Review Category: Movie

The Old Man Movie: Lactopalypse!

By Kieron Moore

From its set-up – three children travel to the countryside to spend summer on their grandfather’s farm – you might think this Estonian stop-motion animation is family-friendly. Be warned: it isn’t. Imagine Wallace and Gromit, but with a whole load of blood, guts, and shit. And milk. A lot of milk.

Upset by Grandpa’s cruel treatment of his cow, the kids let it loose to roam the countryside. But they then learn that, if a cow goes 24 hours without being milked, it will explode, with apocalyptic consequences. Grandpa and kids set out to retrieve it, but also on its trail is Old Milker, a farmer who fell foul of an unmilked udder many years ago and is now on a brutal bovine-killing crusade.

The adventure has various types of comedy set pieces. There’s the violent ones, such as a chainsaw rampage at a music festival. There’s the scatological ones, such as a metal musical number themed around woodland animals trying to jump through a bear’s anus. And there’s the sexually euphemistic ones, such as a tractor pleasuring a giant tree by driving in and out at speed. Sometimes there’s a bit of everything.

Fans of this kind of adult humour crossed with surrealism – and we have no shame in admitting that’s us – will be in hysterics throughout. It’s very funny, very imaginative and very, very disgusting. It’s also wonderfully animated, with some particularly expressive animal characters. And, despite its seeming cynicism, there’s a little heart too, as the kids learn to love country life – even if any emotional moment is soon ended by a hefty squirt of milk, or worse.

The Old Man Movie: Lactopalypse! is in UK cinemas now.

BLACK LOTUS

by Rich Cross

Dutch-made, English-language thriller Black Lotus is intended to be the breakthrough vehicle for champion kickboxer and relative movie newcomer Rico Verhoeven. He’s a muscular and brooding presence throughout the film and commits to the crisply choreographed fight sequences with the requisite physicality. Verhoeven is predictably less comfortable in those aspects of the film that explores his character’s emotional and psychological makeup.

When a hostage rescue mission goes tragically wrong, Dutch special forces operative Matteo (Verhoeven) blames himself for causing his partner John’s death. Guilt-ridden, Matteo resigns his commission and finds a new life as an itinerant construction worker. Returning to Amsterdam, he visits John’s widow Helene. Despite his determination to remain emotionally closed off, he’s soon adopted as an unofficial uncle by Helene’s young daughter Angie. Matteo is unaware that her new husband, Paul, an accountant for the super-rich, is embezzling money from the local mob. When his duplicity is uncovered, crime boss Saban orders his muscle to kidnap Angie. An incensed Matteo sets out to free her, whatever the risks and however much the odds are stacked against him.

Plot-wise, this is the kind of rescue-and-revenge flick that Liam Neeson currently signs up for every few months. This is a film without a single original story beat, but many viewers choosing to stream Black Lotus will likely judge it more on execution than on originality. The action sequences are competently shot, making decent budget-constrained use of real-life Amsterdam landmarks. A final four-way rooftop showdown is the highlight of the combat sequences and the movie’s strongest moment. But such derivative fare is unlikely to lift Verhoeven to the next tier of cinematic action heroes.

BLACK LOTUS will be released on UK streaming platforms on June 19th.

HYPNOTIC

by Joel Harley

Ben Affleck sleepwalks through a Robert Rodriguez version of a Christopher Nolan movie in the director’s Hypnotic – a dazed, stumbling take on Inception or Memento.

Once known for his bold and brash action films, the Robert Rodriguez of Planet Terror and From Dusk Till Dawn now feels like a faint memory. Instead, Hypnotic veers closer to his contributions to The Book of Boba Fett and The Mandalorian, with Affleck mumbling his way through a performance so distantly he might as well have a bucket on his head.

Affleck is gruff cop Danny Rourke, haunted by the disappearance of his young daughter. Investigating a bizarre heist, Rourke comes into conflict with mysterious hypnotist Dellrayne (William Fichtner) – who appears to be able to Derren Brown himself into bank vaults and out of trouble. Determined to bring Dellrayne down, Rourke enlists the help of fortune-teller Diana (Alice Braga). But as their investigation deepens, it becomes clear that Dellrayne may hold the key to finding Rourke’s daughter.

A dingy, often ugly sci-fi thriller, Hypnotic shows glimpses of the old Robert Rodriguez in its Texas setting and grizzled cast. For once, Trejo and Cheech Marin sit this out, but Jeff Fahey (Planet Terror) and Jackie Earle Haley (Alita: Battle Angel) bring some texture to this world. Affleck may be in sleepy mode, but his depressed countenance and chiselled, hangdog appearance certainly fit the mood. Braga, meanwhile, appears to be the only one actually awake throughout the whole thing.

There’s a solid game of cat-and-mouse in there somewhere, with the always-reliable Fichtner impressing as the elusive villain. As it inevitably switches gears into sci-fi territory (via a budget version of an Inception set-piece), the story loses sight of that, devolving into a ludicrous conspiracy and a tiresome version of Inception’s Spinning Top.

Hypnotic is out in cinemas across the UK now.

FOLLOW HER

by Joel Harley

Inspired by her own adventures as a YouTube personality – having created and starred in the Starvival docu-series – influencer slash actress slash filmmaker Dani Barker stars as influencer Jess Peters, eking out a living by replying to creepy Personal ads online.

Fresh from being tied up and tickled by a man claiming to be making a chewing gum commercial (sure), Jess seizes upon her next project. Her next audition is with Tom Brady (Luke Cook); a man looking for help in finishing his erotic screenplay.

After hitting it off with Tom in a remote park, Jess heads back to his even-more-remote shack, where the aggressive flirting kicks up a notch. Clearly, there’s something fishy about Tom Brady, but Jess isn’t being entirely honest either (secretly filming his ‘audition’ for her fans). It’s a tense, kinky game of cat-and-mouse, but who is taking advantage of who here?

Directing Barker’s screenplay, Sylvia Caminer delivers a sharp new erotic thriller for our day and age – among the best of the horror films about influencers that have popped up in recent years. Barker harnesses her own experience with the subject matter (most relevantly, Starvival: $50 an hour to be tickled) to create a heroine who’s both incredibly savvy and massively naive all at once.

Layering subversion upon subversion until it becomes a version of the thing it was subverting in the first place, Follow Her struggles to land the final stretch, but strong performances and writing carry it through.

FOLLOW HER is out now on demand in the US via the streaming service Quiver.

THE LITTLE MERMAID

by Joel Harley

Her head and shoulders composited onto a CGI mermaid body, Halle Bailey bravely puts the ‘live-action’ into this remake of the Disney animated classic. Starring as royal mermaid Ariel, our chipper princess dreams of a life on land, up with the whosits and whatsits galore. And who can blame her, when the ocean floor is as ghastly as this one?

Sure, her underwater kingdom is moderately brighter than the surface world, but frolicking mermaids and calypso-ing crustaceans sit ill at ease alongside expressionless photo-realistic fish and grimly executed dance sequences. ‘Under the Sea’ tries to convince Ariel – and the viewer – otherwise, but the sequence looks like one of those nightmarish pseudo-fetish kids’ videos cooked up by a YouTube algorithm. This, crossed with Rebel Wilson’s Jennyanydots song in Cats. When it’s not ugly, it’s unsettling, and it’s no wonder Javier Bardem (playing King Triton) seems embarrassed to be there.

With a soundtrack which consists of the iconic numbers ‘Part of Your World,’ ‘Poor Unfortunate Souls,’ and ‘Kiss the Girl,’ Alan Menken and Howard Ashman’s 1989 songs remain as fantastic as ever, and this cast certainly has the chops to do them justice. Unfortunately, as was the case with 2019’s The Lion King, Disney’s new version doesn’t have the staging or animation to pull it off. And that will always remain the case until a crab or a flatfish are able to plausibly belt out a full song-and-dance number without looking like a Cthulhu nightmare.

Which is a shame, as Bailey and Daveed Diggs are a highlight and a joy. A baffling twist to the story sees Ariel suffering from a bout of amnesia once she takes to the surface – bewitched so as to forget that she needs to seduce the Prince. However, this succeeds only in giving its lead even less agency than she had in 1989. Instead, Ariel follows Prince Eric (Jonah Hauer-King) around, a doe-eyed halfwit, as he mansplains the world to her. Comic relief comes in the form of Sebastian, Scuttle (Awkwafina) and Flounder (Jacob Tremblay). Although there’s nothing particularly funny or cute about photo-realistic fish, so much of that falls flat too.

Stretching 83 minutes out to 135, this remake adds in a few original numbers of its own (ignoring those created for the 2007 Broadway adaptation), to mixed effect. Hauer-King gives ‘Uncharted Waters’ a bit of welly, but his reluctant Prince comes across as rather, well, wet. Next, there’s Bailey’s ‘For the First Time,’ which is well-performed but oddly staged. The jaw-droppingly out-of-place ‘The Scuttlebutt,’ meanwhile, plays out like a parody version of a Lin-Manuel Miranda / Awkwafina collaboration, except it’s a thing that actually does exist and was put into this movie.

Redemption can be found in Melissa McCarthy’s Ursula, in spite of her not being in it nearly enough. And, as the film changes gear going into its final act, there is some fun to be had in the showdown between Ariel and the monstrous sea witch. Between Bailey and the film’s game supporting cast, The Little Mermaid manages to put a happy face on an otherwise cynical remake.

A transparently corporate exercise in studio-mandated money-spinning, this bloated remake fails to better its beloved source material in any way – down where it’s wetter or otherwise.

The Little Mermaid is out in cinemas across the UK now.

BREAKING INFINITY

By Ed Fortune

Breaking Infinity is a low-budget, British sci-fi movie that uses time travel to make what’s essentially a very simple story rather fun, stretching its very thin budget to the limit (as well as, alas, the audience’s patience.)

The story follows Liam (Neil Bishop), a scientist who is pretty sure he’s figured out how to make time travel work. Unfortunately, due to a seemingly inevitable accident, Liam bounces around his timeline, trying to figure out what is happening. Can he stop the accident? Does his invention break the world? And if so, how?

Low-budget sci-fi can be tricky to pull off, and Breaking Infinity almost gets there. Modern science fiction that doesn’t have a decent handle on its effects needs a strong conceit backed by powerful performances in order to be interesting. Sensibly this movie focuses on character drama, keeping the various plot twists pretty simple and the explosions few and far between. But it still fails to engage the audience.

Most of the action is between Liam and his doctor, Emma (Zoe Cunningham), who is sceptical of Liam’s discovery. Unfortunately, this tale keeps on a fairly safe and predictable path. Unfortunately, the plot does a bit of disservice to the character of Zoe, treating her more like an obstacle and an object than a person.

Breaking Infinity feels like an extended short, the sort of little tale you find at a good film festival or as part of a charming series of YouTube videos. At times, it comes close to doing something interesting and then plays it safe. This is a real shame because the acting and premise are solid; it just doesn’t come together well enough to be memorable. We wanted to like this movie, and it failed to deliver.

THE BOOGEYMAN

by Jonathan Anderson

The Boogeyman is the latest jump-scare horror to hit cinema screens, tapping into our primal childhood fears of a monster hiding under the bed or in the closet. Only this time, it’s real…

Reeling from the death of their mother, Sadie (Sophie Thatcher) and Sawyer (Vivien Lyra Blair) are finding it hard to move on, especially as their therapist father, Will (Chris Messina), is often emotionally vacant or busy with work in his home office. When a distressed patient (David Dastmalchian) accused of killing his children arrives seeking help, things only get worse for the family as an evil entity follows him into their home.

The Boogeyman is based on an early short story by Stephen King – a staple for many films these days due to his abundant material – and the man himself has apparently appraised the film. Since the source material is from the 1970s, the movie does contain tropes that are less original in 2023 – an evil being latching onto grief/fear, disguising itself, making creepy noises, darkness versus light, and the jump scares, etc. However, these are often seen in King’s stories such as It and can be hard to avoid when adapting to the screen.

The monster itself is well done, appearing menacingly in physical and supernatural forms. And we do have a decent, strong child character who may just have the best line in the film. The Boogeyman is standard horror movie popcorn fare that will do its job of making you jump in the dark and prompt many a fan to check under their bed after watching.

The Boogeyman is released in UK cinemas on June 2nd

SISU

by Jonathan Anderson

In the dying days of World War II in Finland, a prospector Aatami (Jorma Tormilla), strikes gold. Meanwhile, Nazis rape, burn and kill on their ‘scorched earth’ retreat to Norway. As Aatami tries to hurry home, he crosses paths with a squadron of these Nazis led by the sadistic Bruno (Aksel Hennie) and his number two Wolf (Jack Doolan, surprisingly). They try to kill him and steal his gold, but their plan backfires when they realise they’ve messed with the wrong man. A vengeful game of cat and mouse is turned on its head as they all fight to stay alive.

Watching Sisu will remind you of a Tarantino flick, John Wick or Rambo, mixing action, war and horror with a classic Western flair. If you’re a fan of any of these, particularly vengeful anti-heroes giving Nazis their dues while things blow up, you’ll love this film. Some parts are ridiculous to the point of being implausible, but suspension of disbelief is paramount to enjoying this kind of flick. Gory, intense, and at times funny, Sisu might just become as popular a Finnish export as Moomins and death metal.

Sisu is in cinemas from May 26th.

RE:CYCLE OF THE PENGUINDRUM

By James “Magic” Perkins

After its original 24-episode run in 2011 under the title Penguindrum; OG, director Kunihiko Ikuhara is back with Re:Cycle of the Penguindrum – a two-part, four-and-a-half-hour supernatural anime that serves as a compendium of the original narrative brought to life by Ikuhara and animation studio Lapin Track.

After Himari, a young terminally-ill girl, passes away during an innocent trip to the aquarium, she is brought back to life by a magical penguin hat that she purchased from the souvenir shop. In exchange for her return to life, Himari, along with her two brothers Kanba and Shoma, must seek out the sought-after item known as the Penguindrum for the spirit who helped her, and they are assisted by three penguins. Now if that was bizarre as it is, the rest of the narrative gets even stranger.

With a mixture of the supernatural, psychological thriller, and deep and dark drama (including a reference to the 1995 subway attack in Tokyo), this story is incredibly ambitious but overall too much to handle, especially in this format and if you are a newcomer. The animation, like most modern anime, is gorgeous to look at, with moments like Himari transporting us to the nether realm in between an overload of flashback sequences to the sibling’s childhood, allowing Lapin Track to flex their animation prowess.

Although there is a lot to like about this retelling of a somewhat controversial yet cult favourite story, Re:Cycle of the Penguindrum is more of a slog than an enjoyable ride and most certainly a chore to get through, especially if you are unfamiliar with the source material. Maybe give the original a viewing first but be warned about very heavy subject matter that is hard to watch in places.

Re:Cycle of the Penguindrum is out on May 20th in UK Cinemas for a one-night double-bill special event

MALUM

Taking a second swing at his own story of a lone cop taking on the demonic hordes of a doomsday cult, Malum is director Anthony DiBlasi’s remake of Last Shift, the low-budget horror film (and minor cult favourite) from 2014. Updated with a bigger budget, better effects, and much more of the gooey stuff, DiBlasi’s remake keeps the bones of his previous effort but ups the ante in every conceivable way.

Holding down the fort at the condemned police station where her father killed himself, rookie cop Jessica Loren (Jessica Sula) suspects that something might be amiss when things begin to go bump in the night. Prank phone calls, crazed hobos, and pentagram-bearing pigs (of the oink-oink variety) precede a demonic invasion, which Loren finds herself at the centre of. It’s The Evil Dead meets Assault on Precinct 13.

DiBlasi uses the opportunity to refine the tracks of his rollercoaster – more gore, more monsters, more twists, and more of the same. Sula weathers the torrents of abuse well, even if the near-relentless jump scares give her little to do beyond screaming and shooting at things. As before, the main attraction is the visuals – arcane, intricately horrible, and disturbing. The film’s monsters have been given a makeover, too, featuring some truly horrific creature designs.

Sure, remaking a less-than-ten-year-old film that was already perfectly serviceable never feels anything less than unnecessary, but when the results are this impressive, who are we to begrudge a guy?

Malum will be released in cinemas in the UK on April 26th as a double bill with Hunt Her, Kill Her. Find out where it’s screening here.