Review Category: DVD/Blu Ray

Mona Lisa is often referenced by many as a bona fide classic of British cinema, and it does indeed deserve the majority of the praise that’s regularly lavished on it. Now comes a re-release of Neil Jordan’s 1986 Bob Hoskins-starrer from Arrow Films.

Plot-wise, George (Hoskins) has just been released after having spent some time at Her Majesty’s pleasure. With his wife wanting nothing to do with him, he ends up getting a job through his old boss, Mortwell (Michael Caine), which involves him becoming the driver for a high class call girl (Cathy Tyson). As George’s rough-and-ready, lower class persona clashes with what call girl Simone expects, the relationship between the two is tumultuous at best. Before he knows it though, George strikes up a bond with Simone and finds himself assisting her as she delves further into a dark and murky underworld in order to try and find a missing person.

As has been so often said about Mona Lisa, it’s a charming, pulsating journey that’s a mish-mash of crime thriller, drama and romance, laced with just a smidge of humour. The key players all sparkle at the right moments, with Hoskins sublime in a turn only bettered by his performance in The Long Good Friday and Caine on scenery-chewing ‘nasty bastard’ form. Like-wise, Cathy Tyson puts in a multi-layered and excellently-delivered shift as call girl Simone. Away from that, Robbie Coltrane lightens the mood a little as George’s best mate and Clarke Peters does a decent enough job in a pivotal role to a lot of the seedier goings-on of the film. In the smaller supporting roles, though, a couple of performances do stand out a little for all the wrong reasons, with Sammi Davies putting in a particular stinker of a performance as a 15-year-old tied up in a world of violence and sex.

With all of the fantastic re-releases that Arrow Films have put out as of late, so much of the appeal of these products is the extras that accompany the main feature. In this regard, Mona Lisa sadly falls a little short. There’s a great commentary from director Jordan and star Hoskins, and there’s some nice, reflective new interviews with Jordan, writer David Leland and producer Stephen Woolley, but in comparison to some of the bursting-at-the-seams releases that Arrow have put together previously, Mona Lisa just feels like it’s been a little short-changed.

In fairness, what bonus content is included will all be of interest to anybody with an affinity for this classic of British filmmaking, and Mona Lisa has never smiled as bright as with this newly restored HD transfer of one of the brightest shining lights of British cinema. Even now, as Mona Lisa approaches its twentieth anniversary, the film is still as enjoyable and gripping as its ever been.

Special Features: Commentary with Neil Jordan and Bob Hoskins / Interviews / Theatrical trailer

INFO: MONA LISA / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: NEIL JORDAN / SCREENPLAY: NEIL JORDAN, DAVID LELAND / STARRING: BOB HOSKINS, CATHY TYSON, MICHAEL CAINE, ROBBIE COLTRANE, CLARKE PETERS / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

 

Giant robots piloted by plucky teenagers are a staple of Japanese animation, and Patlabor is one of the classics of this distinct subgenre. This is due to its strong premise. At some point in the future, human piloted-industrial robots (called ‘labors’) become a commonplace thing. Big, powerful robot suits are used for construction and other difficult, labour-intensive work. Inevitably, organised crime starts to use these suits to commit exciting new types of crime and so the police also have to get themselves some giant robots to keep up. These are called patrol labours, which is shortened (and Amercanised) to Patlabor.

Or to put it another way, Patlabor is cop show where they ride around in mechanical fighting machines rather than cars. The show started out as a manga (comic strip) in 1988 and Patlabor OVA Series Two was made in 1990. Alas, it really, really shows its age. 25 years ago we simply didn’t have the production techniques and technology required to produce lots of quality animation quickly and cheaply. The show looks crude and cheap, which is a pity because the characters and plot are rather good, once you get past the rather clunky dialogue.

The episodes are a strange mix of procedural crime drama, surreal whimsy and robot-on-robot action (with a little bit of comedy thrown in when you’re not looking). Plots include hiding a kitten from senior management, tracking down a treasure-excreting alligator, fighting off an alien invasion (in what is a very jokey episode), and awkward sit-com-style romantic get-aways.

The result is an enjoyable yet mixed collection of stories. There is no hidden message here, no clever metaphor or examination of life; it’s all about the fun. Those who don’t like subtitles may struggle (only some of the episodes are dubbed into English), but the rest of us will have a chuckle at this old but still interesting show.

Special Features: None

INFO: PATLABOR OVA SERIES 2 COLLECTION / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: NAOYUKI YOSHINAGA / SCREENPLAY: KAZUNORI ITO / STARRING: ARIHIRO HASE, DAN GREEN, FLAVIO ROMEO, AMI SHUKLA / RELEASE DATE: JULY 13TH

 

Swedish auteur Roy Andersson returns with Venice Film Festival’s Golden Lion victor, A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence. This tale cements the director’s international acclaim and rounds off his trilogy of ‘human being’ films – which also contains Songs From the Second Floor, released 2000, and You, the Living, released in 2007.

The true quality of his latest film lies in the work of Istvan Borbas and Gergely Palos’ cinematography; together with Andersson’s slow-paced comedy they offer the audience an experience of zombified enchantment, at times it feels like they shot each scene within a Nordic wax museum. Interestingly, the sparse colour palette and subdued lighting creates an effective image of vapidity; something Andersson no doubt intended to marry with his quirky original narrative.

As far as storytelling goes, A Pigeon Sat on a Branch explores a variety of average human lives; two novelty item salesmen who seem to have only just caught onto the idea of plastic vampire teeth, a sea captain turned barber, and an elderly gentlemen who may have got both the date and time wrong for a lunch meeting (among others). This is Andersson’s semi-slapstick depiction of modern life, something that will most likely divide mainstream audiences due to its dry characteristics.

A slight comparison to Wes Anderson stylistics cannot be swerved here; through appreciating the framing and musical tones throughout the film, even the script begins to appear this way – which works in favour of a commercial audience. Thanks to the incessantly triumphant strings of Andersson’s musical choice, A Pigeon Sat on a Branch frequently forces you into cheerful acceleration, even when casually entwined with on-screen cardiac arrest and fatality. Rarely will you find a film so honest when concerning real life, yet this brilliant relevance could be received as boring by some viewers.

Sliced into numerous segments over a duration of 101 minutes, the film throws in a short opening chapter named Three Meetings with Death – the highlight of which captures a sibling squabble at the bedside of a dying elderly woman, who at all costs attempts to stop her son from taking her beloved jewellery bag.  She firmly believes that this item will travel with her through to the afterlife. The director pulls out a sense of sheepishness from each of his actors, here the old bed-ridden mother fills the gaps with amusing squeals of noncompliance, with further characters offering a host of ghoulish voices and personas.

Acting as the sole writer of this project, Andersson is a unique European voice who clearly enjoys interrogating the realm of comedy-dramas. During the snippet of a dance class routine, he transforms this choreographed art into an entertaining piece of sexual tension, in which the curious instructor slowly moves her hands across the body of her leading male. Her expressions and shyness portrayed here reinforce the idea of Andersson’s talent for reserved comedic anguish, and the film itself benefits from the unrecognisable actors, long takes and scattered dialogue.

In terms of Blu-ray and DVD supplements, A Pigeon Sat on a Branch doesn’t particularly offer anything of interest, a scene selection menu literally being the most noteworthy. However, this is ironically understandable due to the film’s focus on bland reality and hollow endeavours, although it would’ve been fascinating to hear at least a director’s commentary on the disc. You could say this introverted product package was purpose built to tie in with the banal themes existing in the film, but for a mainstream market this will surely extinguish sales numbers and film fanatics’ hopes.

Special Features: None

INFO: A PIGEON SAT ON A BRANCH REFLECTING ON EXISTENCE / CERT: 12 / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: ROY ANDERSSON / STARRING: NILS WESTBLOM, HOLGER ANDERSSON / RELEASE DATE: JULY 13TH
 
 

The slasher movie has long been in decline. In its ‘80s heyday, slasher films were a dime-a-dozen, with new titles popping up almost every week, with a diverse range of quality. For every classic there were a dozen duds. As a result, apart from the odd remake, sequel or occasional attempt at a new franchise, we don’t see many anymore.

But GirlHouse is recreating those gravy train moments once more.

Set in the eponymous house, which is also an online porn site where members can request that the girls do anything in front of the cameras that stands within reason – and there are cameras everywhere – a new girl, Kylie (Ali Cobrin), joins and immediately the viewers take a liking to her. One member, Loverboy (Slaine), in particular takes a fancy to her. Only problem is that Loverboy has serious girl issues stemming from when he was a child and does not deal well with rejection or being belittled.

Although the house is in a secret location and has the best security that money can buy, Loverboy has some very handy IT skills and manages to work out where both the house and control centres are. After being made to feel small, he decides to don a psycho killer costume, that just so happens to hang in his basement, and kill everyone involved in the website and house as brutally as he can. Only an amorous friend of Kylie’s in the real world can hope to find the house and stop the massacre before it’s too late.

There are some slightly uncomfortable moments of voyeurism that make you wonder if you should be watching this, but the gratuitous nudity is kept to a minimum and the kills are impressively nasty. Let’s just say that Loverboy is in no way subtle when it comes to dispatching his victims, male and female. Interestingly, the girls aren’t bitchy towards each other as you’d probably expect them to be, and so apart from the token drug addict you actually feel a bit sad as each one gets picked off.

If you have fond memories of the titillating and gore laden ‘80s slasher films, of which this is a pretty good homage, then you should find something to entertain you here.

INFO: GIRLHOUSE / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: JON KNAUTZ, TREVOR MATTHEWS / SCREENPLAY: NICK GORDON / STARRING: ALI COBRIN, ADAM DIMARCO, SLAINE, ALYSON BATH / RELEASE DATE: JULY 20TH

 

Adapted from the cult French comic-book series Metal Hurlant (better known in certain territories as Heavy Metal), Metal Hurlant Chronicles ran for only just 12 episodes over the course of two seasons from 2012-14, and was basically an anthology show with juxtaposing stories all loosely tied together by a sole surviving fragment of a living planet (a lump of screaming metal) that’s travelling and hurtling through time and space.

With the series gaining a cult status from its core fanbase, one would’ve expected this series to be a hit; except the show is actually more hit-and-miss with more misses than hits. When done right, sci-fi anthology shows can be great fun and legendary in their own right, with the classic example being The Twilight Zone, with each story perfectly told within the half-hour and wrapping up with a unique twist.

Despite the intention of being hammy and OTT like its source material, the writing is generally ropey and there was rarely any investment in each story’s outcome. Even if you’re a casual viewer, most of the twists in this series will be easy to predict from a mile away before the ultimate reveal at the end. Plus, even clocking in at around 22 minutes for each instalment, there’s an awful lot of ‘Basil Exposition’ style padding that can become extraneous after a while.

The CGI effects look like something out of a computer game with the actors looking completely out of place with the obviously green-screened backgrounds, and frankly there are certain video games out there that look better than this does. Some of the fight choreography doesn’t work well either; it feels staged, unconvincing like as if the actors aren’t even trying, and the over-extended use of slow-mo shots only prolonged the agony and made the flaws more obvious to witness.

Despite being rarely on screen together, the drama is quite good and there is something quite hilarious about seeing actors like Rutger Hauer, Michael Jai White and Joe Flanigan giving camp and overripe performances whilst spouting out parodically bad dialogue. Also, there were some good episodes scattered through this series, like Episode Two, Shelter Me, where Michelle Ryan wakes up in a strange room with James Marsters as her creepy neighbour, and it was in this episode where the drama, performances and central twist worked effectively. Also, Episode Five (Master of Destiny, which was the episode that was heavily marketed on the promos and DVD/Blu-ray covers) was pure entertainment, even though, despite being unadulterated eye-candy in a tight-leather catsuit, it’s quite impossible to fully believe Kelly Brook as a professional thief for hire. Really?

In a way, Metal Hurlant Chronicles is a 50/50 show, treading firmly on the line between “it’s so bad it’s good” and “so bad it’s actually bad”. It does have some episodes that are fun to watch and makes the whole experience worthwhile, and if you’re a die-hard fan of episodic science fiction, then this will probably be for you, but occasionally it’s so ludicrously bad in its execution, it makes 300: Rise of an Empire look like the work of a true genius.

METAL HURLANT CHRONICLES / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: GUILLAUME LUBRANO / SCREENPLAY: VARIOUS / STARRING: SCOTT ADKINS, KARL E. LANDLER, DOMINIQUE PINON, KELLY BROOK, RUTGER HAUER, JAMES MARSTERS / RELEASE DATE: JULY 20TH
 

From Arms Corporation, the fanservice specialist studio that brought you Aesthetica of a Rogue Hero and the upcoming echhi-fest Valkyrie Drive, comes the follow-up to the 2010 series Samurai Girls, plumbed from Akira Suzuki’s ongoing series of light novels. Like Aesthetica, Samurai Bride has a pretty interesting set up and no shortage of ideas. In this case, it mixes the cornerstones of contemporary Japanese culture with the Sengoku period, imagining a setting where Tokugawa shogunate never ended and a samurai speckled Great Japan remained right into the modern day. It employs some of the same conventions of steampunk, but forging its own cosy niche well in need of its own term (samurai-punk, maybe?). For this inventive idea alone, it’s worth a watch, but the borderline hentai fanservice is difficult to look past if you’re either put off by or simply unused to it.

Picking up from events in Samurai Girls, General Muneakira Yagyū returns from his training journey to find the scantily clad gals have turned the dojo into maid café to combat the financial crisis and pay off their mounting debt. Meanwhile, the recently resurrected dark samurai are causing mischief, teasing a hidden agenda and setting their swords on the girls’ strongest member, Jūbei Yagyū. In amidst the usual gaggle of gender-swapped samurai figures, comes a few new characters to keep things ticking along.

Hyakka Ryōran: Samurai Bride is a series that puts goofiness and fanservice above everything else, in a flurry of increasingly embarrassing scenarios including a panty stealing monkey and orally invasive tentacles. Its real strength is in the startlingly beautiful animation which draws on the traditional feudal-era art style (and adding stars to our rating). The character models are vividly rendered, with thick black outlines as they flit and fight in the immersive pastel shaded backdrops and settings. The scene transitions are splattered in Okami-esque ink splats for a stylish but trying 12 episodes.

Extras: Samurai Bride Shorts; Preview; Promo; Opening/Closing Animation; Previews of Other Titles.

HYAKKA RYŌRAN: SAMURAI BRIDE / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: KOBUN / SCREENPLAY: SATORU NISHIZONO / STARRING: CHINATSU AKASAKI, SAORI GOTÔ, YÔKO HIKASA / RELEASE DATE: JULY 6TH
 

Furious is a B-movie like no other; a martial arts film like no other; the best way to describe it simply, is it’s nuts! Everyone has heard of martial arts revenge films but have you heard of a martial arts/sci-fi/fantasy film with aliens and sorcery before? Doubtful.

Furious is just that, it will fulfil all your needs for something that’s just absolute bonkers. It will make you cry with laughter because some wizard dude turns his enemies to chickens and the most dialogue comes from a creepy Buddha statue and a dying pig.

The opening scene sees a female warrior chased in the mountains by a group of hooligans that appear to be ‘wildlings’ straight from north of the Wall. The woman has in her possession some mystical tusk that seems to work as some ancient GPS. She manages to fend off a couple of these Icelandic-looking warriors but is eventually bested and killed for this magical tusk. Back in a tree hut, the woman’s brother, Simon, discovers she has been murdered so he sets out to avenge her death. Simon is a martial arts teacher who seeks out his own former teacher, Chan, to help and that is where the lunacy really begins. Talks of replicants, corruption, men in white jumpsuits, and a mad sorcerer; it’s all up to Simon to conquer this evil force.

Actor/stuntman Simon Rhee (Simon) brings some good choreography to the film (he is known for having the most beautiful kicks). In Furious, the fights are only let down by the rather bad sound design that is too distracting to really enjoy the action. Rhee has now built an extensive career as a stuntman that has led him to films such as Dark Knight Rises and Captain America: Winter Soldier. Philip Rhee (Chan) is also a master martial artist best known for the Best of the Best film franchise. So despite how hilariously bad this film might seem, it actually helped shape careers, so it just goes to show!

Writer and directors Tim Everett and Tom Satori created this film on next to nothing, but with an insane plot, crazed characters and wacky scenes, it’s no wonder this badly-dubbed film became such an underground cult favourite. Who doesn’t want to see minutes of footage of a single shot involving an old lady eating chicken whilst a magician performs tricks and a man spins swords? Everett now works in visual effects and Satori is a colourist, so it would be interesting to see what their combined minds could cook up now and if it would still be as insane as Furious. See it to believe it; although even then, you probably still won’t.

FURIOUS (1984) / CERT: TBC / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: TIM EVERETT AND TOM SATORI / STARRING: SIMON RHEE, PHILIP RHEE, ARLENE MONTANO, HOWARD JACKSON / RELEASE DATE: TBC (UK), JULY 26TH (US)
 

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE III (FINAL SEQUENCE)

Following up the earthshakingly shocking 2009 First Sequence with the ‘meta’ Full Sequence (2011) was a brave and surprising thing to do. However, with the Final Sequence in The Human Centipede world, creator Tom Six has warped cinematic reality even further by acknowledging that the first two films are, indeed, fiction and real movies, and even appear onscreen himself.

This instalment takes place in an American prison, where the inmates are running riot and the head honcho, Bill Boss (Laser) would be pulling his hair out if he had any. His tough measures are certainly not working, but that doesn’t stop his sadistic tendencies and demand for respect. After an ultimatum from the local Governor (Roberts), right-hand man and (kind of) rational accountant Dwight Butler (Harvey) comes up with an idea: bind the prisoners together to form a 500-man human centipede, just like the one he’s seen in the movies. Boss isn’t won over at first, lambasting him and his suggestion, “You look precisely like this retard pervert” he yells.

Butler even invites director Tom Six (himself) to give his approval of the scheme. With a surgeon who’s only practicing there as he’s struck off and Boss becoming increasingly unhinged and volatile, a plan is put in place to make the world’s first Prison Human Centipede!

What might come as a surprise to most, is that this third film is actually quite restrained when it comes to the gore and shocking visuals. That’s not to say there’s not plenty here to turn stomachs; believe us, Six is still not pulling his punches! But most of the upsetting things are in the dialogue and actions of the wonderfully over-the-top Bill Boss. Laser appears to be having the time of his life; gurning, tongue-flicking, screaming obscenities and racial abuse while being an absolute bastard to the inmates and his secretary, the sole female character (played by Olson). While her treatment is reprehensible (and incredibly disturbing), one would have expected it to be a hell of a lot worse, particularly when the film purported to be the most offensive film yet. It’s made very clear that Boss, like all bullies, is actually a massive coward who uses his aggression to compensate. Only the stupidest viewer would side with this insane despot.

The film will offend, though, and is certainly not for many tastes. Even fans of the original two may struggle; but stick with it, as there’s a lot of spot-on satire and warped, black humour to be found. Six has managed, once again, to give his critics the fuel they desire to hate him, but by playing against expectations, he’s delivered a funny, sickening and surprising conclusion to his trilogy that has split opinion from day one.

Disturbing in his portrayal of Doctor Heiter, here Dieter Laser is beyond terrifying as the psychopathic Boss. And Laurence Harvey, who as Martin was silent and deadly, shows his true talent for comedy and pathos as the put-upon Butler. Even if his Southern drawl shows signs of Southern Wigan at times. His Oliver Hardy appearance plays perfectly against Boss’ perverse Kurtz.

If Full Sequence was Six deconstructing his audience, Final Sequence is a deconstruction of the rest of the world. From the US (and no doubt elsewhere) penal system (by way of Guantanamo Bay) to human rights, to the ludicrous pressures of budgets. It’s not the Centipede you were expecting but is definitely one that has legs.

Extras: Alternate Ending / Very Entertaining Behind the Scenes Footage, filmed by producer Ilona Six. 

INFO: CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: TOM SIX / STARRING: DIETER LASER, LAURENCE R. HARVEY, BREE OLSON, ERIC ROBERTS / RELEASE DATE: JULY 10TH (LIMITED) JULY 20TH (DVD/BLU-RAY/VOD) 

As technology advances there are many fears that come with this advancement, however one universal positive is that forgotten pictures from the past are being re-introduced to the market thanks to DVD and Blu-ray discs. Some end up finding a whole new audience, others merely leave obscurity for a short while before returning there, and others just stay in their little curio corners. You might say the latter could apply to this DVD release of Peter Sykes’ 1971 horror film Venom (also known as The Legend of Spider Forest). Despite sounding like another in the highly populated ‘nature attacks’ genre, the focus of this unusual offering is on arachnids, mad scientists and baffling plots and not big ass snakes… sadly.

Venom tells the story of young artist Paul Greville (Simon Brent) holidaying in a remote region of Bavaria, however his peaceful trip soon turns into something more nightmarish as he encounters a strange woman (Neda Aneric) surrounded by mystery and more seems to be going on in this small community than meets the eye. The strangest thing about this discombobulating mash of ideas, genres and images is that while in many ways a terrible film it is certainly not uninteresting. From the opening green-tinted sex and death scene to a ludicrous last minute dose of transvestism (that is so laughably spontaneous it feels like someone in the crew mentioned Psycho so they threw it in), this horror makes not a lick of sense. Building initially as a Wicker Man-like folklore horror surrounding local legends of a “Spider Goddess” before becoming a mad scientist flick, Venom is less a film more a group of ideas glued together.

There are some flourishes of creepy mystique within this curious offering but come the end of it you are more puzzled than frightened. Assorted sex scenes, hairy spiders, whippings and vacant-faced females populate a film that narratively gets lost and eventually ends up as a truly bizarre viewing experience. At times Venom feels like a naff video oddity, and in all fairness those of you with kooky tastes will probably dig the film’s dizzyingly trippy vibe. The acting is stilted, with some campy vibes being visible in scenes that are probably meant to be menacing. Still, Brent is not bad in the lead and Aneric gives a weirdly hypnotic performance as the film’s enigmatic female figure.

All in all it is hard to summarise ones feelings about a film as odd as this. There are films out there that are weirder and there are films out there that are better, but few other films casually abandon logic as this one does. Plots come and go at random in Venom and all of them amount to pretty much nothing by the end of this head scratchingly silly cheap B-movie. The picture quality, repetitive score and unfocused direction all place the film in its era, and while this DVD does give us chance to see a forgotten curio, perhaps there is a reason this one was forgotten. Odd, not boring though, just nonsensically odd, silly and laughably straight-faced with its ridiculous content. Wanting logic? Then you might want to pick another poison.

Special Features: None

DVD REVIEW: VENOM/ CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: PETER SYKES / SCREENPLAY: DEREK FORD, DONALD FORD / STARRING: SIMON BRENT, NEDA ANERIC, SHEILA ALLEN, DEREK NEWARK / RELEASE DATE: JULY 6TH

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10 

Actual Rating:

Lurking somewhere in the middle of Hazard’s tame blood-letting and cheap runaround thrills is a brittle and coruscating parody of nauseating shock-value reality shows and the Grade A imbeciles who choose to surrender their dignity and self-esteem for the chance of thirty minutes on television. Unfortunately Lou Simon’s clunky script isn’t smart enough to really get stuck into its well-deserved targets and the end result is another mercifully-brief mad-rampaging-killer thriller full of unsympathetic and mean-minded people who deserve nothing less than an axe in the back of the head.

Fears that we might be in ‘found footage’ territory are quickly assuaged (although the film makes use of recorded material from its show-within-a-movie concept) as we meet the slightly smug crew of cheap reality show Scary Antics which puts real people in scary situations and then frightens the living daylights out of them, Candid Camera style (ask an ancient relative). Ratings are higher but the budget’s tight and the show’s producer Dave (Todd Bruno) is keen to make a real splash with the show’s latest saps. A bunch of unpleasant kids lure their friend Jacob to an abandoned chemical factory where his father was killed years before – wouldn’t we all like to have such thoughtful friends? – in an attempt to shock him out of his dark mood by terrifying the bejeebus out of him on TV. Perhaps not surprisingly this doesn’t go well when Jacob finds a long-forgotten hazmat costume and an axe, mistakes the make-believe scenario for real-life and goes quietly bonkers.

Hazard – US title Hazmat – isn’t utterly terrible but it’s entirely without scares, shocks or surprises. Trapped in the makeshift Scary Antics control room in the factory, the show’s team look on in horror – but not much panic – as Jacob starts his rampage and before long they and the surviving punters whose own stupidity has gotten them into this unlikely predicament are trapped as Jacob prowls the corridors ready to cut them down. Stop yawning at the back…

In its defence, Hazard is competently put together even if the script is leaden and derivative and the acting at best variable. The problem is there’s just nothing new here, just hoary old horror clichés – madman in a mask picks off victims with an axe – executed with little panache and with no real attempt at racheting up any tension or sense of escalating menace. The kids are an irritating and one-dimensional, self-obsessed bunch and our sympathies, such as they are, lie with the Scary Antics crew who are, at least, given a little personality and motivation.

But this is forgettable, disposable stuff. We’re not exactly issuing a – er – Hazard warning but you might want to veer off in another direction and spend your time with something a bit more worthwhile unless you really don’t object to being beaten about the head by hoary old horror clichés for an hour or so.

Special Features: None

INFO: HAZARD / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR & SCREENPLAY: LOU SIMON / STARRING: NORBERT VELEZ, ANIELA MCGUINESS, TODD BRUNO, GEMA CALERO / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW