Review Category: Movie

Movie Review: The Eschatrilogy / Cert: TBC / Director: Damian Morter / Screenplay: Damian Morter / Starring: Stuart Wolfenden, Sarah Jane Honeywell, Sam Cullingworth, Damian Morter, Tim Mcgill Grieveson / Release Date: TBC

The affordability of film quality DSLR cameras over the past few years has opened the floodgates for any budding Orson Welles to gather their mates and make a cinematic mark. It is not often that anything of real quality surfaces, the majority aren’t worth the memory cards they are saved on. Fortunately, there has recently been a string of recent indie micro-budget films made in the UK that buck the trend. The Eschatrilogy, while not having the most original subject matter, shows that talent is out there waiting to be discovered.

The Eschatrilogy is an anthology film with three stories following the gradual demise of the human race at the hands of zombies, brought about by a demon, hell bent (sorry) on bringing about the destruction of the world as we know it. The stories themselves come from a book carried by Cal (writer/director Damian Morter), who has been travelling, observing the decline of humanity. He stumbles, quite literally, upon a hilltop camp, abandoned except for one survivor, a young man, Matthew (Grieveson). He reads the book while Cal has passed out, and learns how the world became full of monsters. The stories all have a very human basis, family and survival. Furthermore, as we have already seen from the wraparound section, they are also inevitably tragic. Characters, albeit in undead form, pass from story to story, providing a stronger link than your average portmanteau film, but, in turn, the tales lack the variety an anthology would normally provide.

Amongst the film’s major strengths is the locations, be it housing estates overrun with zombies, ruined farmhouses, or the glorious Yorkshire moors, and the stark contrast to the post apocalyptic framing sections, which would not look out of place in The Road. Most of the cast are newcomers and at times it does show, but everybody throws themselves into their parts, even when in danger of being upstaged by youngsters Fransesca Turton and Flynn Allen. A number of recognisable faces appear, however, particularly Stuart Wolfenden (Dead Man’s Shoes, Best Laid Plans) and Sarah Jane Honeywell (from children’s TV show Tikkabilla)

Everything is played deadly straight here, no Shaun of the Dead gags or in jokes, there is some surprisingly effective gore, but for the most part it is bleak and inevitably depressing. It is to Morter’s credit that this tone suits the film perfectly, and it could work just as well without the demon character, but that does, however, provide an iconic image for the publicity.

The brooding synth score, by Rob Wingfield, hearkens back to the films of the ’80s without being too derivative, although I may have recognised a nod to Rick Wakeman’s music from The Burning.

Perhaps the only negative aspect of the film is the use of zombies. Let’s face it, we are getting a bit zombied out now, but if you can allow yourself another bite of flesh, then it’s certainly worth it.

The film is expected to do the festival rounds over the next few months. Currently confirmed are Killer Film Fest (USA) and one in Worchestershire, both in November, and a Sunday afternoon slot at Manchester’s Grimmfest at the beginning of October. If you get the chance to check it out, make sure you do. A DVD release will no doubt follow later. In the meantime, check out the trailer and the official website.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Tower Block / Cert: 15 / Director: James Nunn, Ronnie Thompson / Screenplay: James Moran / Starring: Sheridan Smith, Jack O’Connell, Ralph Brown, Russell Tovey / Release Date: September 21st

A youngster is chased across outer London by two assailants in hoods, their faces covered. He runs into a tower block and is cornered in a corridor where he is beaten mercilessly. The residents ignore his cries for help and the crime going on outside their door as he is beaten to death. So begins Tower Block, which has an opening that feels ripped from the headlines that we face every day in ‘Broken Britain’. However Tower Block is mainly concerned with thrilling you, which it does efficiently and stylishly.

The police do some asking around but are met with silence and fear, the one girl left in the soon to be demolished block who dared to intervene (played by Sheridan Smith in what should be a breakout performance) even refuses to get involved despite wearing the scars of the ordeal on her face. Three months later, most of the residents have been re-housed apart from the very top floor, and on a Saturday morning like any other, someone starts taking pot shots through their windows with a high-powered sniper rifle.

Even if some of the characterisations are a little on the nose, Tower Block’s script does a good job of setting things up. Within fifteen minutes the dynamic of this group and the relationships have been fully fleshed out. We have the mysterious two flatmates who are possibly criminals but keep to themselves, the cockney wide-boy who fleeces protection money out of all of them, the middle-aged couple with the gaming addicted kid, the loner alcoholic and so on. As these characters are introduced it at first seems obvious who is going to die horribly, yet Tower Block takes consistently surprising turns. The film is teeth-clenchingly tense and suspenseful at times and you’re never quite sure where the next bullet is coming from; every time a door is opened you will find yourself slowly closing your eyes as the tension builds. Adding to the atmosphere is a wonderfully evocative electronic score which refuses to go all ‘urban’ on us the way that similarly themed films may do.

This movie has all the elements of being a new British breakout hit which is why it’s such a bit of a shame to report that the thing that works in its favour is also its biggest weakness. After the build-up the screenplay sadly has many characters making the most illogical of decisions just to propel the plot forward.

Small flaws aside Tower Block is thrilling and entertaining in all the right ways, and is definitely the kind of thing we should do more of in the UK.

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Movie Review: The Shadow of Death / Cert: TBC / Director: Gav Chuckie Steel / Screenplay: Gav Chuckie Steel / Starring: Dan Bone, Daniel Carter-Hope, Sophia Disgrace, Corinna Jane, Jane West / Release Date: TBC

There is no shortage of low budget independent films around nowadays, but one that has been gaining a fair amount of online buzz is The Shadow of Death.

The story follows a group of house mates – sensible Debra (Jane), computer geek Jamie (Jamie West) and stoner Nancy (Disgrace) – team up with their wise cracking, loser friend Dan (Carter-Hope) and head out into the local woods to “score some weed.” Unbeknownst to them, a madman is doing away with anyone who crosses his path in the most imaginative and increasingly inventive ways. Holed up in an abandoned cabin, the group’s only hope may come in the shape of a deluded local who fancies himself as a police man. The self-styled ‘Super Special Officer Cop’ Craven (Bone) of the Super Secret Police Force stumbles upon some human remains (“I’ve found a head – is it one of yours?”) and soon realises he’s out of his depth “Send Chuck Norris!”

Made on a shoestring budget, the film marks the début of Gav Chuckie Steel, who not only directed, but wrote the film and its music. We have become so used to low budget and DIY films in recent years that there is a certain expectation that, well let’s be honest, the end product will be crap and amateurish. It is to Steel’s credit that The Shadow of Death is neither. Despite only using domestic HD camcorders, the result is fantastic. Inventive use of angles, very gory and well executed practical FX and the post production work which gives it an over saturated ‘grindhouse’ look, suits the subject and settings perfectly, without falling into the usual traps of adding too many fake film scratches and pretending there are missing reels.
The characters grow on you. Personally, I hate the preoccupation with drugs, but I found myself even warming to the self-obsessed stoner played by Disgrace, an alternative model who appeared in the infamous Animal Soup (2009) and the oafish slacker Dan (Carter-Hope) whose banter becomes more bearable as you follow the character.

While the horror aspect of the story is nothing particularly new, the blend of humour and gore works really well, with some nice nods to the classics of the genre along the way, but at no time does it resort to copycat tactics or parody.

Hopefully the film will get picked up for distribution at some point, but even if that doesn’t happen, Steel has a great calling card for future work, and is certainly someone to watch in the future.

Despite not making it to the FrightFest screens, Steel and actor Dan Bone (Craven) made it down there, handing out flyers, info and even copies of the film, so if you saw them, do check the film out and support an incredibly talented independent film maker on the website for the film.

Expected Rating: 4 out of 10
Actual Rating:

Sinister / Cert: 15 / Director: Scott Derrickson / Screenplay: Scott Derrickson / Starring: Ethan Hawke, Juliet Rylance, James Ransone / Release Date: October 5th

The crown for the scariest film of the year so far goes to Sinister, which manages to create a crowd-pleasing, effective horror film as well as giving us a boogieman for a new generation.

True crime writer Ellison (Hawke) moves his family to a small town following up the disappearance of a young girl and hoping to score another bestseller in the process. Unbeknownst to his wife and daughter they move to the exact house where the girl’s family was executed before she vanished. Everything appears normal until Ellison finds a box of Super 8 home movies in the attic which show the family being murdered as well as others, sometimes decades apart. Through research he finds out that each executed family also had a young child that disappeared. Careful examination also reveals the presence of a dark, malevolent figure in the footage. Ellison becomes fixated on the mystery and his obsession soon puts his own family in danger.

Two things combine to make Sinister the scariest film since 2011’s Insidious. One is Derrickson’s gift for presenting us with surreal and disturbing images, a skill he had previously displayed in his last film The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Sinister is full of weird moments; the appearance of ‘Mr Boogie’ in a pool being one of them as well as the scene where the ghostly children dance around Ellison as he investigates a bump in the night. The other is the fact that home movies in and of themselves are inherently creepy especially in this day and age of programs like ‘Ghosts Caught on Camera’ you can’t help but look for something weird every time a projector is fired up. This would usually be enough to give a horror film a pass but then Derrickson paces his movie extremely well, building a palpable sense of dread and malevolence whilst never really leaving the single house location. There are jump scares here which are not telegraphed and never cheap, and they work perfectly in the context of the film.

The movie also has several moments of levity which are surprisingly hilarious; lots of great dialogue and Christopher Young’s score is worthy of mention, really adding to the overall feel of the piece with its electronic and vocal flourishes.

As good as the cast are the only bum note is Juliet Rylance as Ellison’s wife. She seems miscast and when delivering her lines doesn’t really convince. This is a minor complaint though as Sinister is one of the year’s best horror films and the beginning of a franchise that should run and run.

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Nightbreed – The Cabal Cut / Cert: 18 / Director: Clive Barker / Screenplay: Clive Barker / Starring: Craig Sheffer, David Cronenberg, Anne Bobby, Charles Haid / Release Date: TBC

Directors Cuts and Special Editions of films are more often than not complete rip offs and simply a marketing gimmick to get you to lay down 15 quid for a DVD. Mostly these versions consist of a mere minute or two of extra footage which usually consists of trimmed violence for ratings purposes. Sometimes though these versions are worthy of the tag and are a completely different film. Extended versions of Kingdom of Heaven, Payback and The Abyss are almost new films entirely and become near masterpieces in their full version as the director intended. So now we come to Clive Barker’s Nightbreed adapted from his own book Cabal and his directorial follow up to Hellraiser.

During its production Nightbreed was touted as the ‘Star Wars of monster movies’ and everyone who was seeing footage coming out in Fangoria (there was no internet then) were convinced that what they were going to see would be epic on a scale that Horror had not seen previously. Leading up to release there were tie in comics, books and a video game, all hallmarks of a modern blockbuster. Then the film came out disjointed, shallow and despite an intriguing concept and some nice make up nothing about it fully convinced. It was a disappointment to put it mildly but Clive Barker perhaps felt it more than anyone and would stay away from directing for about five years. The film was taken away in the editing stage by the producers who turned it into an abomination and tried to market the film as another slasher film; they were not convinced that the world was ready for a film where the heroes were the monsters. Despite this the cult of Nightbreed grew, the comic carried on for a few years (even at one time with The Wachowski Brothers as writers) and the film gained more and more fans on video and through showings on television. There were rumours of hours of extra footage, there were pictures of unseen creatures and make up effects but it was assumed that the footage was lost. Until recently…

The footage long thought lost and only available on VHS tapes turned up on a shelf in Clive Barker’s office and was spliced back into the film based on what footage they had and Barker’s written shooting script for the film. What we now have is Nightbreed – The Cabal Cut which premiered in a three hour extremely rough version earlier in the year. The film has since been edited down to a more digestible two hours and 30 minutes but the extra footage spliced in remains in a very rough VHS transfer quality. The process is on-going with the people behind this new version looking to gain the original negatives back from the studio so that they can do a new master for the DVD and Blu-ray release which is looking more and more likely thanks to the Occupy Midian campaign and fan interest.

So how is the film? Well even in its extremely rough form it’s everything we originally hoped it would be. What is clear from the new cut is that Nightbreed was way ahead of its time and despite the fashions being fairly late ‘80’s the film feels fairly timeless now. These days studios consider carefully which projects can go on to be a fantasy trilogy with dense mythology and think nothing of lengthy running times but back when Nightbreed was first conceived the same producers were not looking at trilogies or films that were over an hour and a half. One and done was pretty much the mantra back in these days.

The main differences between the old film and the new version are mainly what was present in the book. The characters are all fleshed out better and the relationship between Boone (Craig Sheffer) and Lori (Anne Bobby) is more of a focus rather than a token love interest, here it’s deeper and more felt than ever and the performers do great work. Decker the evil psychiatrist as played by David Cronenberg is much more of a menace in the new version, they have taken what was essentially a schizophrenic man controlled by a mask from the book and put this back in to the film which still works despite the poor sound quality of the voiceover. Doug Bradley as Lylesberg has also had the awful German accented overdub removed so that it is once again the actor’s voice and as a result, along with the extra footage, this becomes a much more compelling character. The main differences however occur in the finale and with the mythology, some of which would be played out in the comic book after the film’s release.

The siege on Midian goes on for roughly forty minutes, you glimpse a hell of a lot more creatures, you get a lot more internal conflict between characters who are killing the ‘freaks’ and people who died originally either don’t die at all or die in a completely different manner. What you also get is some of the mythology where the Nightbreed demi-god Baphomet declares Boone as Cabal and tasks him with finding them a new home, in the original cut this is limited to two confusing scenes but here it makes total sense and works towards giving the film a whole new and much more epic slant.

Even in its compromised form, Nightbreed was a major event in our youth. Seeing this new version is nothing short of revelatory for us and once the high quality re-mastered version is out there for all to see it will be revelatory for everyone else too, the extra footage is rough enough to just about hold us back from declaring this a masterpiece just yet. Had this version of the film been release in 1990 then it’s possible it would have changed cinema forever. The studio are still not convinced that the film has money making potential though, even though all this new acclaim is happening and fans are coming out of the woodwork. The film is playing the Grimmfest this October and other film festivals until the end of the year. See it, talk about it and sign the petition so that after 22 years, the film can get the release it deserves and gain a legion of new fans.

Expected Rating: 10 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Hidden in the Woods / Cert: TBC / Director: Patricio Valladares / Screenplay: Patricio Valladares / Starring: Agustin Aguero, Daniel Antivilo, Eric Bustos / Release Date: TBC

Before our screening of Hidden in the Woods began, the Chilean director and writer Patricio Valladares took to the stage and, in broken English, told us what we were about to see he thought was “Very funny”. What followed was something that represents both an alarming trend in recent horror films brought to its distastefully extreme conclusion and the fact that a certain faction of ‘horror fans’ have no clue what makes horror one of the best genre’s there is to tell a layered and compelling story. Now we’re no prudes, some of our favourite films are amongst the most controversial of all time and really pushed boundaries but Hidden in the Woods is a film that crossed a line for us.

We start off in the ‘80’s with a brutal drug dealer murdering his wife as his two daughters hide outside. We then move forward some ten years and the brutal father rapes his eldest daughter all the time and eventually she gives birth to some kind of mutant child which they hide in the shed. Then one day the drug dealer father gets in some hot water with his mafia bosses and ends up in prison, the mafia boss then turns his attention to tracking down the daughters using his goons as the two sisters and their deformed offspring head off to their father’s stash house in the forest, making money through prostitution and seemingly getting raped by everybody they come across and eventually somehow turning to cannibalism. Oh and eventually their dad gets out of prison and goes after his own daughters again.

Our problem with this movie is this; if you are going to celebrate extreme depravity then fine, celebrate it. Previous films like Hobo with a Shotgun have proven you can do this and make a coherent and entertaining film. On the other side if you are going to make a film that condemns poverty and incest in the countryside and show us the plight of these poor women then do that. You cannot flip flop between the two and this is what Hidden in the Woods does. We see horrific graphic rape scenes, followed by tender scenes between the sisters talking of escape as plinky plonky piano music plays on the soundtrack. Puzzlingly this is then followed by scenes where the camera lingers on their jiggling cleavages or their long bronzed legs. Worst of all there is a prostitution ‘spitting’ montage which follows these scenes which has to be seen to be believed. By not falling on either side of the fence, director Patricio Valladares just simply offends people, and it comes across as immature, juvenile and just awful.

All of this might be saved if anything in the film was actually well executed but sadly the film is just as poorly staged as its confused message. There is tons of violence but it’s never quite clear who is killing who and how, every time violence occurs, there is a spurt of blood and the cameraman seems to fall over. On top of this the subtitles were seemingly typed live as the film happened, there are countless spelling and grammar errors. These obviously didn’t need to happen in the era of multiple language spell-check functions, one or two would be forgivable but when you see the word “hooker” spelled “hoocker” about ten times all sympathy evaporates.

Hidden in the Woods is quite simply one of the worst films we have ever seen. If you are young, full of piercings and have inappropriate thoughts about your sister then you may enjoy some of it, the rest of you should avoid it like it’s on fire.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Before Dawn / Cert: TBC / Director: Dominic Brunt / Screenplay: Mark Illis / Starring: Dominic Brunt, Joanne Mitchell, Eileen O’Brien, Nicky Evans / Release Date: TBC

Life’s full of surprises. If you’d told me six months ago that I’d one day be watching a British zombie movie directed by and starring unlucky-in-love vet Paddy from TV soap Emmerdale I’d have told you to shut the Hell up whilst simultaneously beating you about the side of the head with a rolled-up, possibly moistened, copy of the TV Times. But God – and the movie industry – works in mysterious ways and so it is that, lo and behold, I’ve just watched a British zombie movie directed by and starring Dominic Brunt. He plays unlucky-in-love vet Paddy from TV soap Emmerdale, by the way. I love this job.

Who saw this coming? Self-confessed zombie movie junkie Dominic Brunt won’t be registering too highly on the radars of most Starburst readers – yet – and certainly his usual blue rinse TV audience would be mortified to see that nice Paddy chopping his way through a zombie apocalypse. But what we have here is another extraordinarily-effective low-budget British horror movie which, against any reasonable expectation, is directed with real flair and a pounding sense of urgency and a pinpoint-sharp inherent understanding of how to depict real horror in a real, recognisable environment. And real is the keyword here; Brunt’s juddering, restless camerawork gives the action an often-uncomfortable sense of believability as, at about the midway point, events spiral rapidly out of control, leaving behind the marital domestics of the disintegrating relationship between unemployed Alex (Brunt) and his high-flying wife Meg (Mitchell). We’re right there with Alex as he watches in stunned, baffled disbelief as his normal, if difficult life, turns into a living nightmare.

This is a tiny and intimate story, the end of the world writ small in the tale of a troubled young couple who leave their kids with Meg’s Mum and head for the hills for a healing countryside weekend. But the couple can’t see beyond their own insecurities and when Meg sets off for a before-dawn country run, she’s attacked by a raging, blood-drenched creature – with disastrous consequences when she finally manages to flee back to the couple’s holiday home. Before long Alex has to deal with horrors he can’t even begin to understand or cope with and the arrival of a refugee from what’s left of the outside world only serves to make a bad situation a damn sight worse.

Before Dawn puts the fear factor back into the zombie. God knows we’re all used to the shuffling, moaning hordes which populate the dozens of here-we-go-again zombie titles grinding along out there and we’re probably all a bit bored with the reanimated undead by now. The zombies of Before Dawn are absolutely bloody terrifying; these are ferocious, snarling rage machines, drenched in gore, unstoppable – they’re wild, rabid animals. Alex’s battle with one of them in the outhouse is the stuff of nightmares. Brunt’s camera ducks and dives, leaps and swerves, a pounding soundtrack accentuating the tirelessness of the zombie which just won’t die, dragging Alex out from cover when he hides under a car, and rising up even when he’s smashed in the head by a car jack. Brunt and writer Mark Illis seem to instinctively understand how to make zombies scary again and what seems like a convenient and unlikely story twist – the suggestion that once they’ve fed the zombies ‘reset’ to their normal human state – only makes them seem even more monstrous and inhuman. The last few minutes of Before Dawn are astonishingly powerful, bleakness taken to a whole new extreme, and the end credits roll over a scene so hauntingly-poignant you’ll most likely carry it with you for weeks.

To reveal much more about Before Dawn would be to ruin a zombie movie you really must seek out as a matter of some urgency. Despite its tiny budget it’s a stunningly confident and assured piece of work characterised by a smart and economic script, compelling and naturalistic performances from the two leads and bold, stylish, edgy direction. Dominic Brunt may be best-known as unlucky-in-love vet Paddy from TV soap Emmerdale – but something tells me that, on the evidence of Before Dawn, that’s not likely to be the case for much longer.

Before Dawn will premiere at the Film4 Frightfest horror festival in London over the August Bank Holiday weekend.

Expected Rating: 5 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Movie Review: V/H/S / Director: Ti West, Adam Wingard, Glenn McQuaid, Joe Swanberg, David Bruckner, Radio Silence / Screenplay: Ti West, Glenn McQuaid, David Bruckner, Radio Silence / Starring: Calvin Reeder, Lane Hughes, Adam Wingard, Hannah Fierman / UK Release Date: TBC / US Release Date: (VOD) August 31st, (limited theatrical) October 5th

After an acclaimed run of the festival circuit, the ‘found footage’ film every horror fan has been waiting for is about to hit screens. Stories of audience members being treated by paramedics and others fleeing from the screening sound like William Castle-style ballyhoo, but has at least guaranteed interest. But does it live up to the hype?…

A group of thugs, whose idea of fun is filming their mindless vandalism and sexually abusing women are paid to break into an old man’s house and steal a videocassette. When they are faced with a pile of tapes, they begin to watch some to try to find the right one. Thus is the lead in to the separate stories, played out anthology style, in the film. Each segment is handled by a different director and writing team, and each were given free rein over their subject and style, but with the stipulation that they all look home made.

Some sections work better than others, the wraparound story, Tape 56, directed by and starring Adam (A Horrible Way To Die) Wingard has its moments once the gang enter the house to find the tape. Amateur Night (David Bruckner) is fantastic, scary stuff and one of only two of the tales that you believe the camera would still be rolling and capturing the horror, due to where it’s placed. Hannah Fierman is brilliant and incredibly creepy, and it will certainly make you think twice when picking up girls who say they like you. Ti West’s Second Honeymoon is satisfactory, but nothing too special, but does feature a great acting turn by fellow director Joe Swanberg. Tuesday The 17th (Glenn McQuaid) is a love letter to the slasher film but features some very annoying ‘video’ drop-out effects which look far too digital than the analogue ones we were used to back in the day, and is probably the weakest and most clichéd of the bunch. The Sick Thing That Happened To Emily When She Was Younger (directed by Swanberg) not only features the biggest mouthful of a title but diverges from the hand held format by playing out through a series of Skype style web chats. 10/31/98 (written and directed by a collective called Radio Silence) brings the film to a close in style, when a Halloween party does not go as planned. Amazing – and surprising – effects are this section’s strongest draw.

There are a few minor quibbles that stop this being a complete success. At just under 2 hours, it is a little too long, especially as the majority of the film is hand held and very shaky. For the most part, you could completely believe you were watching video tape footage, although as mentioned, there are some moments when the glitches are just not the same as you’d get on a chewed up or oft copied tape. It would have looked better (and more authentic) in good old 4:3 TV ratio, as that is the type of TV the videos are hooked up to. Furthermore, wouldn’t the Skype call be more likely to have been saved on disc rather than tape? Minor piffles, we know, but valid nevertheless. The aforementioned incidents at some screenings more likely were down to the shaky camera movements than on-screen gore or suspense, but it has its moments, and doesn’t shy away from being gruesome.

No doubt it is in the home that this would be best enjoyed, unless, of course, you want to succumb to seizures or vomit-inducing dizziness.

Expected Rating: 9 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Family weddings, eh? You always have that one embarrassing uncle who drinks too much, throws up and then starts munching on the other guests. Oh, hang on a minute…

In a stark departure from the first two movies in the series, Genesis moves the action to a wedding where, after the nuptials have been completed, everyone moves onto the reception. The handheld camera format that you expect from this franchise ends after the party erupts into chaos, being overrun with blood thirsty ghouls, making way for a more common cinematography technique instead.

The main story involves the bride Clara (Dolera) and groom Koldo (Martin) getting separated and trying to find each other again, whilst trying to avoid getting bitten at the same time. But far from being a helpless heroine, Clara finds a way to overcome her fears and fight her way back towards her husband. Equally, Koldo battles his way through the undead hordes to save his wife. Friends and family members are being turned by the dozen and there are some suitably nasty moments of dismemberment and gore, but something feels different here. It doesn’t truly feel like a REC movie, probably due to the different camera style. There are attempts at dark humour, some of which work well, including the poster moments involving Clara and a chainsaw and Koldo becoming a literal knight in shining armour.

However, whereas the original films felt understandably claustrophobic, the transition of this entry to a larger arena seems to make this movie a big game of hide and seek. The darkness of the apartment block has made way for brightly lit corridors and an underused reception room which is illuminated by the usual DJ lighting. Even an underground access tunnel could have been put to better use. Considering the fact that we are supposed to feel a real connection to the newlyweds, it seems strange that there is little in the way of tension or suspense regarding their quest to find each other. When you remember the breathless feeling you had when watching the original film, and that this is written and directed by one of the creators, this feels more like a sequel in name only.

There is some heartbreak involved, but even this seems to have been added in an almost throwaway fashion. You’ll see a lot of worse zombie films than this, but for such a well-loved series, this feels like a misstep.

Review: Expendables 2 / Cert: 15 / Director: Simon West / Screenplay: Richard Wenk, Sylvester Stallone / Starring: Stallone, Statham, Li, Lundgren, Norris, Van Damme, Willis, Schwarzenegger, Couture, Hemsworth (Liam), Charisma Carpenter / Release Date: Out Now 

Arnold Schwarzenegger is back. Should you be in any doubt about that fact, The Expendables 2 tells you every five minutes. Yes, we heard you the first five times you said it, Arnie. 

The first film, despite a world of promise and goodwill, was one of the most disappointing movies of 2010. Its much-vaunted threesome between Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Willis blew its load within five minutes; the trio’s one scene together completely spoiled by the trailers. Thankfully, their involvement in The Expendables 2 is much more hands-on. Arnold Schwarzenegger rips the door off a Smart car. The Governator is indeed back. And by the end of the film, you’ll be fed up of hearing it. 

Still, Willis, Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris’s screentime amounts to little more than glorified (but very fun) cameos. The film still belongs to Sly Stallone and his crack team of veteran soldiers. When dastardly criminal Jean Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme, geddit) steals a very dangerous nuclear Macguffin, he incurs the wrath of The Expendables. All but Mickey Rourke are back from the first film, although Jet Li disappears after a mere ten minutes.

People coming and going without warning is the most jarring aspect of the film. Were these real characters, people would be decrying the film as nonsensical. But they’re not. In the context of the film, it makes perfect sense for Chuck Norris to saunter down the street (to a bit of Ennio Morricone, because of course), make a Chuck Norris joke and saunter off again. Given the size of the cast and the egos involved, it’s astonishing that the film manages to give everyone a moment to shine. Once more, Terry Crews steals every scene without even really trying. Even the most expendable Expendable, Randy Coutre is fun. After the glum gunfights of the first film, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves more here. It’s a shame Li isn’t around for the whole shebang – his brief fight scene in the opening moments is one of the film’s best. And while Dolph Lundgren is again the most interesting of the team, it’s their villain who emerges the biggest success story.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is the best thing about The Expendables 2. He’s revelatory as Vilain, displaying the same comic chops as in his wonderful Coors adverts. Even beyond the comedic elements, his showdown with Stallone is everything you would have hoped for from an Expendables film. Action films aren’t usually within our remit, but this sequel is so silly, so gory and so fun that we couldn’t help but commend it. It’s essentially The Avengers anyway, remade with granddads and tramps.

The Expendables 2 is a vast improvement upon its predecessor, however flawed. It may have the worst acting of any film this year, and the plot is atrocious, but it’s a lot of fun (I refer you to Schwarzenegger and the Smart car). However, if the constant puns on Arnie’s comings and goings are anything to go by, it’s proof that a joke can be too ironic.

There will, we’re sure, be a sequel. They’ll be back.

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating: