Barking dogs by the doors, damp plaster peeling from the walls, and a mouldy mattress for a bed. Oh yes, and bars on the door. Welcome to the world’s worst hotel: Alcatraz!

As JJ Abrams’ new TV series comes to Watch (tonight, at 9pm) Steve Berry checks in for the night…

***

“In Alcatraz,” bellows the guard in my face, “You will refer to the guards as ‘Sir’! Do you UNDERSTAND?!”

I’d planned for this to be a bit of a laugh. I was going to play the hard man, cause a bit of trouble, maybe smack someone around the head with a billiard ball in a sock and teach an old man in solitary confinement how to read. But my first experience of US Prison Alcatraz is the hairdryer treatment from a beefy dude in a smart, two-button gun metal grey suit and rib-bruisingly heavy-looking boots. My heart leaps into my throat, and all thoughts of escape vanish. As the camera flashes to take my mug shot, I’m beginning to regret agreeing to take the role of jailbird for the next 12 hours.

This Alcatraz isn’t located on an island in the middle of San Francisco bay, but in a small, specially converted building just off London’s Pentonville Road – a somewhat appropriate address given the circumstances. It has opened as a “pop-up” hotel especially to promote the arrival on UK shores of J.J.Abrams’ Alcatraz, starring Sam Neill, Sarah Jones and Jorge Garcia. Just opposite is a dance studio called The Joint and, believe me, the solitary cell waiting for me is more like something from the nightmare Saw movies than the cosy sitcom world of Porridge.

The grey, mouldy mattress is only marginally less disgusting than the stained toilet just a few inches away from my head. I can stretch out and touch both walls at the same time – and I might well do so if it weren’t for the decaying lumps of plaster that come away in my hands. Something brown and nasty drips from the sink. I’m being banged up with scum in more ways than one.

This is not the place for claustrophobics. Before the door clangs shut with a jingle of keys, I am ordered to change into prison regulation t-shirt and sweat pants and relieved of all my worldly possessions. I look like an Essex teenager hanging out at a bus stop. All is silent but for the occasional ear-shattering blast on a guard’s whistle, the gruff snarl of the chained Doberman outside, and the background hammering of an authentically 1950s Remington typewriter. I am forbidden to communicate with my fellow inmates, known only as prisoner numbers 1 and 2, who are similarly detained at Uncle Sam’s pleasure further down the row. For company I have the prison rule book (“DISCIPLINARY ACTION may result in loss of some or all of your privileges and/or confinement in the Treatment Unit”), an incongruous bottle of Evian water, and a dinner menu.

Intimidating the atmosphere may be but, in fairness to these guys, the food I can choose to order from “room service” isn’t half bad. Far from the expected choices of slop, gruel or hard tack, the jail’s own Jamie Oliver can rustle up a Portobello Mushroom burger or Rocket & Parmesan salad to order. The goons, it turns out, are gourmets!

But all meals have to be earned and, after an interminable wait – time doesn’t exactly fly by in chokey and I soon regret not bringing a baseball and glove to while away the hours – I am set my first task: knitting a scarf out of chunky wool. It’s not something I particularly excel at and I am soon reprimanded for my lack of effort. Thankfully, it doesn’t impact on my good conduct record and dinner is served, along with an “Alcatraz serviette” (or bog roll to you and me). Sadly, my flippant request for something “with fava beans and a nice Chianti” is met with a steely stare.

Everything in the hotel (and, yes, I do have to keep reminding myself I’m staying here voluntarily) has been has been meticulously designed to replicate life in the world’s most notorious detention centre and the metal food trays are no exception. In fact, it’s only when I request a toilet break and am frogmarched through to the facilities at the rear of the hotel that I am reminded that we are inside an elaborately constructed film set. It’s like Westworld, only with human actors playing the parts of the robots, and slightly fewer Roman orgies or indiscriminate slaughtering.

Two hours in (or is it more?) and I’m already missing seeing the sky, smoking a fag, or following a particularly gossipy hashtag on Twitter. My second task is to construct something out of LEGO: I make a key, although it doesn’t fit the lock on my cell door, but the warden seems pleased.

As a reward, I am allowed to watch episode one of Alcatraz (something of a busman’s holiday when it comes to a treat, I feel) on a large plasma TV which is wheeled in and positioned beyond the bars. The free popcorn is a nice touch, too.

All too soon, it’s “lights out” time and I must climb between two blankets made seemingly from recycled roof felt. The fitted sheet underneath isn’t even a high-thread Egyptian percale – so that’s one star I’ll be docking them on Trip Advisor, I can tell you. As I watch a guard play solitaire with a pack of cards under an anglepoise lamp, I slowly drop off into an uneasy sleep. How quickly I must have become institutionalised, that this doesn’t feel in any way strange. Although, that said, it’s not anything like as bad as my 2nd year halls of residence at uni. At least here no one’s going to pinch the last sausage from my bit of the fridge.

Morning brings with it the news that prisoner number 2, like the three hundred or so convicts of Abrams’ Alcatraz mystery, has disappeared during the night. (It turns out to be nothing sinister. He just couldn’t stand the snoring from the adjacent cell so issued the hotel’s “safe word” and fled to the comfort of his own bed.) For the remaining two detainees, an offer of breakfast – “Would you like a cappuccino?” – and the final task of sweeping the floors before we are officially released. Prisoner number 3 signs the guest book and heads out to freedom. He is long gone before I realise that we haven’t even asked each other’s names.

With my discharge papers signed and stamped, the four guards finally drop their “character masks” (and with it, their Californian accents) and chat to me about the experience. One of them, I learn, is an actor who once appeared in the Doctor Who story, Meglos – a fact which, coupled with my failure to notice earlier, severely shames my Starburst journo credentials. Though maybe identifying him would’ve broken the fourth wall. (Certainly, no other walls were in danger of being broken in this place. Even I drew the line at an Andy Dufresne-style getaway through the sewers of Kings Cross.)

Should you wish to spend a night being treated like one of the USA’s most notorious criminals, the hotel is available to book via LateRooms.com until March 17. It comes heartily recommended to masochists, people with a fondness for keeping birds, and anyone who fancies themselves as a latter-day Sean Connery. Just one thing: if you stay in cell number 3, do check under the bed for the contraband I smuggled in there.

Alcatraz 0: Starburst 1

***

Alcatraz premieres on UK TV tonight at 9pm on Watch (Sky 109/Virgin Media 124).

George Lucas’ retirement from blockbuster filmmaking recently will save us from more Jar-Jar Binkses, but it could also reveal a side of the director not seen since the 70s…

When George Lucas used a January New York Times interview to announce his retirement from blockbuster moviemaking, the internet celebrated. No, scratch that. It didn’t just celebrate. It partied like Rebel forces on the forest moon of Endor. No more prequels! No more Howard the Ducks! No more nuked fridges and Jar-Jar Binkses! Grab the nearest Ewok and boogie on down.

In fairness to the digital jury, Lucas’s retirement from blockbusters is indeed a good thing. But not for the reasons the message boards would have you believe. Lucas‘s new career path means he‘s now going to focus on smaller, less mainstream fare, and for anyone with an interest in his filmmaking beyond the galaxy far, far away, that is most definitely cause for good cheer.

Go all the way back to the start of Lucas’s career and you’ll find THX 1138. Lucas’s debut, this nightmarish sci-fi is light years away from Star Wars in terms of tone and theme, taking us into a world where the empire has won. It’s decidedly arthouse and one of the most intriguing and complex films of the ’70s. If Lucas is true to his word, this is the template for his filmmaking from now on.

THX 1138 takes place in an unspecified future and stars Robert Duvall as the eponymous hero who, like everyone in his society, is kept down by an oppressive regime that feeds its citizens emotion-quelling drugs. The film is an expansion of Lucas’s short Electronic Labyrinth: THX 1138 4EB, which was made during his time at the University of Southern California in the late ’60s. Fifteen minutes long, it features minimal dialogue, next to no character development and a wafer-thin story that is heavily indebted to 1984.

What makes it stand out though is its dazzling visual quality. Electronic Labyrinth was one of a number of abstract shorts Lucas made while at USC. In his younger years, the budding director fell under the spell of ‘pure cinema’, a filmmaking theory which argues that films should tell their story solely through sound and vision, rather than narrative and characters. Electronic Labyrinth was Lucas‘s most successful ‘pure cinema’ film, and after seeing it Francis Ford Coppola asked him to expand it into a feature and make it the first release from his newly-founded American Zoetrope studio.

The longer length, shorter titled, THX 1138 displays all the visual wizardry of its younger brother. Even the title sequence, which features swampy green text running down rather than up a jet black background, is a haunting experience. Set against Lalo Schifrin’s eerie synthesizer score, this functional filmmaking tool becomes a powerful mangle of sound and vision that’s perfectly used by Lucas to unsettle the audience and distort their perspective. Welcome to another world, it says with a glint in its eye.

Looking back on THX, Lucas said that he wanted that world to feel as grounded as possible and the film to seem like “a documentary from the future”. He achieved that goal by creating a smart juxtaposition between visuals and characters. Our heroes have jobs, they watch TV, they go about their everyday lives like there’s nothing wrong. Their existence is no different from our own and their reactions to the world around them are similarly normal. What they’re reacting to, however, is anything but.

THX is a vision of a world created by the perfecting hand of technology. All pristine whites and immaculate structures, it brings to mind 2001: A Space Odyssey, which also made heavy use of whites. Kubrick used this clean aesthetic to ironically comment on man’s bid for perfection and his inability to attain it in an unknowable universe. Lucas’s intentions are less grand, though no less philosophical. His whites are more distancing than ironic. They are alien and alienating, stripping humans of their humanity.

Lucas enforces this isolation with his shooting style. His camera shifts uneasily from extreme wide shots to extreme close ups so the characters feel both trapped in and separate from their surroundings. His use of fades creates a similarly haunting effect. Scenes don’t cut neatly into each other, they lurch softly, suggesting a lethargy that reflects his characters’ disconnect. Faster, more intense would be the mantra on A New Hope; here it’s slower, more apathetic.

Lucas himself is anything but apathetic though. Pre-empting the rash of paranoid thrillers that would dominate post-Watergate America, THX is about surveillance, authority and mistrust. Lucas’ shooting style serves not only to show us the effects of these things, but also to envelop us in them. Through watching the film, we become as suffocated as the characters within it, and we are galvanized because of that involvement. At the end of A New Hope we feel like we can take on an empire; at the end of THX 1138, we feel like we must.

The film’s final shot features its sole natural element: a giant, raging sun. It’s a scene echoed in the famous dual suns sequence from A New Hope and the link serves as a potent reminder of Lucas’s approach to storytelling. We think of him now (for better or worse) as a writer, a creator of myths, but Lucas remains a student of ‘pure cinema’, a man obsessed with the storytelling capacity of the image. Perhaps that’s why his scripts often flounder: give him a pen and he’d probably prefer to draw with it.

By withdrawing from the narrative-driven world of mainstream cinema, Lucas is opening up a new chapter in his filmmaking that should excite all movie fans. It may not produce a film as good as THX 1138 and it’s unlikely to change the blockbuster scene he helped create or expand the tastes of those who devour its products. But with his money and power, the possibilities for interesting, unique films are endless. Slowly but surely, the man is re-emerging from the machine.

George Lucas has a new hope.

Behind the Sofa, the wonderful new Doctor Who charity book in aid of Alzheimer’s, has already sold out of its first editions ahead of the September 2012 release, but we’ve kindly been given the opportunity to offer the final 30 copies for purchase exclusively to Starburst readers!

To grab yours, simply click HERE (but act fast, these are going to go quickly!).

For more information on Behind the Sofa read on, beginning with a message from the book’s editor, TV Cream‘s Steve Berry… 

***

“This book has been two years in the planning. It’s in memory of my mum, Janet, who died in 2009 after having Alzheimer’s for six years.

I don’t think she ever understood my love of Doctor Who. Surely her strongest memory would have been of me, standing at the top of the stairs, crying about how the “jelly men” were going to get me. Without wishing to give away my age, I have a suspicion that my childish brain muddled up Zygons and a part-transformed Noah in The Ark In Space.

So, as I watched her get more and more ill, I determined to do something about it. In part, I was inspired by a tribute book to Roy Castle, issued after his death, which collected happy memories from his friends and colleagues. Everyone has a memory of Doctor Who, right? Except maybe anyone who grew up between 1996 and 2005. And, since so many celebrity “Whovians” have sung the programme’s praises after Russell T Davies magnificently midwifed it back to Saturday nights, where it belongs, I figured they wouldn’t mind sharing the reasons why.

What is probably most surprising is the number of really quite well known celebrities who have, and I quote, “never seen an episode”. The well-read TV presenter dating a comedian who went to a fancy dress party dressed as Tom Baker! The Twitter-addicted sitcom writer. The genius Star Wars-obsessed actor and impressionist. Who would have believed it?”

Steve Berry

“A man is the sum of his memories. A Time Lord even more so…”

Behind The Sofa is a collection of over 100 celebrity memories of Doctor Who, compiled by Steve Berry, in aid of Alzheimer’s Research UK. You can read about some of the contributors here: http://doctorwhobook.wordpress.com/

100% of the profits from the sale of this book will go to charity.

The book is due to be published in September 2012. However, pre-order through the web site and you will receive an advance, first edition copy before it arrives in shops.

There are six purchasing options available:

Book-only packages:

Pre-order hardback – receive a hardback copy of the book – limited edition, only 300 available

Pre-order eBook – receive an eBook version – limited edition, only 500 available

Supporter packages (include free eBook version):

Ogron – receive a hardback copy of the book, an eBook version, plus your name added to the donors list in the book acknowledgements – limited edition, only 200 available

Slitheen – receive a hardback copy of the book, an eBook version and a signed giclée print of one of the featured Ben Morris illustrations, plus your name added to the investors list in the book acknowledgements – limited edition, only 100 available.

Sponsor packages (include free eBook version):

Zygon – receive a hardback copy of the book, an eBook version and a signed giclée print of one of the featured Ben Morris illustrations, plus your name and an illustrated message of your choice added to the sponsors list in the book acknowledgements – limited edition, only 10 available

Morbius – receive a hardback copy of the book, an eBook version and a signed giclée print of one of the featured Ben Morris illustrations, plus your own 300-word memory included in the book alongside the celebrities – limited edition, only 1 available

Alzheimer’s Research UK is a charity which funds research into finding a cure for dementia. It doesn’t receive any government funding but relies on donations from individuals. If you would like to donate to Alzheimer’s Research UK, you can do so at their web site.

Steve Berry (editor) is the author of TV Cream Toys and co-author of The Great British Tuck Shop. He has written for Doctor Who Magazine, Maxim, and The Sun, amongst many other less-reputable periodicals. Contact: @unloveablesteve

Ben Morris (designer) is a freelance illustrator, based in Edinburgh. He has had over 200 greetings card designs published and is a long-time contributor to Doctor Who Magazine and Doctor Who Adventures. Contact: @benmorrisillo

Like her namesake, the Black Widow ranks as one of the deadliest of her species and a woman never to be underestimated–or forgotten. She’s made her mark on many a man and criminal alike, but in the end she remains an enigmatic figure with a dark past and often times an even darker attitude. You may think you know the Black Widow, but what you know may simply be nothing but smoke and mirrors…

First Spinnings

Born in Russia and raised by the Russian government to be a deadly secret agent, Natasha Romanova excelled in her studies and as an athlete and dancer. Bioenhanced in the “Black Widow” program, she graduated with flying colors and accepted assignments abroad, putting Natasha into direct conflict with American heroes Iron Man and Hawkeye. The Black Widow operated at first as a plainclothes operative, but soon adopted a costume and gadgetry to better suit her spider-like persona and codename.

Teams and Tests

After striking out on her own, Natasha became romantically involved with the costumed crusader Daredevil and entered into a long series of adventures alongside him. Eventually, the two drifted apart and ended their relationship, with the Widow moving on and taking part in the founding of the super hero team called the Champions, based in Los Angles, California. Natasha’s talents and prowess also made her a prime candidate for Avengers membership and she went on to become not only a valuable asset to the team but also their leader for a time.

Too Many Widows

At one point, deep into her career, Natasha discovered another Russian agent who claimed the title of Black Widow and the privileges that came with it. Yelena Belova, a product of the same Widow Project as Natasha, became her bitter rival as the two women clashed furiously over the right to continue operating in the wider world. The original Black Widow came out on top, eventually, due to her long experience and heightened capabilities against any and all opponents.

At the Center of the Web

The original Black Widow found herself in the middle of the so-called “Civil War” among super heroes and chose to fall in line with Tony Stark’s bold Superhuman Registration Act. When Stark appears to perish, Natasha became the acting commander of S.H.I.E.L.D, an incredible circumstance for a former Russian secret agent. The Widow also witnessed the tragic events surrounding the death of Captain America around this time, after which her former lover, Bucky Barnes, took up the famous shield. A newly-revived Avengers also coaxed her back to the team for a while.

Natasha Romanova now enjoys her own exciting solo career as the Black Widow and as a member of Steve Rogers’ covert Secret Avengers team. What the future holds for one of the most deadly women on the planet will only be limited by her drive for action and her taste for adventure.

Marvel Avengers Assemble hits UK cinemas April 26th

Click HERE to watch the Theatrical Trailer

or

Click HERE to read Essential Avengers: Nick Fury

February 17th sees the release of a sequel to one of Marvel Comics’ more modest successes in film – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, directed by hyperactive filmmakers Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor. Though it was poorly received when released in 2007, the first Ghost Rider made enough of a profit for a sequel to go ahead. Angry Europeans like Lars Von Trier and Gaspar Noe aside, few modern filmmakers have split people in these crazy times as much as the directing duo of Neveldine/Taylor. If you don’t know these two filmmakers very well then you will know their influence. Their films consist of loud, over the top narratives often with a very near the line lurid sensibility. You may love them or hate them but you can’t deny that they set out to actually make you feel something whilst watching their films, whether that is disgusted or exhilarated is down to the individual. Without their particular brand of crazy gonzo trashy action movie then it’s possible we would never have seen films like Shoot ‘Em Up, Hobo with a Shotgun or Drive Angry. Not that these films were directly influenced by the Neveldine/Taylor ‘style’ but without the success of the first Crank then maybe the green light wouldn’t have been forthcoming for these movies which are more ‘out there’ than most.

What might surprise you is where these two got their start in the industry. Mark Neveldine majored in psychology and drama at college and was an award-winning actor and director of about twenty five off Broadway plays.  He then became a director of photography for some documentaries, music videos and commercials. Brian Taylor’s background is more indicative of the types of films he would eventually be known for making. Taylor spent a good deal of his young life as a touring punk guitarist, journalist and musician before stumbling his way into film working as a director of photography on shorts and independent features. The pair of them teamed up to direct the low budget surreal adventure The Keys aka No Dirham, No Disco. On the set of this film is where the duo invented the ‘roller dolly’, a technique similar to Sam Raimi’s ram-o-cam where one of them would don roller skates whilst holding the camera and risking life and limb to put you the viewer right into the action.

The pair then moved on to shooting a documentary before going home and being snapped up by Radical Media to work on commercials and music videos. The two of them directed award-winning commercials for Nike and KFC before going full tilt armed with their roller skates and buckets of red bull into their first feature, Crank. We think it’s fair to say that the duo have not quite lived up to the promise they displayed with Crank thus far, but this could all change with the release of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. What better time then to look back on their career so far…

Crank (2006)

Crank is quite simply like nothing else that had been seen up to this point, some people will point to Wayne Kramer’s equally nuts Running Scared earlier in the year as the kick off point for the gonzo action movie but Crank is where it was really noticed. The story is a simple one evoking the classic noir DOA, the execution is anything but classic. Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is a hitman who has been injected with a poison by the triads that will kill him unless he can keep his heart rate and adrenaline pumping.  Based on this premise Neveldine and Taylor throw every single adrenaline pumping situation they can think of at the story. Chelios indulges in constant violence, drug abuse, energy drinks and public sex in order to keep his adrenaline up. All of this is shot in HD in weird angles that evoke both video games as well as the ‘60s Batman TV series. Jason Statham has a whale of a time not trying to act but just being relaxed and himself because he knows how ridiculous the whole thing is and arguably it results in his best work. If you go with it then you will have a damn good time, if you are more inclined to watch films like The English Patient then you will be entering a world of pain. The movie is best enjoyed with a whole bottle of Mountain Dew and some Skittles to really get into the spirit of the thing. In 2006 amongst films like The Black Dahlia, Children of Men and Clerks 2, Crank blasted its way into cinemas and did 42 million worldwide. Not much money in the scheme of things but working of a 12 million budget it was considered a success. Neveldine/Taylor had arrived..

Pathology (2007)

Neveldine and Taylor stepped away from behind the camera for this 2007 thriller, choosing to write and produce while newcomer Marc Schloermann directed. The story concerns a promising medical student played by Heroes star Milo Ventimalgia who gets involved in a dangerous after hours game played by his colleagues regarding who can commit the perfect murder using their medical knowledge. The film feels every bit as lurid and edgy as the other films that Neveldine/Taylor have been involved in but without the duo’s energy behind the camera it feels flat and lacks purpose. The film never really had the backing that Crank did and had a limited release of both sides of the Atlantic. Even now it is Schloermann’s only feature credit.

Gamer (2009)

Gamer sat on a shelf for a while, changing titles a few times, despite getting quite a lot of excitement going when it was in production. This was a film by the Crank guys after all but with a futuristic Running Man style narrative and starring Gerard Butler who was hot from the success of 300. Gamer takes place in the near future where gaming has gone to the next level – using a technology that’s been developed into ‘Society’ by creator Ken Castle (Michael C.Hall) popular gaming now sees actual human protagonists being controlled by people in front of their TVs at home. ‘Society’ is like The Sims but with real people who volunteer and become employees to be used as pawns by people at home. Castle also develops ‘Slayers’, a Call of Duty style game with convicts used as the assassins on the battlefield. Kable (Gerard Butler) has become a major celebrity on the playing field along with his user and will shortly win his freedom if he survives the final round. Castle’s regime is opposed by the Humanz, a resistance movement with a fondness for retro arcade games, who believe that Castle is controlling minds and brainwashing the world. Neveldine and Taylor’s style is now once again present and correct and places you smack bang into the midst of the action with barely a moment to breathe. The worlds of Society and Slayers are really well visualised and get you into this world gone mad where every pervert and degenerate is free to indulge their depraved fantasies. Where the film falls down is in its script. The first hour is brilliant but the final act where it actually tries to be about something and tell a story about fighting back against a genuine world threat is not well developed enough and feels rushed. An extra 30 minutes story telling would have made all the difference here and at best the final film is a guilty pleasure. Sadly the movie was not a success at the box office and critics hated the derivative nature of the piece. The same critics who praised their style with Crank turned on the duo and lambasted the hyperactive nature of the film.

Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Actually shot after Gamer but released before the film was the sequel to Crank. A sequel was perhaps inevitable considering the growing cult that was building around the first film. Crank: High Voltage begins directly after the first movie with Chev Chelios being scooped up off the street and sent to hospital. In hospital his heart is removed and placed in storage and Chelios is given an artificial one. Three months later he wakes up and escapes, learning that he has to keep his heart battery going with jolts of electricity whilst he searches for his old heart to get his doctor to put back into his chest. It’s basically the same plot as the first movie; it even has almost identical scenes, except everything is ramped up and more outrageous. It’s more lurid, more violent and frankly more ridiculous. Neveldine and Taylor are allowed to indulge every drug induced creative whim they ever had which isn’t necessarily a good thing and results in a film that is borderline unwatchable at times. This is best demonstrated in a scene where inexplicably Statham and his enemy take on Godzilla style proportions complete with paper mache heads as they fight in a power plant. The film failed at the box office but was a substantial hit on DVD. A third film featuring Idris Elba has been talked about by the duo which presumably will have a robotic Statham trying to keep his joints from rusting or something ridiculous.

Jonah Hex (2010)

Despite writing the screenplay for this disaster, Neveldine/Taylor were fired as directors on the project due to those creative differences that we hear so much about. The finished film was directed by Jimmy Hayward, the director of Horton Hears a Who, so yeah a director really suited to the material. Sometimes films that fail completely at the box office and are labelled turkeys don’t deserve the label, but sometimes, as is the case here, the label is absolutely appropriate. To be fair though it’s hard to see how Neveldine and Taylor’s distinctive style could have improved a nonsensical and by the numbers screenplay to begin with. It certainly feels like a chunk of the story is missing and perhaps this is the problem. The finale makes no sense whatsoever when envisioned stylistically by a directing duo and then directed by someone else. Further proof that the western genre and fantasy do not mix.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)

The first Ghost Rider made a healthy 237 million worldwide which meant that a sequel was perhaps inevitable. Apart from a couple of sequences, I don’t think the first film is anyone’s idea of a great comic book adaptation. A major part of the problem is that director Mark Steven Johnson is not a good fit for the material and the film feels too safe. For the sequel the producers hired Neveldine/Taylor and I think you’ll agree that this makes much more stylistic sense considering the nature of the comic book. Nicolas Cage again assumes the role of Johnny Blaze/Ghost Rider and is joined by Idris Elba, Ciaran Hinds, Christopher Lambert, Anthony Head and Violante Placido. The sequel finds Blaze hiding out in Europe when he is called upon to become his flame drenched alter ego to stop the devil from assuming human form. Judging by the trailer, Neveldine/Taylor’s distinctive style is present and correct in stunning high octane action sequences and over the top dark humour (including Ghost Rider pissing fire). They also seem to have perfected the motion capture technology which allows Cage to fully play a convincing flaming demon. This was major let down in the first film where the effects did not match the ambition despite a 110 million budget. Early word so far has been mixed with some proclaiming the film to be awful and some saying it’s a damn good night out at the flicks. We get to see for ourselves this weekend when Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is unleashed in UK cinemas.

The BBC’s all-conquering Sherlock recently ended its second season run, and despite it still being one of the wittiest, slickest, best-directed shows on TV, starring the dream-team of Benedict Cumberbatch & Martin Freeman alongside an excellent supporting cast, the backlash has already begun.

We can all ignore the wholly expected Daily Mail pre-watershed nudity quibbles, but a suggestion that’s less easy to disregard is that Steven Moffat, the man currently putting words in the mouths of both Sherlock Holmes and the Doctor, might actually be sexist. Some people felt that Irene Adler (above), played brilliantly by Lara Pulver, was a little too damsel-in-distress by the end, being fed information by a male villain and needing to be rescued by the male hero. Considering that this is the woman who famously beat Sherlock Holmes, she doesn’t really actually beat him here. Unless you come at it from the other angle, and believe that Sherlock’s rescue of her in the closing minutes was her plan all along – she made the emotionless, asexual Holmes care enough about her to save her life, which is quite the victory. Either way, her power no longer comes from her impressive intellect, as in the books, but rather from her sexuality, which is a bit of a step back.

Let me begin by saying that I don’t mean sexist in an intentional way. No-one’s saying that Moffat thinks all women should look pretty, do the cooking and have the babies. But he does seem to have the occasional problem writing them. Back at the start of his career, Coupling was half a great series about three guys hanging out, having relationship troubles and too many legs (“oh Jeffrey…”). Sadly, the other half of the show was about three neurotic, irritating, badly written women who really should have been left out altogether. He continued to struggle with female characters in Jekyll, a flawed but fascinating series let down by the astonishingly annoying Gina Bellman.

Then, of course, came Doctor Who. In his first two-parter, The Empty Child, Moffat writes Rose Tyler as a hot-blooded female, beginning his tradition of bringing sex to Doctor Who. His Rose is funny, capable and flirty. She’s completely besotted with Captain Jack and plays it for laughs, giving Billie Piper a chance to stretch her comedy muscles. But it goes slightly against the Rose we’ve seen previously, who usually manages to simultaneously be in love with the Doctor and behave rationally. Moffat’s Rose, in both The Empty Child and The Girl in the Fireplace, is defined by the bloke she fancies – first Jack, then the Doctor. Yes, she’s feisty in Moffat’s hands, and gets some great lines, but would Russel T Davies’ Rose sit patiently waiting for the Doctor to come back and rescue her when he’s essentially run off with another woman? No.

Before taking on the full-time show-runner role, Moffat had the chance to create another few Who females. Madame Du Pompadour was never expanded beyond being the Doctor’s ideal woman, but he fared better with his other two original creations: the iconic River Song (who we’ll come to later) and Sally Sparrow, who I suspect may just be his best female creation. She was a character in her own right, not a foil for a leading male character. The absence of the Doctor allowed her to have almost complete agency across the episode, bar a last minute save, which, seeing as the show is called ‘Doctor’ Who, had to happen. Sally is one of his most naturalistic, downplayed female characters, which gave the excellent Carey Mulligan room to instill a fascinating melancholy into her that hinted at a rather dark, grown-up past. In fact, it’s highly possible that Moffat, caught up in the twisting mechanics of one of his most complicated stories, forgot to create a character for Sally, and her success could be entirely down to Mulligan’s performance. But whoever was responsible, she was undeniably a great character.

Once given free rein, Moffat reverted to his default mode: genius, alien men and ‘iconic’ women. I think Moffat adores his female characters. I think he gets a real kick out of writing an Amy Pond who’s forever having a go at the Doctor and keeping the adoring Rory on his toes, and a River Song who, with that hair and that gun, has become an instantly recognisable action heroine. River is a triumph, a mysterious figure who’s had two series worth of plot wrapped around her, a shoot-first, sexually knowing counterpoint to Matt Smith’s pacifist, sexually naive Doctor. Her catchphrases are quoted almost as frequently as the Doctor’s. Finally, here is a supporting character who is the Doctor’s equal, regenerations and all. Or is she?

Here’s the problem: River is in love with the Doctor. We’ve known this from her very first appearance. In fact, she dies for him. She even gives him all her regenerations. We know that River has a career of her own as an archaeologist, and we assume that she has adventures without the Doctor. But every time we see her, her motivation is 100% wrapped around the Doctor. Strange, considering her parents travel with him too (although that couldn’t have been revealed for a while, for obvious reasons). The independent, feisty, feared-by-Dalek’s River is an image, an icon – when it’s all boiled down, she’s just the Doctor’s adoring paramour. And she quite clearly loves him more than he loves her.

As for Amy, a combination of inconsistent writing and an untested actress left her utterly unlikable for a series and a half. Moffat himself has said publicly that he was only persuaded to hire Karen Gillan when he saw her legs. On paper, the idea of a confident, stubborn, sexy companion who isn’t in awe of the Doctor sounds good. Kind of a hot Donna Noble. But in reality, she came off as stroppy and childish, not to mention a complete bitch who attempts to cheat on her lovely, besotted fiancé. That was a horrible misstep that almost destroyed the character. Over the two series, Moffat has struggled to add any sympathetic layers to Amy. You never believed that she really loved Rory, or that she was grieving for her stolen baby. It’s hard to love a character who shrugs off losing a baby. Moffat was so determined to make her ‘tough and sexy’ that he completely forgot ‘relatable and human’.

It took two other writers to craft an Amy that I came to love. Tom McRae wrote the old Amy in The Girl Who Waited as a woman who got tired of waiting for men to rescue her a long time ago. In the end it’s her love for her husband that leads to her taking the risk of putting her faith in another human being again. And, of course, at the end she’s the one who saves them, sacrificing her bitterness and eventually her very existence in order to save her younger self. Yes, it’s an episode in which the male characters spend a lot of time discussing what they’re going to do about her, but ultimately she’s the one who makes the final decisions. Then, in The God Complex, Toby Whithouse delivers a psychological study of Amy that finally makes sense of the character flaws Moffat gave her seemingly by accident.

I wouldn’t say that Steven Moffat writes bad female characters. He writes the sort of heroines you want to dress up as at fancy dress parties, and God knows there are few of those. But he definitely has a problem with getting into their heads. He writes women who are idealised through his own eyes, the sort of tough, take-no-shit women he’s clearly attracted to himself, which isn’t a problem. Those are good character traits. What’s missing is much sense of their internal life. He gifts the Doctor and Sherlock such beautiful lines, hinting at what’s going on in their troubled, brilliant minds. He gives River and Irene teasing, suggestive lines designed to elicit a very specific below-the-belt reaction from the men they’re speaking to (thanks to Alex Kingston, a woman born to deliver Moffat dialogue, the word “spoilers” will never sound clean again). He also, most worryingly of all, makes his female characters utterly in love with the central male genius. You can’t help but assume there’s a bit of wish fulfillment going on there.

Look, for example, at female characters written by other Who scribes. RTD wrote a Doctor who needed and loved Rose as much as she loved him. He redeemed Martha by making her decide to leave the Doctor instead of putting up with the hell of unrequited love. He wrote women who were believably flawed and human. They might have been more mundane than Moffat’s showy women, but at least I believed that these were women I might pass in the street. Real women in unreal situations. Toby Whithouse, in School Reunion, could easily have set Rose and Sarah-Jane up as jealous rivals, but instead had them come to a deep understanding and bond over their shared, impossible experiences. Paul Cornell wrote Martha at her most likeable and resourceful in his excellent Human Nature two-parter while also creating the dignified, strong Nurse Redfern.

Moffat is a brilliant writer. Few writers in Britain at the moment can rival him for wit and mind-bending, inventive plotting. But often, this impressive, showy surface hides his dark secret – he really struggles with female characters. He can’t view them through anything other than a straight male gaze (something plenty of other male writers have no trouble doing) and as a result his female characters are fantasy creations. When a good actress is put in the role, like Alex Kingston, Lara Pulver or Carey Mulligan, the character transcends their limitations on the page. But with less skilled actresses like Sophia Myles and Karen Gillan in the role, the character will never be more than a cardboard cutout of Moffat’s dream woman.

Still – he’s got better since Coupling.

There’s an awful lot of space out there. Galaxies upon Galaxies in an expanding Universe of twinkling stars. Surely there is enough for everyone to share? Alas, no. Wars will keep breaking out. One in particular has received a lot of press – it happened a long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away. You’ve probably heard about it.

What you may not know is that the whole thing, which costs billions of lives, started because of a simple trade dispute.

The opening title scrawl is generally the point at which many people began to seriously worry about The Phantom Menace. There are, in truth, many other aspects of the film held up as offensive by Star Wars fans (or maybe that should be offensive to Star Wars fans?) Is it fair, though? Here are a few reasons that the film is, in fact, very enjoyable.

One of the most hated Star Wars characters is Jar Jar Binks. He has been unfairly maligned, however, and plays an important role. There are a number of quite dark, and dialogue-heavy scenes in the film, and he simply provides comic relief. For adults this may be unnecessary, but The Phantom Menace isn’t a film for adults. He works as a great counterpoint to the gloom that all the other characters are experiencing. The best example, although a small one, is the point at which they’re heading back to Naboo from Coruscant and he shouts with joy ‘We’sa goin’ home!’. He’s clumsy and silly, and this makes a Galaxy filled with super-powered Jedi and perfectly poised royalty much more accessible. Although both Threepio and Artoo are in the film, it is largely through Jar Jar’s eyes that we are watching these events. While we’re on the subject of Gungans, their City is stunning. The moment when the two Jedi swim to the vast and mysterious underwater habitat is wonderful.

The noble Queen Amidala. Natalie Portman was determined that her character would be a positive role-model for young girls, and surely she is? Amidala is calm and secure in her role. She is both a leader and humble – the scene where she meets Boss Nass for example – and she holds her own when it comes down to hard work or combat. She also has a very shiny spaceship. Theed, the Naboo City is also wonderfully designed.

The pod race? Is it just George Lucas cashing in on video-games? No. It’s him enjoying his passion for racing in a Star Wars setting. It’s exciting as heck. It’s dirty, dangerous and even has its own dastardly villain – Sebulba. Fragments of smashed pods flying everywhere, Tusken Raiders and sabotage. What’s not to love? As a plot point, it also shows just how strong Anakin is with the Force, too. Until this point, there was only Qui-Gon’s word for it.

Rolling droids of death, the Droidekas, are able to hold even two Jedi back. Very, very cool. The Droid Army in general is very cool. Yes, they’re stupid, but then there has to be a reason that the Empire’s stormtroopers aren’t droids, right? Also, and importantly, it allows Jedi to hack them up without any gore. This is a family film, remember, too many flying limbs wouldn’t go down to well.

The greatest part of The Phantom Menace? The action scenes at the end, and the duel with Darth Maul in particular. John Williams’ Duel of the Fates blasting away is, simply, stunning (and probably worth the price of admission alone!). This is the best lightsaber duel from any of the six films, without a doubt, exciting, amazing choreography and finally seeing Jedi in their prime is worth the wait. There is even a double-ended lightsaber! Remember how excited everyone was when that was shown in the trailer?

Of course The Phantom Menace is far from perfect, but then there are bits of the original trilogy that don’t make sense – why must the rebel fighters do the trench run? They’re brother and sister? Just what does the space slug eat when the Millenium Falcon isn’t parked in its mouth? These have all been forgiven and even embraced as part of popular culture. Isn’t it time that we all forgive The Phantom Menace for not being perfect, and just enjoy the things it does well?

The Phantom Menace is released again in 3D from today. Watch it with fresh eyes. You may be surprised by how much fun you have.

It’s a safe bet that one, more or all of these following titles bled your wallet dry during 2011: Portal 2, Dead Space 2, LA Noire, Batman Arkham City, Deus Ex: Human Revolution, inFAMOUS 2, Dark Souls, Skyrim, Uncharted 3 Drake’s Deception.

If your finances are still feeling the pinch from those and other quality releases last year then look away now. 2012 is shaping up to be what Ned Ryerson may refer to as “a doozy” and fans of almost any long-running franchises will have their annual fix. Although recent shock announcements such as Grand Theft Auto V and The Last of Us may also find their way into the release schedule it would be advised not to hold your breath.

But amongst your Halos, Assassin’s Creeds and, for better or worse, Call of Dutys there are numerous smaller, under-the-radar games or brand new IPs vying for your attention. The following games represent just a small portion of some of the more interesting titles that should find themselves nestled in your collection over the next twelve months…

Max Payne 3

PS3, 360, PC

What’s the skinny?

With Rockstar Games now in complete control of Remedy Entertainment’s John Woo inspired detective noir, and with over four years development time on current generation technology, Max Payne 3 looks set to be the shot in the arm shooters have needed since the underappreciated Vanquish was released back in 2010. Although criticism has been levelled at the decision to take Max out of his perpetual night-time New York setting and drop him in to the dazzling daylight of São Paulo, Brazil, Rockstar have been adamant that this third outing for the cynical, near suicidal detective “will maintain its dark and gritty origins”. Bullet-time and shoot-dodge mechanics make a return, with the Euphoria physics engine working its magic to create Rockstar’s most realistic game to date (hopefully eradicating all memory of John Marston’s uncomfortable looking gait). Remedy themselves were invited to see the game during development and give Rockstar some feedback and have said publicly that the game “looks absolutely phenomenal”. It’s looking like multiplayer won’t be an afterthought either with Rockstar promising some modes will have a narrative that will change dynamically during a match. There’s a certain degree of maturity and intelligence to be expected with a Rockstar production and their stubborn refusal to release anything less than quality means this is one of the first must-play titles of 2012.

Give me one reason to be excited.

Every bullet is modelled individually. That’s a crazy attention to detail that we can’t help but applaud.

Asura’s Wrath

PS3, 360

What’s the skinny?

Little is known about this “interactive cinematic action” title from Japanese developers CyberConnect2. The demo, released in early January, only served to divide players between those who considered it one of the most eye-wateringly epic, ridiculously over-the-top visual spectacles they’d ever played to those who were damn near insulted by it’s near 100% reliance on quick-time-events. What we do know is that it’s an anime styled action game concerning the titular Asura, a demigod, accused of the murder of his Emperor. With his wife dead and his daughter kidnapped Asura vows vengeance and, in a plot that spans several millennia, sets about battling the Gods and bringing the real murderer to justice. Taking it’s aesthetic cues from Dragonball Z and seemingly having no limits when it comes to absurdity (one sequence in the demo featured Asura being skewered to the ground by a sword the length of the Earth’s diameter) Asura’s Wrath has certainly given us cause to raise an eyebrow in its direction. But the QTE-heavy gameplay we’ve been privy to (take the end-sequence of any God of War boss fight and stretch it out over an entire level) makes us more than a little wary. Publishers Capcom are keeping their cards close to their chest on this one but, rest assured, that demo has it planted firmly on our radar.

Give me one reason to be excited.

A fight with a character that is twice the size of the planet is simply a mid-game boss fight. Think about that for a second.

Lollipop Chainsaw

PS3, 360

What’s the skinny?

Grasshopper Manufacture and Suda51 are at it again. After wowing us with the criminally underrated Shadows of the Damned last year, the wonderfully off-kilter mind behind killer7 and No More Heroes has another guilty pleasure in store for us. Lollipop Chainsaw tells the Buffy-esque story of Juliet Starling, cheerleader for San Romero High School by day and zombie hunter by night. When the school is overrun by the undead it’s up to Starling and her boyfriend (a disembodied head) to save the day. But with Suda and Troma graduate James Gunn on development and writing duties you can be sure this won’t be a straightforward hack and slash. The trailer, released last year, caught everyone by surprise with its over-the-top, rainbow coloured style offset by graphic mutilations and a fair amount of innuendo and naughty words. Check out the trailer yourself and tell us you’re not even slightly intrigued. With more up skirt shots and jiggling bosoms than Starburst’s browser history we can only hope that Warner Bros. don’t pull an EA and completely mishandle the marketing.

Give me one reason to be excited.

Suda has stated that some gameplay “might involve sound”. Okay…

Far Cry 3

PS3, 360, PC

What’s the skinny?

A total of four Ubisoft studios have had a hand in the development of this third proper installment of the ongoing man-against-insurmountable-odds-in-a-rather-pretty-exotic-locale series. Although Far Cry 2 had its fair share of detractors, citing constantly respawning enemies, inconsistent AI and the fact it took its quest for realism too far, we thought it was one of the better open-world titles of recent times. Ubisoft have promised to build upon everything that did work in the previous title and, from what we’ve seen so far, we have no reason to doubt them. This time you’ll be trapped on an island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Assuming the role of tourist Jason Brody, your mission will be to track down your missing girlfriend and escape from the island. Trouble is, the inhabitants are in the middle of a violent, bloody conflict and, much like the previous title, will want to either use you or kill you. One of the more commendable attributes of Far Cry 2 was the natural feeling of movement and interaction from a first-person viewpoint. That’s all present and correct here, with the added features of a cover-and-shoot mechanic and the ability to perform close-quarter takedowns. Will Ubisoft take its realism angle even further? We bloody well hope so.

Give me one reason to be excited.

Ubisoft have stated that the map will be ten times the size of previous games. Best pack your thermos.

Journey

PSN

What’s the skinny?

Quite ironically, for a studio called thatgamecompany, they don’t really make ‘games’. At least not in the traditional sense. Their two previous titles, fl0w (in which the player controls and interacts with aquatic amoeba-like creatures) and flower (player assumes control of the wind to guide a flower petal across beautifully realized environments) were more of an experience than a game and Journey continues this tradition. Playing an almost ethereal robed figure, your ‘playground’ is a desert and your only goal will be to reach a mountain that can be seen at all times far out on the horizon. Whilst the developers have touched briefly upon environmental puzzles and other obstacles that will be encountered along the way they are generally keeping tight-lipped about what players can expect. The most intriguing aspect so far is the inclusion of online play. If you are signed in to the PSN it is possible to meet up with one other player, although you will never know who they are and communication will be limited to a ‘wordless shout’. You can either work together along your journey or go your separate ways and it’s this minimalist approach to ‘multiplayer’ that we’re most excited about. In a gaming world obsessed with shooting each other in the face, the opportunity to just help each other out in a non-violent scenario is a refreshing change of pace.

Give me one reason to be excited.

If none of the above sounds enticing then we really can’t help you. Return to your Team Deathmatch lobby, nothing to see here…

Binary Domain

PS3, 360

Demon’s Souls, Vanquish, Shadows Of The Damned, MGS 4. Japanese games embracing western design sensibilities continues apace with this third-person, squad based, tactical shooter from the developers of the very eastern Yakuza series. The year is 2080 and a gung-ho and very American group of soldiers are fighting a robotic revolution in Tokyo. The reason for the uprising is the discovery that the Japanese government has been secretly manufacturing advanced androids. The problem is that these androids believe they are human. The pre-rendered trailers shown so far are pushing the storyline to the forefront, with creator and director Toshihiro Nagoshi wanting us to think about the concepts of man and machine, of the boundaries between the two becoming blurred the more technology advances. Whilst tactical shooters aren’t groundbreaking these days what separates this above the rest is the Trust and Consequence system. Issue smart commands to your teammates during conflict and this will build up a level of faith with them in you as a commander. Conversely, making bad decisions and ignoring your squad will lead to distrust, making for a difficult time in the battlefield. These decisions will also affect how certain story elements play out. Up to this point there has been no mention of multiplayer or online co-op but that shouldn’t be ruled out as a possibility. It’s all looking very promising, although awareness of the title is still quite low. Let’s hope publishers SEGA give it a bit more of a push than they did with the similarly themed Vanquish.

Give me one reason to be excited.

Issuing commands can be done via a headset. Well, it can in the Japanese version. Let’s hope the feature is available in all languages.

I Am Alive

PSN, XBLA

What’s the skinny?

It’s one year after ‘The Event’, an apocalypse of sorts that wiped out most of civilization. Set in a fictional American city, you play a man struggling to survive the hazardous conditions of the fallout as he attempts to reunite with his wife and daughter. Since its inception in 2008 the IP has seen numerous changes to its original design and also a handover of development duties from Darkworks to Ubisoft Shanghai. But the core idea has remained the same, that of survival. Exploration, scavenging for supplies and awareness of your character’s physical state are some of the main gameplay features. Whilst encounters with hostile NPCs are possible, the best course of action will be, more often than not, to back away or simply avoid them altogether. Engagement will usually be a last resort. It all sounds like a different type of game than most people are used to and trigger happy players need not apply, but the idea of simply surviving in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, with your wits as your primary weapon, has us itching to get our hands on it.

Give me one reason to be excited.

Rumours are circulating that the entire story can be completed without firing a single shot. We can only hope.

Tomb Raider

PS3, 360

What’s the skinny?

It’s been 14 years since Tomb Raider III, arguably the last great release for the cultural icon that is Lara Croft. Despite Crystal Dynamics best efforts they have never managed to reclaim the magic of those first three releases from originators Core Design, so it was decided to completely wipe the slate clean and build up the franchise from a new origin. This time around, Lara Croft will be portrayed as a regular 21 year old student of archaeology. In search of a lost relic Lara travels, by boat, to Japan. En route the ship is sunk by a freak storm and Lara is washed ashore a (seemingly) deserted island. Much like the forthcoming I Am Alive this Tomb Raider will focus on survival, as opposed to the previous entries emphasis on treasure hunting and combat. It’s a genuinely exciting take on the world famous franchise; a gritty, visceral vision that should wash away memories of a decade’s worth of bad games and fixation on breast size.

Give me one reason to be excited.

There’s no heads-up-display, further enhancing the cinematic feel and sense of helplessness.

Kingdoms Of Amalur: Reckoning

PS3, 360, PC

What’s the skinny?

With Dark Souls and Skyrim now out of the way, and many a player hooked within the fantastical elements they provide, the coast is clear for 2012’s RPG of the year. Leading the pack, particularly in terms of the talent behind it, is Kingdoms Of Amalur: Reckoning. Why is this at the top of the list? RPG fan-favourite Ken Rolston, of Morrowwind and Oblivion fame, is behind it. Working from a universe created by respected fantasy author Robert Anthony Salvatore and with Spawn creator Todd McFarlane on artistic duties, Kingdoms looks set to soak up a lot of gamers spare time. The usual tropes are present and correct; select a character type, advance through the story, complete side quests, level up your skill set… you know the drill. But what will really draw players in is the incredibly rich universe, steeped in lore, that is evident from the outset. While the third-person view and general aesthetics will have it compared to From Software’s Souls series, developers 38 Studios and Big Huge Games have likened it to God Of War meets Oblivion. Best start tidying up those loose ends in Skyrim, we think.

Give me one reason to be excited.

You begin the game waking up in a pile of corpses. Now that’s how you start an RPG.

Star Trek

PS3, 360, PC

What’s the skinny?

Name one good movie tie-in video game without using the words ‘Spider’, ‘Man’ or ‘2’. Anyone? No? Well it looks like Digital Extremes and Paramount Entertainment are about to buck the trend. Bridging the gap between the recent reboot and the forthcoming sequel, the game will be played co-operatively as players assume the roles of either Captain Kirk or Mr. Spock. If you think about it that’s really the only way a Star Trek game should be played, Kirk and Spock being the beating heart of the Star Trek universe. It would be almost an insult to have one or the other as a passive NPC or AI controlled back up. The gameplay we’ve seen points towards an action packed romp through starships and far-flung planets and the trade-mark banter between the two icons is present and correct. The co-op angle is milked for all it’s worth, with one particular sequence involving Spock helping an injured Kirk through the Enterprise to the ship’s medical bay. With the Spock player tied up with controlling the movement of both it’s up to the player behind Kirk to take care of weapon duties. This is genuinely looking like a game to keep an eye on leading up to its release later this year. A movie-license game that looks awesome? Set phasers to stunned!

Give me one reason to be excited.

What? You’re not excited?