God exists – he lives in Brussels.
This bold proclamation is the starting point for a comedic fantasy from Belgium, France and Luxemburg, in which God is portrayed as a mean-spirited bully who lives in a drab apartment with his wife and young daughter, the other member of the family having left years ago, only to go and spout a load of hippy nonsense about love and get himself nailed to a cross…
God spends his days chain smoking in his dressing gown, either locked away in a room of filing cabinets which stretch to infinity, screaming at his computer and creating new laws of universal annoyance (when you get in the bath, the phone will ring or bread and jam will always fall jam side down – that sort of thing), or making life miserable for his placid wife and rebellious daughter, a girl who has never been allowed outside of the family home.
But when Jesus tells his sister that there’s a way out through the washing machine, Ea crashes God’s computer, sending out texts to everyone with the dates of their death, and heads off into the outside world to find six apostles of her own, write a New Testament and hopefully change the way the world and humanity is heading. Meanwhile, God sets out to bring her back leaving Mum, a goddess herself, alone to spring clean…
Yes, that’s right, a washing machine is the gateway to heaven, if heaven is where God lives. And that’s not the only bizarre notion in a film, which strains for, and sometimes achieves, a sense of whimsy. Along the way we see God getting beaten up by a gang of thugs for eating out of a bin, a woman who seems to have had no kind of happiness in her life since she lost her arm as a child (some disabled people may find that notion a little cringeworthy) falling in love with a man who tried to shoot her, Catherine Deneauve have a love affair with a gorilla, and a sundry other ridiculous plot devices designed to show us that time is short, life is precious and we need to make the most of it.
Back in 1991, writer-director Jaco Van Dormael created a gem of a film called Toto the Hero where fantasy and childhood were explored to touching effect, but in his new effort, there isn’t a satisfying sense of purpose to the story. It’s quite sweet and gentle and tries at times to be profound, as if the crew has been shown Amelie on a loop. Indeed there are touching moments, but what does it all add up to? Not very much really, unless God confined to a workhouse, whilst Goddess creates flowery skies and allows us to defy gravity, is what the meaning of life is all about. You can’t help feeling once the film is over, that it should be about something more.
THE BRAND NEW TESTAMENT / CERT: TBC / DIRECTOR: JACO VAN DORMAEL / SCREENPLAY: JACO VAN DORMAEL, THOMAS GUNZIG / STARRING: BENOÎT POELVOORDE, CATHERINE DENEUVE, FRANÇOIS DAMIENS / RELEASE DATE: 25TH MARCH




The dystopian, post-apocalyptic, thriller is a well-trodden genre. Film has seen the world destroyed so many times now that chances are, one of the many films depicting the fall of the modern world, will have cracked just how it is going to happen. In these many films the world is a sand strewn wasteland, a broken metropolis, or- in this case- a regression back to our primal human past. A great filmmaker can make any of these work as exciting platforms for a survival narrative and in Tom Paton (making his directorial/writing debut), we have just that with the fun 

The producers for El Circulo De Raynard would have you believe this film successfully blends together several different filmmaking styles. Documentary (albeit of the faux variety), traditional narrative and found footage are “expertly” combined, to produce a film unlike any you will have seen. 

So is 10 Cloverfield Lane, which dropped as suddenly and unexpectedly – or at least with as little fanfare – a sequel to Matt Reeves’ JJ Abrams backed blockbuster 2008 found footage monster movie Cloverfield or not? The clue’s in the title, of course; perhaps it’s Abrams himself, on board here as Producer through his prolific Bad Robot Productions brand, who summed it up best when he described this new movie as the “spiritual successor” to the earlier hit. It’s best to go into this one with no real preconceptions but certainly if you’re expecting a film just like the original Cloverfield you might be inclined towards disappointment at first…but not for long.

The Walking Dead’s Lauren Cohan makes her big screen debut in this daft devil doll drama as Greta, a young American nanny fleeing her own domestic crisis and taking up residence at an unfeasibly sprawling creepy old house in the English countryside. She’s here to look after Brahms, the eight year-old son of a surprisingly elderly couple who are off; it appears, on a long-overdue holiday. Much to Greta’s surprise Brahms turns out to be an eerie-looking doll with cold, porcelain features and empty staring eyes. Greta is left with list of do’s and don’ts for the immobile infant’s care and attention, while his haunted-looking folks are away. His ‘parents’ are clearly quite nuts but instead of telling them “It’s a puppet, you’re both mentalists, I’m off” and heading straight back to the set of The Walking Dead Greta doesn’t seem especially disturbed and decides to stay in the creaking old house for months (she needs the dosh) looking after Brahms whose needs, you’d think, are likely to be pretty spartan.

In 2013, Antoine Fuqua (

Since the hugely successful first film in 2008, the 
Ben Wheatley continues to make a name for himself with an increased budget in this adaptation of J.G. Ballard’s cult novel 
Modern horror movies tend to demand that their audiences are willing to make huge leaps of faith regarding the behaviour and motivations of their lead characters. Take The Forest, for example; Natalie Dormer’s Sara Price receives a phone call from the Japanese Police, informing her that her troubled teacher sister Jess is missing, presumed dead, having been seen entering the Aokigahara Forest at the foot of Mount Fuji. The forest – in reality, as well as within the film’s fiction – is notorious as a final destination for the suicidal and is also reputedly haunted by the angry spirits (yurei) of those left to die. Sara, dutiful sister, jets 6,000 miles on what might seem to be an unlikely, fruitless, needle-in-a-haystack search to find her missing sister in the 14 square mile wilderness of the forest. At first though, accompanied by a friendly guide and an intrigued journalist she chats up in a bar, it looks as though Sara’s quest has drawn fruit with ease, as in the middle of the forest she stumbles upon a tent she recognises as belonging to her sister…but Jess is nowhere in sight.