Book & Audio Spotlight: OBVERSE BOOKS

As part of our series of articles turning the spotlight on publishers in the independent sector (our sequel to last year’s Books! The Best Weapons in the World! – A Guide to Independent Doctor Who Publishing feature), this week we’re taking a look at the work of Stuart Douglas and Paul Magrs’ company, Obverse Books.

“Obverse Books have had a really solid last twelve months, branching out into new areas both in terms of subject and type of book,” says Stuart.

“After the success of the first Faction Paradox collection (described in the Doctor Who Information Network review as ‘quite simply the most accomplished Who-related books I have read in years’), we published a second short story collection, and have just published our first Faction Paradox novel.  Four other Faction novels are in the works, in varying stages of completion, and I’ve just this week commissioned a third Faction collection, to be edited by Kate Orman and featuring only female writers.

“Our Iris Wildthyme range continues to be something we’re really proud of.  After a break for a smaller paperback collection last year as part of the Obverse Quarterly, we’re back to a full-length hardback this year,  celebrating the fifteenth anniversary of Iris in print, and featuring all sorts of different Irises for the first time! We also printed our first Annual, celebrating the best-selling steampunk characters Newbury and Hobbes, which sold out in less than twenty-four hours, and a first general genre collection, Shenanigans edited by Paul Magrs.

“Away from that, the biggest difference over the last twelve months has been the launch of Obverse’s sister e-imprint, Manleigh Books.  We launched with a single Senor 105 novella and now, a few months later, have published a single author story collection by well-known Doctor Who author, Stewart Sheargold, and have a flourishing and ongoing Senor 105 novella series, now up to its fifth entry, range edited by creator Cody Quijano-Schell.

“Looking ahead, the biggest thrill for me has been the acquisition from IPC Media of the rights to Sexton Blake, the Baker Street detective. George Mann’s novella Sexton Blake and the Vengeful Dead is out in hardback in the summer and will be the first new entry in the Sexton Blake Library for over forty years.  We intend to do both new material and reprints of the older, very difficult to find Blake magazine stories from the 1920s and 30s. 

“We’ve also signed a deal with PJ Hammond regarding Sapphire and Steel – more details on that deal will be available in the next month or so and are negotiating for one or two other properties which we think might be interesting.

“Finally, we intend to publish our first non-fiction in October, as part of the Doctor Who fiftieth anniversary celebrations.  Paul Castle, the editor of Shooty Dog Thing, has compiled the world’s most in depth and comprehensive guide to the stories – in every medium – which makes up the Doctor Who universe, Tim Burton biographer and Doctor Who DVD Production Subtitles author Jim Smith has re-worked Who’s Next, to be retitled Who’s Past, the very popular single volume guide to the tv show (adding twenty essays on Who-related topics as well as completely rejigged text), and from the guys at Outpost Skaro we will be publishing Face to Face, a collection of interviews with Doctor Who stars spanning the entire fifty years of the series.

“So, all in all, very very busy!”

Against Nature

By Lawrence Burton

(Chapter One)

1.1 (east)

There is the world we see, and there is the world beyond, the realm of sacred forces. Each is different to the other, but there are points at which they meet, where crossings are made. Lakes, rivers, and caves – these are dangerous places at the periphery of common experience, regions where one may glimpse the mechanism of the cosmos.

Primo Acamapichtli Isleño de la Vega stood at the edge of the fountain gazing at coins that had been tossed into the water, willing himself to see something more meaningful than a few pesos scattered in vague hope of making the big one in the Lotería Nacional. The centre of the fountain was dominated by a monolith, a basalt replica of Chalchihuitlicue, the River Goddess. It was a copy of one now standing guard at the gates of INAH in the city centre and which had been found here in San Miguel Coatlinchan, a surrogate for that which had been taken.

Maybe this was a glimpse of the mechanism of the cosmos, here at the water’s edge under the gaze of She of the Jade Petticoat. Everything came from water. It was one of those points upon which both science and religion were roughly agreed, loosely speaking. Maybe it didn’t matter that this was only a replica. The image was the thing, the representation. One could not deny her sacred credentials any more than one could claim that a word repeated was not really a word.

Noon approached and the sun had begun to cook the flagstones of the Zocalo. Vehicles sounded their horns, raising dust and exhaust fumes. A group of school children were crossing, heading towards Avenida Insurgentes, a giggling crocodile of T-shirts and backpacks. Soon the Aztec street theatre would arrive with pheasant tailfeather headdresses to dance steps which they felt were almost certainly the sort of thing their ancestors would have appreciated, and sweating tourists in comical shorts would applaud and throw coins and try their best to avoid being kidnapped. It was good for business no doubt, although Primo couldn’t help but wonder if a point hadn’t been missed somewhere along the line.

There was another point that he had himself missed, he realised. Something large had set off this train of thought, something so vast that it remained, for the moment, invisible.

He had spent an hour or so at Rudolfo’s place. They drank coffee and listened to music and talked about life. Primo needed to be at work at six, and it seemed wise to allow about an hour’s travel time into the city. Once he was home he would have something to eat, sleep a while, and then get ready for the evening shift.

Caves and lakes: the idea that was too big to consider now returned to him. He’d been inside a cave, hiding out, and there was that damn pain at the base of his spine. He reached back and felt the skin as raw and sensitive as ever beneath his shirt, still with no idea what could have caused it. Rudolfo had told him to go see Ultima. She would know what was to be done.

He had been in a cave, hiding out here in Coatlinchan, and the rest of the memory jarred against common sense because on some level he knew with certainty that it had not been a dream. Acamapichtli, his namesake and founder of the Mexica dynasty, the first true Tlatoani to occupy the seat and mat of Tenochtitlan had hidden himself away in that cave; and he too had thought about the world he saw and the world beyond and the points at which they met. Taking the positive view, the cave was, so he had decided, a womb from which history would be born.

That would have been late fourteenth century, the 1370s or thereabouts, when the Valley of Mexico was ruled by Tecpanecs and the Mexica were still not much more than a tribe. Acamapichtli had been in hiding under the protection of Lord Acolmiztli of Coatlinchan.

Primo had all of this written down somewhere, and certainly it turned up in a few of the accounts, but his memory tended to retain the mythology better than the dubiously historical details his ancestors had described to Christian friars. Coatlinchan, the Serpent House, was on the eastern shore of the lake, the place where the sun was born from the underworld each day, and the place from which the first ruler emerged. If the history seemed doubtful, the symbols were at least rock solid.

Primo crossed the Zocalo, heading for Avenida Morelos and home, thoughts of lunch inspired by the smoky tang of beef and corn burning on the griddle of a food seller.

He could see it, clear as he could still see Rudolfo’s front room in his mind’s eye. Somehow, by some mean, he had looked to a circle of sunlit greenery framed by the mouth of the cave, the leaves and boughs of a woodland that kept the subterranean hollow hidden from the familiar world. A little way past those trees and down the mountain’s incline, the town of Coatlinchan had gone about its daily affairs – hunters bringing fish, frogs, and birds up from the lake; merchants dealing precious feathers or stones in the market; mothers filling flat breads with peppers and michihuauhtli for the hungry mouths of their little ones.

A flurry of movement had unsettled the leaves of the trees, the bird he had much later identified as a screech owl. A man named Tzonatatetl had drawn closer, the jingle of ceremonial gold denoting his presence in the gloom, remarking I see that you are troubled, Lord.

Of course I am troubled, Primo had told the cleric without feeling he needed to state the reason. He still considered himself an ordinary citizen of Culhuacan. Now he had learned he was to become full Tlatoani for the Mexica, his father’s people.

You served as Cihuacoatl to the court, Tzonatatetl had told him, which somewhat disqualifies this claim of having been an ordinary citizen. Furthermore, your mother is of Culhua blood. Her grandfathers were Toltecs. Fame and esteem is your birthright.

It was not only that Primo recalled all this, but that he recalled it in such detail, and with such an overpowering sense of the familiar. He knew that certain poisons could produce visions, and thought again of the burning in his lower back.

A healer had arrived at the cave wearing robes of a material that was neither cotton nor maguey fibre, the cut and hue of which betrayed foreign heritage; and his face and hands had been the colour of woman’s milk. Primo’s retinue took this in their stride, concerned more by the possibility of his being a Tecpanec assassin than his ghastly appearance. The stranger spoke as though his tongue were better attuned to some rustic language, explaining that his name was either Serpentine Fire or Fire in the Serpent or something of that sort.

Primo had told him sorcery has been visited upon me, as though I have walked over the hair of the Gods. I am unaccustomed to the ways of those who cause such things to happen, but I recognise an attack to the darkest third of my tripartite being. My affliction came from clouds and mist, and that part of my body which sits east bears an unhealing wound.

The foreigner took a tool from the pouch upon his garment, something like a bolt of stone with four hollows carved into its length. Its face was inlaid with an equal number of silvered thorns stood in a row, each projecting outwards like the needles of a young mizquitl tree. Primo winced at the improbable memory of four needles piercing his flesh. It had been a dream by virtue of the fact that it could hardly have been anything else; but he had no idea where he’d experienced it, or when it had surged up from the depths of memory. He understood only that he knew it now, and knew it as though it had happened. It had been a dream because he read far too much, and his own second name was Acamapichtli thanks to an unusually patriotic father, and there was no such thing as reincarnation. Even Ultima would have agreed with him on that score. Why always Cleopatra or Elvis Presley, she once asked him in rhetorical fashion, why never the poor soul who has to clean the lavatory or wipe arses for a living?

Minutes later, Primo was stood before the door shared with three other families, fumbling a key from his pocket, slotting it into a lock which rattled within the wood. He stepped into the sepulchral cool, savouring cold black and white tiles through the soles of his shoes; then flinching as those same black and white tiles moved, a rippling motion, something that stirred his gut adding to the pain in his back. It took him a second to recognise the swift motion of a snake making a break for a gap where the street door didn’t quite meet with the step. It was one of those little rattlers, grey with the darker bands, and very shy – nothing worth getting upset about.

The sound of the television set buzzed somewhere at the top of the stairs. His mother was home from her cleaning. He found the second key on the fob and went into their apartment.

‘Hello, my son. How are you this day?’ His mother’s voice sang over the television noise but her gaze remained fixed upon the screen, TV Azteca as usual. ‘What do you have to tell me?’

‘Rudolfo is fine.’ He set his bag down upon the counter top and went over to the huge, old fridge, big as a safe and very noisy. The cool air hit him in a wave as he opened the door and briefly recalled the snake, wondering why it should have come inside rather than stay out there soaking up heat like every other reptile in the city. He took out a transparent plastic box in which his mother had saved a couple of tacos and went to the side for a plate.

María, his mother, sat upon a stool at the counter, still wearing the dull blue apron that came with her job. She sipped a glass of milk, her gaze loyal to Los Peligros de Ivan on the television but her mouth curling as though sucking a lemon. ‘There he is, the perfect victim,’ – her face creased in disgust – ‘the poor, sainted Indian child with his heart of gold.’

It took Primo a moment to realise she had been referring to the telenovela in which a dashing and yet patently black-hearted Christian delivered a choreographed beating to a young boy in dazzling white campesino clothes.

María sucked at a tooth. ‘Never do you see one of ours but he is in the news because he has shot someone, or he is dying in a novela so that others may have something to cry over.’

Primo allowed the moment to pass, then made his announcement. ‘I will visit Ultima, I think.’

‘That is a good idea. She will know what to do. Always you were her favourite.’

Long hikes through woodland back when he was a child, passing offerings to the old woman – cigarettes or liquor dangling from twine in the subterranean gloom – the memory went out as a commotion erupted from the other rooms, squawks of animal panic. His mother was already through the door. The handle slammed into the wall dislodging yet more plaster in the usual place. Primo set his plate to the counter and raced after her.

The front room was still in darkness. María knelt amongst the chaos, a chair and some newspapers which had been scattered by the collapse of bird cage and stand. She glared at the cat, at Señor Mullido as he was called.

‘Primo, hold that beast – quickly!’

He scooped up the creature, so focused upon its prey that it barely noticed, muscles taut with fur arched all along its back. It wrestled, compelled to return to the scene of its crime by pure instinct. He tossed it out into the hall and slammed the door.

His mother wailed softly. ‘Oh Francisco!’

Before her the lifeless bird lay surrounded by a tiny halo of torn and bloody feathers.

*** 

You can order Against Nature here, or as an Ebook here. Find Part 1 of our Spotlight series here.

Infographic: AFTER EARTH

To celebrate the release of AFTER EARTH (in UK cinemas from June 7th), we have an exclusive infographic to share with you that details the film’s mythology. Want to find out what’s in store for our species from here on in? Read on! 

Synopsis:

A crash landing leaves teenager Kitai Raige (Jaden Smith) and his legendary father Cypher (Will Smith) stranded on Earth, 1,000 years after cataclysmic events forced humanity’s escape. With Cypher critically injured, Kitai must embark on a perilous journey to signal for help, facing uncharted terrain, evolved animal species that now rule the planet, and an unstoppable alien creature that escaped during the crash. Father and son must learn to work together and trust one another if they want any chance of returning home.

Trailer #1

Trailer #2

AFTER EARTH is released in UK cinemas June 7th.

Share your comments below or on Twitter @STARBURST_MAG

Find your local Starburst Magazine stockist HERE, or buy direct from us HERE. Our issues are also available as fully interactive iPad editions, loaded with multimedia, and can be downloaded via Apple HERE.

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Comics: Noteworthy New Releases For Week 23

This New Comic Book Day, we see several stories drawing to a close, while a few titles are refreshed with new creative teams, new characters, and new directions. From New York City to Oa, this week’s new releases are jam-packed with awesome art and dynamic writing.

Green Lantern #21

Story by: Robert Venditti / Art by: Billy Tan 

From DC: Hal Jordan becomes the leader of the most feared and hated group in the universe: The Green Lantern Corps!

New faces, new threats and a new beginning for the GREEN LANTERN monthlies!

The Movement #2

Story by: Gail Simone / Art by: Freddie E. Williams 

From DC: The unrest in Coral City heats up as citizens clash with the police. Which side stands to gain when super powered protestors enter the fray?

Solo, Deluxe Edition Hardcover

Story by: Various / Art by: Various

From DC: At last, the acclaimed 12-issue series SOLO is collected, featuring the work of some of comics’ greatest creators, including Darwyn Cooke, Tim Sale, Paul Pope and so many others. With stories starring Batman, Robin, Superman, The Spectre, The Teen Titans and more, as well as westerns, war stories, science fiction epics, humor and horror, this is a collection you won’t want to miss!

Daredevil: End of Days #8

Story by: Brian Michael Bendis / Art by: Klaus Johnson & Alex Maleev

From Marvel: The stunning conclusion to Daredevil’s final story!

The mystery of Daredevil’s final words are revealed — and Ben Urich’s life will never be the same!

Some of the Man Without Fear’s greatest artists bring you the conclusion of his life story!

Ultimate Comics: The Ultimates #25

Story by: Josuah Fialkov / Art by: Carmine Di Giandomenico 

From Marvel: ULTIMATES DISASSEMBLED BEGINS!!!

All-new creative team and direction!

The search for the Infinity Gems brings disaster to the Triskellion’s doorstep!

Is this the end of the Ultimates? 

Age of Ultron #9

Story by: Brian Michael Bendis / Art by: Carlos Pacheco & Brandon Peterson 

From Marvel: To save the planet Earth — and maybe the entire galaxy! — the heroes of the Marvel Universe made the most controversial decision of their lives. The results have brought disaster the likes of which they have never seen before. And now, with one final chance. . . can they make it right?

Fearless Defenders #5

Story by: Cullen Bunn / Art by: Will Sliney

From: Marvel: All the fearless ladies on this cover are actually in this issue! Plus: Valkyrie v.s. She Hulk!

East of West #3

Story by: Jonathan Hickman / Art by: Nick Dragotta 

From Image Comics: “THE DRAGON” Death’s reign of terror over Those who rule continues, as the forces of the end times continue to work to bring about the Apocalypse. It’s the end of the world: Someone dies, someone lives, and someone falls in love.

Kick-Ass 3 #1

Story by: Mark Millar / Art by: John Romita Jr. 

From Marvel: Kick-Ass and Hit-Girl’s blockbuster return for the LAST EVER story arc of Mark Millar and John Romita Jr’s mega-selling series.

Hit-Girl’s in jail, leaving Kick-Ass to lead the superhero team of Justice Forever. Their first mission: Bust Hit-Girl out of the clink. But superheroes have now been outlawed, leaving Kick-Ass to dodge both cops AND criminals. For the first time since donning the costume, Kick-Ass is beginning to have his doubts. Is he now in too deep to get out?

The phenomenal follow-up to the Kick-Ass 2 movie coming this June. Issue #1 features six different covers by the industry’s biggest artists, all available for order. Each cover will feature a different character, and when all six covers are linked, a special message will be revealed. 

Polarity #3

 

Story by: Max Bemis / Art by: Jorge Coelho

From Boom! Studios: As Tim starts to become comfortable with his new powers, he begins fighting the good fight unconventionally, attacking evils relevant to people of his generation. Meanwhile, Dr. Mays seems to have his own plans for Tim.

Book & Audio Spotlight: BAFFLEGAB PRODUCTIONS

Bafflegab

Last year, you may remember Starburst Magazine’s article Books! The Best Weapons in the World! – A Guide to Independent Doctor Who Publishing, in which we took a look at the best of the Doctor Who-related independent publishing sector, a feature that included sample chapters from several of the volumes under discussion. Now that we’re approaching the fiftieth anniversary of the series, what better time to catch up with those companies and find out what they have in store for us in 2013?

To launch this new series of short articles and presentations, however, we’d like to take a look at something just a little bit different. Bafflegab Productions, run by network radio producer Simon Barnard, is an audio production company producing quality original drama and documentaries, and although their Doctor Who connections aren’t necessarily the most obvious, the roll-call of talent both in front of and behind the microphones should be familiar to most fans.

Bafflegab Logo

“In the last year we’ve released a couple more Scarifyers stories, a new series called Vince Cosmos, and launched a Scarifyers comic,” says Simon Barnard. “The Horror of Loch Ness and The Thirteen Hallows saw David Warner and Terry Molloy continue their investigations into the weird and unexplained, this time alongside Philip Madoc and Gareth David-Lloyd. Vince Cosmos: Glam Rock Detective was a new series from the pen of David Bowie-obsessed writer Paul Magrs, and starred Green Wing’s Julian Rhind-Tutt as a Bowie-style glam rocker who may not be (or then again, may be) of this Earth.

“In June we’re launching the first fruits of our partnership with horror legends Hammer Films. It’s a new horror anthology series called Hammer Chillers, six 30-45 minute supernatural tales by some well-known horror names. We’ve managed to persuade Stephen Gallagher, Christopher Fowler, Stephen Volk, Mark Morris, Paul Magrs and comedian Robin Ince to lend their writing talents to the first series, as well as acting talent including Miles Jupp (Rev), Tony Gardner (Last Tango in Halifax) and Con O’Neill (Telstar). They’re all contemporary horror stories, and they’re shaping up really well – genuinely, they’re quite unnerving to listen to! They’re available on download in the first instance, direct from the Hammer Films website, and then there will be a collected CD set at the end of July.

“Another new audio series we’re releasing later in the year is The Brenda and Effie Mysteries. They’re originally a series of books by the frighteningly talented Paul Magrs, about the Bride of Frankenstein running a B&B in Whitby, and her supernatural adventures with her best friend, Effie (a white witch). To the dismay of Brenda fans, the series came to an end last year with Brenda and Effie Forever! – but these are brand new stories, all set before the events of the first book. The first story is called The Woman in a Black Beehive, another is about the Elephant Man, and the scripts are brilliant, really funny. So there will be four brand new adventures to look forward to.

Hammer Chillers

“There will also be a new Scarifyers story later in the year. For those who haven’t heard it, Scarifyers is a light-hearted horror adventure series set in the 1930s, starring David Warner (Time Bandits, The Omen, er, Hamlet) and Terry Molloy (Doctor Who) as supernatural investigators for top-secret government department MI:13. We’ve made eight stories so far, which listeners may have caught on BBC Radio 4 Extra. The ninth story is something to do with winter, and freemasons, and weird country rituals. And Professor Dunning is nearly sacrificed, again.”

Simon has put together a thirty-minute presentation of Bafflegab’s recent output, exclusive to Starburst.

“We have three excerpts from our audio adventures for you – from Vince Cosmos, the most recent Scarifyers, ‘The Thirteen Hallows’, and an exclusive clip from episode 2 of Hammer Chillers – ‘The Fixation’, by Mark Morris.

Vince Cosmos tells the story from the perspective of Poppy Munday, a fan of Vince who has moved down to London. In this clip, she’s living in a flat with her cousin Trisha and landlady Gilda Fairbanks, and turns on the radio to listen to a Vince concert when something happens… After that, we have the first ten minutes of ‘The Thirteen Hallows’, where Crow and Dunning investigate weird goings-on in Kettering. And finally, ‘The Fixation’ tells the story of suburban busybody Ian Hibbert, who convenes a group of local residents and sets out to clean up his neighbourhood. But someone – or something – doesn’t want him to clean it up… Enjoy!”

Comics: Noteworthy New Releases For Week 22

With the holiday weekend, it’s been a slow week for comics, but there are still a few gems to pick up on Wednesday. On New Comic Book Day, we welcome a few new titles to the family while celebrating more than one annual issue.

The Wake #1
 

Story by: Scott Snyder / Art by: Sean Murphy

From DC/Vertigo: When Marine Biologist Lee Archer is approached by the Department of Homeland Security for help with a new threat, she declines, but quickly realizes they won’t take no for an answer. Soon she is plunging to the depths of the Arctic Circle to a secret, underwater oilrig where they’ve discovered something miraculous and terrifying. . .
Writer Scott Snyder (BATMAN, AMERICAN VAMPIRE) and artist Sean Murphy (PUNK ROCK JESUS) bring their acclaimed talents to this sci-fi/horror epic that explores the horrors of the deep, probes the origins of human history, and leaps far beyond to a frightening future.

Adventures of Superman #1
 

Story by: Jeff Parker / Art by: Chris Samnee

From DC: Don’t miss the debut of this all-new, digital-first series starring The Man of Tomorrow, written and illustrated by some of comics’ finest talents! Witness Superman’s first encounter with the work of Lex Luthor, brought to you by Jeff Parker (Hulk) and Chris Samnee (Daredevil)!

Earth 2 Annual #1
 

Story by: James Robinson / Art by: Yildiray Cinar, CAFU, Julius Gopez

From DC: The new Batman of Earth 2 debuts as The Atom begins a mission to lead a new team of heroes—but are any of them prepared for the threat they’re about to face?

Mind The Gap #10
 

Story by: Jim McCann / Art By: Rodin Esquejo & Dan McDaid

From Image Comics: “WISH YOU WERE HERE,” Part Five Life. Death. Rebirth. All of this and more await Elle when she faces her newest challenge. And it wouldn’t be the conclusion of an arc without twists, turns, shocks, and revelations! A new memory leads Elle to turn on one of her “allies”, and finally – HOODIE IS REVEALED! And no one will be prepared for what happens when they find out who it is!

Doctor Who Prisoners Of Time #5
 

Story by: David Tipton / Art by: Philip Bond and Francesco Francavilla

From IDW: Our yearlong celebration of Doctor Who’s 50th anniversary continues as the Fifth Doctor takes the spotlight in this issue of a 12-part epic adventure featuring all 11 incarnations of the Doctor!

Morning Glories #27
 

Story by: Nick Spencer / Art by: Joe Eisma

From Image Comics: ‘THERE IS NO BEGINNING’ The double-sized Season 2 premiere! With an astonishing array of covers by some of the hottest artists working today: JENNY FRISSON, ROB GUILLORY, SHAWN MARTINBROUGH, JAMIE McKELVIE, EMMA RIOS and MORNING GLORIES’ own JOE EISMA!

Adventure Time Annual #1
 

Story by: Various / Art by: Various

From Boom! Studios: THE FUN WILL NEVER END IN THIS SPECIAL EXPANDED ADVENTURE TIME ANNUAL! Featuring some of the hottest talent in comics today putting their creative spin on the land of Ooo! A great tool for bringing readers into the series and an awesome book for die-hard ADVENTURE TIME FANS! Featuring stories from Roger Langridge, Derek Fridolfs, Dustin Nguyen and others!

X-Men #1
 

Story by: Brian Wood / Art by: Olivier Coipel

From Marvel: The X-Women finally get their own book, from critically acclaimed superstars Brian Wood (X-MEN, ULTIMATE X-MEN, DMZ, The Massive) and Olivier Coipel (AVX, HOUSE OF M, THOR)!
An old enemy shows up at the X-Men’s door, seeking asylum from an ancient evil come back to earth.
Meanwhile, Jubilee has come home, and she’s brought with her an orphaned baby who might hold the key to the earth’s survival. . . or its destruction.
Against a backdrop of what seems like an alien invasion and an eons-spanning war between brother and sister, Storm steps up and puts together a team to protect the child and stop a new threat that could destroy all life on earth!

Feature: New to Streaming Roundup – Week Ending April 28th

New to Streaming Roundup - Week Ending April 28th

You know how previously I said that Netflix has all the original series’ and that LOVEFiLM had nothing? Well pretend I never said anything because what I forgot was that LOVEFiLM is owned by Amazon, the Amazon of the giant buy-anything website. In the states they have Amazon Instant which is essentially what LOVEFiLM is in the UK and Europe and they have launched ‘Amazon Originals’- a series of pilots intended to be possible launch pads for a series. Perhaps the most high profile of these is the Zombieland TV Show.

You might remember Zombieland from 2009 as a witty and clever zombie film that breathed new life into a stale genre. It was originally conceived as a TV series before it became a movie and now ironically is back to TV again, well what passes for TV now anyway. This is LOVEFiLM’s first shot across the bow in the original content game with Netflix, which is a good thing because…

Hemlock Grove – The First Season (2013) – Netflix

Hemlock Grove Season One

This is quite possibly the worst series of television I have ever seen. It has a premise which is a bit Twin Peaks, a bit The Killing and then really wants to be True Blood or The Vampire Diaries. Trouble is it’s nowhere near as compelling as Twin Peaks or The Killing and isn’t even trashy fun like those two vampire shows. The central mystery revolves around a murder in a small town ruled by some sinister corporation. Two teenage planks of wood mope about and spout terrible dialogue whilst supposedly trying to solve the mystery and looking longingly at each other. None of it really connects because it’s all about being pretentious and giving you a load of plot threads that will never pay off. 13 episodes of this tedium should be used as torture for any new terrorism suspects we detain for the next few years. What was once representative of a promising new future for how you consume episodic entertainment lies in a smoking badly acted ruin which should end the careers of all involved. Roll on Arrested Development.

Zombieland – Pilot (2013) – LOVEFiLM

Zombieland Pilot

So the good news is that the first episode of this show is a thousand times better than Hemlock Grove. It has all the rules for survival and ‘zombie kill of the week’ scenes that make it over from the movie. It’s clever, it’s funny and it’s short, with masses of scope for more. Admittedly the cast are no Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg or Emma Stone but it picks up weeks after the movie ends and runs with the premise as our heroes look for other survivors to join their ‘family’. They haven’t cheapskated on the effects and production design either and there is tons of violence amongst the laughs. The only thing that sucks is that so far there is only one episode, hopefully this gets the order for more episodes pretty sharpish because it will leave you wanting more.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012) – LOVEFiLM

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

This was probably 2012’s most underrated and underappreciated film coming as it did more or less opposite The Amazing Spider-Man. A quirky insightful comedy about very serious things never had a chance in the face of reheated super shenanigans. With this film Steve Carell proved he is one of the most talented all round performers we have currently and Keira Knightley was finally likeable again. It doesn’t have the fireworks a typical end of the world story might have but it has so much emotion and a really great message about the fallacy of the ‘one who got away’ mind-set. Now it’s available online there is no excuse not to seek it out.

The Adjustment Bureau (2011) – LOVEFiLM

The Adjustment Bureau

George Nolfi’s adaptation of a Philip K. Dick short story is no Blade Runner or A Scanner Darkly but thankfully it’s not Screamers either. This particular Dick around is all about fate and changing life’s grand plan. Matt Damon and Emily Blunt have undeniable chemistry and their central relationship hooks you in in a way the similar Vanilla Sky failed to do. Despite this great central hook, the fantasy elements never really get a fair shake and apart from a great set piece where the couple run through different secret doors, the film’s fantastical elements feel a bit undercooked. How you feel about the ending depends a great deal on how much you had invested in what you have already seen but I found it disappointing. Still The Adjustment Bureau is worth a look as a mid-level Dick adaptation.

Apartment 143 (2011) – Netflix

Apartment 143

Last summer’s straight to DVD found footage haunted apartment film is far far better than most that get more hype and deserves your attention. The protagonists are likeable and talk more in terms of the science of ghost hunting in a way that feels authentic and real. There is also a fantastic performance by Kai Lennox as a dad at the end of his rope with his troubled children. Unlike the last few Paranormal Activity films this is also super scary.

Grabbers (2012) – LOVEFiLM

Grabbers

Too silly to be taken seriously even as a Tremors like monster romp and not really going far enough in any direction to be a serious contender, nonetheless Grabbers is not without some belly laughs and has some pretty decent effects. The whole idea of the Irish having to get drunk to avoid ravenous beasts is pretty one note and borderline offensive but seems to dominate the entire second half of the film when some more creature action would have gone a long way. Still an entertaining bit of silliness that probably works better if you are just as intoxicated as those on screen.

Red Lights (2012) – Netflix

Red Lights

Last year’s follow up to Buried from director Rodrigo Cortes was something of a disappointment. It’s derivative as hell and you can see the reveal coming a mile off as Cillian Murphy investigates Robert De Niro’s sinister magician who has come out of retirement. Taken as a mood piece however and Red Lights has few equals and its dark corners and skewed world view carry the film through, just.

Outland (1981) – LOVEFiLM

Outland

This sci-fi western is directed by journeyman director Peter Hyams who would go on to do 2010, The Relic and Timecop. It stars Sean Connery as a marshal who is the law on a mining colony on one of Jupiter’s moons who clashes with the corrupt company boss who in turn hires assassins to kill him. Outland has aged exceptionally well and is still visually impressive with some great production design and model work standing up well 30 years later. The problem is that once we know the killers are on route it takes ages for them to get there and when they do it doesn’t quite pay off as it should. Still you could do far worse and if you miss Connery, who hasn’t been in a film in ten years, then give it a look.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole (2010) – LOVEFiLM

Legends of the Guardians

Somehow this film about some warrior owls, fighting against slavery and the young owl who (hoo?) joins their ranks bombed on release. It is perhaps too well animated with very real looking owls rather than caricatures and this may have confused its audience who then stayed away. Truthfully it’s not bad, it takes itself a bit too seriously to really be fun but it looks fantastic with a lot of director Zack Snyder’s signature touches present and correct.

V Seasons 1 and 2 (2009-2011) – LOVEFiLM

V

This short lived reboot of Kenneth Johnson’s masterful ‘80s original starts strong and the first season is okay. Sadly the allegory of the first is completely lost in favour of something about media which never really comes across. The problem is the people behind it are in too much of a hurry and the show feels very ‘network’ with events happening at an alarming rate and the characters not really allowed to develop and breathe. By the time it got to season 2 and the ratings were way down it tried to up its game and got confusing and even more rushed. Never made it to the end but now is my chance.

Feature: Don’t Call Me Shirley – The MOVIE MOVIE Story

With Scary Movie 5 currently tainting our multiplexes, Starburst explores the infuriatingly unstoppable trend in genre parodies… 

April 12th saw the release of the fifth Scary Movie, a series more indomitable than the very movies it parodies. Scary Movie has now outlived the Saw and Scream franchises. It shows no sign of stopping either, even as lead actress Anna Faris calls it a day. “Hang on – five Scary Movies?” you say, incredulously. “Surely you can’t be serious”. Deadly serious. And don’t call us Shirley. Airplane! has a lot to answer for. And not just for those people making that tired gag every time someone starts a sentence with the word “surely.”

To be fair though, the first Scary Movie (2000) is actually mildly amusing, in its own bawdy, unsophisticated kind of way. It spoofs the plot of the early Scream movies, with Anna Faris in the Sidney Prescott role and the Wayans Brothers making cock and weed jokes from the sidelines. They have their own little industry going on there, as one does the knob gags, the other fielding the drugs talk. The Blair Witch Project (1999) and I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) are also in the firing line, alongside Budweiser commercials and a cruel impression of David Arquette. Many comedy fans will balk at the constant barrage of penile jokes and waves of bodily fluids, but there is a good time to be found there if you like that sort of thing. Faris throws herself into it with admirable enthusiasm, and even the Wayans brothers aren’t too bad. This is their comedy work at its most tolerable. Rather this than Little Man, any day.

2001’s sequel offered more of the same, although the formula was already beginning to wear thin. Tim Curry slums it in a spoof of The Haunting (1999) while a man with a deformed hand is the butt of most of the jokes. James Woods also turns up in a sketch inspired by The Exorcist – one of the few times a Scary Movie has bothered to look further than the past ten years for a movie reference. There’s also a Charlie’s Angels (2000) fight scene, because writer Keenen Ivory Wayans must have run out of scary movies to put in his Scary Movie. This would only get worse over time.

By the third film in 2003, the creators of Scary Movie realised that the only people who would want to see a Scary Movie 3 were either twelve year old or worryingly immature. The movie’s milder 12A rating in the UK reflects this, allowing an audience too young to have seen the first film to hop on board. Scary Movie 3 does score a coup though, in its casting of genuine spoof stars Leslie Nielsen and Charlie Sheen (Hot Shots). It’s a spoof of movies such as 2002’s The Ring and Signs, although the series’ habit of sneaking in non-horror references begins to become more apparent. Most notably, an 8 Mile sequence starring Simon Cowell. Well, Cowell’s television work is pretty scary if you care at all about the music industry and artistic integrity and things like that. Scary Movie 3 most definitely does not care about artistic integrity. It’s even more depressing in that it was directed by David Zucker, who brought us Airplane! and the Naked Gun films. How the mighty have fallen. See also: Leslie Nielsen.

 

With its depressing success, another sequel was inevitable. Scary Movie 4 (2006) spoofs Saw, The War of the Worlds, The Village. Its non-horror references include Brokeback Mountain (a scary movie only if you’re a homophobe) and Deuce Bigalow (scary if you like comedy) with the indefatigable Anna Faris and Charlie Sheen returning.

Sheen returns again for Scary Movie 5, but Faris has opted to sit this one out. For her sake, we hope that she never comes back. She deserves so much better. The plot of Scary Movie 5 promises to spoof such topical targets as the Paranormal Activity franchise (now five years old) and Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Expect plenty of references to non-horror movies, racial stereotypes, Lindsay Lohan and a joke they stole from 2006’s Idiocracy (actually, the target audience for Scary Movie 5). At least Charlie Sheen appears to be having a good time. If this is what “winning” looks like, then we’re quite happy being losers.

 

By itself, the Scary Movie franchises offers a lot of reasons to be depressed at the state of modern comedy. But that’s not nearly it. In addition to Scary Movie 5, we also have the bafflingly named 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and Marlon Wayans’ own A Haunted House to look forward to this year. We find it hard to believe that this is the same Marlon Wayans who starred in Requiem for a Dream. How does a man go from that to White Chicks in a matter of years? Requiem for a Dream makes for pretty odd viewing if you’re only familiar with Wayans from his ‘comedy’ work. Both movies look awful, replacing jokes and plots with references and faux-offensive humour. Well, the approach has worked well so far for Family Guy, actually one of the worst things on television – but no one seems to have noticed because “hey, remember that one time, when I was Lindsay Lohan’s left boob?” Its trilogy of Star Wars spoofs is just as bad as any Movie Movie (worse, if you happen to hate Seth MacFarlane’s smug voice as much as this writer).

 

With the popularity of Twilight, it was inevitable that a spoof couldn’t be far behind. Not one but two followed, in Vampires Suck (2010) and, even worse, Breaking Wind (2011). Vampires may suck, but this first spoof sucked even more – mostly because it’s like watching Twilight all over again, only with the occasional dumb joke thrown in there every now and then. It takes a special kind of toothlessness to attack a sitting duck like the Twilight franchise and not draw blood. Maybe the filmmakers realised that they could make more money if their film wasn’t too offensive to fans of the series. Breaking Wind is more adult and a little more willing to upset the fanbase, but still manages to be worse.

The very worst of this new breed of post-Scary Movie spoofs is the 300 inspired Meet the Spartans (2008). In fact, it’s widely regarded as one of the worst movies of all time, period. Meet the Spartans doesn’t stop at parodying 300, but manages to take in everything else that was popular at the time too – from Ghost Rider to Rocky Balboa through to the Transformers and Shrek the Third. Its title of worst parody movie ever shouldn’t distract from Date Movie (2006), Epic Movie (2007), Disaster Movie (2008) or Superhero Movie (2008) though, which are only marginally less awful. The latter stars Leslie Nielsen in a spoof of Spider-Man, but without any passion for the genre, it feels as soulless as the rest. The only laughs come from Nielsen, although it’s a shame to see him waste his considerable talents on such a soulless bore. The Wolverine lookalike on the poster is admittedly quite good though.

Parodies can be good of course, which is what makes the cheap and lazy cash-ins hurt even more. Airplane! is the classic of the genre, offering an eminently quotable script and a masterful performance from the then serious actor Leslie Nielsen. The movies which followed weren’t too bad either – Neilsen’s Naked Gun movies are tremendously entertaining. His 1995 film Dracula: Dead and Loving It (a spoof of the Francis Ford Coppola adaptation) is less successful, although it does have a great cast in Nielsen, Steven Weber and Peter MacNicol. Director Mel Brooks is a lot of fun as Van Helsing. He made much better spoof movies in Blazing Saddles, Spaceballs, Men in Tights, High Anxiety and Young Frankenstein, but Dead and Loving It (his weakest) is still far better than any Scary Movie. He realises that a reference in itself is not a punchline. That’s why Blazing Saddles is one of the funniest movies of all time, and Scary Movie is a side-note, at best.

 

Charlie Brooker proved that there’s life in the old dog yet, with his TV police procedural spoof A Touch of Cloth. The Simpsons have given us some of the finest parodies ever in their Treehouse of Horror episodes. It’s the films and television series that actually seem to care about the things they’re spoofing which work best. Scary Movie, Superhero Movie and their ilk can’t even be bothered to look past the latest YouTube viral for inspiration, whereas a movie like Shaun of the Dead is so steeped in passion and reverence that it barely classifies as a spoof. Sure, if you throw enough jokes at the wall, some of them are bound to stick – but you have to try with at least some of them.

At this point, the Scary Movie series is a spoof of itself.

SCARY MOVIE 5 is in cinemas now. Don’t even f***ing think about going to see it – they’ll only make more.

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New to Streaming Roundup – Week Ending April 7th

New to Streaming Roundup - Week Ending April 7th

Not much to say in the build-up to the latest round of Netflix and LOVEFiLM streaming choices really. One thing you might want to make a note of is that on April 19th, Eli Roth’s Hemlock Grove makes its debut on Netflix. All episodes will be available at the same time allowing you to marathon your way through the ten or twelve of them that same week. At the moment this show is promising, coming across as American Horror Story meets Twin Peaks. The werewolf transformation sequence they have been showing online from the series shows that the concept and execution has masses of promise.

Anyway this week sees some frankly amazing and not so amazing titles make their streaming debut and here they are:

The Cabin in the Woods (2012) – Netflix

Cabin in the Woods

Last year’s best horror film still manages to entertain and delight even though I must have watched it 6 times by now. Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon’s brilliant deconstruction of the horror genre simply must be seen even by those who might watch one horror film a year on Halloween night only. The film is really well thought out with inventive production design and as much care and thought going into the monsters as the protagonists and their realisation of the truth behind the cabin. A must see.

Black Swan (2010) – LOVEFiLM

Black Swan

It’s interesting how when this was released the film was primarily promoted as a drama and the focus seemed to be on how Natalie Portman suffered for her art which lead to awards glory. When you actually see the film it feels like a psychological horror film through and through pitched somewhere between Lynch and De Palma. Portman does give an incredible performance as she struggles with a possible eating disorder, a demanding mother and her dark side as she learns to unleash it to play the black swan in the famous ballet. The last thirty minutes in particular are a tour de force of acting, directing and disturbing imagery that will stay with you for a long time.

Chernobyl Diaries (2012) – LOVEFiLM

Chernobyl Diaries

Last summer’s found footage horror film; Chernobyl Diaries didn’t quite deserve all the critical bile thrown at it. It’s not as bad as some made it out to be but still it’s far from a good film. It’s kind of like a found footage version of The Hills Have Eyes and although there are a couple of moments where the film comes to life, it never quite lives up to the promise of its premise. Still better than the last Paranormal Activity film though.

The Woman (2011) – Netflix

The Woman

Lucky McKee’s third feature as director that didn’t have any meddling producers involved is an amazing film. On its surface this is a tale of a family who take in a feral woman with the intention of domesticating her. Under the surface this is a savage, blacker than black comedic satire. There was some controversy when it first came out from people who just didn’t like the fact that the film held up a mirror to Middle America and they didn’t like the reflection. As a result the film hasn’t really yet got its due two years after it came out. There are some very disturbing elements in this film but far and away the most disturbing thing is Sean Bridgers as the most messed up all American family man you have ever seen. It’s as chilling a portrait of evil as I have ever seen. I can’t wait for Lucky McKee’s next film, the intriguingly titled All Cheerleaders Must Die.

Cockneys vs. Zombies (2012) – LOVEFiLM

Cockneys vs Zombies

Despite a fairly lame title, Cockneys vs. Zombies is a far better film than you think it’s going to be. This totally should have got a wide release last year because it happened to be the best zombie film for a while. Like all the best zombie features, it has all the inventive kills and gore you could hope for and also social subtext about the decline of a subculture that seems to be disappearing completely thanks to globalisation and the media. Not only that but for a low budget feature, Cockneys vs. Zombies has tons of scope and feels suitably epic. Perfect for a beer and pizza Saturday night.

The Raid (2012) – Netflix

The Raid

Although not typical Starburst fare, The Raid is one of the most insane and violent films you will ever see, so you could well class it as ‘fantastical’. Most of what you have heard about this film is true, it’s full of energy, hyper violent and one of the most thrilling and kinetic films ever made. What people seem to lose sight of however is that a lack of character and plot holds it back from being a masterpiece. Watching this for the first time is reminiscent of the first time you saw a John Woo film and this will likely be a massive influence on the action film for the next decade. Would make a pretty good double bill with the above film if you just so happen to subscribe to both LOVEFiLM and Netflix.

Rango (2011) – Netflix

Rango

Gore Verbinski’s animated western is delightful and completely out of left field. Most of the CG animated kid friendly entertainment that comes out of Hollywood is colourful, friendly and has no sharp edges. Verbinski’s film is ugly, focussing on the creatures at the very bottom of the food chain with not one character even approaching attractive and its all the more effective for it. At its core this is a story of mistaken identity and learning to be a hero and take responsibility, not really anything new but it’s done with such wit and invention that it simply works far better than most.

Judge Dredd (1995) – Netflix

Judge Dredd

Whilst we all enjoy Dredd on Blu-ray and pine for a sequel that will probably never come, Netflix have pre-empted this and put the Stallone version out. If you can get past the fact that Dredd removes his helmet then this is actually quite enjoyable. It is a film all about the production design that tries to take in as much of Mega City as it can and therefore ends up in a bit of a mess unlike the short and focussed Dredd last year. Despite this there is some fun to be had and if nothing else it’s a fine example of what Hollywood was doing with comic book properties before Blade and X-Men changed the game.

Reign of Fire (2002) – Netflix

Reign of Fire

Rob Bowman’s monster and Mad Max mash up was fairly ignored on release which is a shame because it was one of the most thrilling big monster films to come along for a while. It’s still quite a thrilling and epic feeling film which stars a pre-Batman Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey before his recent career renaissance. Most importantly the dragons that have destroyed the world are nightmarish and powerful forces of nature that feel huge and terrifying and so most of the battles we see feel suitably impactful and dangerous.

Cool World (1992) – Netflix

Cool World

Cool World is not a good film by any stretch of the imagination but it has always fascinated me. As originally conceived this was a horror film where a human had sex with a cartoon and ten years later the half cartoon and half human offspring comes to our world looking for revenge. Of course this film we never saw. Cult maverick animator Ralph Bakshi came on board and the film was moulded into a reverse Who Framed Roger Rabbit where humans go into the cartoon world rather than the other way around. The plot has Kim Basinger’s sultry Holly Would trying to seduce Gabriel Byrne’s creator into bed and therefore making her human, this leads to some nonsense about Vegas and the two worlds melding. The tone is all over the place, flitting between melancholy tale of obsession and family comedy with a great soundtrack. A bigger problem is that there is nobody to root for, Byrne’s character has just gotten out of prison for murder and Brad Pitt’s character is too much of a moral James Dean doing noir cut out to ever engage. It hardly matters anyway because Bakshi is more interested in his nightmarish, surreal Cool World dreamscape with lunatic Looney tunes on acid animals beating each other senseless at the expense of any drama. Worth watching only to see how studio interference affected films twenty years ago. Nothing quite like this has ever been made before or since.

Goemon (2009) – Netflix

Goemon

Although not as impressive as Casshern released five years earlier, Kazuaki Kiriya’s follow up Goemon, a kind of Robin Hood in Japan, is still a very impressive and thrilling film. The problem is it is too long and like Casshern it lacks a bit of focus. If you are in the mood though for something entertaining on a purely aesthetic level then this is probably a good choice. It has just enough action, fantasy and romance to keep your attention on a cold wet Sunday afternoon.

Feature: Jason Goes to Development Hell – The FREDDY VS JASON VS ASH Story

The Freddy vs Jason vs Ash Story

It’s difficult, talking about Freddy vs Jason vs Ash. Like the Dark Knight Returns adaptation starring Adam West, a Dredd sequel (looking very unlikely, following its bombing on the big screen) or Guillermo Del Toro’s Mountains of Madness adaptation (it could still happen) it’s become one of those Development Hell stories that’s just too painful to think about. Oh, what could have been.

Following the success of Ronny Yu’s Freddy vs Jason in 2003, it looked like a sequel was inevitable. We should have learned, from the ten year hiatus following Jason Goes to Hell, that such matters are rarely so straightforward. After all, it had taken all that time for Freddy and Jason to get together by themselves. Not bad, considering it had started out as a throwaway gag at the end of Jason Goes to Hell (although ideas were being thrown about as far back as 1987). Production of Freddy vs Jason was troubled, with eighteen scripts being drafted, at a cost of roughly $6 million, from a dozen screenwriters. All anybody really wanted was ninety minutes of Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees hacking away at one another, but some very interesting ideas were suggested; The Millennium Massacre, for example, in which it was revealed that Freddy was a Crystal Lake counsellor who abused Jason as a child. That, then, would be an attempt by New Line to make Freddy scary again – a far cry from the cuddly monster of Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare. Another draft had Jason battling a Freddy-inspired cult, with a side-order of body-swapping. We had enough of that in Jason Goes to Hell, thanks. Eventually, New Line did the obvious thing, and just had Freddy and Jason hacking away at one another for 90 minutes, with pretty teenagers occasionally distracting them for long enough to get violently killed. For all its faults, Freddy vs Jason does have Jason literally whack one of Destiny’s Child into a tree, while game old Robert Englund lays down some WWE moves on his hockey-masked foe.

One draft of the ending, tantalisingly, had Pinhead involved, dragging the both of them to Hell. There was even talk of a whole Freddy vs Jason vs Pinhead movie, with the three of them beating the um, Hell, out of each other in Hell. This, sadly, was deemed “too fantastical”, and was not to be. That lingering sense of disappointment? Us horror fans should have gotten used to it – there was a lot more to come.

Bigger, louder, more, is usually the rule when making a sequel. Doubly so, for horror movies. So Freddy vs Jason 2 couldn’t just be more of the same – they had to bring another big name into the ring. Inevitably, names like Pinhead (again) and Michael Myers were rumoured. But the most interesting, and the one that came closest of all was Ash, of Evil Dead and Army of Darkness fame. It was a great idea because, unlike every other name mentioned, Ash is a hero, as opposed to yet another slasher movie villain. Pitting two of horror’s loudest bigmouths against one another seemed a great idea – never mind Jason Voorhees, Freddy vs Jason vs Ash could have just been a Presidential Debate style shouting match between Bruce Campbell and Robert Englund, and it still would have been one of the greatest movies of all time.

Eager to proceed, New Line Cinema attempted to acquire rights to Sam Raimi’s ‘Ash’ character, but the Evil Dead and Spider-Man head honcho wasn’t playing ball. Flush from the success of his studio’s Grudge remake (actually terrible, but he didn’t seem to notice that) he announced news of an Evil Dead remake instead. And with that, Freddy vs Jason vs Ash was dead.

If you want to rub salt into the wound, the official treatment is found easily enough online. It was adapted, in 2007, into a six-issue comic book miniseries. That sweetened the pill, somewhat, but it’s simply not the same! No comic book, no matter how well-written or illustrated, can ever capture the boom of Bruce Campbell’s voice, or playful gleam in Robert Englund’s eye. It’s nice that Laurie and Will are killed off in the opening moments of the Freddy vs Jason vs Ash comic book, but it would have been so much more rewarding to really see the end of Monica Keena and Jason Ritter and their horrible acting. Still, it’s nice that the idea lives on in some way.

If there’s a silver lining to the demise of Freddy vs Jason vs Ash, it’s that at least we were spared that movie’s sequel too – Nightmare Warriors, a comic book which took the whole ‘bigger, louder, more’ thing too far. But we’re just kidding ourselves. It’s not as if Freddy or Jason went on to do anything better, following Freddy vs Jason. Both were re-invented, Freddy becoming a non-scary bogeyman (even Jackie Earle Haley couldn’t salvage it) and Jason gamely slashing his way through a fun but disposable sex romp starring one of the brothers from Supernatural. It felt like a waste of a legacy, rather than the revitalisation the movies’ creators would have liked. Freddy may not have been dead following his Final Nightmare, but he sure was by the time the 2010 remake was done with him. We can always hope that, following the success of Texas Chainsaw 3D, this ‘ignoring the reboots and picking up where we left off’ thing will become a trend. Except better than Texas Chainsaw 3D, please.

To alleviate the pain, there are the comic books. And you don’t have to Google very far to find a rubbish YouTube fan film or two. Freddy vs Jason vs Ash by Trent Duncan is actually quite good, even if its actors are hardly of the standards of misters Englund and Campbell. “Hey scabby. Haven’t seen you since the barbecue,” smirks Ash. “This time I’ll do the cooking!” retorts Krueger. The script is mildly amusing at times (“well I ain’t Doctor Seuss!”) the action surprisingly fun. It does have the look of three tramps fighting one another in a local park, but it’s probably the closest we’ll ever get to a real Freddy vs Jason vs Ash.

The Evil Dead remake will probably be better than Freddy vs Jason vs Ash ever would have been, but it’s still a difficult lot to bear. Freddy vs Jason vs Ash will go down in history as one of the Greatest Movies Never Made. It’s a fair bet that it wouldn’t have been much cop (Freddy vs Jason certainly wasn’t, despite some great fight scenes) but oh – what could have been.