Review Category: DVD/Blu Ray

Mario Bava did rather a lot in his time. He co-directed the first Italian horror movie (I Vampiri in 1957), was cinematographer on the first Italian sci-fi movie (The Day the Sky Exploded in 1958) and then, when he had five minutes to spare, he invented the giallo genre with The Girl Who Knew Too Much (1963). Not only that, most of his movies were quite good and proved massively influential to boot. In 1963 he also had a bash at a horror portmanteau with I tre volti della paura (The Three Faces of Fear), as it was known in Italy. Everywhere else it was known as Black Sabbath and inspired the Birmingham band Earth to change their name. Blimey, he even invented British Heavy Metal.

The whole thing is linked together with Boris Karloff in jovial form as our host and the stories are allegedly all from literary sources (if you’re liberal with your references). The Italian and US releases are so different that the stories aren’t even in the same order, but sticking with the Italian running order, we have…

The Telephone: Slightly odd one as, in its Italian form, it isn’t even supernatural. A woman gets some disturbing phone calls from the mysterious Frank who can see what she’s up to. Set in modern times this is really just a giallo short and so the first to bring that important colour to the genre.

The Wurdalak: Boris is actually in this one (and it’s the only time he played a vampire, we believe). The longest story here and a genuinely chilling tale of vampires that only kill the ones they love.

The Drop of Water: The real gem. A nurse in (an unconvincing) Victorian London attends to the body of an old lady who was a medium before she left this mortal coil. As she also looks absolutely terrifying even as a dummy made for the film, the last thing you’d do is nick her ring. Oh, what is she doing? What did we just say? This is great fun and far more frightening than it has any right to be.

Bava’s use of colour was something of a signature and became a hallmark of giallo so in all honesty, Blu-ray is the only way to watch these movies nowadays and the quality is pretty good. You also really need both versions because the Italian version is better even if there’s only so much dubbed Boris Karloff you can put up with. In fact, the differences are so great that this disc gives you a handy 30-minute split screen feature to point out where they’re different in case you weren’t taking notes. Throw in Tim Lucas’s informative commentary and the only other thing you could want is the comedy ending with Boris Karloff on a fake horse. Don’t worry, it’s there on the Italian version.

Extras: Italian and English versions, audio commentary with Bava biographer and expert Tim Lucas plus Twice the Fear, a comparison of the different versions of the film

BLACK SABBATH (1963) / DIRECTOR: MARIO BAVA / SCREENPLAY: MARCELLO FONDATO, ALBERT BEVILACQUA, MARIO BAVA / STARRING: BORIS KARLOFF, MARK DAMON, MICHÈLE MERCIER, SUSY ANDERSON, LYDIA ALFONSI, GLAUCO ONORATO, JACQUELINE PIERREUX / RELEASED: OUT NOW

‘Never let strange men into your house’ is one of the lessons taught by mother!, and while that might be a point made by many a horror film (as well as any responsible parent), mother! is as far from your usual home invasion thriller as you can get. This is, after all, un film de Darren Aronofsky, the writer and director behind such psychologically warped movies as Pi, Requiem for a Dream, and Black Swan.

Jennifer Lawrence stars as mother, the wife of Javier Bardem’s Him, an acclaimed poet. They live in a beautiful house in the centre of a lush green field. Him is struggling with writer’s block, and one day lets in a visitor, Man (Ed Harris). mother immediately takes against Man, who smokes indoors, drinks heavily, and ignores any polite requests to follow house rules. But it soon gets worse when Man’s wife, Woman (Michelle Pfeiffer), becomes the second uninvited guest. And then their sons show up…

These events all take place in the first half of the film, and there are several more developments, but to describe them would firstly be very difficult, and secondly spoil the experience of discovering them for yourself. It’s fair to say, however, that the house becomes an increasingly oppressive environment for mother, as each new guest adds to the ruination of her paradise. Some truly shocking moments come towards the end of the film, as Aronofsky takes the character’s torment to levels you can’t quite believe were allowed to be shot; nevertheless, it’s a difficult film to look away from, thanks to a mesmerising performance from Lawrence, who’s on screen almost all the time, her face conveying a powerful mix of hopelessness and anger that anchors us emotionally through the increasingly surreal events.

The shocks aren’t there for the sake of it, though; this rich tapestry of a film can be interpreted how you like – perhaps as a Biblical allegory, as a meditation on the corrosive nature of fame and ego, or as a condemnation of humanity’s destruction of nature. Or you can just enjoy being taken on an intense fever dream, startlingly realised by a filmmaker at the top of his game. If you caught mother! in the cinema, it’s well worth revisiting now it’s available in home media to see what else you can pick up; and if you skipped it on first run, perhaps the more horrifying moments are more palatable from the comfort of your sofa anyway.

The DVD special features are interesting, if not comprehensive. The Downward Spiral is a half-hour behind the scenes doc, with some interesting insights from figures such as Aronofsky and producer Ari Handel, while a short featurette tells us about the film’s impressive make-up effects.

MOTHER! / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: DARREN ARONOFSKY / STARRING: JENNIFER LAWRENCE, JAVIER BARDEM, ED HARRIS, MICHELLE PFEIFFER, DOMNHALL GLEESON / RELEASE DATE: JANUARY 22ND

While watching Ritual, roughly around the hour mark, you’ll feel an overwhelming sense of relief. You’ll believe the worst is over, you’ll think the terror has reached its conclusion, you’ll hope for no more suffering – but you’ll be wrong… there’s at least another twenty minutes left!

When John (Dewanto) wakes half-buried in a shallow grave in some dense woods, his memory gone and his phone devoid of contacts, fear understandably sets in. When he then discovers a cabin where it seems his wife was murdered and his children abducted, he panics, only to discover that he himself is now being stalked by a mystery assailant.

As a summary, the above makes the flimsy, lazily elongated plot appear more interesting than it actually is. Instead of what could have been a taut, tense thriller, Ritual descends into a weary chase movie where you never really care who is chasing whom, or why. Random scenes of unpleasantness, presumably designed to shock an audience increasingly immune to blood and gore, smack of desperation and an effort to add depth to the narrative, but serve more as oddly implanted cut scenes from different films.

Terrible as the plot is, though, it is a high point when compared with the performances. It is hard to believe anyone member of the cast is a professional actor, so horribly and unenthusiastically delivered are the lines of dialogue. Granted, there is little to work with, but the impression you get is that everyone is simply going through the motions in order to get off the set and make it home as quickly as possible. It is rumoured Ritual was filmed in just nine days. Given that, and we’re speculating here, approximately two hours was spent on the script (and that includes making copies), and allowing time for sleep, it’s fair to say writer and director Joko Anwar has achieved something in managing to make a film in the first place. True, there are some impressive visuals but in ignoring filmmaking fundamentals, Anwar has wasted a real opportunity.

So back to those final twenty minutes. In order to avoid spoilers, we will not reveal the content of that final act, but it feels like the filmmakers themselves were confused. While most horror-literate viewers will have picked up where things were headed early on, it appears Anwar perhaps did not. Instead, there is an exposition-heavy conclusion that seems to go on and on and on…

Indonesian cinema is without doubt on the rise, but as with all things, there will be good and bad. Ritual is one of the latter.

RITUAL / CERT: TBC / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: JOKO ANWAR / STARRING: RIO DEWANTO, HANNAH AL RASHID, MARSHA TIMOTHY / RELEASE DATE: DECEMBER 26TH

In many ways, Our Evil, from first-time feature director and writer Samuel Galli, is a perfect debut. Cramming an ever-evolving creeping beast into 90 mins is no easy feat, but Galli seems determined to show off genre mastery and cinematic competence in equal measure. That, whilst putting the audience through one of the most bittersweet Indy horror experiences of 2017.

Arthur (Ademir Esteves) is a loving father who dotes on his daughter. Charles (Ricardo Casella) is a sadistic assassin-for-hire who records brutal snuff films for dark web viewers. The two cross paths and from there, things don’t go exactly as planned for one of them. It’s a tough film to abbreviate since it relies so heavily on surprise but that’s it in a nutshell.

What starts somewhere south of gruelling evolves into a studied portrait in pain, and finally into a possession flick. It’s a three-act film in which each act delivers another horror subgenre. For some, that’ll prove a refreshing three-course meal in contemporary horror cinema. For others, that twisting narrative could be a bit too spontaneous. There is a commendable, if vaguely desperate, desire to be fresh which perhaps sacrifices cohesiveness.

But what Our Evil lacks in cohesiveness it makes up for in slow-burn intrigue and ambitious genre-wary reveals. Genre theory aside, it’s a genuinely eerie film too, punctuated by a handful of vicious gut-punches and an overall sense of dread.

Galli matches his tightly wound story with suitably tight direction, no time is wasted, except perhaps in the finale, but nothing feels rushed either. It’s a careful and domestic kind of horror story somewhere between the likes of William Friedkin and Nicholas McCarthy. It’s subdued, family-centric, flashbacks are integral, and the nasty bits are Nasty.

It’s important to note that the first act’s torture porn scenes are disturbingly cruel but pointedly so. Once it’s made its point Our Evil goes on to argue that it’s not exploitative trash. Online snuff tapes and a sadistic hitman orbit around the quiet foundation of a surprisingly forward-thinking possession story.

In the same way, The Eyes of my Mother lyrically unpacked a host of classic horror films, Our Evil provides the same elegiac reinterpretation of popular possession films, approaching them from a kind of postmodern kamikaze vigilante angle.

An intriguing debut feature with a great sense of mystery, Our Evil keeps you wondering whilst pushing you deeper into murky waters. Lead actor Ademir Esteves is a superbly muted guide through this satanic long-game whilst Ricardo Casella is a pristinely realised human monster. That finale twist reveals gleefully, if a little abruptly, that Galli knows exactly what he’s doing. Our Evil is a tightly wound smorgasbord showcasing a looming horror talent.

OUR EVIL / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: SAMUEL GALLI / STARRING: ADEMIR ESTEVES, FERNANDO CARDOSO, RICARDO CASELLA, REINALDO COLMANETTI / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Legendary Japanese production company Toho return to their most successful franchise as Godzilla comes back to Japan in Shin Godzilla, a full reboot of the hugely popular series.

After unexplainable seismic activity and accidents occur in the Tokyo Bay area, the government convenes to tackle the problem. However, it’s not a natural disaster, but a beast that they have to contend with.

It’s good for Godzilla to be back in Toho’s hands and if you were disappointed with the 2014 American version then you might hope Shin Godzilla puts things right. I wouldn’t hold your breath. Shin Godzilla is a strange beast, and I’m not just talking about the massive lizard. If you wanted to see an almost piece by piece staging of the realistic governmental reaction to a massive monster suddenly appearing in a major city then this film has you covered. But that does mean that about 90% of the film is taken up with meetings in dull looking rooms for its two-hour running time. The film needlessly tells us what every room is and the name and job of every person speaking, even when we really don’t need to know. Unfortunately, the film is a lot more preoccupied in the bureaucracy than it is with the people, so Shin Godzilla lacks a human heart or anyone to really care about.

But what of the actual big guy himself? Well, he gets off to an auspicious start. Making literal waves, he starts as always from the depths of the sea. After all, where else could he hide? One of the main differences about this version of the Godzilla is that he goes through an evolutionary stage, first as an underwater creature before slowly making his way on to land. What appears is something of a disappointment. Bog-eyed and hampered by poor CGI, it looks like a deformed creature that was never meant to live. It’s in his second evolution and most recognisable form that he actually comes into his own. For some reason, the digital effects are much better and more believable in this iteration, and Godzilla is a gnarled mass of scar tissue, as imposing as he is physically interesting. He still has his atomic breath but this time a couple of other surprises and a hefty recharge time. The spectre of Nagasaki and Hiroshima still loom large in the creature with a massive amount of radioactive material being left behind wherever he goes.

The disc release gives those interested a fair amount of extras packed on to a second disc, with several VFX pieces highlighting one of the most successful parts of the film.

Shin Godzilla is a film filled with far more government meetings than Godzilla action. A lack of compelling characters and an abundance of bureaucracy make Godzilla’s big screen return a let-down.

SHIN GODZILLA . CERT: 12 / DIRECTOR: HIDEAKI ANNO, SHINJI HIGUCHI / SCREENPLAY: HIDEAKI ANNO, SEAN WHITLEY / SCREENPLAY: HIROKI HASEGAWA, YUTAKA TAKENOUCHI, SATOMI ISHIHARA / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Based on true events, Playground is a deeply disturbing thriller that is bound to polarize audiences and critics alike. Having already caused a mass walkout at its San Sebastian debut, it has quickly gained a notorious reputation due to the controversial nature of the film’s grueling climax. Split into six chapters and focusing on the lives of three 12-year-old children, we are able to witness their final day at school where a young girl named Gabrysia attempts to arrange a secret meeting with her schoolgirl crush, Szymek. Little does she know, however, what Szymek is truly capable of and, with his best friend Czarek by his side, we’re able to see how their troubling friendship leads up to an act of unfathomable cruelty.

With the first three chapters centering around each of the individual characters, we’re able to get a slight insight into their upbringings. First up is Gabrysia, who we see getting ready for school. Applying lipstick with childlike curiosity before being awkwardly interrupted by her father, there’s a sense that family life in this middle-class household is a cold and distant affair. Then there’s Szymek, who looks after his wheelchair-bound dad in a low rent apartment. Having taken on the role of carer, he helps his father with everyday tasks such as helping him go to the toilet, preparing breakfast and providing him with his medication. Sharing a joke or two along the way, he then gets ready to leave for school before a sudden outburst of violence tears down any preconception we may have initially formed. Finally, there’s Czarek, who lives in a run-down tower block with his mother. Having to share a bedroom with his crying baby brother, we see a noticeably detached Czarek at constant loggerheads with his mum. Arguing over trivial everyday matters, it’s abundantly clear that he resents his current situation and with nobody to turn to, we see how his anger begins to manifest itself.

The one common thread that connects all these characters together is their mutual disconnect from their parents. Being just one of many possible explanations for their behavior, we see other potential triggers get touched upon such as video games, neglect, the prevalent use of technology and the over-sexualization of children. Unfortunately, however, much like in real life, there is no definitive answer as to what is truly responsible for juvenile violence – which in many ways makes the topic all the more haunting. Directing his first feature film, Bartosz Kowalski has crafted an impeccable bit of cinema which has already gotten the critics talking. With a background which has largely consisted of documentaries, Kowalski has been able to implement those skills into chilling effect. Having used handheld cameras throughout, there’s a raw authenticity to the film which heightens the foreboding atmosphere for the viewer. What we’re then left with is a fly on the wall aesthetic which makes audience members feel like an intrusive spectator.

With strong performances by the entirety of the cast and a script which goes straight for the jugular, there’s a real kick to proceedings thanks to Playground’s 82-minute running time. It’s the last chapter, however, that has caused controversy due to the film’s events taking inspiration from the death of Jamie Bulger. One of the most notorious cases in British history, there are certain moral ethics that have been put into question and with a debate raging on as to whether or not some lines shouldn’t be crossed, one could argue that this is a prime example of fearless filmmaking.

Overall, Playground is a film which should be watched with extreme caution. With scenes of disturbing abuse shown in unwavering detail, the climax will leave even the most seasoned horror fans with a cold chill down their spine. Unflinching in its approach, hard-hitting in its delivery and horrifically executed at the end, this is a film which is bound to cause moral outrage for many years to come.

PLAYGROUND / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: BARTOSZ KOWALSKI / SCREENPLAY: BARTOSZ KOWALSKI & STANISLAW WARWAS / STARRING: NICOLAS PRZGODA, MICHALINA SWISTUN, PRZEMYSLAW BALINSKI / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

10-year-old Ronja is the daughter of the chieftain of a clan of bandits, living in a mountain stronghold at the centre of a vast forest. On the night of her birth a bolt of lightning split the keep in two, leaving a wide chasm separating the halves, and now a rival tribe has moved in to the empty side. With them came their leader’s son Birk, with whom Ronja develops first a mutual antagonism and then a growing friendship as she begins to mature from girl to adolescent.

Animated by multi-disciplined animation studio Polygon (with unspecified co-production from anime titans Studio Ghibli) and directed by Gorō Miyazaki – son of Ghibli co-founder Hayao and previously the director of the mediocre Tales From Earthsea and far more accomplished From Up On Poppy Hill – visually Ronja the Robber’s Daughter is luminous. Animated with CG cel shading over painted backgrounds, every frame allows you to bask in the wild verdant majesty of the sprawling forest, smell its fresh unsullied foliage, and feel the crisp chill of winter’s snow or the warmth of the summer sun. As well as the expansive woodland terrain, the medieval fantasy setting also contains the wonderfully weird creations Ronja encounters, such as the malevolent bird-women harpies, the territorial porcupine-like grey dwarves, and the tiny subterranean humanoid rumphobs, all further developing the self-contained but highly believable world.

Adapted from the children’s novel of the same name by Pippi Longstocking author Astrid Lindgren, Ronja’s core themes are universal and will easily appeal to its younger viewers. As you grow up, you begin to see your parents not as unassailable deities ruling your whole existence, but as mere people with their own faults and fallibilities. As you separate from them you seek to establish yourself and develop your own identity, and with Ronja herself being so independent, carefree and adventurous, kids will see in her someone they would love to be like.

Although the story follows its source material fairly faithfully, the pace at which it does is borderline glacial. Entire episodes are spent on single situations that could be resolved to equal satisfaction in a matter of minutes, and the overarching plot is nowhere near complicated enough to require anything like the series’ 26 episodes to fully tell it. It would have worked far better as a feature film (like the book was previously adapted in 1984) and also wouldn’t have run the risk of straining the limited attention span of its target audience.

Overall, Ronja the Robber’s Daughter is a bright, charming and inoffensive series that will delight the children at which it’s aimed, but adults will find their patience wearing thin long before the conclusion.

RONJA THE ROBBER’S DAUGHTER / CERT: PG / DIRECTOR: GORÔ MIYAZAKI / SCREENPLAY: TOM PALLAI, DAVID FREEDMAN, LYN FREEDMAN, DAN HENRY / STARRING: TERESA GALLAGHER, RUFUS HOUND, MORWENNA BANKS, KELLY ADAMS, GILLIAN ANDERSON / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Directed and written by newcomer Adam Alleca, Standoff is a gripping new thriller boasting two fantastic performances from Laurence Fishburne and Thomas Jane.  A suspenseful tale of murder and redemption, a young girl’s life hangs in the balance of a lonely veteran after becoming a witness to a murder scene.

Burdened with what she’s witnessed, Bird (Ella Ballentine), is hunted by the merciless assassin known as Sade (Laurence Fishburne). Finding refuge in a secluded home, she’s protected by the skilled veteran Carter (Thomas Jane). Armed with just one shell, Carter’s conflict with Sade reaches an impasse in the confinements of his small home. Not willing to give up the girl, Carter attempts to find redemption by saving her.

It doesn’t take long for Standoff to kick things into gear, as it immediately presents Sade as a thunderous presence. Recently known for his role in NBC’s Hannibal, Fishburne channels an altogether different type of character. Psychotic, cold and calculated, it’s completely new territory for the talented actor – and it’s an astounding performance too.

Thomas Jane’s Carter is also a man with his own set of dangerous skills. Dealing with his own personal demons, Carter utilises all of his past army training to stop Sade at all costs. Slightly reminiscent of his past portrayal of the Punisher, Thomas Jane’s role is a stark reminder that he is criminally underutilised in cinema today.

Having the film mostly take place in the isolated home allows room for some superb storytelling, which is aided by a paunchy script. Full of one-liners and great speeches throughout, Alleca’s script allows Fishburne to truly flourish as Sade. Arguably the highlight of the entire film, viewers may find themselves captivated with Sade’s ostentatious display, as his lethal practices and threats are downright despicable.

The story itself has a strong, tight focus with some decent plot developments, but ultimately Standoff’s final moments may leave viewers desiring a bit more. Wrapping up the plot quickly, the film has a strong build up, only to finish on just more than a whimper. Regarding the tense stalemate between both characters, the ending could’ve been a little more climactic.

Whether or not some may find Carter’s backstory a little forced remains to be seen, but it’s the driving force for the character and it works well enough. Ella Ballentine’s role as Bird also manages to be a commendable effort, never once failing to convince viewers of her turmoil.

Standoff is a wondrous display of two talented actors that need more recognition. Some scenes have some surprisingly decent composition too, which propels Standoff from being more than your typical b-movie fare. It has decent production values and is well paced, save for the disappointing ending.

Running at approximately an hour and a half, Adam Alleca’s Standoff is a strong entry. Having previously worked on the remake The Last House on the Left, Adam Alleca proves his worth with his directorial debut, as a filmmaker who is set to impress.

STANDOFF / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: ADAM ALLECA / SCREENPLAY: ADAM ALLECA / STARRING: LAURENCE FISHBURNE, THOMAS JANE, ELLA BALLENTINE / RELEASE DATE: 11TH JANUARY 

 

 

What’s more macho than Kurt Russell in his finest moustache, playing a grizzled Sheriff, fighting cannibal cave dwellers in the old west? Manly man director S. Craig Zahler follows up his incredible debut feature Bone Tomahawk with something completely different – but no less idiosyncratic or machismo-drenched.

Vince Vaughn practically oozes testosterone as tattooed thug Bradley Thomas – a man who is as much victim to circumstance as he is his own unbending morals. Forced to turn to crime after losing his job and unborn baby, Bradley takes to drug dealing in a last-ditch effort to save his marriage. Unfortunately, Brad’s bad luck – and moral code – leave him jailed, in debt to gangsters and, crucially, very angry about it.

His wife and latest unborn child kidnapped, Bradley is blackmailed into murdering a man on the infamously horrible Cell Block 99. The only problem is, Bradley is on a completely different wing in a completely different prison. With his wife and kid’s lives at stake, Bradley must punch his way through the prison system, like Charlie Bronson with a motivation, or an incarcerated Grand Theft Auto protagonist. ‘Brawl’ is putting it mildly, though.

Limbs break at every angle, bones crack, heads smash and – in the most disturbing cinematic head stomp since American History X – faces scrape. Zahler never once flinches from his violence, doing for the prison fight genre what Bone Tomahawk did for cannibals. Crucially, he rarely glorifies it either, making his fight sequences disturbing and upsetting. As with his previous feature, Zahler moves at his own pace, allowing the story to unfold naturally and with terrifying inevitability. To this, the director brings a sensibility usually reserved for such torture flicks as Hostel and A Serbian Film – not so much a genre twist this time around as taking the prison film as far as it will go. But even as the prison guards get more sadistic and his fellow inmates turn the knife, Bradley is up to the challenge. He may not enjoy inflicting violence for violence’s sake, but Bradley is very good at it… and so, surprisingly, is Vaughn, in the career comeback he’s been threatening since True Detective Series Two.

If not the violence, some will baulk at the retrograde Damsel in Distress subplot for Jennifer Carpenter (good, but a little wasted), and the unashamed like-it-or-lump-it conservatism of the story and its themes. Brawl in Cell Block 99 makes few concessions to its audience, expecting them to stick with the relatively slow pace and stretches of time between fights. Go in expecting just another prison punching movie and one will be sorely disappointed. This is no triumphant jailhouse beat ‘em up, nor the next Shawshank Redemption – quite the opposite, in fact. As it drags its reluctant antihero down to the depths of a Salo-esque torture prison, Brawl in Cell Block 99 is, quite exquisitely, the ultimate feel-bad prison movie.

Special Features: Journey to the Brawl making-of

BRAWL IN CELL BLOCK 99 / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: S. CRAIG ZAHLER / STARRING: VINCE VAUGHN, JENNIFER CARPENTER, MARC BLUCAS, ROB MORGAN, DON JOHNSON, UDO KIER / RELEASE DATE: DECEMBER 26TH

It’s possibly one of the maddest pitches you’ll hear this year: a group of aggrieved women inveigle their way into the local monastery on the night of a debauched celebration, to take revenge on the monks who sold their families into slavery, just as a party of Vikings arrive on the run from some tree demons – and the three disparate groups, plus the lord of the manor, invited to partake in the monks’ revelry, and some men held captive in the dungeon waiting to be sold as slaves, must band together to try and survive the night, before making their escape if they can overpower the slave traders’ ship, due to arrive at dawn.

Shame the filmmakers didn’t stick by the original name Attack of the Tree Beasts, which makes more sense of this ludicrous, bloody, foul-mouthed, micro-budgeted nonsense, as Viking Siege isn’t really a title that conjures up just how ridiculous the whole thing truly is. The only way to make something like this work, would be if first-time director Jack Burton could manage to persuade the cast of mostly novices – a smattering of short film and television work between them – to play it all with enough gusto and conviction to sell the absurdity to the watching audience. To be fair to Burton, he more or less does.

What this badly wants to be, is The Sword and the Sorcerer, the 1982 Conan the Barbarian rip-off that showed Milius’ ponderous epic how much fun smocks and monsters can be, and so it is replete with lurid characterisation, bucketsful of blood, and brash fight sequences, enough that it very rarely stops for breath and when it does so, generally only because those characters we’ve been marked out to care about have a bit of glaring or arguing to attend to. With the whole film recorded on one location – the vast majority of it taking place within a single room – it might easily have sunk into tediousness if the tone hadn’t been set so archly and, crucially, if Shaun Moseley’s old-fashioned, melodramatic score hadn’t been used throughout, distracting attention from the cheap film-work and occasionally dodgy performances.

Worth singling out are James Groom as Lord Osmund, a bit of a ringer for a younger Rupert Graves, and Sarah Driver and Rosanna Hoult, two young ladies with enough confidence in their performances to suggest they’ve a future ahead of them. Much less successful are the “Tree Bastards”, little more than rough tunics and green-tendrilled masks, but there’s an in-universe explanation that makes them just about forgivable. Make no mistake, this is not by any stretch of the imagination A Good Film. It is, however, surprisingly entertaining in all sorts of odd ways.

Special Features: Trailer

VIKING SIEGE / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: JACK BURTON / SCREENPLAY: PHILIP DYAS, ALASTAR KIRTON / STARRING: MICHELLE McTERNAN, SARAH DRIVER, ROSANNA HOULT, ALAN BOOTY, PHIL DEGUARA, JAMES GROOM / RELEASE DATE: DECEMBER 26TH