Review: The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey / Cert: 12A / Director: Peter Jackson / Screenplay: Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson, Guillermo del Toro / Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Ken Stott, Graham McTavish, William Kircher, James Nesbitt, Stephen Hunter / Release Date: December 13th

What may have been an unexpected journey for Bilbo Baggins of Bag End, some of us have been anticipating for a very long time. They couldn’t leave Peter Jackson’s phenomenally successful trilogy untouched, surely? Not when J.R.R. Tolkien already had the prequel ready and waiting. 

It may have taken almost ten years and whole lot of speculation and wonder, but Jackson has finally returned to that well for a second trilogy of Middle-earth movies. Freeman is the young Bilbo Baggins, dragged from his comfortable fireside complacency into a world of danger, fear, goblins and a Gollum. When Gandalf the Grey (a role Sir Ian McKellen slips back into like an old slipper) comes knocking at his door one fine morning (a matter of some contention with the wizard) poor Bilbo’s world is turned upside down. No sooner has he turned the wizard away than Bilbo is visited by thirteen Dwarves and the threat of adventure.

Gandalf and his Dwarves are tremendously condescending to Bilbo, given the mighty task they’re asking him to undertake (break into a mountain to battle a dragon) but he’s a game sort of chap, especially given his predilection for the quiet life. Led by Dwarf royalty Thorin Oakenshield (a noble but slightly ridiculous Richard Armitage) Bilbo, Gandalf and the Dwarves undertake a quest into the darker depths of Middle-earth from which none of them are guaranteed to return. Note that we said darker there, and not darkest. Compared to the trek at the heart of The Lord of the Rings, this seems like a doddle – like nipping to the shops for a pint of milk. The film’s tone reflects that – the Middle-earth of The Hobbit is a cheerier, more colourful place to live, its inhabitants more fun to be around. Remember how Gimli was the most fun character in The Lord of the Rings? Well, the Dwarves in The Hobbit are like thirteen little Gimlis – each one a joy to watch. All are infused with character and an instantly recognisable look (even from a distance). It’s admirable that the film effectively has fifteen main characters but never feels crowded or as though it’s wasting any of them. Most notable of the Dwarves are James Nesbitt (surprisingly not annoying), Aiden Turner (the hunky dwarf) and Ken Stott (buried beneath heaps of make-up, but still very recognisable). Martin Freeman does a good job as Bilbo, even if he can’t help but slip into his ‘Tim from The Office’ face every now and then. And then obviously, Sir Ian and Andy Serkis steal every scene in which they appear.

There’s some competition there, though. There’s a cameo from Christopher Lee’s Saruman, Sylvester McCoy as hippy wizard Radagast the Brown, and Dame Edna Everage herself, Barry Humphries as The Great Goblin. There’s no shortage of gruesome and grisly looking creatures in The Hobbit, all thanks to some very inventive character design work. And, with a stunningly crisp picture and very real 3D, those monsters literally seem to leap out from the screen at you. Unlike most 3D films, The Hobbit has a good story at its heart and a world that would feel immersive even without the gimmick. And then there’s the little matter of the frame rate. Shot at 48fps for a faster, clearer look, The Hobbit looks mostly incredible. There are times when it causes the CGI to look that little bit more unreal, the environments more artificial – but overall, it works. This Middle-earth, before the rot of Sauron and Saruman set in, is supposed to look magical and somewhat unreal. The image has been softened and diffused too, for that Fairy Tale look. The Bilbo vs Gollum ‘Riddles in the Dark’ scene feels every bit as iconic as it should. There’s much debate to be had regarding the use of higher frame rates, but Peter Jackson has proven himself an artist capable of using the tool to great effect.

Inevitably, condensing a smaller book like The Hobbit into a nine-hour trilogy leads to some narrative problems. An Unexpected Journey feels somewhat incomplete and unsatisfying – as though the story isn’t epic enough to justify its length. Still, there is some emotional heft towards the end, a nice character arc for Bilbo, and some truly awesome action sequences. Aside from a talkier bit in the middle, the film barely stops for breath – hitting its stride with the Goblin mountain and Gollum’s riddles. Ultimately, it’s a good old-fashioned man-on-a-mission movie, only with Dwarves and Orcs instead of commandos and Nazis.

Granted, Bilbo Baggins’ Unexpected Journey may not have been an entirely vital one, but we’re glad he’s undertaken it anyway, for old times’ sake.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actua Rating:

Review: The Man with the Iron Fists / Cert: 18 / Director: RZA / Screenplay: RZA, Eli Roth / Starring: RZA, Russell Crowe, Lucy Liu / Release Date: Out Now

RZA (of Wu-Tang Clan fame) is a renowned fan of Kung Fu movies, and this love is reflected in his directorial debut, a hyperactive grasshopper of a film that bounces between highs and lows while delivering a lot of fun and some spirited martial arts violence.

In the mythical Jungle Village, a blacksmith (RZA) forges weapons for the different clans who live there. But when the clans get wind of a gold transfer from their ruler, all hell breaks loose and they end up scrapping for the troublesome treasure. With the safety of the village threatened, the blacksmith steps into the fray himself.

Visually and soundwise (thanks to a razor-sharp score), the ensuing set-pieces bear more than a passing resemblance to RZA’s music videos. But they’re enlivened considerably by a cast of colourful characters, each with his or her own fighting style, wicked weaponry and memorable moniker. Lucy Liu brings a graceful feistiness to her role as madam of the Pink Blossom Brothel, Russell Crowe is clearly having fun as Jack Knife, spouting filthy dialogue with great relish (albeit in a wavering British accent). As Brass Body, Dave Bautista doesn’t have much to say, but his bulky physical presence works well, as do the SFX that turn his skin to metal. Meanwhile, RZA (co-scripting with Eli Roth) uses his undoubted skill at penning lyrics to come up with some zinging lines of dialogue. Throw in a pleasing old-school aesthetic (yellow subtitles!), and this is more than just a bloated vanity project.

On the downside, The Man with the Iron Fists suffers from a Tarantino rip-off vibe, and it sags in the middle as a result of the tyro director’s determination to pack in as many genre tropes as possible. It’s understandable that, given a shot at making a Kung Fu homage, RZA should feel the need to include everything he loves about such films, but it’s also a bit of a problem. Still, the gory, blood-splattered revenge story comes good at the end, and this long-cherished project fulfils many of its aspirations.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Life of Pi / Cert: PG / Director: Ang Lee / Screenplay: David Magee / Starring: Suraj Sharma, Irrfan Khan, Adil Hussain / Release Date: December 20th

After defeating several directors, Yann Martel’s hugely popular novel seemed likely to be consigned to the pile of books marked “unfilmable”. But it has now been brought to the screen intact by director Ang Lee and writer David Magee, and the result is one of the most visually stunning and affecting movies of the year.

The Pi of the title is Piscine Patel, who grows up in India with his family, who run a zoo. Due to failing finances, they are forced to move lock, stock and barrel to Canada, and en route the ship and most of the animals are sunk, leaving Pi alone on a lifeboat with a zebra, hyena, orangutan and worryingly, a Bengal tiger named Richard Parker. Pi has to survive on his wits and avoid the tiger’s clutches whilst learning something about himself along the way.

Similar to what Scorsese did with Hugo, Ang Lee uses 3D as a tool and each frame is designed to make the most of the format. It’s beautiful and stunning in a way that few films manage, with hallucinatory and beguiling sequences both on the sea and under it. Add to this a bunch of seamless CG animals, and you’re talking a serious visual effects Academy Award contender here.

Visuals are one thing, but a film has to have substance to back it up. Life of Pi has a riveting story that works best if you haven’t read the book. It’s a plot that will spark conversation and debate about the important things in life, and you walk out of the film feeling that your world has been changed somehow. There is a touching essential truth at the heart of this film, and Ang Lee makes sure that you feel what the characters feel through his assured direction and two remarkable lead performances by newcomer Suraj Sharma and Irrfan Khan as the younger and older Pi respectively. Lest you think this all sounds a bit heavy-going, rest assured there are plenty of lighter moments, and altogether Life of Pi is a miraculous achievement.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: May I Kill U? / Cert: 15 / Director: Stuart Urban / Screenplay: Stuart Urban / Starring: Kevin Bishop, Jack Doolan, Frances Barber / Release Date: January 11th 2013

Ross Noble as a murderous clown in Stitches. Keith Chegwin and Joe Pasquale victims in a slasher movie called Kill Keith. That other, no less socially unacceptable Keith (Lemon) headlining an actual movie. Yep, what with one thing and another, it’s been a strange year for British cinema. Most unlikely of all, though, is May I Kill U? which stars cuddly comedian Kevin Bishop as a crazed and dangerous vigilante police officer.

It’s hard to picture Kevin Bishop (Grange Hill!) as a crazed and dangerous anything (although he did throw a bottle at the cast of The Inbetweeners once, at some comedy awards), but he does a surprisingly sterling job of portraying unsettled, angry Barry Vartis, a constable who receives a rather nasty bang on the head when he is knocked off his bike by a gang of uncouth youths. It’s not exactly RoboCop, but this injury spurs him on to unleash his own brand of justice upon the criminals of London. His gimmick: uploading his kills and murderous diatribes online, where he becomes a minor hero.

With its dodgy title, unconventional leading man and graffiti logo (never a good sign) May I Kill U? could have gone horribly wrong. Any doubts are soon allayed, however, in an opening which sees Bishop brutally smash in a kid’s face with a flat-screen TV. Broad spoofery this is not. Watch the film expecting zany broad comedy a la Star Stories or The Kevin Bishop Show, and you’ll be sorely disappointed. Funny as it is, the story is played surprisingly straight at times. Bishop, bless him, seems to be trying his hardest to deliver a “real” performance, but he does so using his Ross Kemp voice from The Kevin Bishop Show. He’s not always convincing, but he is a likeable if bizarre presence, playing a polite British Maniac Cop – and he’s certainly moved on from lampooning Elton John and Gordon Ramsay. Then there’s a terrifying Frances Barber, who transforms the film into something horrible. Playing Baz’s hypochondriac alcoholic mother, Barber is simply vile. Bishop’s scenes with her are shockingly saddening and real. This, combined with the film’s black – but frequently funny – humour, sudden acts of violence and clever integration of social media, makes May I Kill U? something more than immediately disposable British comedy.

May I Kill U? is not at all what you might expect it to be. It’s witty, snappily directed, surprisingly dark and unexpectedly sad at times. This very English Bad Lieutenant is a Trending Topic U really should keep your eye on.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: The Collection / Director: Marcus Dunstan / Screenplay: Marcus Dunstan, Patrick Dunstan / Starring: Randall Archer Josh Stewart, Emma Fitzpatrick, Christopher McDonald / Release Date: Out Now (US), TBC (UK)

Rarely does a sequel live up to its predecessor, but the director/writing team of Dunstan and Patrick have crafted a well thought out, tense film, more than worthy of 2009’s The Collector.

Our heroine, Elena (Fitzpatrick), who is partially hearing impaired, and her friends decide to partake in an underground rave in a deserted warehouse that the Collector has set innovative death-traps for the hapless partygoers. Why? Because he’s the disturbed psychotic he is!

With Elena, being the lone survivor, she stumbles upon a large, steamer trunk and before you can say, “What’s in the box?” in your best Brad Pitt imitation, Arkin (Stewart), the professional thief who met an ambiguous end in the first film, stumbles out warning her to run for her life.

Arkin barely escapes resulting in a broken arm from a fall along with multiple contusions and abrasions as the sinister, masked Collector glares at him having lost one prize, but gained another in Elena.

Recuperating in hospital, Arkin is persuaded by Elena’s millionaire father (McDonald) to lead a group of mercenaries to bring her back as he has knowledge of where The Collector’s chamber of horrors is. Reluctantly, Arkin, nursing a broken arm complete with cast, agrees to do so and this is when the hunt for the villain in his deadly maze begins as the group sets out to rescue Elena before she becomes part of his gruesome collection.

Fitzpatrick and Stewart turn in top-notch performances while working under some heavy conditions in the film. Both had done a majority of their own stunts adding to the realism of being pursued by the Collector who seem to always be one step behind them. 

Actress Erin Way, as Abby turns in an excellent performance as The Collector’s slave doll discovered by Elena that was locked in another trunk in a room designed for a little girl. A creepy role to begin with, is Abbey to be trusted as she leads Elena to a safe way out to freedom or is she as mad as a hatter leading Elena to her death?

Cinematography by Sam McCurdy is outstanding and atmospheric, along with music by Charlie Clouser whose score adds tension to the film’s chilling moments.

The Collection is a cornucopia of inspired traps and there’s no shortage of blood and guts to please the gorehound crowd.

Expected Rating: 5 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 / Cert: 12A / Director: Bill Condon / Screenplay: Melissa Rosenberg / Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner / Release Date: Out Now

Say what you like about Twilight… no, seriously, say what you like about Twilight. It doesn’t care what you think, and neither does its fans.

The final chapter in Stephenie Meyer’s indomitable franchise steamrolls into cinemas, two fingers raised (and not in a V for Victory or Peace Out kind of way) to those snobs who looked down upon every Twilight film with disgust and disdain. It’s here, the fans are going to love it, and it’s going to make an incredible amount of money. And all the time, its actors are as horrible as ever, the characters annoying, the script terrible. “We’re the same temperature now,” sparkly vampire Edward Cullen says to his new bride, “it’s your turn not to break me.”

Now a sparkly vampire herself, we find Bella coming to terms with her newly gained superpowers and the blood lust which comes with them. There’s a hilarious moment at the start of the film in which Bella runs at super speed through the forest, scales a mountain to (nearly) kill a rock climber and then slaughters a poor mountain lion instead. Then, back to the old homestead where she coos over baby Renesmee, beats up Jacob and punches a wolf into a tree. Angry vampire Bella is just as annoying as silly submissive Bella, although it does give us the opportunity to see Kristen Stewart shout things like “you nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness monster?” while Robert Pattinson looks on, constipated. It may be rubbish, but at least it’s entertaining rubbish.

Things don’t fare much better for Team Jacob. Werewolf Jake has gotten over his obsession with Bella and is now in love with her infant daughter instead. You say ‘imprint’, we say ‘grooming’. Team Edward takes the fact that Jacob has moved on from hitting on his wife to instead hitting on his baby daughter incredibly well. But then, this is an emotionally abusive 107 year old who likes watching girls as they sleep – those who live in glass houses really shouldn’t throw stones.

Elsewhere, the looming threat of war between the Cullens and the Volturi threatens to upset Bella and Edward’s wedded bliss. This at least gives Michael Sheen the chance to steal every scene in which he appears (not difficult given the competition) and for the story to progress (slightly) beyond teenage angst and moody pouting. All the time, the terrifying CGI baby ages closer and closer to legality for Jacob and a hideous soft rock soundtrack accompanies every awkward sex scene. The series may finally have gotten rid of the purity rings, but True Blood this ain’t. It might have the emotional abuse and the imbecile heroine, but it’s not even 50 Shades of Grey.

Ultimately, and like every other film in the series, Breaking Dawn Part 2 is review proof. It’s melodramatic, stupid and uneventful, but it serves its target audience very well (as well as the ‘ironic’ crowd looking for a laugh). Like Edward and Bella’s love for one another, the Twilight series is a celebration of mediocrity. There is literally nothing any of us can do to halt its astonishing popularity. You’ve almost got to admire its tenacity.

Expected Rating: 4 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Wreck-It Ralph / Cert: PG / Director: Rich Moore / Screenplay: Phil Johnson, Jennifer Lee / Starring: John C. Reilly, Sarah Silverman, Jack McBrayer / Release Date: February 15th 2013

In a similar manner to the childhood playthings in Pixar’s Toy Story, the computer game characters in Wreck-It Ralph come to life while no one else is watching; it’s only when the lights are switched off in the arcade game centre that their true personalities are revealed. You see, in the game world of Fix-It Felix, Jr., Ralph may be the bad guy, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he is a bad guy.

Ralph rampages through the town of Niceville with his freakishly big hands, whilst young Felix gets all the glory by fixing stuff with his golden hammer. After years of not being accepted by the residents of the town, Ralph is sent over the edge when he isn’t invited to the 30th Anniversary party for his game (even Pac-Man gets an invite). Ralph sets out to prove his bad guy status doesn’t define him and goes on the hunt for a golden medal by sneaking into the game Hero’s Duty.

Three different games are explored here – the first, Fix-It Felix, Jr., a mash-up of coin-op classics Donkey Kong and Rampage, with 8-bit graphics; the second, a Halo-style shoot-’em-up that introduces a fierce character programmed with a tragic backstory; and finally Sugar Rush, which is a mash-up of Mario Kart and Willy Wonka’s factory. The decision to continue the story in Sugar Rush after first treating the viewer to these other excellent games – and a behind-the-scenes computer game world full of cameos galore – is one of this movie’s major flaws. This is where the film takes a turn from appealing to gamers, and the fun of the first half is lost as the focus shifts to targeting the younger kids in the audience.

So much attention to detail has gone into the animation in all of the games, it seems a shame not to utilise them a little more, but there’s still plenty to enjoy in this sugar-coated world. Each game provides a vibrantly contrasting palette and introduces some fun characters. Much humour comes from the initial set-up, including a Bad-Anon villain support group that Ralph attends along with Dr. Robotnik, Zangief and some classic arcade game villains. And many of the new faces are very winning, such as the lugubrious Sour Bill (voiced by the director), and the mischievous glitch Vanellope von Schweetz (Silverman), who strikes up a friendship with Ralph. It’s this relationship which provides the impetus for the second half of the film, and with it come a message about the importance of being yourself, even if that means not pleasing everybody.

Music is a vital aspect of games, and Henry Jackman’s score is well conceived, with each game having a distinct sound. Inclusion of Rihanna’s Shut Up and Drive in a montage scene feels completely out of place, though, and the Wreck-It Ralph theme tune, which is a complete delight, has to wait until the final credits for a proper airing.

Though the storyline wanes towards the second half, shifting gears from fun to formulaic, the many well-crafted visuals, gamer in-jokes and the exceptionally engaging central character (voiced by an extremely well-cast John C. Reilly) make this an enjoyable entertainment for kids. Meanwhile, adults will respond strongly to Wreck-It Ralph‘s nostalgic appeal, despite the film sometimes feeling like a wasted opportunity.

Expected rating: 9 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Rise of the Guardians / Cert: PG: / Director: Peter Ramsey / Screenplay: David Lindsay-Abaire / Starring: Hugh Jackman, Alec Baldwin, Isla Fisher, Chris Pine, Jude Law / Release Date: November 30th

William Joyce’s Guardians of Childhood series of books is split between the picture books for the little ones and the novels for the slightly older child. The first movie to be made from these books, Rise of the Guardians is stuck between these two audiences so has to appeal to both and is ultimately a lesser film because of this.

Starting with a beautiful scene of Jack Frost (Chris Pine) being born under the ice and discovering his powers, 300 odd years later he is contacted by North (Alec Baldwin) a Santa like figure, the Easter Bunny (Hugh Jackman), the tooth fairy (Isla Fisher) and the silent Sandman. The man in the moon has brought these figures of folklore together because the previously vanquished ‘Boogeyman’ Pitch (Jude Law) is back and looking to bring about another dark age of nightmares with children believing only in the darkness. What follows is a series of battles and visits to each mythical being’s homeland with some wonderful details and a nice message about believing in yourself.

So much of Rise of the Guardians is great. There is none of the pop culture references that instantly date most of DreamWorks’ output instead there are several magical scenes of world building, with North’s workshop, Tooth fairy’s sanctuary and Easter Bunny’s strange green world and some wonderful details and sight gags that will raise a smile in both adults and kids. On top of this are some brilliant action sequences like a race to retrieve the worlds lost teeth when tooth fairy’s minions are taken out by Pitch, this involves a lunatic race with North and Easter Bunny using their preferred chimney/rabbit hole method of travel and the effect is exhilarating – especially in 3D. The battles with Pitch are also very reminiscent of recent super-hero power battles seen on screen and pretty impressive.

So what ultimately holds the film back is the fact that at a certain point part way through, the film tilts on the edge of either being quite a dark kid’s movie or a saccharine feel good kids film and decides to go the saccharine route and keeps going, and going. I understand the central theme is about belief, so belief in our heroes had to come into play at some point but the kids they stick in as the ones who are chosen to re-ignite this belief are such cyphers having had the minimal of development in the film and ultimately all the good work is undone because of a finale that feels forced.

Despite this minor complaint, Rise of the Guardians is a further step in the right direction for DreamWorks and good old fashioned fun for all the family.

Expected Rating: 9 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Robot & Frank / Cert: 12A / Director: Jake Schreier / Screenplay: Christopher D. Ford / Starring: Frank Langella, Peter Sarsgaard, Susan Sarandon / Release Date: March 8th 2013

The times they are a-changin’ and grumpy ex-jewel thief Frank (Langella) is not coping with the influx of new technology and his deteriorating mind. Sometime in the near future robots are replacing humans and Frank has been given what he thinks is a robot butler by his son to help out around the house.

Though Robot (voiced by Peter Sarsgaard) is never given a name by Frank, he is humanised by him. Frank trains him to pick locks, making him an accomplice to some heists and eventually embracing him as a welcome companion – a buddy movie premise that works well, with the duo overcoming initial disagreements in a comical fashion, and Robot becoming the calm voice of reason to the frustrated and furious oldster, who does not react kindly to the discipline of a health regime implemented by the machine.

Sarsgaard has pure comic timing and the soothing tone of his voice is such that you can’t help but laugh when he delivers lines like “Do not molest me!” The chemistry between Frank and Robot is entirely winning, and works because of the strong central performance from Langella, his cantankerous charm contrasting nicely with Sarsgaard’s deadpan humour. In this he’s helped by a well-written script that does not patronise but instead explores the pair’s odd-couple relationship in a thoughtful manner. There is also keen direction from Jake Schreier, who plays with physical comedy to great effect – a robot, with a hoodie on, popping his head out of foliage is just a funny thing to behold!

Frank spends much time at the library, quenching his thirst for knowledge and flirting with librarian Jennifer (Sarandon), who is due to be replaced by a bow-tie wearing box of a robot called Mr. Darcy. Meanwhile, the library itself is being transformed into an Abercrombie & Fitch-esque place of learning, with emphasis on style and youth appeal, by rich hipster Jake (whose character is the only flaw in the movie; a cartoon villain played with over-the-top malevolence).

Emulating the obsession with robots in various ’80s movies, the film brings to mind Short Circuit, where friendship between man and machine is touching and a little cheeky. There are also hints of Silent Running, with Robot’s preoccupation with growing a garden and Frank’s desperation at preserving the artificial life source who has now become his friend. There is some great interplay between all of the characters, but an especially brilliant moment involves the meeting of Mr. Darcy and Robot, punctuated with the expression “I’m functioning normally” – a phrase that no human could ever use with a straight face.

There’s something extremely satisfying about watching a film that has put so much thought into what it is to suffer from dementia and begin to lose your memory. It questions what it is to be human in a sweet, smart and funny way. It will make you smile, laugh and perhaps shed a tear. A sci-fi comedy that brings all of its robotic parts together to make one big, heart-warming whole.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actual Rating:

Review: Red Dawn / Director: Dan Bradley / Screenplay: Carl Ellsworth, Jeremy Passmore / Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson, Adrianne Palicki, Isabel Lucas, Connor Cruise, Edwin Hodge, Brett Cullen, Alyssa Diaz, Julian Alcaraz, Will Yun Lee, Jeffrey Dean Morgan / Release Date: March 15th

The original Red Dawn was an improbable bit of 80’s nostalgia where a group of teenagers (Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen among them) went up against an invading army of para-trooping Russians on our own home soil. The film was dumb even by 80’s standards, best remembered for brat packers screaming “Wolverines!” each time a Commie was killed.

You would think nearly 30 years after its release someone would figure out how to make this material compelling, but no. Screenwriters Carl Ellsworth and Jeremy Passmore simply switched out the invading force (Koreans instead of Russians) and left in everything else that made the first film a goofy exercise in homegrown patriotism. Now a group of trendy young adults get to scream “Wolverines!” each time a Korean baddie is killed.

Red Dawn deals with two brothers (Chris Hemsworth and Josh Peck) who must put their differences aside and rally their friends together when a North Korean army air drops into Spokane, Washington and starts doing the things that invading armies do (see American military history for reference).  Apparently they got their hands on one wicked EMP (electromagnetic pulse) device that knocked out cable and internet service across the country.  Without any access to digital porn, these over-aged highschoolers quickly montage into a competent fighting force and give the Koreans a run for their money, adopting the name Wolverines from their football team.

This reviewer is convinced that if America ever really was invaded, most people wouldn’t care so long as they could continue to shop at Best Buy and drink Starbucks coffee. Director Dan Bradley (a former stuntman) makes absolutely no effort to create a realistic scenario for the players involved, or the audience. Instead he resides himself to overly familiar stock screenplay characters without any charisma or story arcs and spends much of the time blowing up a greater portion of Spokane. Seriously, would anyone really miss Spokane?

This pointless remake has had a long gestation period. Originally completed in 2009, the film was shelved for three years and had its invading force change from the Chinese to the Koreans in order to maintain access for an international release. Regardless of the villains, the film remains an incompetent series of badly shot action set pieces and character scenes that are better suited to direct to DVD fare rather than soiling up cinema houses worldwide.

If Red Dawn featured X-Men’s Wolverine instead of the Wolverines we might have had a bit of popcorn fun. As it stands, Red Dawn is a film best left un-invaded.