Movie Review: The Lorax / Cert: U / Director: Chris Renauld, Kyle Balda  / Screenplay: Ken Daurio / Starring: Taylor Swift, Zac Effron, Danny DeVito, Ed Helms, Betty White / Release Date: July 27th

Masterpiece is a term all too often bandied about to describe films which, though good, often have that elusive ingredient missing.The Lorax however, justifies the use of the word 100% as it has that missing element in spades (though admittedly you just can’t put your finger on what it is). This big screen version of one of the most popular stories by cult American children’s author Dr Seuss is one of the most beguiling ninety minutes of animation you’re ever likely to see. Seldom do the elements of graphics, story and characterisation come together in such a sublime mix which completely envelopes the viewer for its entire duration.

Twelve year old Ted (voiced by Zac Efron) lives in the town of ‘Thneed-Ville’ where everything is fake, with no trees or vegetation and where fresh air is sold in bottles by the megalomaniac business man Mr O’Hare (Rob Riggle), who holds the town under his steely grip. But Ted is a feisty boy and, after Audrey (Taylor Swift), the girl he is secretly infatuated with, tells him that she’d fall in love with any boy who could bring her a real tree, he determines to find one in order to win her hand. Sneaking from ‘Thneed-Ville’ one night, Ted sets off to find the mysterious Once-ler (Ed Helms) who lives in the wastelands outside the town. This reclusive person holds the secret as to what became of all the trees and to the identity of the Lorax (Danny DeVito), the mythical guardian of the land that lies beyond the walls of ‘Thneed-Ville’.

The Lorax, produced by the team behind Despicable Me, is one of those rare films where everything just comes together. Though primarily aimed at children, the surreal animation which brings the wacky imagination of Theodor Seuss Geisel to the screen, will equally stir adults who remember his tales from childhood. Coloured in an array of vibrant acids and bleak monochromes the new production is probably the nearest visualisation to date of the sinister world of Seuss’ bewitching morality tales.

The film also contains all the elements required to make it a classic. With the voice talents of Hollywood legends like DeVito and Betty White (as Ted’s mischievous Grammy Norma), and a universal moral to the story which will resonate with everyone in today’s consumer obsessed culture, this fable will last long after the regular crop of kid’s cartoon capers have faded from the collective memory.

The Lorax surpasses even the highest expectations, and once it has finished I defy anyone not to sit down right away and watch it through it all over again.

Expected Rating: 7

Actual Rating:

Movie Review: Safety Not Guaranteed / Cert: 15 / Director: Colin Trevorrow / Screenplay: Derek Connolly / Starring: Aubrey Plaza, Jake M. Johnson, Karan Soni / Release Date: December 26th (UK)

Kenneth Calloway (Duplass) is searching for a companion to go back in time with him. When he places an ad in the classifieds, Seattle Magazine journalist Jeff, (Johnson) decides to follow the story and takes his two interns, Darius (Plaza) and Arnau (Soni) along for the ride. Though Kenneth is the only one working on his calibrations and calculations for backwards time travel everyone is looking to their past.

This trio of journalists take to the coast to seek out the mysterious Kenneth, who by day is a cashier at the local supermarket and at all other times wrapped up in a world of conspiracy, scientific theory, loneliness and paranoia. The film hinges on the fact that it keeps you guessing as to whether Kenneth is utterly deluded or a mad time travelling genius. When the arrogant Jeff strolls up to Kenneth’s door to enquire about the ad he is turned away so it is up to the demure Darius to take on the role as investigator and potential companion.

Kenneth conducts a rigorous line of questioning to ensure he recruits the right person for the job and Darius seems to fit the bill as her apparent reasoning for wanting to go back stems from the desire to save her deceased mother.  Kenneth guides her through meticulous training – some target practice and running through the forest – and they embark on an adventure. What starts as a journalist searching for a story turns into a beautiful friendship as Darius and Kenneth learn to trust each other.

Writer, Derek Connolly, has put a lot of thought into the characters and it pays off as each goes on their own journeys. All weave together to provide some funny, strange and winning moments. Mark Duplass takes on the role of Kenneth and he provides a memorable character who is given some excellent lines. Aubrey Plaza adds her cynical charm to the character of Darius and shines in the lead role. This pivotal relationship between two lost souls provides a lot of the laughs but also many of the more poignant moments. The supporting characters don’t get forgotten either; Arnau gets many of the funniest lines as he comments on a laser robbery gone wrong via the ever reliant Star Wars relating to real life dialogue “Stormtroopers don’t know anything about lasers, they are blue collar workers.” He isn’t painted as a stereotype though, as he advises other characters from his perceptive observations.

A film that focuses on meeting and getting to know some great characters all set against a backdrop of intrigue and science fiction adventure. Thanks to the witty script, some excellent character development and a story that keeps you guessing this film is as funny as it is intriguing.  A charming and clever trip that is worth investing some time in.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Movie Review: Lovely Molly / Cert: 15 / Director: Eduardo Sanchez / Screenplay: Eduardo Sanchez / Starring: Gretchen Lodge, Johnny Lewis, Alexandra Holden, Ken Arnold / Release Date: June 22nd

The career trajectory of Eduardo Sanchez and Daniel Myrick is one of the more baffling things in modern cinema. Exploding on to the scene with The Blair Witch Project which launched the modern found footage genre and became one of the most profitable films of all time, they then stumbled around Hollywood for five years struggling to get projects off the ground. Eventually they both got work separately and are now slogging it out in direct to DVD land. Hearing the buzz about Eduardo Sanchez’s Lovely Molly and seeing the ‘Haxan Films presents’ credit at the start, it somehow felt like it was about time.

Lovely Molly is an upsetting film, maybe the most upsetting thing we’ve seen this year and it definitely left us feeling like we needed a hug come the ending. The problem is that tonally and narratively it’s kind of a mess.

The film starts in Sanchez’s old found footage playground as we witness the marriage of Molly (Gretchen Lodge) to truck driver Tim (Johnny Lewis). The video camera is temporarily put away as we witness the happy couple move into the house where Molly grew up with her sister. Things start to make noise in the night time, a burglar alarm is set off, a door is rapped on furiously and the genius sound design comes into play. As Tim is away, Molly is alone and she begins hearing voices and footsteps from some unseen malevolent entity. Molly begins acting strangely and grows more and more withdrawn as her claims are met with disbelief. Gradually we learn that Molly has a junkie past and this may well have something to do with her upbringing and the house where she now lives.

As a study of mental illness, Lovely Molly is absolutely brilliant. Its first act plays out like a white trash version of Black Swan with Sanchez employing the mid close up handheld technique that Darren Aronofsky used so effectively. Combine this with a fearless performance from Gretchen Lodge and the results are something special. The film stumbles however with its decision to imbue the story with supernatural overtones which seem out of place. It’s as if Sanchez wanted to make a strong film about the effects of child abuse but then couldn’t get it together unless it had some element of dark magic present in his previous films. As a result the film doesn’t fall either side of the fence and feels a little incomplete. The supernatural element is a mish mash of at least ten horror films from the last twenty years, even The Blair Witch Project gets a nod.

Lovely Molly is definitely a film that will unsettle you; the previously mentioned sound design is fantastic, using methods employed so effectively in the films of David Lynch. There is a found footage element present throughout the film but it adds little to the overall structure apart from making things just that much more tense. An unnecessary third act reveal and some wince inducing violence make it certain that the film will leave a nasty taste in your mouth.

The film is worth watching for the fantastic performance from Gretchen Lodge who really gives it her all, but sadly as a film it’s ultimately something of a disappointment.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Movie Review: Inseparable / Cert: 12A / Director: Dayyan Eng / Screenplay: Dayyan Eng / Starring: Kevin Spacey, Daniel Wu, Beibi Gong / Release Date: TBC

This Chinese comedy takes a few notes from films such as Defendor, Kick-Ass and Super and makes an enjoyably silly melange of their themes and superhero styling. Kevin Spacey lifts the film from above average with his hilarious turn as a neighbour and shoulder to cry on to Daniel Wu’s suicidal soul. Dark comedy and wonderfully surreal images appear on screen as Director, Dayyan Eng, attempts to confuse the audience and put them off the scent – and it works for the most part.

Li (Daniel Wu) is having a tough time, his parents are recently deceased in a car crash and he has suffered the loss of a child. His relationship with his wife is at an all-time low and apathy and depression are sinking in. When he is at his lowest ebb, Chuck (Kevin Spacey), miraculously appears on his doorstep to provide a comforting ear. They become firm friends, don capes and take to the city to teach the bad guys and corporate sleazes a lesson. Pharmaceutical companies are the main target as Li blames them for the death of his child. The drugs his wife took during pregnancy were tainted through cost cutting. Corruption and capitalism in China are commented on underneath the surface of this superhero guise.

Spacey puts every silly bone he can into this performance, his appearances make for the biggest laughs with slow motion running suited in full superhero garb and he gets the funniest lines. Chuck first appears as a helpful character but soon turns into an antagonistic presence as he persuades Li to partake in some misguided activity. Eng gives Spacey grand moments in which to shine and he has a lot of fun with the role.

Daniel Wu takes on a more serious role in Li who is afflicted with depression. Most of his interactions with Spacey are incredibly funny, but the darker aspects of the film hinge on his performance and he does the role justice. It turns out Li is suffering from a brief psychotic episode and this leaves the audience questioning what is actually really happening in the film.

The attention to detail in some of the creations are fantastic, a hair clip that barks and a mechanical insect both intrigue and look fantastic. The costumes are equally creative and a flowering rooftop garden in which the two meet to discuss their plans adds to the eccentricity that surrounds their relationship.

Even though the tone is slightly uneven and the premise has been done better in the above mentioned films it is still entertaining, bizarre and worth watching simply to see Kevin Spacey smoke three cigarettes at once and appear through a door frame “here’s Johnny!” style.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Movie Review: Lockout / Cert: 15 / Director: James Mather, Stephen St Leger / Screenplay: James Mather, Stephen St Leger, Luc Besson / Starring: Guy Pearce, Vincent Regan, Maggie Grace, Joseph Gilgun, Lennie James, Peter Stormare / Release Date: Out Now

In space, no one can hear you scream “But this is just like Escape from New York… but in space!”. It’s a trite observation but it’s also an unavoidable truth; the DNA of John Carpenter’s 1981 cult classic runs right through this unpretentious little shoot ‘em up and we wouldn’t be surprised to find that Kurt Russell’s Snake Plissken is lurking somewhere in the bloodline of Lockout’s anti-hero action figure Snow (Pearce) – and yes, we do find out his first name and no, I’m not going to reveal it here.

So does this sound familiar? In the year 2079 former Government agent Snow, falsely accused of a crime he – wait for it – did not commit, is destined to spend 30 years in cryogenic suspension in  maximum security space prison MS-1 in orbit around the Earth. As luck would have it, the station’s security is seriously compromised during a visit by the US President’s daughter Emilie (Grace) when the cons wake up, go on the rampage and take control of the station. Laconic, wise-cracking Snow is offered his freedom if he’ll just nip in and rescue her.  Before he can say “Hang on, isn’t this a bit like…?” he’s zipping up his spacesuit and he’s on his way.

Once aboard, Snow quickly makes contact with Emilie just as she’s about to die of oxygen starvation (the sequence which saves her life ain’t for the squeamish) and before long the reluctant pair are rushing around the station trying to find a way off whilst Alex (Regan), leader of the cons, his tattooed psychopathic brother Hydell (Gilgun from Misfits) and his sweaty band of misanthropic mercenaries try to murder them. In amidst all the shouting and shooting there’s a rather hazy subplot about the whereabouts of a missing briefcase which can vindicate Snow but it’s clear that this is just so much flabby padding and that directors Mather and St Leger are more concerned with keeping the action moving and putting their characters in constant peril.

To be fair, Lockout is an energetic and entertaining ride. Pearce, in his first proper SF role since the disastrous 2002 remake of The Time Machine, knocks Snow’s one-liners out of the park and manages to whip up a bit of understated sexual chemistry with Grace. Pearce is a surprisingly effective action man too and there are a number of set pieces which, if not wildly original, will at least hold the attention. Regan exudes brooding menace as the leader of the gang of cosmic convicts but the film misses a trick by denying him a proper full-blooded final confrontation with Snow. Although filmed before Misfits, Gilgun is channelling his inner Rudy as Hydell,  wild and kill-crazy in contrast with his brother who’s ultimately no less ruthless but slightly more thoughtful and methodical.

In a multiplex era where blockbusters often weigh in at an attention-challenging two hours plus, Lockout rattles along and is done and dusted in just over 90 minutes – and, ironically, the film suffers a bit from its brevity. The pace is so breakneck it doesn’t give the audience a moment to catch its breath after one trauma for its characters before plunging them into the next. The conclusion is fudged, too; a dramatic freefall sequence is robbed of its potentially nail-biting drama by being over before it’s even begun. Lockout’s also a bit over-ambitious visually; an early CGI motorbike scene is horribly unconvincing and whilst the space station stuff is better realised most of the FX are pretty second-drawer and wouldn’t look too out of place in a bargain bin computer game.

Lockout’s too disposable to be either memorable or especially offensive. It’s creaky and clunky and deeply derivative but in some ways that’s endearing; it’s the cinematic equivalent of popping out to see an old friend and finding he’s had a haircut and is wearing a new suit. But deep down, it’s the same old person you’ve known for years. Lowbrow SF action-by-numbers then, but a brain-on-standby fun night out all the same.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Movie Review: The Monk / Cert: 15 / Director: Dominik Moll / Screenplay: Dominik Moll / Starring: Vincent Cassel, Deborah Francois, Josephine Japy / Release Date: April 27th

Satan, sex, scandal, incest and intrigue all wrapped up in this atmospheric adaptation of the 1796 Gothic Horror novel by Matthew Gregory Lewis. Vincent Cassel is the virtuous Capucin Ambrosio who has never known a life outside of the monastery. Mysteriously left on the steps of this grand, imposing structure as a baby his fate has fallen into the hands of a higher being.  Director Dominik Moll mixes horror and melodrama successfully in this adaptation.

Ambrosio preaches goodness and thrusts judgement onto others but is lured into temptation easily. He has a devout following and the community hang on his every word, but inside he is struggling with raging migraines, sexual desires and prophetic dreams. An emissary of Satan has been sent to test him and lead him into darkness in the form of the raspy tongued Valerio who enters the monastery with a blank wooden mask strapped to his face after being horribly disfigured by a fire in which his family were killed. A frightening image that adds to the peculiar and curious nature of this wicked character.

Bugs, dark forces, ghostly apparitions and psychological tension dominate this elegantly shot yarn of moral and spiritual wrestling. Though the direction the story goes in may be obvious it is all about the way the tale is told. It reaches back to a tone reminiscent of late sixties and seventies religious horror and runs with it. Malevolence hidden beneath religion and hypocrisy take centre stage shown effectively through a story of a nun who is cruelly punished after partaking in sinful activity and the final act of the desperate Ambrosio.

Dominik Moll plays with visuals brilliantly; sparse shots of deserted land and rose gardens in bloom contrast the starved sexual urges of a man of the cloth with the natural fever of passion. The bright landscapes and the dark interiors of the monastery depict Ambrosio’s psychological struggle with distinction. The excess of the novel is replaced with a repression and brooding showing the torment of a man tempted by evil. Certain storylines fall to the side, which is a shame, but with the focus being on Cassel he performs with assurance and the intensity needed for the character.

Moll has taken the novel and adapted it in his own vision creating an involving depiction of one man’s fall from grace; the change from virtuous to untamed beast is handled exquisitely. Excessively harsh punishment, moments of absolute absurdity and rapturous overbearing music make this a gem of a film that will have you squealing with pleasure.

Expected: 7

Actual:

Movie Review: Avengers Assemble / Cert: 12A / Director: Joss Whedon / Screenplay: Joss Whedon / Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Hiddleston, Clark Gregg, Cobie Smulders / Release Date: April 26th

This is it, the big one… perhaps one of the biggest, most promise filled films we will ever see in our lifetime. Marvel Studios has been building towards this for the last four years ever since Samuel L. Jackson appeared as Nick Fury in the post credits sting of Iron Man. The good news is, this doesn’t disappoint, and in fact it will likely exceed your expectations. It’s become cliché to say this with every new film they release, but this really is the best film Marvel Studios have produced so far. There is a very clear reason for this, allow us to explain…

The film takes place some time after the events of the five Marvel Studios films that preceded this one. What is surprising is that the ‘Avenger Initiative’ project begun by Nick Fury has been abandoned due to the egos and destructive power involved. Thor’s vengeful and bitter brother Loki, uses the cosmic cube (or Tesseract) thought lost in Captain America, to come through to our world. Once here he sets about enslaving mankind with some mind control technology he has been loaned by a race of aliens backing him up. Nick Fury declares a state of war and revives the Avengers Initiative as a mysterious phase 2 to the project isn’t quite ready. Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Bruce Banner are all rounded up by Natasha Romanov of S.H.I.E.L.D. and taken to the hugely impressive Helicarrier seen in the comics. Thor comes to Earth due to the ruckus his brother is causing having learned new compassion for the humans. Naturally these being Earth’s mightiest heroes, they don’t all see eye to eye but they have to learn to work together if they are going to save the world.

We all know that this was in good hands; Joss Whedon has written for Marvel comics as well as created some of the most iconic characters in genre films from the last thirty years. What may surprise you is how this film demonstrates just how clever and talented the man is. Every single character introduced over the last four years and gets some kind of arc here. Even the lesser characters used as background in previous films get a back story and yet there is not an ounce of fat on this thing; it’s tight as a drum and flies by over its two hours and something running time. Apart from Tony Stark, it can be said that over the last four years or so, the characters introduced in the Marvel movieverse have lacked something that made them feel real and alive. As good as Captain America and The Incredible Hulk were, they lacked a certain spark and humour. Thor had it but sadly was let down by a pretty by the numbers screenplay. Whedon brings his trademark witty dialogue and gift for a visual gag to the movie but never at the detriment of the plot. As a result all of these characters feel wonderfully alive and interact with each other in constantly surprising ways. This reviewer’s inner geek is still coming to terms with just how good the scenes between Robert Downey Jr and Chris Evans were as their characters ideologies clash. The scenes between Thor and Hulk also have to be seen to be believed. Fans of the Jade Giant need not worry, Mark Ruffalo does a brilliant job of portraying Banner and the effects work with the character is even better than the last time we saw him on screen.

For those of you who were worried that the film may have been scaled back to mostly dialogue instead of action to keep the budget down, relax. The film has a plethora of massive action scenes to keep blocks being busted. The key thing with the action here is that you can actually see it, there isn’t any shaky cam nonsense that plagues the modern blockbuster, and instead everything is presented in wide angles in glorious detail. Whedon hasn’t ever attempted anything quite on this scale before but he pulls it off like he’s been doing it his whole life. The final thirty minutes or so are breathtaking and demand to be seen on the big screen.

Between this and The Cabin in the Woods, Whedon is going to become the most sought after talent in the industry and the rest of the world is going to clock on to what we have always known. Avengers Assemble is nothing short of miraculous and is the perfect summer blockbuster; it feels like the Lord of the Rings of the superhero genre. Spider-Man and Batman have a hell of a lot to live up to. MARVELous!!

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actual Rating: 

Movie Review: Juan of the Dead (TBC) / Director: Alejandro Brugues / Screenplay: Alejandro Brugues / Starring: Alexis Diaz de Villegas, Jorge Molina, Andrea Duro, Andros Perugorria / Release Date: May 4^th

Cuba is not a country that is exactly well known for its cinematic output. Being a socialist republic everything is heavily controlled by the state – including the media. Things have relaxed slightly in regards to the government’s control over art under Raul Castro and thank god because now we have Juan of the Dead, which considering where and when it was made it may well be the ballsiest film ever made. Romero can proclaim social satire in his movies all he likes but until he goes into a country controlled by the government and makes a zombie film critical of that countries’ regime he can just be quiet and stand in the corner.

Considering the location and subject matter, it’s amazing that Juan of the Dead is as kinetic, inventive and entertaining as it is. A zombie outbreak begins in Cuba, the media informs the republic that these are dissidents controlled by the United States even as their guts are being torn out and eaten. In the midst of all this carnage, small time crook Juan (Alexis Diaz de Villegas) with his small band of degenerate friends and neighbours try and avoid getting eaten and start a business called ‘Juan of the Dead’ where they will come round and dispose of your zombified loved ones. As more and more people get infected and the government lose all control, Juan and his friends must face the very real possibility that they will have to leave for the nearest other country, the US.

Writer and Director Alejandro Brugues has the kinetic energy of a young Sam Raimi or perhaps more obviously Edgar Wright. I would say that Brugues’ style is much closer to Shaolin Soccer director Stephen Chow. If Chow directed a zombie film, we would end up with something like Juan of the Dead. Like most classic zombie themed movies, this works on a number of levels. Perhaps most obviously is its social satire and this is the part that is most in your face. The troubles and strife of Cuba and its history are referred to constantly both in the dialogue and visuals. Juan is a fortyish year old man and refers to events such as ‘The Angola Conflict’ and ‘The Special Time’ in Cuba’s history with a look of world weary cynicism before hilariously despatching a zombie. Almost all of the characters live in poverty and engage in small crimes to get by. There are also references to characters not seen in the back story who escaped to the United States leaving heartbreak back in the homeland.

The comedy is especially impressive in this film and much of it comes from the strong character work and of course the zombie kills. You may or may not consider this hyperbole, but I thought that in terms of both the comedy and zombie carnage, Juan of the Dead topped Zombieland and certainly felt like it had more weight than that film. The film has a much wider, more epic scope and also felt more like a live action cartoon which is something that really appeals to me on a personal level. Every time the film gets to a certain level of seriousness, something ridiculous will happen to defuse the situation but it never feels crass or out of place, just a part of a hilarious well constructed whole.

Juan of the Dead is something of a minor miracle. Forget the touchstone title referencing Edgar Wright’s break through movie and enjoy one of the most inventive, funny and thrilling zombie films made in the last ten years. Do not let this one pass you by.

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: A Thousand Kisses Deep (15) / Director: Dana Lustig / Screenplay: Alex Kustanovich, Vladim Moldovan / Starring: Dougray Scott, Jodie Whittaker, David Warner, Amelia Fox / Release Date: June 15^th

Mia (Jodie Whittaker, Attack the Block) witnesses one of the neighbours from her apartment building commit suicide by jumping from a high window in a shower of photos and memories. Realising that she didn’t know the elderly woman at all, Mia makes the decision to take a look around the neighbour’s apartment where she unexpectedly discovers many of her own possessions and photographs – including one of her ex-boyfriend, jazz-playing Ludwig (Dougray Scott). Deeply unsettled by this, she speaks to the building’s caretaker, Max (David Warner) who explains that the lift in the building is, in fact, a time machine. It seems that the death Mia saw was her own. Using the time-traveling lift, she sets upon the task of investigating her own life, with the intention of fixing whatever it is that has gone wrong.

The premise is based around basic psychoanalysis, which is an interesting concept to apply to a time-travel film and creates a good dramatic arc. Mia goes on a voyage back through her life to discover how she could potentially end up as the suicidal old woman. Of course, to fit into the nice neat film plot, this device proves to be far simpler than it would be for anyone in the real world. She discovers that the problem is basically the destructive relationship she has with Ludwig, and sets about trying to find the roots of this one core problem. It does feel that the idea could have been used to create a much more complex tale which looked much deeper into the psyche of Mia, although that would have ended with a much heavier film than A Thousand Kisses Deep.

Most of the film is then taken up by traveling back to different points in her life and discovering how this relationship has damaged her. ‘Current’ Mia still finds it impossible to stand-up to Ludwig, or to resist his charms. This relationship goes from exciting to terrifying and creates some real tension throughout the film.

The performances are great. Jodie Whittaker’s nice-but-vulnerable Mia is the type of character that she excels at, but does feel a little two-dimensional in such an analytical film. The real stand-out is Dougray Scott as Ludwig, and he’ll be getting a great deal of praise for the role. Ludwig is clearly selfish and harmful, but with so much charisma and depth that it is easy to see why Mia would find him so easy to fall for.

The use of music – specifically jazz – works well. It has such a timeless, romantic quality that it underpins what is happening on screen and with the characters. It also helps to fit the film together as we are jumping back and forth through time.

There are a couple of clunkier parts to the story, such as the initial info-dump explaining the time-travel device, but overall director Dana Lustig has a well crafted and at times very unsettling time-travel thriller. A great concept gives some unusual depth to the tired time-travel plot device, but would have benefitted from having more time to explore the character of Mia.

Expected: 6

Actual:

Review: Battleship (12A) / Director: Peter Berg / Screenplay: Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber / Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgard, Liam Neeson, Brooklyn Decker, Rihanna / Release Date: April 11th

Actor turned director Peter Berg has made some solid mid budget films. Amongst them Welcome to the Jungle and Very Bad Things. When word came down the pipe that Berg was directing a film based on the timeless board game Battleship, I kind of hoped for the best. Sadly Berg decided to forget his solid dependable style and channel Michael Bay. For all their faults Transformers and GI Joe are based on toy lines that actually have a mythology and a back story, they have things on which to build a motion picture. This film shoehorns in a couple of references to the game but ultimately Battleship has none of these and boy does it show in the worst film of 2012 so far.

The film begins with the authorities discovering a planet much like Earth in our solar system and sending a radio signal which is represented by a gigantic laser beam fired off into the cosmos. We then meet aimless loser Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) going to absurd lengths to pull the daughter of a US admiral (Liam Neeson) and getting in trouble doing so. His brother Stone Hopper (Alexander Skaarsgard, and yes that’s the character’s name) has had enough and forces younger Hopper to join the US navy. What follows is some of the best recruitment footage the US Navy could have hoped for. The message seems to be that if you join the US navy there is nothing but sun drenched parades, tasty admiral daughters, football games and grunts that look like Rihanna (who is awful by the way). Hopper is an idiot and even he makes lieutenant and you can too! Battleship even includes rock scored montages of the amputees injured in battle that now hang around in Hawaii and look well cool with their prosthetic limbs. The navy fleet go off into the sea on an annual training exercise and Hopper is about to get thrown out due to his irresponsible ways. All that changes when an alien invasion takes place. The aliens decide to launch their attack from the sea, possibly responding to the rude humans who fired a laser at them as a means of first contact. Most of the fleet is wiped out and of course Hopper has to man up and take the alien threat down with his dwindling crew.

Battleship could have been great if it had been scaled back into a sweaty tense movie based on one ship and had actual writers who understood dialogue, motivation and plot. Instead Battleship presents us with a race of aliens with illogical motivations and baffling technology all launched just to provide the audience with endless explosions and special effects. If you thought water and the flu were flimsy methods of defeating aliens, you are in for a real treat with the alien weakness here.

Poor Taylor Kitsch, he tries his best and has a sort of likeable laid back charm but he is saddled with some of the most cringe worthy dialogue ever written. The character is so dumb that he just becomes a bore and all sympathy evaporates. Battleship makes John Carter look like Lawrence of Arabia. Everyone else in the cast just looks either embarrassed or clueless. When the audience laughs more at the dramatic scenes than they did through the whole of 21 Jump Street then you know you are in trouble.

There is a camp turn of events in the final act which beggars belief and is the most hilarious thing I have seen for a while, for this scene alone it’s almost worth seeing. However it’s too insulting to its audience to really rise above the awfulness and be so bad it’s good.

If this makes money, the history books will look back on this as the turning point where it all went wrong for Hollywood. We will finally be rewarded with that Lego and Ker-Plunk movie. Please vote with your feet and do not see this, you and all of us who like film deserve better.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating: