Throughout the years, we have been treated to many video game-to-film monstrosities from Super Mario Bros. to Doom, from DOA: Dead or Alive to Hitman: Agent 47, and of course, the absolute abomination of them all in Uwe Boll’s significant masterpiece Bloodrayne. There have been a handful of mildly enjoyable ones though with Mortal Kombat and Warcraft: The Beginning, and guilty pleasures like Street Fighter and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. However, everyone was hopeful for Assassin’s Creed, and it’s no surprising considering the talent involved. It’s the same team that brought us the damn impressive Macbeth in 2015 with director Justin Kurzel returning to helm, as well as stars Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard. What can possibly go wrong? Well, pretty much everything really.

In truth, Assassin’s Creed is a joyless experience and a convoluted, confusing and frustrating watch on top of that. Like the games, the film flashes back and forth between ancient times at the height of the Spanish Inquisition and the present day with the Abstergo Foundation, however, the film does it much more frequently than in the games, which would make it infuriating for audiences watching it for the first time. You are not allowed any time to soak in the feel and atmosphere of the past because the intercutting between the two time periods constantly interrupts the flow of the movie. As a result, this ruins the action sequences due to the choppy editing, as well as the annoying shaky cam that’s on display.

Also, because you spend so little in the past, you fail to connect with any of the characters in that period, so there’s limited emotional engagement with the Assassin Brotherhood and the two assassins in Aguilar de Nerha and Maria. Actually, you could pretty much cut out all the scenes set in Spanish Inquisition and it wouldn’t affect the movie whatsoever. This was also a pretty lacklustre attempt at capturing the story, tone, and feel of the games, as nothing is really explained in great detail. For example, they continually addressed the Apple of Eden over and over again, yet they never feel the need to explain its full significance. In fact, the story plays out almost like a Dan Brown story more than anything else (yikes!) with a lot of unintentional hilarity, confusion, and plot holes afoot.

Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, and Jeremy Irons all try their best to inject some life into this movie, but the movie completely wastes their talents as the story gives them nothing to work with, and as a result, you don’t care about their characters and just come off as generic cardboard cutouts. Plus, the movie is surprisingly bloodless considering the games were made for an adult audience and the fact that Kurzel’s Macbeth was a visceral and raw experience. Whether he just not put in the work or was prevented from going the extra mile by studio executives remains to be seen, but what we got is a film that’s oddly toothless as a result.

It looks pretty to look at, some of the action is cool, and the actors try their best, but what we have is a jumbled, confused, uninvolving splat that lacks in the areas of plot, character development, editing and pacing, and spending far too much time within a certain time period that wasn’t engaging to begin with. This is a real damn shame because the Assassin’s Creed video game franchise is a damn impressive one (mostly), and it deserved a great movie, so the potential was there. It’s just a travesty that his was the best that they could do, so for now, it’s probably best to stick with the games themselves.

ASSASSIN’S CREED / CERT: 12A / DIRECTOR: JUSTIN KURZEL / SCREENPLAY: MICHAEL LESSLIE, ADAM COOPER, BILL COLLAGE / STARRING: MICHAEL FASSBENDER, MARION COTILLARD, JEREMY IRONS, BRENDAN GLEESON, CHARLOTTE RAMPLING / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10
Actual Rating:

A group of ragtag misfits that include a thug, pickpocket, tailor and a handywoman led by humble head porter for the railroad, Ma Yuan (Jackie Chan) whose in love with the local pancake seller, Auntie Qin, hijack a train in order to blow up a bridge that’s a crucial supply route for the Japanese during the 1941 occupation of China.

Not content with stealing from the occupational military and their food supplies to feed their starving village, they decide to rob a moving train that’s ripe for picking, and this is also where we see the Robin Hood-esque villagers who are introduced with title cards so that we get to know them right away as they’re robbing the Japanese soldiers.

When Daguo, a wounded Chinese soldier, appears and is taken into hiding by Yuan (Darren Wang), explaining that he and his platoon tried to blow up the supply bridge but failed and he was soon discovered and shot by Japanese soldiers, Yuan decides that he best get his band of outlaws together, steal a Japanese military train and complete the mission.

There’s lots of action and Jackie is in full form. Though he doesn’t do as many stunts as he used to (though he’s still going strong at 60), there’s plenty of outrageous moments to go around. Jackie’s son, Jaycee Chan, turns in a solid performance as well as the other featured actors. The slapstick, comedic elements are spot on as the group of misfits embark on a race against time to get to the bridge to blow it up.

Ding Sheng (who directed Jackie in two previous movies; Police Story 2013 and Little Big Soldier) pays tribute to the train robberies of Hollywood Westerns as he does a great job keeping the film moving at a solid pace with the combined, breathtaking cinematography

Lots of fun, lots of action and comedy, Railroad Tigers is a treat.

RAILROAD TIGERS / CERT: 12A / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: DING SHENG / STARRING: JACKIE CHAN, JAYCEE CHAN, ZITAO HUANG, DARREN WANG, KAI WANG / RELEASE DATE: JANUARY 6TH

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:
 

A trio of friends head off for a drunken weekend at an empty seafront apartment complex, but after becoming stranded by a malfunctioning lift and locked stair doors and with no way to summon help, tensions quickly begin to rise.

When watching smaller films, and independent horror films in particular, you want to give them a little leeway when they’ve clearly been made with limited resources. However, the filmmakers need to meet you at least halfway, and actually provide something worth the effort of forgiving their poor production values. The Snare, unfortunately, doesn’t. It tries to create and maintain an atmosphere of pervading tension, but through its unrealised premise, uneventful plot and simple lack of any real story, it utterly fails to hold your attention.

Central character Alice endures a few weird dreams that look like cut footage from a goth rock music video, but as there is no apparent association between their surreal events and the scenes they punctuate, they remain as meaningless as pretty much everything else that takes place. The film begins with some unspoken insinuations that Alice’s dad uses her as an incestuous surrogate for her presumably dead mother, but these are developed no further than the uncomfortable initial scene and have no bearing on the rest of the story. The only concession to character introspection is the nihilistic pronouncements she periodically scrawls in her diary that – guess what? – don’t mean anything.

Ominous music is applied to innocuous camera shots in an attempt to infuse them with menace, but the disparity between what it suggests you should be feeling and what you are only emphasises that nothing at all is actually happening. It’s also difficult to get a read on how much time is supposed to have passed between scenes, especially as relationships descend from mild irritation to blazing fury one scene to the next.

It’s a bizarre situation for a film to have a story that’s simultaneously straightforward yet confusing; the intended ambiguity over whether some supernatural force is at work fails to convince, while the only memorable events are some unpleasant set-pieces that are more spiteful than disturbing. It’s an ambitious enough attempt look at deteriorating sanity and the extremes to which people can descend when trapped together in a confined space, but there’s not enough connection between what the film is trying to say and what it actually shows. It does, admittedly, have a couple of good jump scares, but that’s not nearly enough when it’s all a film has to recommend it.

THE SNARE / CERT: TBC / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: C.A. COOPER / STARRING: EAOIFA FORWARD, DAN PATON, RACHEL WARREN / RELEASE DATE: JANUARY  6TH (US)

Once featured on The Black List’s best unproduced screenplays (originally to be made with Keanu Reeves and Reese Witherspoon), Jon Spaihts’ Passengers is a film about the troubles of isolation, solitude and the moral arguments of self-sacrifice, all glossed over thanks to high production values and handsome leads in both Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence. This, in some ways, is some indication as to what lies at the heart of the film’s problems, being the classic case of all style but no substance. Granted, the ideas are present, but Passengers never follows through on those concepts, and what we have is a film that is solid and entertaining enough, if somewhat lacking in edge and depth.

While the movie gets off to an impressive start, the story slowly falls apart progressively after that, and a lot of the major, crucial events that end up transpiring, as well as the reasons that are given, end up feeling far too convenient as a result. Laurence Fishburne’s character, for example, is only included just to be a glorified deus ex machina. There are multiple contrivances and occasional plot holes scattered throughout, which all culminates in an overblown final act that feels the need to trump both Gravity, Interstellar, and The Martian’s big finales in terms of size and scale, and the so-called ‘happy ending’ is just dire. Apparently, Spaihts’ original ending was to have been a lot darker and more mature than what we got on screen, which makes this new ending feeling very obvious and forced in execution. Also, on a minor note: why the hell was Andy Garcia in this movie for a fleeting, non-speaking cameo?!

With many issues plaguing the film, there is still enjoyment to be found in the film. The visual design of this movie is impressive; the design of the interiors and exterior of the Avalon spaceship is truly remarkable and unique in design and execution. Plus, some of these sets prove to be crucial to some impressive sequences, particularly the inventive swimming sequence within zero gravity. To add to that, Rodrigo Prieto’s cinematography is simply stunning and Thomas Newman’s score is inspiring and inventive.

But, the main selling point of this movie is the romantic duo of Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence, and together they do the best with what’s given to them, even if it’s not really enough. Pratt manages to pull of the average guy shtick convincingly well, making us buy into his inner struggles, desires,and demons, whilst still maintaining his trademark likeability factor. Despite receiving top-billing, Lawrence gets less screen time than Pratt, yet she still manages to give off a solid, emotionally-investing performance that almost makes us forgive her for her phoned-in turn in X-Men Apocalypse. Together, the chemistry is strong, yet it’s Michael Sheen that almost steals the show right from under their noses as the suave and cool, yet optimistic and delightful robot bartender of the ship. 

Overall, while Passengers isn’t a bad movie in any way, there are teething problems that prevent it from being the legendary and epic sci-fi romance it could’ve been. Whether those problems lay with Jon Spaihts, director Morten Tyldum, or the exec-suits at Sony remains to be seen, but what we have is a gorgeously shot, brilliantly acted, extremely ambitious movie that only ends up being nothing more than just okay. There is fun to be found, but when is all said and done, the eyes may be sated, but the brain’s still craving.

PASSENGERS / CERT: 12A / DIRECTOR: MORTEN TYLDUM / SCREENPLAY: JON SPAIHTS / STARRING: JENNIFER LAWRENCE, CHRIS PRATT, MICHAEL SHEEN, LAURENCE FISHBURNE / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Expected Rating: 9 out of 10
Actual Rating: 
 

What makes the best comedies so memorable is the ability to highlight the very best in people despite the difficulties life and its complexities throws at them, as well as showing a certain touching hysterical sense of irony in the joys and tragedies of life. The Edge of Seventeen is about all those elements, yet is so much more. Like with Juno and The Breakfast Club, this is a film that will leave you laughing and crying thanks to its genuine sense of heart, humour, wit and pathos. First-time writer and director Kelly Fremon Craig has masterfully crafted a film that explores the trials and tribulations of going through life as a teenager, as well as delving into the reckoning of one’s self.

The central character of Nadine has lost her dad, feels disconnected from her overbearing mother and ‘perfect’ brother, yet still has an anchor in her best friend Krista, but when Nadine finds out she’s dating her brother, she pushes everyone away from herself and starts to feel more and more isolated. Her only moral support is her teacher Mr Brunner, and there’s the inkling of a bond between her and the lovable dork in Erwin. This is the kind of film that shows how being an outsider makes you more of a special person, rather than desperately trying to be the ‘perfect’ child. Deep down, the film has a deep and powerful message, which is that even though you feel alienated, alone and without many friends, and that life can occasionally suck, you are still a special, unique person who is much stronger than you think you know. Plus, this shows that even the most ‘perfect’ person feels miserable and afraid sometimes, so it’s important not to judge a book by its cover.

Ever since her phenomenal debut in True Grit, rising star Hailee Steinfeld has been floundering between good (Ten Thousand Saints, Pitch Perfect 2) and bad (Barely Lethal, Romeo and Juliet) projects, but in this film, she delivers her best performance to date, as well as one of the year’s best. Steinfeld carries the film by being funny, vulnerable, fearless and raw, whilst also having a radiant presence about her that makes it impossible to take your eyes off her. Even when she says the crudest of things, Nadine is someone you instantly root for, and that’s down to Craig and Steinfeld who both compassionately walk that fine line with some real inspired humour. There’s also solid support thanks to the likes of Haley Lu Richardson and Kyra Sedgwick, but it’s Woody Harrelson who immediately shines as he delivers the right balance of cynical and generous.

Overall, The Edge of Seventeen is one of the best films to be released this year, standing alongside other gems like La La Land and Captain America: Civil War. This is the kind of film that leaves you laughing and crying in equal measure, whilst also managing to be heart-warming, charming, and life-affirming. It is a film that has great performances throughout, especially in lead Hailee Steinfeld whose portrayal of Nadine is accolades-worthy. But, it’s also thanks to Kelly Fremon Craig for creating what is a true gem of a movie that has the hallmarks of a bonafide cult classic, which proves that she’s truly a talent to watch out for.

THE EDGE OF SEVENTEEN / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: KELLY FREMON CRAIG / STARRING: HAILEE STEINFELD, HALEY LU RICHARDSON, BLAKE JENNER, KYRA SEDGWICK, WOODY HARRELSON / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10
Actual Rating:
 

After making Marvel magic with Civil War, shattering expectations with The Jungle Book, delivering an animated classic with Zootropolis and awaiting a Star Wars shaped send off to 2016, this really has been a dream year for Disney.  Already reaching $5 Billion at record speed – and that is before Rogue One – the house of mouse truly is still the king of the castle. So with this said, and with a streak of consistently exceptional movies, does the 56th film in the Walt Disney Animation Studios output continue this winning trend of barnstorming pictures? Yes, it absolutely does.

This Polynesian adventure sees young girl Moana (Auli’i Cravalho), aspire to go out across the oceans from an early age, despite the warnings of those in her tribe (her beloved grandmother (Rachel House) aside) but one day, as a toddler, the ocean chose Moana for a very special quest, that would see her deliver a relic to an island goddess, with the help of a Demigod called Maui (Dwayne Johnson). Now, years later, Moana is called back to that quest, which will see her strength and her heart well and truly tested. Moana is another enjoyable adventure that feels like a seaboard Pocahontas blended with Hercules (especially in how the film uses real mythology – in this case Polynesian – and disneyfies it) and The Emperor’s New Groove, with moments of spellbinding sea faring splendour akin to Ang Lee’s The Life Of Pi.

The story is a thoroughly enjoyable one that may lack the emotive grasp of Disney’s best work (not to say it is absent of poignancy) but has a very spiritual feeling to it, offering a sweeping journey of destiny, that asks you to follow your soul’s direction. The film is preceded by a very enjoyable short film, Inner Workings, which centres on the battle between head or heart and living life to the full, and in many ways that ethos does apply here, as the film is about a girl leaving her comfort zone to follow who she really is inside. From the opening moments of the film, the cultural setting is engrained in this narrative and Moana really is a brilliant journey to be taken on. Yes, in many ways it is traditional Disney (even a gag is made about the token princess w/ animal sidekick), with a (occasionally scene stealing) chicken sidekick and a “listen to your heart” core but this tradition meshes with a change of pace setting and themes of environmentalism (the sea is an actual character) and gender liberation (Moana is set to be the next leader of her tribe and is not so much interested in finding a partner as she is the world).

There is a lack of a real villain (instead the antagonist of this film is really nature thrown out of balance by a well meaning individual) aside from Jemaine Clement’s colossal gold-loving crab Tamatoa, who does feel like he scurried in from the world of The Little Mermaid (something not unnoticed by the filmmakers – refer to post-credits scene). However it is all a joyous burst of fun that boasts imagination in the set pieces, even as the story rushes a few elements (Maui’s backstory) and makes a convenience out of others (the sea is Moana’s friend but only helps at certain points). Kids will adore certain aspects like the aforementioned battle with the singing self-centred crustacean, while adults too will also be swept away by the visuals, which really are the film’s greatest achievement. The animation is among the best ever created by the studio and certain sequences absolutely floor you with their beauty, colour and majestic power. From the sand grains to the anthropomorphic sea (that recalls The Magic Carpet in Aladdin), this is animation as masterful as it is wonderful. The songs are fantastic, with Cravalho surely destined to gain Oscar attention with “How Far I’ll Go” and Dwayne “ The Rock” Johnson showcasing his range, with a great song called “You’re Welcome”. Then there is the soulful scoring by Mark Mancina, which only adds to the proud cultural identity of this film, accomplished through thorough research and passion.

Moana is a gorgeous offering by Disney that uses the magnificence of our planet to tell a simple but effective girl meets demigod sea-set story. And to that point Moana herself is a brimming core to the film and well supported by the initially full of himself but ultimately lovable lug Maui. Not to mention some fine supporting characters like Gramma Tala and Heihei (Alan Tudyk) – the intellectually challenged Rooster that accompanies our heroes on their journey. The voice work is enthused with Cravalho and Johnson striking up a brilliant chemistry and the characters being well placed in this fast moving and fun adventure. This movie may not manage the depth or shocks of other Disney classics, the end result is never in question, but it brings so many inspired ideas to enjoy along the way, including almost Mad Max-like mad coconut pirates the Kakamora, a piglet best friend and a character with a living tattoo as his BFF, as well as some sly Disney and pop culture references.

Moana is unspeakably lovely to look at and very entertaining to watch, Disney continue to be at the top of their game.

MOANA / CERT: PG / DIRECTORS: RON CLEMENTS, JOHN MUSKER  / SCREENPLAY: JARED BUSH / STARRING: AULI’I CRAVALHO, DWAYNE JOHNSON, RACHEL HOUSE, TEMUERA MORRISON / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Expected Rating: 8/10

Actual Rating:

Written and directed by John Williams, The Slayers follows two cultists, Nigel and Job.  According to their leader, in two weeks’ time, God will end all of the sins on Earth. Fortunately for Nigel and Job, the cult are destined to serve at the right hand of the Lord. Whilst that’s all fine and dandy the duo figure that their last two weeks on Earth should involve them checking off all of the things they wanted to get round to, rather than the ritual suicide the leader has planned.

Instead, packing up a crappy mini bus, Nigel and Job head off on a road trip to Scotland planning on a bucket list fortnight of fun, and if at all possible, meeting and touching a girl (two separate items on the list…). They blag a bank loan, stop off in Blackpool, and irritate pretty much everyone they come across.  But they also want to do some good in their final days. They’re in luck, because along the way the boys end up falling in with some strange characters who say they’re vampire hunters.  Interpreting it as a test from God they decide to help out. Oh, it’s worth mentioning that Nigel and Job really are idiots. Kinda well meaning, but idiots they certainly be.

It’s very, very silly stuff for much of the running time, it definitely won’t be to everyone’s taste, and as a horror, it’s never scary. The humour is broad, with some scenes coming on more sketch show than a feature film, and the acting is sometimes rough around the edges, with an occasional ensuing awkwardness.

Considering it was made on the brutal cheap, though, there’s a lot to like in The Slayers. Darren McAree and Matthew Sandland manage to make Nigel and Job on the likeable enough side given that their stupidity could be annoying. Williams has ambitions and doesn’t let his budget get in the way of a subtle effect or two, and he’s generally clever enough to be sparing with them so they don’t distract. Rural Scotland is a natural film set and there’s good use of the locations throughout, helping to give this scrappy, low-budget flick a feel of bigger scale.

The gags are often pretty cheesy but the cast sell it with such charm and enthusiasm you can’t help but let out a chuckle (the Scottish pub name reminding us of a sight gag in The League of Gentlemen). Williams and his cast and crew set out to make a good-natured, goofy, gory horror comedy and that they, for the most part, achieved it is heartening. Take it for what it’s intended to be and it’s a good time.

It’s easier to support our homegrown talent when they produce something confident like The Slayers. Hopefully, Williams will be able to build on what he has managed here and it’ll be interesting to find out what’s next for him.

THE SLAYERS / CERT: TBC / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: JOHN WILLIAMS / STARRING: DARREN MCAREE, MATTHEW SANDLAND, GEORGE NEWTON / RELEASE DATE: TBC

 

When it comes to cinema, it is always good to see a film that either blows away expectations or shows you something that is truly breathtaking or original. There are many times over the century plus history of this marvellous medium, that this has happened and those works of art that have accomplished this have gone on to live forever. Well, after enjoying some great reviews for his unsettling Prisoners and pulse quickening Sicario, director Denis Villeneuve aims to do just that next year with a sequel to a film that does exactly what we have just suggested, in Ridley Scott’s influential Sci-Fi masterpiece Blade Runner. However before Villeneuve helms Blade Runner 2049, he brings us this Sci-Fi offering, based on “Story Of Your Life”, the short story by Ted Chiang but is this as good as some have suggested or is it a worrying misfire before this auteur heads to a dystopic LA?

Alarm sets in as twelve unidentified large spacecraft appear at random positions across the earth, in an attempt to communicate with these beings and discover their intentions, the US military contacts talented language expert Louise (Amy Adams) and pairs her with theoretical physicist Ian Donnelly (Jeremy Renner), as these two minds lead a mission to discover these aliens’ intentions and in the process calm the brewing panic of the human race. As Bradford Young’s engrossing mist strewn cinematography and dark interiors recall Ridley Scott’s Prometheus (appropriately), this film in many ways reminds of the more subtle and human touch of Gareth Edwards’ Monsters as well as the aspiration of the films of Christopher Nolan. Arrival is not only worthy of the hype that surrounds it but it is an engaging, intelligent and impressive accomplishment.

Eschewing the memory of his work on the dreadful A Nightmare on Elm Street remake, Eric Heisserer’s screenplay for this feature is ambitious, thoughtful, deep and almost alarmingly timely. As the unpredictable and incredible narrative unfolds, this initial alien picture (which some have compared to Contact) comes to shock and twist your perceptions, with a narrative that never shakes the connection, while not holding back on being a thrilling piece of entertainment in its own right. Arrival is a proper Science Fiction film that rewards fans of intelligent storytelling which, in this case, tackles some felicitous themes of humanity segregated by fear and paranoia, closed mindedness of those in power, media driven moral panic and the worth of life and language. This is a film that makes advanced linguistics exciting for goodness sakes! And when its twists and turns do set in in the third act (which – similar to the last act of Interstellar – may be an acquired taste to some), you will more likely than not find yourself thirsty to re-visit Arrival at your earliest convenience, to dive back in and discover the deeper depths of this story.

This is aesthetically transportive, thanks in part to the aforementioned visuals and a score by Jóhann Jóhannsson which is chill inducing at points and meshes equally well with the poignant moments of the narrative, as well as the contemplative and mysterious vibes. Backing this audio visual impact and compelling plot is a cast of characters that are interesting and most importantly of all connective with the feelings of the audience. Amy Adams is absolutely excellent as Louise and if she does not earn herself an Oscar nomination at the very least for her leading performance, then frankly the Academy deserves to be vaporised by aliens. Her character may be the heart and soul of the film but she is well paired with a brilliant Jeremy Renner and Forest Whitaker is most welcome as Colonel GT Weber, a military man bound by duty but with a more open mind not often seen in this kind of character onscreen.

As the world undergoes some angry changes and segregations widen, a film like Arrival feels scarily appropriate, and leaves you feeling awed and a little humbled. We cannot say to you that you will love this movie, after all, we all like our Sci-Fi in different shapes, sizes and doses but we can safely say that a film this rich and rewarding deserves to labelled a modern day classic in the genre and for that matter cinema as a whole. This is a movie that benefits from patience, focus and understanding – much like its central visitors – and in one fell swoop, Villeneuve shows that he gets it. This writer for a  while has questioned the need to return to Blade Runner but after seeing Arrival, consider his mind changed, Villeneuve can nail it. Works like this are why we love going to the movies. Captivating.

ARRIVAL / CERT: 12A / DIRECTOR: DENIS VILLENEUVE / SCREENPLAY: ERIC HEISSERER / STARRING: AMY ADAMS, JEREMY RENNER, FOREST WHITAKER, MICHAEL STUHLBARG  / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Expected Rating: 9/10

Actual Rating:

‘The one with the vampire girl’ may not be the best of the short stories from the V/H/S series, but it is the most memorable. Amateur Night (the one with the vampire girl) was the original V/H/S’s crowning glory; blessed with a truly unsettling monster and a final shock which showed that the sky was literally the limit for this franchise. Given the effectiveness of that finale and the bulging creepiness of its creature, it was almost inevitable that the vampire girl would one day return.

And here she is, in Siren, a sequel to/remake of Amateur Night, which gives its bug-eyed beauty a whole ninety minutes with which to toy with her prey. Hannah Fierman returns as ‘Lily’, captured by the malevolent Mr. Nyx (an enjoyably slimy Justin Welborn) and enslaved in his underground strip club. It’s here where Jonah (Chase Williamson) and his stag party find her, doe-eyed and vulnerable. Mistaking Lily for a kidnap victim (which, to be fair, she is), Jonah ‘rescues’ her from her captivity, unwittingly unleashing the Siren upon himself and his friends. And Mr. Nyx isn’t particularly happy about losing his favourite worker, either.

In spite of doing away with Amateur Night’s found footage hook, Siren is every bit as entertainingly schlocky as the short film upon which it is based. Director Gregg Bishop and his writers know full well what audiences want from the film – namely Lily, being weird, scary and naked – and they deliver plenty of it. Fierman’s Lily is used just sparingly enough so as to remain scary, glimpsed mostly in her ‘normal’ human form, or not at all. With the concept being a little on the thin side, Mr. Nyx is employed as a secondary villain, allowing the brilliant Welborn to do much of the heavy lifting when Lily isn’t around. She chews the jugular… um, the scenery.

As though they were also aware that four men at a strip club might not be the most sympathetic or likeable heroes (they certainly weren’t in Amateur Night), the writing unfortunately goes too far in the opposite direction, going so overboard in keeping Jonah honourable and ‘likeable’ that he simply comes across as something of a wet blanket. Aside from his amusing inability to talk dirty to his fiancée, this isn’t played enough for laughs, inadvertently making the time spent with him as intolerable as it would have been were he your typical horror movie chauvinist. Character is not the film’s strong suit.

Luckily, the rest of it is on point. The story is a goofy charm. It’s a little too much like the sci-fi smut Species for comfort, and Lily’s tail and demeanour are uncomfortably reminiscent of the creature from Splice, but the film does a surprisingly good job of not going overboard with the sleaze. Given the naked nature of its creature and cast of blokey stags, it could have gone so horribly wrong (so, okay, maybe milquetoast Jonah is for the best). And most importantly, the shocks and the horror action all work very well – particularly one sequence in which Jonah is abducted by a fully revealed Lily. It’s like a less gross Jeepers Creepers.

Unfortunately, what should be its two best reveals have already been seen and done in Amateur Night – and more effectively, too. Those going in blind will enjoy Siren most of all. If you’ve never seen V/H/S, you’ll have a lot of fun with it, even if its biggest shocker is rendered less exciting with the loss of the found footage conceit.

‘The one with the vampire girl’ may not be the best of the short stories from the V/H/S series, but it is the most memorable. Amateur Night (the one with the vampire girl) was the original V/H/S’s crowning glory; blessed with a truly unsettling monster and a final shock which showed that the sky was literally the limit for this franchise. Given the effectiveness of that finale and the bulging creepiness of its creature, it was almost inevitable that the vampire girl would one day return.

And here she is, in Siren, a sequel to/remake of Amateur Night, which gives its bug-eyed beauty a whole ninety minutes with which to toy with her prey. Hannah Fierman returns as ‘Lily’, captured by the malevolent Mr. Nyx (an enjoyably slimy Justin Welborn) and enslaved in his underground strip club. It’s here where Jonah (Chase Williamson) and his stag party find her, doe-eyed and vulnerable. Mistaking Lily for a kidnap victim (which, to be fair, she is), Jonah ‘rescues’ her from her captivity, unwittingly unleashing the Siren upon himself and his friends. And Mr. Nyx isn’t particularly happy about losing his favourite worker, either.

In spite of doing away with Amateur Night’s found footage hook, Siren is every bit as entertainingly schlocky as the short film upon which it is based. Director Gregg Bishop and his writers know full well what audiences want from the film – namely Lily, being weird, scary and naked – and they deliver plenty of it. Fierman’s Lily is used just sparingly enough so as to remain scary, glimpsed mostly in her ‘normal’ human form, or not at all. With the concept being a little on the thin side, Mr. Nyx is employed as a secondary villain, allowing the brilliant Welborn to do much of the heavy lifting when Lily isn’t around. She chews the jugular… um, the scenery.

As though they were also aware that four men at a strip club might not be the most sympathetic or likeable heroes (they certainly weren’t in Amateur Night), the writing unfortunately goes too far in the opposite direction, going so overboard in keeping Jonah honourable and ‘likeable’ that he simply comes across as something of a wet blanket. Aside from his amusing inability to talk dirty to his fiancée, this isn’t played enough for laughs, inadvertently making the time spent with him as intolerable as it would have been were he your typical horror movie chauvinist. Character is not the film’s strong suit.

Luckily, the rest of it is on point. The story is a goofy charm. It’s a little too much like the sci-fi smut Species for comfort, and Lily’s tail and demeanour are uncomfortably reminiscent of the creature from Splice, but the film does a surprisingly good job of not going overboard with the sleaze. Given the naked nature of its creature and cast of blokey stags, it could have gone so horribly wrong (so, okay, maybe milquetoast Jonah is for the best). And most importantly, the shocks and the horror action all work very well – particularly one sequence in which Jonah is abducted by a fully revealed Lily. It’s like a less gross Jeepers Creepers.

Unfortunately, what should be its two best reveals have already been seen and done in Amateur Night – and more effectively, too. Those going in blind will enjoy Siren most of all. If you’ve never seen V/H/S, you’ll have a lot of fun with it, even if its biggest shocker is rendered less exciting with the loss of the found footage conceit.