Review Category: Movie

MOVIE REVIEW: NYMPH / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: MILAN TODOROVIC / SCREENPLAY: VARIOUS / STARRING: FRANCO NERO, KRISTINA KLEBB, NATALIE BURN / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

As good as a film about a killer mermaid can possibly be, Milan Todorovic’s Nymph sees a gang of college friends reuniting on an idyllic Mediterranean holiday, only to find themselves beset by a deranged fisherman played by Franco Nero and a pissed off Little Mermaid.

It’s a bonkers premise, and the writing and direction do little to make it respectable. It’s fine as long as the titular nymph remains unseen, her pet fisherman doing her dirty work. Beyond that, it’s… well, it’s a film about a killer mermaid. Todorovic’s telling of the tale isn’t going to win Nymph any Oscars, but he’s talented enough nevertheless to elevate the film well above the level of the Syfy crap it could have been. Even more impressive, once you stop to consider that this is an independently funded film (helped out by a Serbian catering company!) that looks a good deal more beautiful than most mainstream studio pictures.

Starring a host of pretty young actors and actresses (plus a grizzled Nero as a fish fetishizing version of Dracula’s Renfield) and utilising a series of gorgeous locations, it’s never anything less than lovely to look at. It sounds great too, in a high camp Eurovision sort of way. Where it falters (beyond, you know, the mermaid) is in Todorovic’s decision to have his actors speak in English instead of his native Serbian. This makes the dialogue come across as stilted, the actors vaguely uncomfortable. You can see why the decision has been made – a killer mermaid movie is a hard enough sell without subtitles – but it only highlights the many unintentionally comedic moments. Furthermore, it takes too long to get going, and the ending is utterly ridiculous.

Nymph is a flawed prospect, then, but not one without its considerable charms. Franco Nero is entertaining as the gruff local with a dark past (think Quint from Jaws – including the traumatic war history and subsequent speech) and the characters are well-defined enough for us to care about until their inevitable demises. Look, it’s a killer mermaid film. You’ll either be down for that or you won’t.

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating:

MOVIE REVIEW: V/H/S – VIRAL / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: VARIOUS / SCREENPLAY: VARIOUS / STARRING: BLAIR REDFORD, CARRIE KEAGAN, MICHAEL FLORES / RELEASE DATE: TBC

The popular found footage anthology series returns, lugging a packed case full of new directors and stories with it. As the subtitle suggests, V/H/S: Viral takes the franchise down a slightly different route, being concerned with the struggles of those who would be famous in our modern age. Luckily they all have mobile phones to record their every single movement, for better or worse.

For ‘worse’, see the film’s wraparound tale, involving an ice cream van and a kidnapped girl. The incompetence carries on with the first segment – a silly, barely found footage story about a magician and his magic cape. Stupid, lacking scares and tension and tonally at odds with the rest of the film (and series), Dante the Great (really) gets Viral off on the wrong footing, and it never recovers from there.

Which is a shame, because Nacho Vigalondo’s Parallel Monsters is a great example of how clever and inventive the series can be when it tries, utilising the director’s love of daft sci-fi and black comedy to great effect. To say anything beyond that would be to spoil its tricks, but suffice to say that it’s by far the best thing about the film. The skateboarders-vs-cultists short Bonestorm isn’t quite so clever, but it has good action, manic energy and reanimated skeletons – something sorely lacking in horror films these days. Then it’s onto the loud but uninteresting Vicious Circles, and the film ends as disappointingly as it started. Thanks to its dud elements, the disparate storylines fail to gel as an entity, leaving Viral feeling too short and completely disconnected from its two predecessors.

To sum up, 2012’s V/H/S was a well-presented but ultimately flawed portmanteau piece. Its sequel, V/H/S 2 was a vast improvement, featuring a genuine masterpiece in Gareth Evans’ Safe Haven. We had hoped that Viral would continue the upward curve in quality, but it’s actually the worst yet. Both previous films’ worst entries are far better than Vicious Circles and Dante the Great, while it leaves Vigalondo’s work sadly lost among the mess. The atmosphere is almost gone and even the visual trickery seems more restrained than usual. Worst of all, it’s completely lacking in scares. If the franchise wants to carry on, V/H/S really needs to find a good antivirus.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actual Rating:

MOVIE REVIEW: TRUTH OR DARE / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: JESSICA CAMERON / SCREENPLAY: JESSICA CAMERON, JONATHAN SCOTT HIGGINS / STARRING: JESSICA CAMERON, RYAN KISER, HEATHER DORFF / RELEASE DATE: TBC

Jessica Cameron’s directorial debut, Truth or Dare, is the definition of lowest common denominator horror. Its desire to be nasty makes is akin to an attention-seeking, petulant child throwing a hissy fit in the supermarket. Ultimately, it’s all very embarrassing.

A group of online pranksters, having caused a sensation all across the World Wide Web with a YouTube video showing a member of the team being accidentally killed, attract a lonely nerdlinger named Derik (Kiser). This demented but avid fan takes the Truth or Daredevils hostage and goes about reworking their notorious japes into the real deal.

Truth or Dare is a very low-budget picture that cannot sustain its gory excesses because the acting, dialogue and general nastiness make the whole show torture to sit through. Of the cast, only Kiser really makes any impression at all. His scrawny Mansonesque weirdness is rather fitting because he’ll play the notorious guru/criminal in a forthcoming feature, House of Manson.

Another major problem is the script. For who is there for the audience to engage with, if all the characters are painted as sexual miscreants and liars – some of them, dangerously so? Forcing the gang to sit in a circle, Derik, waving his gun and threatening to kill everybody if they don’t comply, makes them play a game of truth or dare as reimagined by the Jigsaw Killer. The consequences are very painful for all involved. Folk are maimed, tortured and slain one by one, as the maniacal dweeb rants on about the online community and ‘keeping it real’.

One doubts even the most easily sated gorehound would want to sit through this load of baloney. The shocking acts of depravity include a sibling going down on his recently deceased sister, a forced abortion via scissors, eye-gouging and eating glass. The torture porn variety show, as a subgenre and viewing experience, is stale and not the least bit effective. The actors forget that severe pain lasts for hours and not five minutes. The wailing and screaming is pure am-dram ham.

Kicking a film of modest means and intentions is not a nice thing to do, but neither is it pleasant to have to sit through such crap. Only Kiser comes out of Truth or Dare with any credibility. His twitchy presence and performance deserves a far better picture.

Expected Rating: 5 out of 10

Actual Rating:

MOVIE REVIEW: TRUTH OR DARE / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: JESSICA CAMERON / SCREENPLAY: JESSICA CAMERON, JONATHAN SCOTT HIGGINS / STARRING: JESSICA CAMERON, RYAN KISER, HEATHER DORFF / RELEASE DATE: TBC

Jessica Cameron’s directorial debut, Truth or Dare, is the definition of lowest common denominator horror. Its desire to be nasty makes is akin to an attention-seeking, petulant child throwing a hissy fit in the supermarket. Ultimately, it’s all very embarrassing.

A group of online pranksters, having caused a sensation all across the World Wide Web with a YouTube video showing a member of the team being accidentally killed, attract a lonely nerdlinger named Derik (Kiser). This demented but avid fan takes the Truth or Daredevils hostage and goes about reworking their notorious japes into the real deal.

Truth or Dare is a very low-budget picture that cannot sustain its gory excesses because the acting, dialogue and general nastiness make the whole show torture to sit through. Of the cast, only Kiser really makes any impression at all. His scrawny Mansonesque weirdness is rather fitting because he’ll play the notorious guru/criminal in a forthcoming feature, House of Manson.

Another major problem is the script. For who is there for the audience to engage with, if all the characters are painted as sexual miscreants and liars – some of them, dangerously so? Forcing the gang to sit in a circle, Derik, waving his gun and threatening to kill everybody if they don’t comply, makes them play a game of truth or dare as reimagined by the Jigsaw Killer. The consequences are very painful for all involved. Folk are maimed, tortured and slain one by one, as the maniacal dweeb rants on about the online community and ‘keeping it real’.

One doubts even the most easily sated gorehound would want to sit through this load of baloney. The shocking acts of depravity include a sibling going down on his recently deceased sister, a forced abortion via scissors, eye-gouging and eating glass. The torture porn variety show, as a subgenre and viewing experience, is stale and not the least bit effective. The actors forget that severe pain lasts for hours and not five minutes. The wailing and screaming is pure am-dram ham.

Kicking a film of modest means and intentions is not a nice thing to do, but neither is it pleasant to have to sit through such crap. Only Kiser comes out of Truth or Dare with any credibility. His twitchy presence and performance deserves a far better picture.

Expected Rating: 5 out of 10

Actual Rating:

MOVIE REVIEW: SIN CITY 2: A DAME TO KILL FOR / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: FRANK MILLER, ROBERT RODRIGUEZ / SCREENPLAY: FRANK MILLER / STARRING: MICKEY ROURKE, JESSICA ALBA, JOSH BROLIN / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

For all of five minutes, Sin City 2 is one of the best 3D movies you’ll ever see. As Mickey Rourke’s Marv comes to in Basin City, regaining what passes for consciousness in his distinctly shaped head, we’re treated to what must be some of the best imagery to ever grace a comic book movie. Marv busts heads, it starts to snow, and the audience breathes a collective sigh of relief – the lengthy gap between films has done A Dame to Kill For no harm at all. And then, as the title credits stop, so does the 3D. Like one of the film’s omnipresent Cadillacs descending the long, winding road into Basin City, it’s downhill from there.

A lot has changed since the release of Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller’s Sin City in 2005. Comic book movies have gotten much better since then, with the completion of Nolan’s Bat-trilogy, the rise of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the growing popularity of anything based on a graphic novel. That’s not to mention Frank Miller’s swift decline from favour, the dilution of the film’s style with a host of imitators, and the fact that Rodriguez hasn’t made a good movie since Planet Terror. The odds, then, were not in this sequel’s favour.

As before, the movie juggles multiple characters, stories and time frames with relative ease. We follow Nancy (Alba) struggling in the wake of Hartigan’s death, Dwight (Brolin) trying to control his own anger, pre-face op (no Clive Owen, then) and newcomer Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a hotshot gambler who gets in too deep when he beats crooked Senator Roark (Powers Boothe) at poker. Marv is there too, popping up in each story simply because he was the first film’s breakout character and that’s what the filmmakers think the audience want. A number of other familiar faces new and old also crop up, to varying effect. Dennis Haysbert is a poor substitute for the late, great Michael Clarke Duncan, while Brolin is surprisingly bad. Dwight is presented as a completely different character here to how he was portrayed in the first film. And then they cover him in prosthetics to look like Clive Owen (just hire Clive Owen! He’s not busy these days) and Dwight’s story is buried under the sheer ridiculousness of it all. Christopher Lloyd and Ray Liotta fare better, however, and there’s also Lady Gaga, for some reason.

On paper, there’s no reason fans of the original shouldn’t enjoy this entry. It looks identical – if not better – with the same use of music, colour, pace and tone, faithfully adapting the comic book story of the same name. The action is slick, the violence brutal and effective. In Boothe, it has a legitimately horrible villain, almost making up for the lack of Elijah Wood and That Yellow Bastard, transcending his paper-thin role to extend Roark’s malevolence over the whole film. It is, at times, exactly as fun as it should be. Yet something, you feel, is missing (the 3D, perhaps, which is barely there beyond the title credits). The stories are smothered by the insistence on comic book style, the dialogue and characterisation sorely lacking, particularly where the womenfolk are concerned. As the titular dame, Eva Green is every bit as bad as Brolin. The camera leers at her, Nancy and the other female characters, while poor Rosario Dawson looks utterly ridiculous dressed in leather and a gimp mask. Oh, and the hooker dressed as Zorro is back too.

Sin City 2 is proof that you can be too literal in adapting a visual medium like comics to the cinema. Perhaps we’re numbed to it, thanks to a slew of imitators, or perhaps standards have simply changed since 2005. Or maybe the film simply isn’t very good. Whatever the case may be, this sequel is a sad, outdated disappointment.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actual Rating:

MOVIE REVIEW: ALLELUIA / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: FABRICE DU WELZ / SCREENPLAY: VARIOUS / STARRING: STEPHANE BISSOT, LOLA DUENAS, EDITH LE MERDY / RELEASE DATE: TBC

Love can do funny things to people. It’s life-affirming and joyous, but what happens when two lost souls meet and proceed to murder folk for profit? Loosely inspired by the real-life case of Martha Beck and Raymond Fernandez, director Fabrice Du Welz’s latest picture is a study of burning desire and passion that, while more than a few sandwiches short of a picnic, demonstrates how consuming and volatile love, as an emotional force, can be when it turns obsessive and needy.

Gloria (a sensational performance by Lola Dueñas) is a Spanish national living in Belgium with her young daughter. Du Welz doesn’t exactly spell it out to the viewer, but it’s implied that her ex-husband was a bit of a bastard and they’ve been forced to relocate. Gloria works as a mortician at a local hospital and is looking for love online. Although initially nervous about meeting Michel (Laurent Lucas), something magical occurs on their first date.

Everything about Gloria and Michel is the perverse flipside of connection and happiness. Love at first sight, after all, is celebrated in everything from Dante Alighieri’s poems to the heavenly Beatrice Portinari to James Joyce’s Ulysses and countless pop songs. Initially, it seems that Michel is the dangerous one. His little-boy-lost routine is entirely selfish and self-serving. In fact, Gloria is far more deadly than her beau as she is willing to kill without a second thought. It springs from her inability to accept that her man must bed other ladies as part of their scheming. A blowjob scene, using discomforting sound design as an expressionistic device, to portray Gloria’s frayed nerves and horror, is an extraordinary creative flourish. Later, just as she’s about to carve up a dead body, the disassociation from reality is highlighted by having Gloria literally sing about the world being a dangerous place.

Beautifully and moodily shot by Manuel Ducosse, the intimate handheld camera work is contrasted with unexpected bursts of colour that edge it close, on occasion, to golden age Italian horror. The elliptical structure of the narrative, too, ensures that motives and reasoning are largely jettisoned in favour of audience participation and guess work. Du Welz, it seems, wants us to experience the madness of the relationship unburdened by routine armchair Freudian probing.

Expected Rating: 8 out of 10

Actual Rating:

MOVIE REVIEW: WRONG TURN 6: LAST RESORT / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: VALERI MILEV / SCREENPLAY: FRANK H. WOODWARD / STARRING: SADIE KATZ, ANTHONY ILOTT, AQUEELA ZOLL / UK RELEASE DATE: OCT 20TH (DVD)

Wait, Wrong Turn 6, you say? Against all odds, the critic-proof hillbilly franchise returns, this time riffing on Texas Chainsaw 3D for a steamy tale of lust, heritage and kissing cousins. For the first time, the series’ inbreeding is brought to the fore as troubled orphan Danny discovers a hitherto unknown inheritance, buried deep in the Appalachian mountains: his very own spa resort, run by creepy caretakers Sally and Jackson. Is all as it seems, or is something a little more sinister afoot? Well, six films in, you should have a pretty good idea by now.

At this point, everyone should know exactly what to expect from a Wrong Turn film – heaps of gore, lashings of nudity and an often uncomfortable meeting of the two during the kill sequences. Wrong Turn 6 (6!) doesn’t disappoint in that respect, being the most sexed-up entry in the franchise so far. Remarkably, however, it manages to do so without feeling even nearly as rapey and unpleasant as its immediate predecessor. Doug Bradley is nowhere to be seen this time around; Sally and Jackson are the outwardly normal parent figures, making it anyone’s guess as to where that leaves the timeline. Well played by Chris Jarvis and Sadie Katz, the pair ensure that the bored, coasting Bradley isn’t missed at all. Elsewhere, Three Finger and his mutie siblings remain on the outside of the action, taking a slightly more reduced role but turning up any time things threaten to take a turn for the dull.

No fear of that, not with the bizarre story, odd casting choices (hello, Roxanne Pallett from Emmerdale, doing nudity and an American accent) and shocking violence. The series has always been famed for its inventive gore sequences, and Wrong Turn 6 certainly doesn’t let the side down. There’s enough here to rival even the fourth film’s grotesque fondue scene; which, for the uninitiated, is really saying something. It looks remarkably good too, considering how late we are into the game, and how shoddy and cheap the last film was. The spa resort and surrounding woodlands (actually filmed in Bulgaria) are a neat setting, giving kids and hillbilly alike plenty of room to run about, be it in search of nooky or salvation. For all the snootiness and disdain one could direct towards the series, you have to give director Valeri Milev and writer Frank H. Woodward credit for not simply resting on their laurels with a lazy rehash of the first film. If anything, this is one of the best entries yet. Of course, Wrong Turn 6 won’t be for everyone – it’s crude, cruel and creepy, packed full of the various nasty tricks the franchise has accrued over the years. This one will win the series no new fans. Those of us who have been there from the beginning, however, should love it. And, yes, it leaves the door wedged wide open for a(nother) sequel.

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating:

MOVIE REVIEW: OPEN WINDOWS / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: NACHO VIGALONDO / SCREENPLAY: NACHO VIGALONDO / STARRING: ELIJAH WOOD, SASHA GREY, NEIL MASKELL / RELEASE DATE: OCTOBER 17TH

Open Windows, helmed by Spanish director Nacho Vigalondo, is not only madder than the Mad Hatter’s tea party, it all hinges on your willing acceptance of broadband connections and computer technology so fast that they feel positively futuristic. 4G? This must be 20G, at least! A dazzling neo-giallo drama that plays out almost entirely via webcams, laptops and mobile phone cameras, the film is not without a certain sense of humour about and awareness of its own implausibility.

Nick Chambers (Wood) has won an Internet competition to have dinner with his favourite movie star, Jill Goddard (Grey). Told that the event has been cancelled at the last minute, a rightly annoyed Nick is roped into a bizarre game of online voyeurism by a cockney bloke (Maskell), a man who appears to be orchestrating events that further push the gullible fanboy into the realms of criminality.

Like a fibre optic cable running through screen history, the film pays homage to crime thrillers of the past and its master practitioners. Key figures of inspiration appear to be Louis Feuillade’s Fantômas and Fritz Lang’s infamous Dr Mabuse, with the director finding time to high-five Alfred Hitchcock, Dario Argento and Brian De Palma along the way.

Sasha Grey is a captivating screen presence, and the camera clearly loves her. But what is it capturing exactly? A steely look – her eyes seem as blank as a great white shark’s – is matched by a lack of polish as an actress. She functions in the movie in a not too dissimilar way to Marlene Dietrich in the films of von Sternberg or Barbara Steele in Mario Bava’s Black Sunday. She’s there as a fetish object, above all else. But with her history in pornos, Grey doesn’t convince as a damsel in distress. She could eat you alive; maybe you want her to.

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating:

 

MOVIE REVIEW: WHITE SETTLERS / CERT 15 / DIRECTOR: SIMEON HALLIGAN / SCREENPLAY: IAN FENTON / STARRING: POLYANNA MCINTOSH, LEE WILLIAMS, JOANNE MITCHELL / RELEASE DATE: SEPTEMBER 6TH (LIMITED)

Cult horror lady Pollyanna McIntosh (The Woman, Filth) takes the lead in White Settlers, playing one half of lovely couple Sarah and Ed. Relocating from England to the Scottish borders, they hope that their rustic new home signals an end to their stressful Londoner lives. What they haven’t counted on are the angry locals, none too happy with the bloody English taking up residence on their land. As the real-world cry for Scottish independence gathers pace, there has never been more timely a horror film than White Settlers.

Like You’re Next crossed with the French home invasion flick Them (Ils – not the one with the ants), mysterious masked antagonists are the order of the day, breaking into Ed and Sarah’s home and trussing the poor chap up with duct tape. Sarah flees, and what follows is a deadly game of cat-and-mouse between the terrified but capable Sarah and the cold but slightly useless attackers. McIntosh carries herself well as Sarah, being at once strong, vulnerable, adorable and ever so slightly annoying. Shuffled into the damsel in distress role, Lee Williams is given less to do, but that’s fine, as it gives McIntosh more room in the spotlight.

Unfortunately for the actors, director Simeon Halligan and writer Ian Fenton don’t go nearly far enough to fully flex anyone’s muscles. Although the build-up is well-balanced and maintained – there’s a very interesting, subtle dominant/submissive kink to Ed and Sarah’s relationship – the action itself is disappointing. Anyone who has seen more than a couple of backwoods horror or home invasion movies will find nothing new during the final hour, from huddled terror in the bushes to surprise bear traps in the shrubbery. It’s slick, well-done and occasionally gory, but repetitive nevertheless.

Which is a shame, since White Settlers has plenty of room to do and be something great. The restless Scottish angle could have been more fully explored, the action could have more visceral, the thrills more unpredictable. It’s far classier than your average Wrong Turn or Hills Have Eyes movies, but it’s not as fun as You’re Next, as brutal as Eden Lake or even as enjoyably trashy as, well, Wrong Turn. It’s diverting entertainment, buoyed by a great performance from Pollyanna McIntosh (let’s see more of her in the genre’s future, please) and solid writing and direction from Halligan and Fenton.

A fine slice of homegrown horror, White Settlers is well-made and intelligent, with a little more to say than most. While it flirts with cliché too much to be considered a resounding success, it’s still better than the deep-fried crap (yes, alright, including more than a few Wrong Turn sequels) generally being put out these days.

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating:

 

 

MOVIE REVIEW: DELIVER US FROM EVIL / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: SCOTT DERRICKSON / SCREENPLAY: SCOTT DERRICKSON, PAUL HARRIS BOARDMAN / STARRING: ERIC BANA, ÉDGAR RAMÍREZ, SEAN HARRIS, JOEL MCHALE, OLIVIA MUNN / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Deliver Us From Evil is a crime drama/supernatural horror adapted from ex-cop Ralph Sarchie’s book Beware the Night. Based on real events – if you choose to believe them of course – the film follows Ralph (Bana) investigating murders in New York.

Paired with his boisterous partner Butler (McHale), he encounters a series of strange, horrific events linked to a mysterious painter (Harris). A priest (Ramirez) tries to convince him that he is facing a different kind of evil and must regain his faith to combat it properly. At first Ralph dismisses this as nonsense, until he starts to see and hear things he can’t explain and his family is threatened.

Creating an atmosphere of ever-present tension heightened with disconcerting music, Deliver Us From Evil is incredibly creepy. The only drawbacks are that it assumes everyone buys into what’s happening without question, and a rather silly and clichéd plot device involving The Doors. Otherwise, think The Exorcist if it was a cop film, with some brutal jump scares and a great performance from the rising star that is Sean Harris (who was also the creep in Creep by the way).

Expected Rating: 7 out of 10

Actual Rating: