Review Category: DVD/Blu Ray

Review: Dracula – The Dark Prince / Cert: 15 / Director: Pearry Reginald Teo / Screenplay: Nicole Jones, Steven Paul, Pearry Reginald Teo / Starring: Luke Roberts, Jon Voight, Kelly Wenham, Ben Robson / Release Date: February 3rd

While there have been countless reinterpretations and reimaginings of the Dracula story over the years, few have exuded quite such a pervading sense of pointlessness as this one.

In the 15th century, Drac (Roberts) successfully repels the invading Turks only to return to find his castle in the grip of an insurrection that culminates in the murder of his wife. After swiftly despatching the assassins, he renounces God and all his works, and for this is cursed to live for eternity as a vampire. Cut to a hundred or so years later, and one Leonardo Van Helsing (Voight), along with two warrior women under his tutelage, hooks up with a wayward young thief and his band of merry outlaws to take the fight to the Dark Prince and his sinister cohorts. A suicide mission, one might think, but they possess the one thing in the world that the vampire lord fears in the form of the Lightbringer – the staff that Cain used to kill Abel in biblical days of yore. And, lo! Not only does it transpire that the young thief is a direct descendent of the mythical Cain, but that Drac is the descendant of Abel. Erm, hang on a minute…

The above synopsis doesn’t even begin to express what complete gibberish the script of this obviously DTV offering is. But it’s all in the execution, right? Right. Except the execution of this convoluted mess is flawed on about every possible level one can imagine. With his long, flowing blond locks and Fighting Fantasy armour, Luke Roberts seems more of a Castlevania conception of Dracula than anything remotely inspired by Stoker’s novel. Which maybe wouldn’t be such a bad thing if he wasn’t about as threatening as Harry Hill, possessing all the dark charisma and sexual magnetism of Alan Partridge. And he doesn’t get much to do besides moon around his unrealistic castle, its exteriors represented via the medium of Xbox CGI. Said castle also has, erm, a cloaking device.

Anyone who can manage to get past the first 15 minutes of this will spend the remainder asking ‘Why?’ Why does what is presumably supposed to be 16th or 17th century Wallachia look like the dark ages? Why would Vlad be the descendent of Abel? Why the hell is John Voight in this? And why did someone think we wanted to see a bad sword-and-sorcery ‘prequel’ to a classic horror fable?

It’s dubious as to whether any of the three (!) writers of this even read Stoker’s novel before embarking on this travesty. From the evidence on display their ‘research’ extended to viewing Coppola’s ’92 film on DVD, and perhaps only the first ten minutes of that before they started talking shop or arguing over who ate the last Dorito. If you do happen to find yourself fancying a bit of iffy S&S (let’s face it, we all do sometimes), with stagy sets and the occasional gratuitous flash of T&A, you’d be far better advised to dig out your old copy of Deathstalker II.

Dracula: The Dark Prince – coming soon to the bargain bin of your local Morrison’s.

Extras: None

Review: Banshee Chapter / Cert: 15 / Director: Blair Erickson / Screenplay: Blair Erickson / Starring: Katia Winter, Ted Levine, Michael McMillian / Release Date: Out Now

Banshee Chapter’s intentions are declared even before a single actor appears on screen. A montage of real footage of American officials, among them Bill Clinton, sets out the realities of the MKUltra project that experimented with hallucinogenic materials on human subjects. The internalising of terror, the loosened grip on reality and the clandestine nature of the project itself make it an irresistible subject for horror movies, especially those such as Banshee Chapter, that suggest that even what we do know about the project is just a fraction of the story.

The film follows young journalist Anne (Winter) as she traces the footsteps of her college buddy James (McMillian), who disappeared while conducting a filmed experiment with the synthetic drug, DMT-19. Hooking up with Thomas Blackburn (Levine), a counterculture writer and Hunter S. Thompson in all but name, Anne’s journey takes in conspiracy theory, malevolent government agencies, radio signals, extra-dimensional beings and sheer hallucinatory terror. The H.P. Lovecraft story From Beyond is a strong influence, pervasive enough to warrant a hand-waving by Blackburn.

The narrative’s horror is drawn largely from chemical, psychological and technological sources, while the film’s thrills take the form of creeping dread and sudden, emergent jumps. It’s a neat way of transferring the horror from the chemically-altered minds of the characters to the viewer. While it places the secret experiments front-and-centre, interpolating gruesome images from them, it also makes light sketches of the wider implications of the project and of the link between state malevolence and the counterculture that purportedly opposed it.

Banshee Chapter is carried well by Winter, whose clipped English accent sounds distinctly odd in the western US setting (while also bringing a welcome sense of precision to the early voice over). Levine clearly had a great time playing Blackburn, serving up several laughs in his portrayal as the bad boy outsider of American letters.

The film was produced on a limited budget and, while this shows, director Blair Erickson makes a virtue of the restriction, cultivating a mise-en-scene that is by turns lonely and claustrophobic. The desert setting is an appropriate one, offering a contrast with the close terror of the interior scenes and suggesting that the prying eyes of the public are very far away indeed.

Extras: None

Review: Exorcist Chronicles / Cert: TBC / Director: Philip Gardiner / Screenplay: Various / Starring: Rudy Barrow, Liz Mente Bishop, Nathan Head / Release Date: TBC

Contrary to popular opinion as to the role of the reviewer or critic, there’s little pleasure to be gleaned in carving up a movie whose closest relative is a bird eaten on festive occasions such as Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Given the complete collapse of what was once defined as artistic merit and taste, even the most inept production can possess a certain cultural caché that renders a discussion of whether it is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ almost redundant. Reviewing films can feel a little bit like pissing in the wind or heartily committing to a Sisyphean task. Ed Wood is lauded as the worst director that ever lived (as if it’s a badge of honour and accomplishment) and, in more recent times, production outfit The Asylum has found an audience with their range of ‘mockbusters’. Somebody, somewhere – whether in the last video shops standing, the bargain bin at their local supermarket or via a website – will give these sorts of movies a chance they barely deserve.

Philip Gardiner’s Exorcist Chronicles is a British horror adventure which cannot mask its borderline amateur origins. The production values, in general, are near to non-existent. The acting is wooden and the demonic possession clichés are dog-tired. While it is somewhat admirable that Gardiner and his cast play the material straight, the film is a chore to sit through.

A priest and a lady scientist (who dresses more like a prostitute than a lab geek) attempt to solve a mystery revolving around what appears to be a case of mass demonic possession. It’s an initially antagonistic relationship, but they must get along in order to destroy the evil! (Yawn…)

In the wake of The Last Exorcism Part II – which boasted a radical finale that will one day get proper consideration as the innovation that it is – Exorcist Chronicles is more than happy enough to deliver the same old song, dance and Roman rituals – chapter and verse.

The special effects look better suited to a television series (such as Most Haunted) and the use of mundane home interiors is laughable. The unadventurous lighting (a naff bleached-out high-contrast visual sheen) and very basic camera work all add up to a sense of cheapness and lack of visual imagination.

It might not achieve Birdemic 2 levels of crapness, but Exorcist Chronicles will join legions of other extremely low-budget efforts out there online and on DVD and will disappear soon enough and we shall think no more of it. Whatever the hell Exorcist Chronicles is – it isn’t cinema. Avoid it like the plague.

The DVD comes with a selection of trailers for movies that look just as crummy as Exorcist Chronicles. There’s also a behind-the-scenes featurette and a deleted scene.

Extras: See above

Review: Justin and the Knights of Valour / Cert: U / Director: Manuel Sicilia / Screenplay: Matthew Jacobs, Manuel Sicilia / Starring: Antonio Banderas, Rupert Everett, Freddie Highmore / Release Date: February 3rd

Shrek alumni Antonio Banderas and Rupert Everett reunite in another fantasy world for another tale of an unlikely hero stepping up to the plate to save the day. As times change and Shrek diluted his profitability with a series of declining sequels (the brilliant second film aside), DreamWorks’ How to Train Your Dragon is the reference point here.

Justin and the Knights of Valour certainly looks the part, set in a lush green fantasy world occupied by dragons, barbarians and curiously busty barmaids. Its cast is strong too (literally, in the case of baddie Mark Strong), with Freddie Highmore doing well as young Justin. He’s well supported by Banderas (the best thing in it), Everett (the second best thing in it), Charles Dance and the like. Almost everyone appears to be coasting on established routines – particularly Mark Strong, who adds yet another humourless posh villain to his CV. Only Saoirse Ronan is outright bad, her Irish accent a pain to the ears. Odd, given that the accent is actually the actress’s own.

The lack of inspiration carries through to the plot and script, which lack both excitement and wit. Only a mid-flight fight sequence with Gustav the crocodile is of amusement, the rest of the story veering between Stardust rip-off and DreamWorks wannabe. Without the heart of Pixar and the wit of DreamWorks, Justin and the Knights of Valour is left entirely middling, the script barely managing to raise more than a smile throughout (usually succeeding only when Banderas is about).

The Blu-ray is available both in 2D and 3D, so you’ve a choice of dimensions to be underwhelmed in. It also comes loaded with a series of production and making-of featurettes, as well as deleted scenes and cast and crew interviews. Sadly, with the film itself failing to ignite audience interest, it’s unlikely that anyone will ever bother to watch them.

Too dull for children and not clever enough for adult audiences, Justin and the Knights of Valour is a failure. Thoroughly average, the only thing of valiance here is Antonio Banderas’s film-salvaging performance.

Extras: See above

Review: Blood Glacier / Cert: 15 / Director: Marvin Kren / Screenplay: Benjamin Hessler / Starring: Gerhard Liebmann, Brigitte Kren, Edita Malovcic / Release Date: Out Now

Though stylistically an homage to John Carpenter’s The Thing, tonally director Marvin Kren’s new ecological monster movie channels the flagrant anxiety of Frank Darabont’s The Mist and the unmitigated dread of Ridley Scott’s Alien.

Set in the beautiful desolation of the German Alps, Glacier concerns a mostly-drunk technician named Janek, who works in a remote mountain lab along with a team of environmental scientists studying the decay of the Alpines. When the team stumble upon a glacier seeping blood and mutating the local wildlife, their decision to hide the truth from a visiting government minister jeopardises the safety of the entire world.

The movie shows a decidedly ’80s mindset at work – relying more on practical effects (read: puppets and latex suits) and a simple narrative than an abundance of CGI and gimmicky filmmaking. Perhaps that is why the road to release has been anything but simple for the glacier jaunt, with a rash of name changes for the world-wide DVD (The Station, Glazius, and the original Blutgletscher). Yet it went on to become the dark horse of the Toronto International Film Festival last September, receiving a standing ovation from the horror fanatics in attendance.

And whilst it certainly is not without fault, Glacier looks absolutely beautiful. Kren utilises the Alps perfectly, juxtaposing their crystal beauty and total brutality – injecting each scene with suspense and tension. The characters themselves are, on the whole, a rather unlikeable lot, and although audiences will be drawn to Gerhard Liebmann’s extraordinary performance as Janek, the film asks – who are the real monsters here?

As for the creatures, the film employs a less-is-more approach. Nonetheless, the payoff is definitely in the grime and gore of the thrilling third act. That, coupled with a love-it/hate-it ending, has resulted in a production that will surely divide viewers; those looking for new ways to be scared will leave unsatisfied, whereas old-school fans of the genre will revel in this ode to a simpler era.

Extras: Stills gallery / Trailer

Review: Alien Crash at Roswell / Cert: Exempt / Director: Phillip Coppens / Screenplay: Phillip Coppens / Starring Phillip Coppens, Jesse Marcel III / Release Date: Out Now

Ever wondered what really happened in the summer of 1947 in Roswell, New Mexico where, legend has it, a UFO crash-landed, scattering debris and dead rubbery aliens all over the dusty landscape? Conspiracy nuts have been all over this one for more than six decades despite Government assurances that the “UFO debris” was really the remains of a fallen high-altitude experimental weather and surveillance balloon. Suffice to say that this unspeakably thin, ropey, tacky US TV documentary from 2012 won’t shed any new light on the mystery. Frankly you’d be better off going out into the garden and staring at a tree for an hour for a better shot at a decent insight into the weird and wonderful world of the enigma of the Roswell incident.

Wild-haired scientist/loon Phillip Cossens is our host, blundering through the ‘story’ of the Roswell phenomenon without a script to guide him on his way, interviewing one Jesse Marcel III. This weirdo is a dead-eyed descendant of one of the first US Army officers on the scene who, it’s believed by Cossens and, undoubtedly, other people who ought to get out more, actually “handled extra-terrestrial debris with his own hands.” And that’s about it for cutting-edge factual investigation. The lack of any semblance of structure to the piece means we’re left with endless repetition – the Marcel family believe it’s true because they actually, you know, handled the debris. Did we mention this?

Cossens doesn’t even countenance the possibility that the government explanation might be true; he’s just content to tell us that “the Marcel family believe it to be true because they experienced it.” It’s also amazing to realise, apparently, that we’re not alone in the universe. Honestly, we’re not. Alien Crash at Roswell says so. Archive photographs are flashed up on the screen without explanation or context and the whole woeful endeavour is soundtracked by appalling and teeth-grindingly irritating lift muzak and padded out by poorly animated, endless scenes of a UFO flying through space or spinning above the New Mexican desert.

We’re at an absolute loss to comprehend why anyone thinks this garbage is worthy of a UK DVD release. Has no one considered the planet’s dwindling resources? Curiosity might tempt you to investigate whether Alien Crash at Roswell is really all that bad – but trust us on this, it just is. Don’t bother watching it, just throw it in the air and pretend it’s a tiny alien spaceship as it spins over your next door neighbour’s fence and crashes into a hedge, never to be seen again. Alien Crash at Roswell really is worthless nonsense.

Extras: Trailers

Review: Justice League – War / Cert: TBC / Director: Jay Oliva / Screenplay: Various / Starring: Sean Astin, Zach Callison, Christopher Gorham / Release Date: VOD OUT NOW

For all its accomplishments and all its faults, the way in which Joss Whedon’s Avengers Assemble was able to spend it’s first act establishing and then integrating each of its characters was truly remarkable. Furthermore, the little skirmishes associated with bringing some of the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes together were all inconclusive, ensuring credibility for the characters and fuelling debate amongst fans.

So you know that when an article reviewing DC’s latest movie, Justice League: War, starts off by praising the competition, things are not going to be pretty.

The fact is, JL:War is a rare and unfortunate misfire for the DCU and director Jay Oliva. After his incredible work on The Dark Knight Returns double feature, and slightly less incredible work on Justice League: Flashpoint, the young director has tethered his boat to writer Heath Corson (who may or may not be 14 years old, judging from his clichéd and clunky work), in adapting the superb Origins storyline by Geoff Johns and Jim Lee.

War is the first feature to be based within the New 52 continuity and serves as the official origin story of this new Justice League. When a rash of abductions draw Green Lantern to Sector 2814’s Gotham City, he encounters the Batman and the two of them join forces (with quips a-plenty) to take down a mysterious Parademon (known to fans as Darkseid’s minion army).

And so the film plods on and on at an incredibly uneven pace, till the whole team is amassed and staring down the barrel of Darkseid’s invading army. The same Darkseid who stands an inexplicable 40ft tall and whose depiction never gets deeper than “Darkseid SMASH”, which is truly a shame as he tends to be one of the League’s more charismatic foes.

The narrative deviates from the relaunch throughout and for no apparent reason, and to a great detrimental effect. A short sequence from the book that saw Superman cautiously engage Green Lantern and Batman is extended, and although exciting, it emasculates the two to the point where their worth is questioned. The artwork has opted for a very dark, very Korean-influenced style, chosen over Jim Lee’s character designs, and is at times wildly inconsistent between scenes. That said, the combat (of which there is a substantial amount) is once intricate, fun and unnervingly brutal.

One of the cornerstones of the DCU production team, voice/casting director Andrea Romano very rarely gets things wrong. Which makes it surprising that every single role in War is just horribly, horribly miscast; with a particular low point being Alan Tudyk’s interpretation of Superman as a brash, cocky bully.

A team is only as strong as it’s weakest member, and in regard to Justice League: War, the critical flaw remains the missed opportunity to relaunch the DCU with an improved energy and maturity. But then again, Batman is Batman. And that’s just great.

Extras: TBC

Review: Kiss of the Damned / Cert: 18 / Director: Xan Cassavetes / Screenplay: Xan Cassavetes / Starring: Josephine de la Baume, Roxane Mesquida, Milo Ventimiglia, Anna Mouglalis, Michael Rappaport / Release Date: January 27th, 2014

Kiss of the Damned is the first feature film from Xan Cassavetes, daughter of Hollywood legend John, following her 2006 documentary, Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession. Here we have a vampire movie that harks back to the Gothic romances of yesteryear; stylish tension, splatter and sex are the orders of the day.

The story of Kiss of the Damned revolves around Djuna (de la Baume) and Paolo (Ventimiglia). Djuna is a vampire who does her best to resist the sexual advances of Paolo, knowing that she can’t allow him to get too close for fear of her urges getting the better of her. With some assurance from Paolo that he’s ready for what’s to come, Djuna gives into her deepest instincts and leaves her beau with a love bite that’s sure to sting. As a result, Paolo becomes a vampire and the pair plan to see out immortality together. Being the well-meaning, none-threatening vamps that they are, they also look to assuage their baser instincts by harvesting blood from animals rather than attacking humans. Surely that’s worth some brownie points, right?

As ever, the couple’s bliss cannot last forever, and their world is brought to a standstill by the arrival of Djuna’s sexually charged (isn’t everyone in this movie?) sister, Mimi (Mesquida). Mimi doesn’t have quite the same morals as her sister; she’s happy to feed her bloodlust anyway that she can. As the greater vampire community becomes part of the fold, Mimi looks to drive a wedge between Djuna and her ‘one true.’

Kiss of the Damned delivers a vampire tale that is something unique and different in this world of Twilight and True Blood. There’s a style and vibe to the film that is similar to, in more modern fare, Stoker, but that also draws on the glossy, rich textures of European filmmakers such as Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci. Cassavetes’ movie may not be quite up to the standard of the films it is inspired by, but it has a damn good go of delivering something in a similar vein.

The performances are fine for what they are, with Anna Mouglalis and Michael Rappaport stealing scenes at any given opportunity. Adding to the experience that Cassavetes is offering to her audience, we get treated to an absolutely stunning soundtrack that sounds like an amalgamation of Ennio Morricone, American Prayer-era Doors and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Quite the combination.

If you like your vampire films to have a brooding, sinister, Gothic charm – not to mention lots of hot, panty sex – Kiss of the Damned is well worth hunting down.

Extras: None

Review: The Bad Samaritan Must Die! / Cert: 18 / Director: Andrew Leckonby, John Raine / Screenplay: Andrew Leckonby, John Raine/ Starring: Dennis Hewiit, John Raine, Gary Colman / Release Date: Out Now

Say the words ‘low-budget indie feature’ and we’d expect your next sentence to also contain the words ‘zombie’, ‘found footage’ or ‘slasher movie’. Not so The Bad Samaritan Must Die!, which eschews zombies, found footage and slasher villains in favour of its titular vigilante, a hulking antihero wearing a trench coat and gimp mask, battering a very British criminal underworld into submission. If nothing else, it has a sense of ambition.

Set in a dystopian 21st century Britain (looking remarkably similar to certain neighbourhoods of this 21st century Britain), The Bad Samaritan Must Die! sees the titular crime fighter unleashing his own peculiar brand of justice upon the grotty scallies of broken Britain. “Have that, you bastard,” he snarls, dropping a television set on a thug’s head. A very British cross between The Dark Knight, Super and The Taint, it’s like a Batman film as scripted by the writers of Viz Comic – chock full of brutal violence, deliciously inventive swearing and impromptu dance sequences.

John Raine is well cast as the Bad Samaritan, convincing both as a dangerous, violent thug and as a man with serious mental issues. A scene in which he wakes up, crying and ranting in the middle of the night, is startlingly affecting in a manner that few superhero films ever manage. He’s downright terrifying at times. The rest of the cast does well, although there is inevitably some dodgier work, given the low budget Raine and co-director Andrew Leckonby are working with. Above all, it’s very well written, displaying a loquaciousness and sense of wit sorely lacking from most no-budget features.

There’s more going on than just the Bad Samaritan swearing and beating folk up, though. As the Samaritan begins to assemble an army of like-minded, balaclava-wearing thugs, Leckonby and Raine touch upon the darker side of vigilantism rarely seen in mainstream superhero films. These people are wearing hockey pads, and they are dangerous. Hilarious, intelligent and frequently shocking, it reaches places that mainstream cinema could barely hope to touch. If there’s a criticism, it’s that it’s not nearly long enough, running at a scant fifty minutes, finishing on a terrifying note which will leave the audience begging for more.

A fantastic package, the DVD version of The Bad Samaritan Must Die! comes rammed with a whole host of extras, including a comic book, a soundtrack CD and the short film, Repercussions, upon which the movie was based.

Timely and terrifying, this is the best independent production in years and, frankly, better than most mainstream superhero films. Long live the Bad Samaritan.

Extras: Limited edition comic / Soundtrack CD / Documentary / Two shorts

Review: Frankenstein / Cert: 15 / Director: Kevin Connor / Screenplay: Mark Kruger / Starring: Luke Goss, Donald Sutherland, Alec Newman, Julie Delpy / Release Date: Out Now

Luke Goss is Frankenstein’s monster in this 2004 television miniseries based on Mary Shelley’s classic Gothic novel. We’ll let that sink in for a moment – hunky pretty boy Luke Goss circa 2004, of Bros fame, plays ‘the monster’. With that in mind, we’re in for a very flowery take on the tale, with Victor Frankenstein not coming across particularly well at all. Who, it asks, is the real monster? ‘I owe you nothing!’ Victor exclaims, absentee (sort of) father that he is, dropping the boy almost as soon as he’s created the poor bastard.

Granted, it’s not a particularly original take on the source material, but Frankenstein at least looks very pretty as it poses its GCSE level questions on life, love and the morality of birthing a hunky great man-child from stitched up pieces of the dead. With Donald Sutherland and William Hurt on hand to provide an air of actorly respectability, this adaptation isn’t nearly as bad as its made-for-television Hallmark origins might suggest. Indeed, it actually ranks as one of the most faithful adaptations of the story available. There’s much to be said for fidelity to story, in an era when everything is either dumbed down, sexed up or turned into a CGI gore-fest for the sake of it. Luke Goss is no Robert De Niro (but then, neither is De Niro himself in Kenneth Branagh’s shaky version) but, as his work in the likes of Hellboy II has proven, he’s not to be entirely dismissed either. As Victor, Alec Newman is fine, playing the less likeable of the two characters.

At three hours, it does run for more than a little too long, but split across two nights’ viewing, or with a big break in between instalments, it doesn’t feel too bad. There are moments when its television roots are felt, and with a complete lack of any real bloodshed or sex, harder horror fans may be disappointed. Others will baulk at the monster’s good looks, expecting the traditional bolts-through-the-neck flat-headed Boris Karloff approach. It’s hard not to argue there, although it could be worse still – have you seen square-jawed, buff Aaron Eckhart lately? Of all the monster’s changing faces, I, Frankenstein is by far the prettiest.

If it’s a faithful yet attractive version of a classic horror novel you’re after, you could do far worse than this particular Frankenstein.

Extras: None