Movie Review: Trek Nation / Cert: TBC / Director: Scott Colthorpe / Screenplay: Jessica Brunetto / Starring: J. J. Abrams, Indira Addington, Sallie Baliunas, Grey Beyer, Chris Buice, Ernesto Cortes / Release Date: TBC

Gene Roddenberry, The Great Bird of the Galaxy, passed away just over ten years ago in 1991, and his ashes now float in space. It is easy for fans to forget that outside of Star Trek, Roddenberry was just a man with family, other interests and passions and that each of these fed into the series that we love.

His son, Eugene, does not love Star Trek. Indeed, he spent most of his life ignoring and avoiding it. After realising just how much of his father was in the show, Eugene decided to watch it, speak to the fans, the writers and creators of Star Trek in order to get to know his own father better, and this idea became the documentary Trek Nation. Originally made for television, it has been edited together into a feature film (although the titles for the advert breaks remain, which is truly annoying). This is a wonderful gem of an idea, and promises new insight into an old show.

Eugene speaks to quite an array of very interesting people. Notably, D.C. Fontana, who wrote for the original show, as well as the early shows of TNG, Rick Berman who inherited Roddenberry’s seat as the Captain of Star Trek for the following television shows, Jonathan Frakes, Seth McFarlane, Ronald Moore and J.J. Abrams, who is currently working on the newest film. Intriguingly, he also has the opportunity to speak to George Lucas, the king of Star Wars. Impressive. Most impressive.

The documentary is put together from clips of Star Trek, home videos of the Roddenberry family, interviews conducted with Eugene and some wonderful footage of early conventions and behind the scenes shots. The balance is about right. The problem is that Trek Nation is trying to do two things at once. It is trying to be a documentary about Star Trek and it is trying to be the touching story of a son learning about his father, and the outcome is that neither of these two aims is achieved in a satisfactory way.

The interviews are wasted, bouncing between the two subjects. Most frustrating, to my mind, are the squandered opportunities with Fontana and George Lucas, which could have brought some real depth into the core values and creation of Star Trek, and how it inspired Star Wars. None of the interviews provide new depth or insight. The most touching is a brief one with his mother – Majel Barrett, but Eugene declares his disappointment in this particular interview.

Trek Nation is not essential viewing, and holds little new information for fans of the show. It is entertaining enough, and would suit a Sunday afternoon perhaps, but be warned that, much like Spock’s Brain, it feels like most of the real substance is missing and it just isn’t Star Trek at its best.

Expected: 7 out of 10

Actual:

Movie Review: Iron Sky / Cert: 15 / Director: Timo Vuorensola / Screenplay: Johanna Sinisalo, Michael Kalesniko / Starring: Julia Dietze, Götz Otto, Christopher Kirby, Peta Sergeant, Stephanie Paul, Tilo Prucker, Udo Kier / Release Date: Out Now 

What if the Nazis had never been defeated, but instead had escaped in 1945 and set up a colony on the dark side of the moon, spending the intervening years plotting their revenge and plan for total world domination. Well Iron Sky, the hilariously offensive new sci-fi adventure from Finnish director Timo Vurensola, uses this premise to create one of the most stylishly witty and totally off-the-radar films you’re likely to have seen since, well – ever!

Don’t be alarmed by Iron Sky being non-PC. It’s as though the producers thought of every dodgy subject they could – sexism, fetishism, racism, Nazis, – and said hell, lets just throw the lot in and see what happens, resulting in a jaw-achingly hilarious comedy.

Everything, no matter how preposterous, is done with the cast’s tongues so firmly in their cheeks, that it takes on an air of gravity which only adds to the film’s overall fun. From the wonderful spoof of the American president (so clearly based on Sarah Palin that they haven’t even tried disguising the fact) given a manic intensity by Stephanie Paul, to the goose-stepping Nazi storm troopers in jackboots and gas-masks (lending their sinister appearance a kinky edge) ready to take-over the world in the name of their new Führer, Klaus Adler, played with creepy intensity by prolific German actor Götz Otto, the 93 minute running time zips past in a blur of explosive offensiveness.

Neither is the film afraid to blatantly rip-off other sci-fi classics. The eagle-eyed will recognise nods towards Star Wars, Mars Attacks and 2001: A Space Odyssey, whilst the interior of the Nazi’s secret moon base looks like a cross between H.R. Giger’s Alien designs and the German expressionist sets of Metropolis (which is rather appropriate considering the subject matter). Where other films may have fallen flat with such a potpourri of references to the past, Iron Sky succeeds by continuing to throw caution to the wind and not caring who it winds-up in the process.

That the first city the Nazis decide to attack is New York may appear somewhat clichéd. But let’s face it, who else on Earth lay themselves open to ridicule better than the Americans. Their fight back with the Palin-esque president leading the charge provides a witty take on what could easily have been reality had their last election gone differently.

Iron Sky is like a motorway pile up – you can’t help stopping to look despite every moral fibre in your body telling you not to.

Expected Rating: 5 out of 10

Actual Rating: 

Review: Cycle / Cert: TBC / Director: Zoltan Sostai / Screenplay: Zoltan Sostai / Release Date: TBC

Pixelated madness, simulated worlds, portals, complex questions surrounding time and disorientation dominate this visually imaginative film from debut director Zoltan Sostai. Moments of the film have a 1960s inspired feel to them, with the influence of Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey being clear. A suited up spaceman runs around a puzzling world trying to escape a mysterious fog. He is accompanied by a masked man who attempts to guide him, but it’s not clear if he is pointing him in the right direction. Much of the rest of the film takes on a more modern edge, with computer game graphics and CGI motion capture animation and in fact, at times, you get the feeling you are watching a game in motion.

The narrative, though non linear, is similar in form to that of a computer game as you are following a man running around a desolate world with the aim of escape and realisation. A repetitive series of events plays out, and at times, it gives off the effect that you have failed your level and are having to reboot and start from the beginning again. An interesting concept that just about works at the short running time of 77 minutes. If you are not a fan of computer games then this could prove to be a difficult watch.

Disorientation and atmosphere are achieved with the use of static interruption in both the visuals and the sound along with synth chords and psychedelic light beams. Codes and ticking clocks appear at intervals, left for the audience to decipher. The entire film revolves around a sense of panic, unanswered questions and ambiguity and it works on this level.

The strongest aspect of the film lies in some of the black and white footage that delivers some strange and confusing moments. Running with the concept of a computer game, the astronaut enters some extremely different worlds and rooms that are all starkly contrasted. A room filled with dancing spacemen and a conversation that sets up the idea that not everything is as it seems is particularly striking and in tone with that old school sci-fi film look. Spaceships and sparsely inhabited industrial settings with sermon like speeches make up a strange debut that shows potential. This is surreal sci-fi that has some stand out moments even if the whole may not satisfy.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Men in Black III / Cert: PG / Director: Barry Sonnenfeld / Screenplay: Etan Cohen, David Koepp, Jeff Nathanson, Michael Soccio / Starring: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Jemaine Clement, Emma Thompson, Alice Eve / Release Date: May 25th

The Men in Black franchise is one of the biggest wastes of potential in modern cinema. The first film built a wonderfully layered world which was well realised and full of possibilities. The second movie released in 2002 was just a retread of the plot of the first movie and failed to build on all of the good work of the first film. The third movie (ten years after the sequel) doesn’t exactly redress the balance but is definitely a step in the right direction.

Whenever you introduce time travel into a franchise you run into trouble. Introducing this element along with alternate timelines and convoluted plotlines can lead to nothing but confusion. This isn’t quite the case with Men in Black III but the time travel element to the plot feels like a contrivance so that they can mask the fact that, yet again, the core story is just a retread of the first two films. The travelling back to 1969 does at least give an excuse to introduce a young K played with a spot on Tommy Lee Jones impression by Josh Brolin and also throw in some gags about technology and Andy Warhol. The problem is the script meanders once it gets to the sixties, a lot of it feels unnecessary and hinders the plot. As much as people complain about the length of the first two movies, at least they were tightly scripted.

Boris the Animal never really feels like a truly terrifying villain and has some woefully unfunny scenes that waste Jermaine Clement’s natural gift for deadpan comedy. It never actually builds to anything resembling the giant monsters seen in the first two films and so instead ends with a whimper rather than a bang with an admittedly rather neat climb up the first rocket to the moon and a quite clever twist.

Despite the rather obvious problems with the screenplay, I had fun with Men in Black III. The chemistry between Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith is still very much in evidence and is also prevalent in the scenes between Smith and Josh Brolin. If they do make a fourth movie it would be good to get Brolin involved somehow because here he feels like he could carry the franchise with Smith should Jones happen to not show up for it.

Men in Black III will no doubt make a lot of money this summer due to Will Smith’s presence. Sadly for the audience and for Smith, it’s another case of a sci-fi franchise failing to be all it can be despite some great moments.

Expected Rating: 4 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Manborg / Cert: TBC / Director: Steven Kostanski / Screenplay: Steven Kostanski / Starring: Adam Brooks, Matthew Kennedy, Ludwig Lee, Conor Sweeney, Meredith Sweeney / Release Date: TBC

At some point in the near future, the Gates To Hell are opened, unleashing an army of evil Nazi Vampires with whom there are several large wars. Led by Count Draculon, the army from Hell eventually prove victorious, and all humankind finds itself being ruled and tortured by these horrendous creatures.

Our hero begins as a soldier fighting in the ‘Third Hell War’. Following his brother’s death, he is the only soldier brave enough to attack Count Draculon. Of course, he loses, and is left for dead. He wakes up years later in a box, as Manborg. Part man, part cyborg. He has been designed to fight and defeat evil Count. His new armaments include a rocket launcher in his elbow, a laser beam and a powerful machine gun, as well as increased strength (which must come as standard in these situations). He is also much slower, and less co-ordinated than he had been previously.

Manborg hooks up with a team of heroes. Number One Man is an Asian martial arts expert, with a dubbed voice. Mina is the tough street-kid after revenge. Her brother, Justice, is the final member of the group. He can’t read, but is fond of one-liners and bizarre dance moves whilst fighting.

Manborg had no budget. To the film-maker’s credit, instead of simply having awful special effects, the rest of the film has been made ‘badly’ too. It is jumpy and oddly shot, which takes time to get used to, but does prove atmospheric and successfully frames the film in its own weird bubble of surrealism. It feels like a nightmare, and I enjoyed it. There is also use of stop-motion plasticine work for some of the villains, which is always welcome and fits with Manborg’s retro feeling. The film is a homage to some of the great (and not-so-great) cult movies of the 1980’s. It certainly feels as if Manborg is moving through a list of items, ticking them off. Training montage, check. Girl fight, check. Dubbed dialogue, check…

This is not a film to be taken seriously, and it is played for laughs. The evil Nazi Vampires, for example, chase our heroes on floating glowing energy surf boards. (Yes, evil surfing Nazi vampires…) The Baron is an evil hell creature in charge of the prison. He has a smoking habit, and a crush on Mina – bringing her flowers, and trying to figure out why she doesn’t fall for him. Also, the mask worn by the actor has a mouth that is constantly open in a toothy grimace, and doesn’t move as the character speaks.

At just over 60 mins, Manborg is the perfect length. Any longer and the fun would wear off, and the stylistic choices induce a headache. As it is, Manborg is a fun, insane romp through a blend of 1980’s science fiction and horror. Beer is a necessary accompaniment.

Expected: 6 out of 10

Actual:

Review: Hidden Face / Cert: TBC / Director: Andrés Baiz / Screenplay: Andrés Baiz, Stewart St. John / Starring: Quim Gutiérrez, Clara Lago, Martina García / Release Date: TBC

Though The Hidden Face, the new thriller from Andrés Baiz, the director behind 2007’s critically acclaimed crime thriller Satanás, is not strictly a horror film, it has all the qualities for a truly unsettling experience – atmosphere, suspense and a twisted climax which leaves you guessing until the final credits.

Adrián (Quim Gutiérrez) and his fiancé Belén (Clara Lago) move into an isolated mansion outside the Colombian city of Bogotá, after he takes up the position of conductor in residence with the city’s orchestra. As time passes Belén convinces herself that Adrián is having an affair with a member of the orchestra, which leads her to become increasingly paranoid and hostile towards him. Then suddenly one morning Belén disappears. Accepting that she has gone for good Adrián moves on and meets a young waitress called Fabiana (Martina García) with whom he falls in love and brings to live in the house. Everything is fine until Fabiana begins hearing sounds when alone in the house, becoming convinced that there is more to her strange new home than meets the eye…

In the age of the modern horror movie, film-makers appear to have forgotten that often what isn’t seen is much more unsettling than anything CGI wizardry can come up with. Productions from large Hollywood studios seem honour-bound to include as much visual mayhem as they can, meaning that audiences increasingly have to look beyond mainstream American cinema (in this case to Spain) for cutting edge frights.

The Hidden Face works because it has no such constraints. Eschewing gore for subtlety, the film builds tension by encouraging your affinity with the individual characters. However, despite Adrian’s distress at the apparent loss of Belén being brought to life with believable intensity by Gutiérrez, it is Lago and García’s performances as the suspicious Belén and bewildered Fabiana which stand out, leaving the viewer’s loyalties torn between the two with equal sympathy and contempt.

Setting and soundtrack are as important in the creation of the film’s suspense and atmosphere as the characters. Though the secluded country house which Adrián and Belén move into is your typical ‘haunted house’ with twisting corridors, wide open rooms and dodgy lighting which fails just when needed most, it creates an added air of menace through its beautiful yet austere decor. The strains of classical music which echo round the dimly lit mansion as Adrián pounds his grand piano late at night would be enough to send anyone over the edge, let alone the fragile Fabiana who increasingly believes that the house she has moved into is haunted.

Like the work of that master of the twisted tale Roald Dhal, The Hidden Face keeps the best shock to last. Its unexpected denouement would be worthy of the master of the macabre himself, thus completing an original and disturbing classic.

Expected Rating: 5 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Movie Review: The Harsh Light of Day / Cert: 18 / Director: Oliver S Milburn / Screenplay: Oliver S Milburn / Starring: Dan Richardson, Giles Anderson, Niki Felstead, Sophie Linfield / Release Date: June 8th

It’s fair to say that the last thing most of us really need right now is another low budget seen-this-before vampire shocker; the jury’s still out on whether vampires or zombies are currently the most overused monsters in horror cinema. But the romantic idea of the vampire – the restless undead spirit drifting through the centuries feeding from the living – seems endlessly irresistible so it’s hardly surprising that writers are still drawn back to the well and find themselves compelled to tell new blood-sucking stories. Post-Twilight, vampire movies remain a dime a dozen and pretty much interchangeable but occasionally something comes along which, if not exactly different, has enough originality in its vision to raise it above the pack and mark it down for wider investigation.

The Harsh Light of Day is the first feature (albeit running at about seventy-five minutes) by young British director Oliver S Milburn. Occult writer Daniel Shergold (Richardson) and his wife Maria (Felstead) are celebrating the publication of Daniel’s definitive book on the supernatural when their country home is invaded in the night by a gang of masked youths. Maria is bludgeoned to death and Daniel is left paralysed when he‘s thrown down a flight of stairs. Police attempts to track down the home invaders lead nowhere and Daniel falls into a spiral of depression and despair, trapped in his own home with its terrible memories, looking for solace at the bottom of a glass. A phone call from the supernatural expert who helped Daniel put together his book offers him the chance of revenge when he’s introduced to the mysterious, brooding and wonderfully-named Infurnari (Anderson). But revenge comes at a great price and ultimately Daniel has to decide if that price – his own humanity – is one he’s really willing to pay.

The Harsh Light of Day is a micro-budget British movie and, to be honest, it looks it. Its digital filming means it resembles some badly-transferred mid-Atlantic TV movie but in some ways this adds to its urgency, its immediacy and certainly its intimacy. Whilst its story of vampiric redemption is one we’re all too familiar with, Milburn’s script is tight and thoughtful, powered by an intense central performance from Dan Richardson as the tormented, tragic Daniel entering into a Faustian pact with Infurnari. Milburn has managed to turn his tiny budget to his advantage; violence and horror is often implied or shown in swift cuts and fleeting moments of brutality; the sequence where the invaders return to Daniel’s home to finish what they started, shown in a ‘found footage’ style, is inspired and off-putting because it’s not expected and suddenly jarringly-realistic. Admittedly the attackers themselves, filming their acts of violence for the visual gratification of others, appear to be have been recruited from Central Chav Casting via EastEnders but the film’s more concerned with Daniel’s choice and its consequences than attempting to humanise the baddies who, in the end, are just vampire fodder.

Your enjoyment of Harsh Light of Day will depend entirely on how tolerant you are of cheap, earnest, raw film-making. Milburn has, frankly, worked wonders here with almost no money but with a well-written script which has a real story to tell. Oliver Milburn is an enthusiastic and clearly-talented young director who, with a bit more money behind him, could be capable of some very powerful cinema in years to come. Harsh Light of Day is a very strong and promising start.

Movie Review: Top Cat: The Movie / Cert: U / Director: Alberto Mar / Screenplay: Kevin Seccia, Timothy McKeon / Starring: (Voices) Jason Harris, Bill Lobely, Chris Edgerly / Release Date: June 1st

Top Cat and the gang – Benny the Ball, Fancy Fancy, Choo Choo, Spook and Brains – are in hot water. Chief Strickland, New York’s new head of police, is a nasty piece of work and has the feline friends and their hapless nemesis Office Dibble in his sights.

Determined to rid ‘his city’ of these nuisances, Strickland has TC thrown in jail on trumped up charges and locks the others out of their alley. Will the cats be able to rescue TC and save the city from Strickland and his new robot police force?  With Dibble’s help that’s anyone’s guess!

Experience should tell you that if you’re looking forward to something the reality often fails to live up to expectations. Top Cat: The Movie (voiced by a band of actors you’re unlikely to have heard of) is a case in point, as this animated escapade is certainly no ‘Top Dog’. The main problem is that this is a film clearly selling itself on nostalgia. From the opening strains of the instantly recognisable theme tune to the familiar voices of Officer Dibble, TC and the gang, everything, including the retro-animation, smacks of the original ’60s television show. 

The resulting trip down memory lane may be fun for those who remember the show first time round, however it’s doubtful the current generation of sophisticated children (who are after all this kind of material’s prime audience) will ever have heard of the ‘Cool Cat’ and his fab five let alone find their brand of cliche ridden, mishap based humour amusing. The unfortunate truth is that those adults who fondly remember TC from their youth, will likely be sorely disappointed in what they see here – even with the aid of 3D glasses instead of rose tinted spectacles.

Though there are some amusing one-liners and the occasional ‘wink wink’ double entendre, these are few and far between. Any glimmer of interest (as with dastardly Stickland’s sinister robot police force which has a distinct air of Robocop about it), is soon dashed by a story thread which may have made for a mildly diverting half hour television show, but the transparency of which is clearly obvious when spread thinly over ninety minutes on the big screen.

The animation itself, though passable, is a little ropey in places, whilst the main characters of TC and Officer Dibble lack spark.  Any real fun is left to the sidekick cats (particularly Choo Choo camping it up wonderfully in a tight-fitting white polo-neck), who going on the evidence here deserve a film of their own.

Top Cat‘s accompanying press release says that this summer sees the return of TC ‘after more than a 50-year hiatus’. After watching it you’ll understand why he waited so long to make a come-back.

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating: 

Review: Dark Shadows / Cert: 12A / Director: Tim Burton / Screenplay: Seth Grahame-Smith / Starring: Johnny Depp, Eva Green, Helena Bonham Carter, Chloe Moretz, Michelle Pfeiffer, Johnny Lee Miller, Jackie Earle Hayley, Bella Heathcote / Release Date: Out Now

Gothic ‘70s soap Dark Shadows joins the likes of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Alice in Wonderland as a predictable choice for director Tim Burton. It seems the days when he would challenge himself with films like Ed Wood, Sweeney Todd and Big Fish are long gone and his career follows the blockbuster road made easier for him now by the fact that Johnny Depp can guarantee a huge box office opening. So we come to Dark Shadows, which whilst not quite the turkey that some are claiming, suffers greatly from the fact that the original Dark Shadows was actually a soap, a soap with vampires, but a soap in the way that Home and Away is a soap.

We begin the film back in the 19th century with wealthy heir to a fishing empire Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) about to be married to the love of his life. His jealous ex-lover Angelique turns out to be a witch and she convinces his fiancée to throw herself off a cliff. Barnabas follows her over and awakens cursed to be a vampire for all eternity. Barnabas is hounded and hunted by Angelique and the townspeople of Collinsport, who bury him in a coffin for the rest of his life. We then find ourselves in 1972 and Barnabas’ rest is disturbed by some construction work, he awakens, feeds and then sets back for his mansion. There he finds what is left of the Collins family, headed by Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer). Barnabas sets about re-building the Collins empire and settling in with the family, which is complicated by the fact that child psychiatrist Victoria arrives and is an exact double of the lost love of his life, and Angelique is now the CEO of a rival fishing company in town.

The problems with Dark Shadows are many. Most obviously the film has no idea what it’s going for. Is it a fish out of water comedy like Austin Powers? It tries but never fully commits to the silliness and apart from a few chuckles is really not that funny. Is it a horror comedy along the lines of The Addams Family or Death Becomes Her? It could also be seen like this but apart from Barnabas himself the supernatural elements are few and far between, with most of them suddenly being jammed into the last twenty minutes by which point you have stopped caring. Added to this the fact that Barnabas actually kills more innocent people than the supposed bad guy and you have an idea of the confusing tone of this film.

Dark Shadows never rises above its soap opera roots; the film feels very much like a soap opera with characters and scandals introduced and then tossed aside for most of the running time with the plot only really kicking in in the last twenty minutes. Like a soap, the film is just kind of there, not really exciting or thrilling you but kind of like white noise and at some points tedious.

There are things to like here but they are few and far between. Johnny Depp is good as Barnabas but the performance is maybe a little too self-aware. Some of his lines are good as he struggles to fit in in the ‘70s but most of the comedy feels contrived and puzzling. Eva Green is quite brilliant as the villainous witch Angelique, proving she can do a panto style villain as well as the more serious independent film roles she is known for. The decision not to depict her as an old hag in the modern age is also smart; instead they give her beautiful visage a shattering china effect whenever she uses her powers which is really neat. Helena Bonham Carter continues to prove she was born to be in Tim Burton’s films and Chloe Moretz also impresses as the young teenage daughter on the verge of a major transformation not just into womanhood. Sadly Michelle Pfeiffer, Jonny Lee Miller and Jackie Earle Haley are given very little to do apart from make up the members of the Collins clan on which to hang the soapy plot. As previously mentioned the final twenty minutes pile on the special effects with sudden reveals of supernatural abilities that will leave you scratching your head but are visually accomplished nonetheless. Danny Elfman’s score is also worth mentioning because it’s the least Elfman esque of his collaborations with Burton for a while and is quite refreshing.

So far between Battleship and Dark Shadows, summer blockbuster season 2012 isn’t going terribly well with only The Avengers worth getting excited about. Dark Shadows may be better than Alice in Wonderland and finds Burton on less manic form, but it’s sadly not the return to form hoped for and the gothic franchise will return to the obscurity from which it came.

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating:

 

Review: Piranha 3DD (18) / Director: John Gulager / Screenplay: Marcus Dunstan, Patrick Melton / Starring Katrina Bowden, Danielle Panabaker, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, Chris Zylka, Jean-Luc Bilodeau, Gary Busey, David Koechner, David Hasselhoff / Release Date: Out Now

Ah, the beauty of cinema. The magic of film dialogue. Think of some of the classics. “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” “Play it again, Sam.”  “I’m as mad as Hell and I’m not going to take this any more.” “Made it, ma. Top of the world!” “You can’t handle the truth.” You probably have your own favourites. Now, courtesy of Piranha 3DD, another achingly lyrical classic which film devotees will cherish for generations. “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina.” Ah, it’s like poetry… 

Alexandre Aja’s Piranha 3D in 2010 resurrected the long-forgotten fishy franchise with a neat balance of outrageous comedy and gruesome bloody spectacle. This cheeky sequel largely sidelines the gore and goes directly and repeatedly for the funny bone. With Christopher Lloyd reprising and exaggerating his role as barmy ichthyologist Goodman, Ving Rhames back as Deputy Fallon complete with machine gun legs and David Hasselhoff (the Hoff!) stealing the show as a wildly over-the-top caricature of himself (at least, for his sake, I’m hoping it’s a wildly over-the-top caricature), any pretence at serious horror goes flying out of the window faster than you can say “Get out of the water!” Even the title tells its own story; if 3D glasses are capable of steaming up, the parade of pneumatic breasts undulating across the screen in luxurious slow motion is going to do the trick. Don’t you just love the movies?

The story, because we know you’re interested, picks up a year after the events of the previous film turned holiday resort Lake Victoria into an eerie, quarantined no-go area. Locals in some nameless and presumably nearby town are gearing up for the opening of the Big Wet, a fabulous new water park where fun’s the name of the game (along with wet T-shirts.) But the piranha swarm have swum upstream through underground water systems and sniffed out a new food supply. Before long local teens are getting nipped and shredded and greedy water park owner Chet (wonky-mouthed David Koechner) refuses to listen to warnings of imminent piranha-based disaster. Honestly, have none of these people seen Jaws? There are a couple of decent, effective set pieces in the first half of Piranha 3DD; the piranha attacks on the jetty and the horny teens trapped in their Mystery Machine when it plunges into the lake are both inventive and exciting. But halfway through the film it seems that scriptwriters Dunstan and Melton decided that they’ve done their best but it’s probably time to start getting silly now. “Welcome to rock bottom” growls The Hoff when he arrives to open The Big Wet. But in truth his arch performance is a new career high for the former TV lifeguard who playfully allows the film to make good use of his public persona as a slightly weird, seriously faded and yet oddly beloved modern icon. By the time the water park carnage starts – and it’s all a bit low-key and perfunctory compared to the seriously grisly blood-letting of Piranha 3D – it’s too late for the film to try to shock us because it’s been too damned funny for too damned long.

The unknown cast of enthusiastic teens are typically faceless and interchangeable and the script tries to get us interested in by-the-numbers subplots about a bent deputy Sheriff and a dreary love triangle but ultimately Piranha 3DD (and some of the 3D isn’t too shabby) is more concerned with making us laugh than making us scream. By the end, even though every fibre of your being will be telling you that this is cheap, sleazy exploitative twaddle, you won’t be able to resist just sitting back and going with the (blood) flow, enjoying the scenery and letting the Hoff work his very special brand of magic.

Piranha 3DD is utterly ridiculous and quite, quite brilliant in equal parts and for exactly the same reasons. Go on, go and see it – and stay through the end credits which are possibly more entertaining than the film itself. 

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating: