Imagine if a tryst between Johns Wick and McClane had produced Beatrix Kiddo as their love child. Next, suppose that she’d checked into the Grand Budapest Hotel for a game of hide-and-seek with a cult of Satan-worshipping lunatics. Now picture what a side-scrolling video game adaptation of that film might look like.
Thrown onto this wild ride is Asia Reaves, a seemingly unassuming young woman who takes on a housekeeping job at a luxurious New York high-rise. As she settles in for the night, Asia comes to realise that there’s more going on than meets the eye… but that’s fine, the murderous denizens of the Virgil are in for an eye-watering wake-up call too.
Of its many influences, the fingerprints of Quentin Tarantino are all over this thing – extreme bloodletting, red ball gags, toe-slurping and all. If that sounds insufferable, then They Will Kill You probably isn’t your tempo. It’s a relentless onslaught of violence, exploding body parts and geysers of blood, compounded by an insanely game performance from star Zazie Feetz – sorry, Beetz – as Asia.
Standing in the way of a touching family reunion (an unexpected parallel to Ready or Not 2) is house mother Lily (Patricia Arquette, saddled with an inexplicable Irish accent) and her clan of dark deity-worshipping monsters. This includes Draco Malfoy star Tom Felton as hapless Kevin (his best post-Potter performance since Rise of the Planet of the Apes), and a scene-stealing Heather Graham in her most eye-opening role to date. It’s a fun cast, with Myha’la and Peep Show’s Paterson Joseph also popping up to ensure that things don’t get too one-sided in either direction.
It’s all deeply silly, but Beetz and director Kirill Sokolov commit wholeheartedly to the bit, utilising the logic of a video game to deliver fight sequence after fight sequence, each more beat-’em-up coded than the last. It’s exhausting viewing, but never outstays its welcome, throwing Asia into a new situation or peril before the previous scene has had time to get stale. Barely pushing ninety minutes, it barrels from brisk setup to bonkers ending, never losing momentum or pausing for thought.
THEY WILL KILL YOU is out in UK cinemas from March 27th, 2026.
