Review Category: Movie

REVIEW: TRANSCENDENCE / CERT: 12A / DIRECTOR: WALLY PFISTER / SCREENPLAY: JACK PAGLEN / STARRING: JOHNNY DEPP, REBECCA HALL, CILLIAN MURPHY, KATE MARA, PAUL BETTANY, MORGAN FREEMAN / RELEASE DATE : APRIL 25TH

Wally Pfister, Christopher Nolan’s cinematographer of choice, steps out from behind… well, whatever it is cinematographers use, to claim his first feature film credit as director. But Transcendence is a troubling and rather ponderous movie which perhaps owes a little too much to Nolan and fatally fails to allow Pfister to really make his mark as a smart and dynamic original filmmaker. Transcendence is packed with brave ideas and solid, if unremarkable, performances but Pfister lacks the subtlety and wit needed to bring the project alive and the movie ends up looking like the work of someone who saw Inception a couple of time but didn’t really get it.

But to be fair, as another summer of superheroes and monster movies looms large, Transcendence is, at least, something new, even if it trades in ideas and concepts which might seem old hat to the technologically savvy, dealing as it does with artificial intelligence, the internet, nanotechnology and pesky computer viruses. Johnny Depp, freed from the chains of Captain Jack Sparrow, plays AI expert Dr Will Caster, boss of a bunch of boffins striving to create a fully free-thinking sentient machine, an event which Will calls ‘transcendence’. Not everyone thinks this is a terribly good idea. Will is shot by anti-AI terrorists and whilst he appears to recover from his injuries the bullet he was shot with contained lethal radioactive material. Before he dies, Will, with the help of his wife Evelyn (Hall), uploads his consciousness into the computer allowing him to survive digitally. Despite the concerns of their chum Max (Bettany), Evelyn and Digi-Will proceed with their plans to connect Will to the Internet (God bless a decent broadband connection) and Will continues with his attempts to achieve ‘transendence’ when Evelyn sets up a massive solar-powered research facility in a run-down desert town. Will creates a new super-advanced form of nanotechnology which has the capacity to alter the very essence of human nature.

Big, if slightly derivative ideas abound but the problem is that Pfister doesn’t really know how to develop them in anything other than the most simplistic and ham-fisted manner. The film’s tone sharp-turns from wagging a disapproving finger at the remorseless, unchecked advance of modern super-technology to gasping in awe at the miracles of science and the short-sightedness of those who stand in the way of progress. As a love story it verges on the creepy as Digi-Will romances an increasingly spaced-out Evelyn and a last-act volte-face to turn it into an action movie (there’s been a lot of talking so far) just requires us to admire snazzy CGI and visual effects tricks Pfister was probably keeping up his sleeve as Nolan was putting the finishing touches to Inception.

Perhaps it’s inexperience that scuppers Transcendence; Pfister’s cause isn’t helped by first-time screenwriter Paglan’s messy script which lacks pace and focus as much as it lacks humour and character. There’s precious little light and shade in any of the characters or their dilemmas; the anti-AI terrorist group led by Kate Mara’s Bree are as blank-page dull as Hall, Bettany and even Depp, reduced to leering omnipotently out from a computer screen for the better part of the movie. But Pfister makes it all look slick, sleek and stylish and even if the film’s moral compass drifts alarmingly and the post-apocalyptic pay-off stretches credulity beyond breaking-point, Transcendence rarely looks less than the sum of its $100 million budget. And whilst Wally makes a decent pfist of it (come on, we were never going to be able to resist that one), Transcendence is just a bit too ambitious for its own good and a bit too scattershot and undisciplined to mark him down as one to watch.

EXPECTED RATING: 7 out of 10

ACTUAL RATING:

REVIEW: MAGIC MAGIC / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: SEBASTIAN SILVA / SCREENPLAY: SEBASTIAN SILVA / STARRING: MICHAEL CERA, EMILY BROWNING, JUNO TEMPLE / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Magic Magic: so good they had to name it twice? Not quite, but there is something strangely special about this psychological head trip into the mind of a seriously disturbed young woman. With hypnosis, herbal healing and paranoid delusions all playing a part, there might not be any narrative tricks up its sleeve but Magic Magic still has a few nasty rabbits to pull out of its hat.

Juno Temple stars as Alicia; after arriving in Chile and meeting her cousin Sarah (Browning), Sarah’s Chilean boyfriend Agustín and his oddball friend Brink (Cera), she starts to slowly unravel as sleepless nights and paranoia begin to take their toll. Alicia is a fragile soul in unfamiliar surroundings (she has never been out of America) who finds herself alone with strangers when Sarah is unexpectedly called back to school. Agustín seems nice but Michael Cera twists his usual innocent persona as strange sadist Brink. When Alicia and her companions travel to a secluded house cut off from civilisation, it gradually emerges that all is not well with Alicia.

The story is relatively simple and offers little in the way of surprises. Don’t expect magic, all out horror or the supernatural. Though there are plenty of hints at a more mysterious plot, Magic Magic remains only a gripping character study of paranoia and mental illness. Temple plays Alicia with a delicate vulnerability that is always on a knife-edge. She is unpredictable and terribly troubled and it is harrowing to watch her descend into madness.

Backing up her performance with edgy cinematography and uncomfortable sound design, director Sebastián De Silva puts you firmly in the mind of Alicia, forcing you to see the world as she does. It’s a vital, unsettling masterstroke that makes Alicia tragic and completely identifiable. The script adds a dash of intrigue by surrounding Alicia with far from perfect and downright destructive personalities. Michael Cera is wonderfully weird as Brink; it is never clear what this wacky, drunken mess is up to. He is a wild card who is occasionally as sinister as he is funny. Meanwhile, Browning’s character has a secret of her own that she is keeping from Alicia.

At times, Magic Magic is genuinely chilling. Though the Chile setting looks inviting, with de Silva capturing some gorgeous scenery and stunning shots of the local wildlife, it’s often filtered with a dark edge. The house is imposing, the mirrors glare back at Alicia and even the lovely local sheepdog becomes a persistent threat to her fragile state of mind. Early on, a car trip turns unbearable when an abandoned puppy becomes a soundtrack of despair. Later, it’s the endless sound of birds that drives Alicia to depression. It is relentless, oppressive and exhausting.

Though it appears that it might have a trick or two in store for the climax, the film’s slightly barmy third act is rushed, strange and unsatisfying in its ultimate crushing inevitability. Michael Cera might add a couple of laughs into the bleakness but Magic Magic casts its real spell with a simply haunting portrayal of mental illness.

EXPECTED RATING: 7 out of 10

ACTUAL RATING:

Last week, Game of Thrones fans across the world screamed with joy as one of the most deplorable characters in the show met an unpleasant end and effectively changed the tide in the war for the Iron Throne. While this week’s episode, “Breaker of Chains” fails to reach the level of excitement that last week’s “The Lion and the Rose” achieved, it sets the stage for something much bigger and leaves viewers drooling for more.  As you might expect, this review contains MAJOR spoilers from the fourth season of Game of Thrones. If you are a believer in the “ignorance is bliss” idea and prefer to wait until you’ve caught up on the first three seasons, stop reading now.

King Joffrey Baratheon (Jack Gleeson) is dead, but the residents of King’s Landing remain understandably indifferent toward his passing. Cersei (Lena Headey) mourns for her fallen son, while her brother Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) attempts to rekindle their incestuous romance. Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) sits in his cell awaiting trial for Joffrey’s murder, convinced that this might be the end for him. Arya (Maisie Williams) and the Hound (Rory McCann) continue to clash, while Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) makes a hasty escape from King’s Landing with Dontos (Tony Way). Her timely departure from the city and its deceitful inhabitants turns out to be the work of Lord Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish (Aidan Gillen), who has Dontos killed. Jon Snow (Kit Harington) clues in his fellow Night’s Watch brothers about the looming Wildling threat as Sam Tarly (John Bradley) escorts his Wildling friend Gilly to safety. Across the world, Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke) continues her journey to Meereen, where she hopes to free the countless slaves there.

Now that we’re three episodes deep in the show’s fourth season, it’s become quite clear that the showrunners are upping the game in every way. The stakes are higher, the death toll is increasing, and the drums of war are beginning to beat. “Breaker of Chains” focuses heavily on the aftermath of Joffrey’s death, a decision that both helps and hinders it. On one hand, the showrunners had to follow up with Tyrion, Cersei, Jaime, and everyone else directly affected by the young king’s demise. On the other hand, though, this focus sucks some of the energy (and time) out of the other character arcs that need and warrant expansion. Since the last half of last week’s episode pretty much discouraged any further nuptials in Westeros, it would have been great to see more of other popular characters, such as Daenerys and Jon Snow. So much time has been spent at King’s Landing that it’s time to see more of Arya, the Hound, and others who have such engaging story lines that need to be explored.

All in all, though, the fourth season of Game of Thrones stuns and entertains at every turn, delivering an entertainment experience that is tough to top. Sure, this week’s episode turns out to be a bit of a letdown in terms of structure and execution, but it still boasts some incredible writing and a handful of gorgeous set pieces. So really, there’s no huge problem here.

Be sure to drop back by next week for our review of the season’s fourth episode, “Oathkeeper.”

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REVIEW: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2 / DIRECTOR: MARC WEBB / SCREENPLAY: ALEX KURTZMAN, ROBERTO ORCI, JEFF PINKNER, JAMES VANDERBILT / STARRING: ANDREW GARFIELD, EMMA STONE, JAMIE FOXX, DANE DEHAAN, PAUL GIAMATTI, SALLY FIELD, CHRIS COOPER, MARTIN SHEEN / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

One thing is abundantly clear from watching The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and its predecessor: Andrew Garfield owns the role. Whether cheekily renaming Jamie Foxx’s aggrieved villain Electro as ‘Sparkles’ or saving a young kid from bullies in an alleyway, Garfield’s charming performance as Peter Parker and his alter-ego has given the audience what could be the definitive Spider-Man.

But all is not well with the sequel. There are times when it verges on Spider-Man 3 messiness. Director Marc Webb has handled Spidey’s personal torment and the rocky romance between Peter and Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone) in winning fashion, without a doubt, but for all the drama, adorable quirky beats and gigantic action set-pieces, the structure of the plotting and accompanying strands is less impressive. And even for a comic book movie, the film is not without its absurdities. Gwen’s eloquent and wise-beyond-her-years Valedictorian speech signposts the third act in unsubtle fashion and her expensive-looking wardrobe clashes with her identity as a working class, daughter of a cop New Yorker. (How can she afford to be decked out in such quality garb?!)

Electro, too, turns out to be a somewhat mediocre Big Bad. Max Dillon is a cross between Travis Bickle and Family Matters’ Steve Urkel. He wants to show the world that he’s important and special, but he’s such a dork. Transformed into Electro, the character is allowed to shed his timid nerd persona and treat the NYC power grid like an all-you-can-eat buffet. Less a major villain in his own right, despite some gnarly powers, he’s more the manipulated instrument of Harry Osborn (Dane DeHaan), a young man trying to stop a genetic mutation from consuming him. The rising star’s portrayal of the rich kid and old pal of Parker’s is another of the film’s few strong points. DeHaan has got the pretty boy looks of a Brad Pitt twinned with the wild energy of a Jack Nicholson. He’s riveting to watch and graced with an edge of unpredictability.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is bookended by scenes with Paul Giamatti’s Rhino. These teasing sequences – along with the introduction of several characters that will go on to form The Sinister Six – highlight exactly what is wrong with the overall picture. The sequel is a bridge to a more expansive adventure but it’s got to slog through – and tie up – loose ends left hanging from the rebooted origin story. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 finds itself both looking forward and looking back. Padded out to an unnecessary 141 minutes maybe – just maybe – the next film will provide the payoff anticipated, but not quite delivered, here.

Review: Rio 2 / Cert: U / Director: Carlos Saldanha / Screenplay: Don Rhymer, Jenny Bicks, Yoni Brenner, Carlos Kotkin / Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Anne Hathaway, Bruno Mars, Leslie Mann, Jemaine Clement / Release Date: Out Now

Back in 2011, Carlos Saldanha’s colourful animated adventure Rio became a surprise hit, generating almost $500 million worldwide. So of course a sequel had to come flapping into cinemas. Rio hardly broke new ground but it was beautifully animated, vibrant, family aimed fun and this sequel is more of the same for fans. Where many sequels either lazily cash in or try to do too much, Saldanha approaches this follow up with an “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach. Rio 2 is by no means a revelation but it is a very enjoyable adventure all the same. Many will expect a film of the same breed as the first and in many ways this is what you get, albeit with some rather unexpected influences.

We catch up with nervy rare Spix’s Macaws Blu (Eisenberg) and his wife Jewel (Hathaway) plus family and friends in Rio de Janeiro. However when their human owners find evidence of more Spix’s Macaws in the Amazon, the blue-feathered family embark on a journey of family, danger and spirit. Rio 2 follows the same blueprint as the first, with numerous musical numbers and parade-like bursts of colourful set-pieces working their way into a rather simple plot. The film borrows heavily from the family film rulebook with the same old judgemental families, charismatic ex-boyfriends and issues of self-belief all being touched upon. This does not aspire beyond the treetops but it does come with environmentalist baggage that reminds (oddly) of Avatar. In fact a few visual touches are almost like feather-clad counterparts of James Cameron’s meta-blockbuster. This is especially the case in the film’s human vs. nature climax, which bears more than a passing resemblance to the battle of Pandora.

This being said, things float gracefully enough along and while some of the script misses the mark, the goodwill is hard to hate. Certain aspects, like the addition of the showy Macaw Roberto (Mars) annoy and there are a few subplots – mainly Rafael (George Lopez), Nico (Jamie Foxx) and Pedro’s (Will.i.am) Amazonian talent scouting – that feel a bit forced. But the characters remain interesting and likeable and the voicework is well cast. As for the villains, ruthless loggers, one of whom has a lollipop fixation and a nasty pet monkey (what’s not to like?), take up main baddie duties but it is the returning Nigel (Clement) who shines (even better than last time too). Even if he is a touch underused.

In the last film Nigel, an evil thespian sulphur-crested cockatoo, was rendered flightless and in this sequel he looks to get revenge. Clement is hilarious, perfecting the seething Shakespearian villainy of the character and the new addition of his poisonous frog sidekick/love interest Gabbi (Kristen Chenoweth) is an excellent move. Nigel steals the movie, offering a far more interesting revenge plot than some of the main family-centric occurrences of the movie. Still, kids will delight at Rio 2 and adults will likely enjoy the breezy inoffensiveness of it all and the film’s well-intentioned message of respecting the natural world. The musical numbers are mostly great fun, aside from the odd strained track, and don’t hamper the overall momentum (the best song is “Poisonous Love”, the ballad-like number between Chenoweth and Clement).

The Rio series, if indeed that is where we are heading, is not the most absorbing, meaningful or impacting animated franchise but it is not unwelcome either. True this sequel dances to many of the same beats but its heart is brimming and when its better qualities shine, the family entertainment is hard to beat (or should that be hard to beak). Sure the film goes all Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa in many senses (for starters, like that film, it isn’t set in its title’s location) but it is a far more solid sequel than that and while not revitalising the formula, Rio 2 is a fun follow-up that is a bit better than expected. Enjoyable, well-animated, humorous fun and Nigel alone makes this worth the watch.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: The Double / Cert: 15 / Director: Richard Ayoade / Screenplay: Richard Oyoade, Avi Korine / Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Mia Wasikowska, Chris O’Dowd, James Fox, Paddy Considine / Release Date: Out Now

Richard Ayoade’s sophomore turn in the director’s chair confirms our suspicions from his first movie, 2011’s quirky coming-of-age comedy/drama Submarine. Ayoade’s just ain’t interested in becoming Britain’s answer to Michael Bay. After all The Double is based on a novella by Dostoyevsky and, unless we’re very much mistaken, Transformers 4 isn’t. But Ayoade, still best known from his role as computer nerd Moss in The IT Crowd, may just, however, become the natural successor to Terry Gilliam (although we’re hoping that Mr G has a few good years and movies left in him yet).

And it’s Gilliam’s magnus opus Brazil that The Double, surely not unintentionally, resembles. Set in some dour, featureless maybe-not-this-reality dystopian hell, The Double stars Jesse Eisenberg as ordinary Joe, Simon James, working unnoticed and unappreciated in a grim, grey Gilliamesque administrative job. Simon is stunned when James Simon turns up for work and he’s a dead ringer (or double, if you will) for Simon but with a brash, outspoken, outgoing personality which is the exact opposite of Simon’s quiet, shy, unassuming demeanour. So unremarkable is Simon that no one seems to notice that he’s suddenly got a charismatic doppelganger. Simon has a crush on cute co-worker Hannah (Wasikowska), but hasn’t got a clue how he should woo her until James offers him some advice in the art of gentle seduction. But James is a faster worker than Simon and soon not only is Hannah slipping away from Simon’s grasp, so is his grip on reality…

Ayoade battles manfully against his doubtlessly tiny budget to create a stifling, uncomfortably grey world which, despite its resemblance to similar dystopias in other, frankly better films, still manages to convince in its depiction of an unsettling, disorientating environment populated by slightly not-right characters. Eisenberg makes for a compelling and wide-eyed, if sometimes slightly irritating, leading man but the film’s best moments are those which amplify its themes of paranoia and creeping madness by presenting welcome if all too-brief cameos from the likes of Tim Key, the brilliant maverick comic genius Chris Morris and Ayoade’s old IT Crowd sparring partner Chris O’Dowd as well as virtually the entire cast of Submarine. Eventually, spotting the film’s influences, whether it’s Gilliam or Lynch’s Eraserhead amongst others, is rather more satisfying than the film’s inevitably ambiguous ‘is this real or isn’t it?’ storyline and The Double suffers because it can’t decide whether it wants to be an art house thriller or a mainstream mystery. But Ayoade keeps it all moving at a decent clip, it’s impressively atmospheric and, in the end, it’s the product of a promising director whose work can only get better and, hopefully, more strikingly individual.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Starburst Rating:

REVIEW: THE LAST DAYS ON MARS / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: RUAIRI ROBINSON / SCREENPLAY: CLIVE DAWSON / STARRING: LIVE SCHREIBER, ELIAS KOTEAS, ROMOLA GARAI, OLIVIA WILLIAMS / RELEASE DATE: APRIL 11TH

This feature film debut from Ruari Robinson centres on the first manned mission to Mars. We find ourselves on the Tantalus Base, headed up by Commander Brunel (Koteas), as the crew are getting ready to depart the red planet. That is, until a strange discovery is made. When scientist Marko (Goran Kostic) decides to leave the ship to investigate a potential living organism, things take a turn for the dark and sinister. As tragedy strikes, the rest of the crew, with Schreiber’s Campbell at the fore, attempt a recovery mission. With other members of the crew experiencing their own traumas, it appears that this initial discovery is a lot more troubling than first perceived. So much so, the affected crew members seem to turn into some sort of zombie.

A unique premise, there is a lot of plus points about The Last Days on Mars. Schreiber, an actor that often divides opinion, does well as the lead of the film, and Olivia Williams and Elias Koteas also shine. That said, it’s always good to see Koteas in anything! The zombie spin offers something different, and it generally works. Quite what the origins of the organism/infection are and how it comes to spread is a little hazy at times, but that never feels a massively major concern here. And on the zombie front, these aren’t your standard plodding walker-types, these are actually smart, aggressive zombies.

At times, The Last Days on Mars feels like a throwback to classic sci-fi suspense horror of decades gone by. And that’s where the movie’s strengths lie: in its build and its crawling tension teases. Sure, the conviction is occasionally flawed, but the film is by no means a waste of your time. Pulling from such films as Alien, Apollo 18, Prometheus and John Carpenter’s The Thing (and even videogames like the Dead Space series),Last Days on Mars makes for a solid, impressive watch with a few choice thrills, even if it never really makes any major steps towards maximising its potential. That said, Robinson shows a lot of promise as a filmmaker, the central roles are delivered strongly, and there’s some good scares tied to a novel premise, not to mention a tension-heavy score that adds superbly to the overall atmosphere and tone of the film.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:

REVIEW: DIVERGENT / CERT: 12A / DIRECTOR: NEIL BURGER / SCREENPLAY: EVAN DAUGHERTY, VANESSA TAYLOR / STARRING: SHAILENE WOODLEY, THEO JAMES, ASHLEY JUDD, JAI COURTNEY, RAY STEVENSON, ZOË KRAVITZ, MILES TELLER, TONY GOLDWYN, MAGGIE Q, KATE WINSLET / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Within the last ten years or so, the number of movies based on books has grown exponentially. Blockbuster franchises like Harry Potter, Twilight and The Hunger Games proved with each successive installment that YA fiction is ridiculously lucrative, causing various studios to jump on the bandwagon and attempt to replicate past successes. Unfortunately, the latest example of this, Divergent, fails to reach Hunger Games status in both success and quality, resulting in a franchise that might be over before it even really starts.

Based on Veronica Roth’s runaway bestseller, Divergent centres around Beatrice Prior, a young girl struggling to define herself in a war torn, dystopian world. Following a devastating conflict that wiped out most of the planet, Chicago is divided into five groups, or “factions,” that separate people based on particular qualities or personalities. Beatrice, or “Tris” as she rechristened herself, comes from Abnegation, a faction that prides itself on selflessness and rejection of vanity. During her aptitude test, Beatrice discovers that she is Divergent, meaning that she doesn’t belong in any faction. Divergents are considered a threat by the government and are swiftly executed. Given this, Tris keeps her identity a secret, falling in with Dauntless, the brave faction. Her rigorous training thrusts her into a world of discipline and cruelty, a world that initially appalls her. But when Tris uncovers a horrifying plot by the government to essentially massacre civilians, she must embrace her destiny as a Divergent and stop this heinous crime.

While the film contains some pretty formidable star power, it uses little of it. Shailene Woodley leads a cast that includes Kate Winslet, Miles Teller, Jai Courtney, Theo James, and others, but none of them turn in performances we know they are capable of. The blame can be split two ways. On one hand, director Neil Burger (Limitless) busies himself with building a bleak dystopian society while at the same time pushing aside the story and characters that actually make that society interesting. On the other hand, the actors appear bored, tired, and dull, as if a hazy stupor took hold of them and suppressed any kind of creative expression. Viewers are likely to share the actors’ lethargy, because instead of receiving that exhilarating boost of adrenaline that usually accompanies a good ending, they feel sapped.

Though Burger’s misguided direction leaves much to be desired, it does paint a vivid picture of the world Tris is forced to live in. Chicago is brilliantly re-imagined as a derelict city still on the mend from a war that happened decades before. It’s just a shame we don’t see the same level of care applied to every aspect of the movie; world-building doesn’t matter if no one cares about the people in it.

Divergent is by no means a good movie, but it does raise some interesting questions and plant the seeds for some very intriguing character dynamics down the line. We just wish some of that had been included here.

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating:

REVIEW: THE LEGEND OF HERCULES / CERT: 12A / DIRECTOR: RENNY HARLIN / SCREENPLAY: DANIEL GIAT, GIULIO STEVE, RENNY HARLIN, SEAN HOOD / STARRING: KELLEN LUTZ, GAIA WEISS, SCOTT ADKINS, ROXANNE MCKEE, LIAM GARRIGAN / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Some films just have to be seen on the big screen. They are made for the experience of movie-going; the scent of popcorn wafting through the auditorium, the speakers thumping against the walls, the hushed tones of anticipation that fill the stadium with that palpable sense of excitement.

And some films are best enjoyed in the comfort of your own home. With you and your closest friends snuggled around the screen, enacting your own pace, laughing without regard and providing your own commentary.

And then there are some films that should just not be viewed in any capacity.

The Legend of Hercules is one of those films.

Director Renny Harlin seems to have bought into the prevailing theory that he cannot direct himself out of an IKEA – which is a shame since Die Hard 2 and The Long Kiss Goodnight are both quality action romps. Harlin now seems adamant to wipe out any good graces the former allowed him with his vision for Hercules, which is perhaps the perfect storm of bad movies.

Getting past the fact that the film offers absolutely nothing new in terms of artistic or technical achievement, it commits the cardinal sin of muddying its allegories, painting Hercules as both a vigilante and a Christ-like redeemer.

After a fairly guttural opening, which introduces the audience in a sweeping manner to the ransacking of Argos, it takes an absolutely spectacular nosedive. The depiction of the Virgin Birth aside, which is hilarious if you’ve ever wondered how Joseph would have reacted walking in on Mary being pleasured in the bedroom by a faceless entity, the film’s first act plods along for what seems like hours. The battle with the Nemean Lion, which in the mythology is the First Labour of Hercules, is casually tossed into a rather confusing set-piece – though you could be forgiven for asking why Hercules is wrestling a ginormous Furby.

And so the film wanders aimlessly from point to point for a distressingly long time. Much like the years following the release of The Matrix, where every other tent pole summer film had a not-so-great bullet time sequence, The Legend of Hercules seems intent on ransacking anything remotely original that has come before it.

Kellen Lutz leads the way as the Grecian Demigod, and proves himself capable of being immortalised in a Twilight standee and not much else. He attempts to channel Russell Crowe, much like the whole films does, but it unfortunately has a lot more in common with Showtime’s Spartacus than it does with anything remotely professional.

You could be forgiven for thinking that The Legend of Hercules might be a fun, throwaway piece of entertainment. But you’d be wrong. Not only does the film last around 45 minutes (once you remove the insanely decadent amount of slow-mo), it makes the unforgiveable error of employing a creative team without a lick of a creative voice.

Then again, if you didn’t get enough nipple action from 300: Rise of an Empire, or have recently suffered some sort of brain injury, then this might just be the movie for you.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Noah / Cert: 12A / Director: Darren Aronofsky / Screenplay: Darren Aronofsky, Ari Handel / Starring: Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Ray Winstone, Emma Watson, Logan Lerman, Douglas Booth, Nick Nolte, Frank Langella / Release Date: April 7th

Maths, drugs, wrestling, ballet, a millennium of love and death and now a biblical tale: Darren Aronofsky picks a wide variety of subjects for his films, but one thing always present is a breakdown of the human psyche. So,a man chosen by God (or rather, ‘The Creator’ – to the annoyance of many Christians) to build a giant ark to save creation should fit right in.

In an ambiguous time period, Noah (Crowe), his wife Naameh (Connelly) and their sons are living in isolation. Mankind is corrupt and sinful and led by the ruthless King Tubal-Cain (Winstone), who murdered Noah’s father. Noah starts to witness miracles and visions that prompt him to take his family to visit his grandfather Methuselah (Hopkins), a wise old man who also provides some comic relief. On the way they adopt an orphaned, barren girl called Ila (Watson) who they raise as their own. Shortly afterwards they’re also chased by Tubal-Cain’s men, who retreat when they enter the land of The Watchers (Nolte and Langella amongst others), fallen angels turned into monstrous rock-like creatures (think The NeverEnding Story).

With the help of Methuselah and The Watchers, Noah starts to build the ark. So far no one’s seemed against it, and the years pass. His children grow up in the best tree house ever and Ila and one of Noah’s sons, Shem (Booth) become an item, keeping it in the family. The animals arrive and a ‘how will they?’ question is answered straight away. Inevitably the flood and Tubal-Cain and his cannibalistic men arrive, and you suddenly have a hell on Earth that Bosch would be proud of.

This is the best part of the movie – when it is filled with action and lives up to its ambition after much slow burning. But this is an Aronofsky film and it’s not just about a man and his ark. Noah’s sons need wives, especially second eldest Ham (Lerman) who’s feeling a bit lonely. Here enter the subplots that keep the film going, for a bit too long unfortunately. How can the sons have wives if there are no good people left? Doesn’t the Creator (and therefore Noah) want mankind to die? And what if Ila isn’t barren after all? What are the odds of Tubal-Cain getting on that ark? Bet now…

Noah is ambitious but goes on for too long and overcomplicates itself. What could have had a classic simplicity is expanded too much, especially after a promising start. The film seems scared of being too religious or secular, old or modern, and sits somewhere awkwardly in-between. Some special effects work (the flood and battle sequence), some don’t (the ‘tweaked’ animals), and Ray Winstone steals the film playing Ray Winstone. Awkward subjects like incest (and, more importantly, who’s going to clean up all that animal poop?!) are glossed over, focusing more on the turmoil of a man who has to make impossible choices.

An interesting watch, but not quite the epic it could have been.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actual Rating: