Review Category: Reviews

THE FINAL WISH

CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: TIMOTHY WOODWARD / SCREENPLAY: JEFFREY REDDICK, WILLIAM HALFON, JONATHAN DOYLE / STARRING: LIN SHAYE, MICHAEL WELCH, KAIWI LYMAN, MELISSA BOLONA / RELEASE: MAY 25TH

The cursed artefact that promises happiness but delivers only disaster to its unfortunate owner. It’s a familiar horror premise that’s given another run-out in this new slow-burn MacGuffin-based horror. The Final Wish does not try to reinvent the template that this sort of tale relies on. But it does take a different approach in prioritising the persona and relationships of its main character over the complexities of its own ‘monkey’s paw’ mythos.

Breaking free of the binds of small-town America, Aaron Hammond (Welch) has been trying to build a life in the big city as a young lawyer. But in both his professional and personal life, his efforts have only been met with rejection and knock-backs. Learning of the death of his father, he returns home and reconnects with the people from his adolescence, while helping his mother (Shaye) adjust to her loss. Amongst the possessions of his antique dealer father, he finds a nondescript urn bearing a strange inscription. Then a series of dramatic events compel Aaron to recognise the memento’s true nature and the danger that he and his family are in from a vengeful, demonic entity.

The story is the work of Jeffrey Reddick, screenwriter for the first two instalments in the Final Destination franchise. But things here do differ from that series’ narrative style. After a pre-title bloodbath, things settle down as most of the first two acts are given over to the travails of Aaron’s life. Few of the people around him seem to value his presence, and he’s soon entangled with the same awkward situations that led him to leave in the first place. As the urn silently grants wishes to Aaron, he’s unaware of its role in the good and the gruesome things happening around him (with even the audience likely to be playing catch-up at this point).

It’s only when family friend and researcher Colin provides the backstory info-dump (Tony Todd delivering an on-point cameo) that the dots are joined, and the significance of the titular “final wish” becomes clear. After all of this preparatory work, the extended pay-off and coda are something of a let-down (Aaron has probably got used to his life under-delivering by now). There are a bellowing demon, some implausible set-pieces and a lot of wonky contrivances that do not stand up to any kind of scrutiny.

There are things to enjoy along the way. Genre stalwart Lin Shaye is predictably good value as Aaron’s emotionally unhinged mother; while Kaiwi Lyman exudes contempt and malevolence in a strong turn as a thuggish lawman. As Aaron, an everyman nursing his disappointments, and weighed down by a sense of obligation, Michael Welch has a quiet believability. There are also some genuine ‘gotcha’ moments in the unfolding plot. But the slow-paced character drama and the thinly rendered curse motifs never properly gel – which makes the plot holes less easy to forgive. The final verdict? It’s watchable. The final wish? Don’t make a sequel.

THE WOMAN / OFFSPRING

THE WOMAN + OFFSPRING / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: LUCKY McKEE, ANDREW VAN DEN HOUTEN / STARRING: POLLYANNA McINTOSH, SEAN BRIDGERS, ANGELA BETTIS, LAUREN ASHLEY CARTER / RELEASE DATE: 25TH MAY

Released in 2011, Lucky McKee’s The Woman, based on a book by horror author Jack Ketchum, tells the story of the Cleek family’s attempt to civilise a feral woman who had been found in the woods by controlling dad (and generally horrible human being), Chris. Eagerly aided by his son, little shit Brian, Chris’ abuses of the woman – and indeed the entire female side of his family – become more and more extreme as his behaviour worsens and implications of his past indiscretions emerge. It’s an uncomfortable but magnificent watch, with some particularly gut-wrenching moments and incredible performances (especially from Pollyanna McIntosh as the Woman, who is absolutely phenomenal), eventually climaxing in a thrillingly cathartic showdown between good (well, good-ish) and evil.

The themes tackled by The Woman caused a fair bit of controversy at the time, helping it to gain interest from the horror going public, but the film was viewed by many as a standalone product. Although its notoriety sees it take top billing on this release, The Woman was, in fact, a sequel to 2009’s Offspring, another film based on one of Ketchum’s books. Arrow Video have now bundled both films together, making Offspring available on Blu-ray for – as far as we’re aware – the first time outside of the USA (officially, at least).

Filmed on a much lower budget which results in a decidedly old-school atmosphere, Offspring is certainly no less vicious and savage than its successor. Introducing us to the Woman and her nomadic tribe of cannibals, it’s a gory and unsettling tale that goes some way to explaining where the Woman came from. Sure, there are plot holes and inconsistencies, and you have to keep reminding yourself not to question the hows and whys of what’s going on (not least, how come they figured how to make belts but not proper clothes, with most of the tribe choosing to leave all their bits and bobs flapping away in the breeze?), but it’s still an enjoyably horrifying 80 minutes’ worth of entertainment.

Arrow Video has become known for the amount of effort they put into their releases, and this is no exception. Both films have gone through the 4K restoration process so everything looks sharper and brighter than ever before, and there’s plenty of new content for returning fans to sink their teeth into. The inclusion of Offspring and its related extras is extremely welcome indeed, and there’s a wealth of archive material from previous releases. Also included are multiple brand new audio commentaries on both films, along with new interviews with the cast and crew, extensive behind the scenes footage (the 75-minute “fly on the wall” documentary by Lucky McKee’s dad is tremendous!) and, as always, Arrow’s famed reversible artwork and collector’s booklet. The only thing that could possibly make this set even better would be if the third film in the series – 2019’s Darlin’, had been included (it’s mentioned in the extras so its omission is a bit of an odd one), but that’s a minor gripe when you consider how excellent the rest of the package is. A must-buy for all horror fans!

Click here for special features list

PONG QUEST

PONG QUEST / DEVELOPER: CHEQUERED INK LTD / PUBLISHER: ATARI / PLATFORM: PC, SWITCH (REVIEWED) / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Made by Atari, the success of the original Pong all the way back in the early 1970s is pretty much responsible for gaming’s move from the arcades into people’s homes. Its incredibly primitive gameplay – it’s basically table tennis with two rectangles as bats (or “paddles”) bouncing a square ball between them – might have been out of this world 40 years ago, but in 2020? Well, you wouldn’t think it would be up to much, would you? Wrong!

In Pong Quest, you take the role of a fully-customisable paddle (hairstyles, hats, T-shirts, the lot) who is helping King Pong to discover why his subjects are behaving to strangely. Ponging your way through the castle’s four randomly-generated (and increasingly large) dungeons, you’ll eventually gather the four orbs necessary to open The Spooky Door where all questions will be answered… Bright blocky pixel art and chirpy music fit the mood perfectly, and the child-friendly text contains plenty of jokes for the grown-ups too, so it’s very much something you can play with the kids.

But how fun can simulated table tennis be in the modern era? Running around these dungeons, you’ll often run into enemy paddles which initiates a Pong battle. The classic rules apply – use your paddle to hit the ball back and forth, attempting to score a “goal” by getting the ball past the opposing player. The difference now is that each paddle has a health bar which drops by one point every time a ball is hit. Scoring a goal wipes several points off the losing player’s total, and battles continue until one paddle is totally defeated. And there are now almost 60 different special balls to use, which add all manner of power ups ranging from simply speeding up your shot or making it extra bouncy to filling the screen with meteors or even a full-on Centipede game! There’s a bit of light levelling up to do, too, which slowly increases your stats throughout the game, and even mini-games which – in quite a shocker – are all really quite fun diversions!

Taking something as antiquated as Pong and turning it into an enjoyable modern experience is certainly something to be commended. It isn’t quite as challenging as you might like – most battles are over within a minute or so – but the gigantic dungeons in the final world are likely to take a few attempts to get through. As far as Pong goes – and this is what we’re basing the overall score on – this is hands down the best version to play in 2020. Stupidly addictive with the potential for “hidden gem” and “cult classic” written all over it, Pong Quest is definitely our “pleasant surprise of the year” so far!

WHAT THE GOLF?

WHAT THE GOLF? / DEVELOPER & PUBLISHER: TRIBAND / PLATFORM: APPLE ARCADE, PC, SWITCH (REVIEWED) / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Some might say that golf is a good walk ruined and that the “sport” has gone nowhere but dramatically downhill since Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and an exasperated “Mean” Gene Okerlund attempted to help viewers with their putting techniques on WWF’s Rampage ’91 home video tape. For anyone with thoughts such as those, a) congratulations, you’re correct, and b) What The Golf? might be just the game for you!

“The golf game for people who hate golf” (it says here), each hole you visit contains some sort of surprise or other (sounds like a Starburst office party). Endlessly ridiculous, What The Golf? is a physics-based parody of every rich pensioner’s favourite pastime, filled with unexpected absurdities. It’s an incredibly easy game to play – just point the ball with the left stick, then press (or hold then release) a button to take your shot. It’s simple enough to work out where you need to land, but the game will often throw curveballs into the mix without telling you. You might suddenly be controlling a “spider ball” that clings to (and swings from) nearby surfaces, or maybe it’ll be a Flubber-like thing that bounces all over the screen. The Switch’s gyro and/or touchscreen might come into play, or perhaps you might not actually end up hitting the thing you think you’re hitting…

What The Golf? never quite does whatever you might be expecting it to do, and discovering its insane inventiveness never fails to put a big dumb grin on your face. And there are plenty of treats in store for retro game fans, with tons of courses based on popular (and lesser-known) games from the last 30 or so years, from 80s Nintendo classics to modern cult hits like Katamari Damacy and Superhot.

To encourage multiple plays, each course has three objectives that eventually reward the player with a trinket for their trophy cabinet. There’s also a daily challenge, a super-long “impossible” course, and a local two-player mode which is all kinds of fun. It’s all incredibly daft, but also incredibly addictive. If you hate golf, and fancy playing something silly to pass the time, please purchase this game!

DOCTOR WHO – THE MAZE OF DOOM

AUTHOR: DAVID SOLOMONS / PUBLISHED BY PUFFIN / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

“There’s a Minotaur loose on the London Underground!” Only in Doctor Who. David Solomons follows up last year’s The Secret in Vault 13, a lively, Galaxy-hopping romp that occasionally buckled under the weight of all the fan-pleasing continuity reference-crammed into its text, with another breathless scramble of an adventure. This time, it mirrors the globetrotting tone of the most recent version of the show on TV. Largely Earth-centric, Series 12 saw the Doctor and her ‘fam’ fighting aliens and assorted extra-terrestrial odd bods in locations as diverse as London, Australia, 1940s Germany, New York in the early 1900s, Hong Kong, Madagascar, and 19th-century Lake Geneva. Similarly, Solomons sends team TARDIS hurtling across the planet in another breathless high octane yarn. After a prologue featuring the return of a long-forgotten old enemy set on Crete circa 2000 BC, it kicks off in the near future at the Palace of Whitehall in Westminster, before moving to a secret underground base in the Alps, and a crashed alien spaceship at the bottom of the Aegean Sea.

Back in the 1970s, Doctor Who was occasionally given to borrowing from classic myths and legends in its quest to find new ways to tell its adventures in Space and Time. In The Maze of Doom, Solomons has chosen to revisit one of the era’s less well-regarded stories – 1979’s creaky, cash-strapped Horns of Nimon. A massive starship comes to Earth in Crete in 2000 BC and the wreckage becomes a source of interest for the scientist Daedelus and his son Icarus. The repercussions not only of the crash but also the curiosity of those keen to explore and exploit its bizarre and unfathomable secrets reverberate down through the ages. This culminates in a desperate race against time in the year 2028 as the Doctor and her friends confront the rampaging metallic Minotaur and two ambitious 21st-century philanthropists and their plan to provide a new and enduring energy source for the world at any cost.

The Maze of Doom is aimed squarely at younger fans (assuming that there are any younger fans left). Still, Solomons never writes down to his audience, and he’s kept the tiresome references to a minimum too, this time. His story bounces along at a decent pace, is packed with incident, scares, nasty monsters, and a little bit of tame body horror here and there. Once again, Solomons captures perfectly the relationship between the Doctor, Ryan, Yaz (who gets a bit more to do here than she ever does on TV) and Graham, who provides most of the dry, laconic humour. Frothy, flippant stuff, but hugely readable even for those of more advanced years, The Maze of Doom is commendably tightly-plotted. It makes good use of its mythological origins, offering some neat contemporary twists on classic Greek myth while delivering a propulsive, expansive yarn entirely in keeping with the style of the current series. Stubborn old-school fans, as ever, won’t want to touch this with a bargepole but this is a thrilling little read for any youngsters invested in the antics of the Timeless Child and her chums.

Pulse

DIRECTOR: STEVIE CRUZ-MARTIN / SCREENPLAY: DANIEL MONKS / STARRING: DANIEL MONKS, JAMIEE PEASLEY, SCOTT LEE, SIAN EWERS / RELEASE DATE: JUNE 2ND (VOD)

Having done the festival circuit, Australian indie Pulse now receives a wider release on streaming services. Writer Daniel Monks stars as Olly, a high schooler with a disability that will leave him unable to walk unless he has his hip replaced. But that’s not a major enough procedure for Olly, who signs up for an experimental new surgery that places his mind inside a completely new body – and he decides that body should be female. Olly becomes Olivia and, now both able-bodied and attractive to guys, embraces the party girl lifestyle rather too hard.

Monks’ script and Stevie Cruz-Martin’s direction bring a down-to-earth style to Pulse, with dialogue conversational and playful; combined with some strong performances, this gives the film a believability that makes it possible to overlook the casualness of body swapping being a thing (and no one ever asking where the bodies come from). The film rattles along at a fast pace, with colourful cinematography and fast editing giving the various nightlife-set sequences a pulsating energy, and there are plenty of well-observed details to Olivia’s exploration of life as a woman, including a thoroughly awkward sex scene and the disparaging looks she’s given when returning from a one-night stand on public transport.

But it becomes increasingly clear that the filmmakers don’t have a handle on their story or what they’re trying to say with it. If you’re expecting, from the plot summary, this to be a sci-fi allegory for transgender issues, then you’ll end up disappointed, as Olly/Olivia’s journey has little parallel with real life trans experiences. In fact, the film works to reinforce untrue and negative stereotypes often weaponised against trans people by portraying the character as a man in a woman’s body, out to deceive people for sex, rather than actually as a woman – Olly continues to identify using male pronouns, continues to be portrayed by the male actor during more introspective moments, and it turns out that the female body was chosen as a ploy to get laid.

What exacerbates these problems is the fact that Olly/Olivia is one of the most irritatingly obnoxious characters you could imagine, often for little discernible reason. At the beginning, his attitude makes for some effective conflicts, and you hold onto hope that Pulse might find something profound to say about why he acts like this, but as he only gets nastier, it’s easy to lose sympathy with the character and patience with the film.

It’s a massive shame, as Pulse’s intriguing concept and neat indie style are squandered by the script losing control of its character and – perhaps inadvertently – putting across some nasty messages. We struggle to recommend you check this one out, but there may be better things to come from the director.

STAR PIG

WRITER: DELILAH S. DAWSON | ARTIST: FRANCESCO GASTON | PUBLISHER: IDW | FORMAT: PAPERBACK | RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Whimsy is a rare thing in modern sci-fi comic books. The trend tends to be for serious heroes doing serious things, or every-man point-of-view types getting into all sorts of grim and dark trouble. As the title might suggest, Star Pig eschews this trend for a tale that is simply very, very silly.

Our main character is a teenage girl called Vess Singh-Rodriguez. While on an exciting school trip to ‘Space Camp’, her space shuttle gets caught up in a tragic accident. Luckily she’s rescued by the titular Star Pig, a ‘mega-tardigrade’ who goes by the name of Theo Tardigrade. Luckily for Vess, Theo is a super hardy sort of alien who’s able to protect her from the vacuum of space. Unluckily for the pair of them, they then get scooped up by something that’s not as cool.

Star Pig is one of those stories where the main characters (a girl and her pig) are constantly avoiding death, going from bad to worse every step of the way. The moments of respite are always going to lead to more trouble and so on. Vess is more of an adult’s idea of a what a teenager should be like, but that’s okay as they’re a ‘sort of futuristic’ character. All the various aliens speak English of course and everyone’s heard of Earth’s pop-culture.

This is a very silly sort of ‘lost in space’ drama and it’s also very charming. Delilah S Dawson is no stranger to science fiction fantasy, as fans of her Star Wars books will cheerfully confirm. Star Pig is very much a different sort of beast. It’s silly without being overtly comic and the main characters aren’t heroes, they’re just trying to get by, dodging one hazard to the next. This is not deep sci-fi, this is fantasy fun.

In parts surreal, in other parts a little scary, Star Pig feels firmly aimed at both the young and young at heart. Francesco Gaston’s art is lovely throughout and there is an attention to detail here that really enhances the ‘fish out of water’ comedy vibe to the entire tale. It’s lovely looking art, though it’s a little samey in places. Both the story and art are consistently entertaining throughout, and though it won’t win any prizes for hidden meaning or originality, it’s still a blast from beginning to end.

THE WRETCHED

CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: BRETT PIERCE, DREW T PIERCE / STARRING: JOHN-PAUL HOWARD, PIPER CURDA, ZARAH MAHLER, AZIE TESFAI / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW (VOD), JUNE 29TH (DVD)

Generic and unhelpful title aside, The Wretched (originally titled Hag, which is possibly marginally worse) is a decent slab of low budget, low-fi horror that manages to generate an acceptable degree of tension and as well as delivering a few subtle shivers. In a cast refreshingly free of ‘oh, look, it’s him/her from…’ faces, Jean-Paul Howard plays Ben, a troubled teenager with his arm in a cast, who goes to stay with his divorced father living with his new girlfriend in a coastal resort. Ben reluctantly agrees to take on the job at the local marina arranged for him by his father. Still, he soon finds himself distracted by his growing attraction to co-worker Mallory (Curda) and the strange behaviour of the family next door, especially mom Abbie (Mahler), who is behaving more than a little oddly.

The Wretched wears its influences quite proudly on its sleeve. There’s a bit of Invasion of the Body Snatchers here (a creepy witch able to inhabit the bodies of its victims) and a bit of Hitchcock there (Ben uses binoculars to spy on the activities of his neighbours) and even a bit of Spielberg in the general family dynamics. But the Pierce Brothers have taken these familiar tropes and ingredients (it’s hard to criticise them for being influenced by the best) to concoct an efficient, occasionally-dark and nasty little horror story that works hard to overcome the limitations imposed by its budget. The focus on practical if sparingly-used visual effects is refreshing and The Wretched generally relies on dark shadows and shapes moving through the night alongside clever if convenient plot twists (victims are ‘forgotten’ by their families once they have been consumed) to keep its story rolling. Ben discovers a gnarly old tree out in the nearby woods and discovers that a malevolent ancient force in the shape of a ghastly wizened witch-creature, has taken to emerge from the labyrinth of tunnels underneath the tree and captures and devours local children. In best Body Snatchers fashion, no one will believe his fanciful theories and his father plans to send him home to get medical help and eventually he is forced to confront the creature in its lair if he is to save the lives of the terrified child next door (already forgotten by his father) and Mallory’s little sister.

The Wretched won’t rewrite the horror rule book, but it’s a taut, punchy little film that plays effectively with half-remembered childhood tales of wicked witches carrying children off into dark, spooky woods. Strong visuals and some decent scares – the witch is a wild, nasty-looking creation – and the film’s commendably retro sensibilities work to create something rather refreshing from the familiar. Worthwhile and certainly not wretched.

SUPERNATURAL – SEASON 14

REVIEWED: SEASON 14 (ALL EPISODES) | WHERE TO WATCH: E4, ALL 4, APPLE, AMAZON, MICROSOFT

Supernatural is a show that’s simply too stupid to stay dead. It’s now at the end of its fourteenth season, and though we’ve been promised that it will be over by the fifteenth season, we’ve heard that line before. With so many stories behind it and so much lore, Season 14 is the point where the series finally started to collapse under its own weight.

The result is a weird storytelling black-hole in which no light or fun can escape. Pretty much every single episode runs about after itself, tying off loose ends from previous seasons. Of course, at the start it deals with the major cliffhangers from the last season, and it is a delight to watch Jensen Ackles caper around as the villain for a while. Throughout all this, characters from previous episodes and ideas from past story arcs all collide to do interesting if not terribly original things.

As you might have gathered, this means that most of the episodes are arc-plot related and alas this is where Supernatural has always been at its weakest. The ever-growing narrative has always been messy, but at this far along the wayward road, it’s just unwieldy. Instead, it’s the standalone stories that shine. ‘Mint Condition’ is a delightfully silly homage to both collectors of geeky things and slasher movies. Monster of the week story ‘Don’t Go Into The Woods’ feels like it could have been slotted into an earlier season and is an enjoyable romp. ‘Optimism’ is a nice dumb take on paranormal romance and ‘Lebanon’ is a strong take on ‘what if’, though it suffers from the show’s own history weighing it down.

The performances from the main cast remain as solid as they always have; though at this point we don’t get any surprises. Supernatural is still essentially a horror-themed soap opera, drawing on popular aspects of western cultural folklore to fill the gaps between a tale of two squabbling brothers, their best friend and Jack, who is essentially the adopted son of this unconventional family. As such, the bulk of the drama is about the relationships between these four men, with the titular supernatural elements merely functioning as confusing window dressing.

Supernatural is a shadow of itself, although it’s still packing a punch. It’s gone far beyond self-parody at this point, with its meta-narrative now part of the central plot. Despite all these flaws, we will still be watching Season 15. If it keeps its promise, the apocalyptic battle royale promised from the very beginning of the show will be one to watch, though probably best not to take it too seriously.

A Review Of The Retro Slots Games – Starburst Slot

With the increasing popularity of online gambling sites, more and more of us are waking up to the highly entertaining fun that slot games offer.

From brand new titles to classic slot games, the sheer variety on offer makes slots a wonderful entry point to the world of online gambling, with veteran slot players also in high numbers.

One of the most popular slots of all time is Starburst, a colorful slot game that blends excitement and opportunity to make some real money.

In this article, we will write an in-depth review of the Starburst slot game, taking a look at the exact nature of this game and what makes it considered among the very best games of all time. Many sites specialize in providing trusted reviews to players considering joining the best slot sites, an essential service for punters.

So, without further ado, let’s take a look at our review of Starburst, one of the most popular retro slot games of all time.

Starburst Slot – The Basics

By far the most popular slot in the Netent line-up, this slot boasts 5 reels and 10 pay lines. Starburst is surely one of the most legendary slot games of all time, with minimum bets starting at just 1credit and going all the way up to 10,000, meaning every type of gamer has something to enjoy with this title.

Offering multicolored looks that seriously pull players into the game, Starburst is one of those online slots that offer serious opportunities to win a great chunk of cash.

Bonus features in Starburst slot

The Starburst slot game has only a single bonus feature. Though it doesn’t boast a classic free spins option, Starburst wilds offers wild reels and respins that can result in 3 wild reels.

Without any Free Spins option, Starburst hones in on the Starburst Wild symbol. Switching out all symbols, it only shows up on reels 2, 3, and 4. As 1 of these shows up on any of the 3 middle reels, you can lead to a Starburst Wilds situation.

The Starburst Wild can increase over the entire reel to offer a special reel – this wild stays locked in with a free re-spin given to the player. If a second Starburst Wild shows, the situation is repeated to provide a further wild reel and re-spin.

You might fill the 3 central reels with the opening Starburst Wild and specialty from a result of 3 re-spins. This can finalize itself when there aren’t any new Starburst Wilds showing in a re-spin. 3 wild reels result in a simpler way to boost the reels with a Bar which might end up in a 500x wager win.

Starburst Slot Details & Wager Limits

In terms of variation, Starburst lands in the low to medium section. As a result, you can expect many small-level wins, ideal for entertaining! Actually, 22.65% of spins will finish in a top combo. The top win on offer is 500x wager.

You can also choose the Autoplay icon at Starburst – you can select from a huge range of spins. If you choose the Advanced settings section, you can decide to put an end to Autoplay on all wins, if just one win comes past a particular number, if your number goes up or lowers down by a selected digit. This means you can enjoy a more responsible game.

Starburst RTP

The Starburst RTP is 96.09% which is quite middle of the road all in all. As a result every 100 credits you wager on this Starburst slot will lead to you winning back at a total of 96.09 credits.