Review Category: DVD/Blu Ray

Poor Norman Reedus can’t seem to catch a break. Fresh from fighting The Walking Dead in one post-apocalyptic wasteland, he’s stuck with the task of keeping humanity alive in another. In Air, the debut feature from video game writer Christian Cantamessa, the Earth has been all but destroyed by chemical weapons; Reedus’ Bauer and Djimon Hounsou’s Cartwright are the maintenance workers who wake up every six months to perform checks on the underground bunker they, and hundreds of other cryogenically frozen survivors, live in.

And then one day, for some reason or other, Cartwright’s bed sets on fire. Bugger. Unless they find him a new one, he won’t be able to go back into stasis – and there isn’t an Ikea in sight. This quest leads to tensions rising between the two workers and dark secrets about humanity being uncovered.

It’s a good concept for a low-budget character-based sci-fi drama, but the way the story plays out is, frankly, frustrating. The characters and world are set up nicely – Bauer’s the untidy one who won’t stop singing The Clash, Cartwright just wants to get his job done but is hiding the fact he’s having visions of his lost love. There’s clear tension here, and Reedus and Hounsou convey this unstable friendship nicely. And then they spend half the film looking on some shelves for a bed. 

When events do ramp up, there are some well played moments of conflict, with one scene in particular, in which Bauer finds himself in mortal danger and it’s unclear where Cartwright is, planting a lot of intriguing questions in the mind. However, the ending again feels weak, as a major twist is forgotten about and a final showdown limps along unthrillingly; Cartwright supposedly going mad is repeatedly mentioned, but the film doesn’t have the guts to fully pursue this, and the visions of his lover (Holt) end up feeling too much of an awkward cliché.

Nevertheless, Cantamessa and production designer Brian Kane have done a good job of making the bunker into an effectively claustrophobic setting, with the technology being a great cross between futuristic and falling apart, in the same way that made iconic sets such as the Nostromo and the Millennium Falcon so believable. The pair’s rooms are decorated with great little character-adding details – a poster of a cat keeps them motivated. The sequence where Cartwright ventures out of the bunker lets the visuals down, though – the darkness and tight angles with which it’s shot give away the low budget. 

So there’s a lot to like here, especially for a director’s debut film; the intriguing concept, strong performances and impressive visuals almost make up for the fact that a lot of it is about fixing a bed.

Special Features: Featurettes 

AIR / CERT: 12 / DIRECTOR: CHRISTIAN CANTAMESSA / SCREENPLAY: CHRISTIAN CANTAMESSA, CHRIS PASETTO / STARRING: DJIMON HOUNSOU, NORMAN REEDUS, SANDRINE HOLT / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

Anyone who read our review of the not-exactly-seminal Dr Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine (1965) will know that we left on a bit of a cliff-hanger. If you didn’t, then we’re not sure why you’re reading this but, just to get you up to speed, it was such a success in Italy that Mario Bava directed this sequel. Just to muddy the waters here, it is also a sequel to the unconnected Italian hit, The Amazing Doctor G (1965). But other than to tell you that they’re both Goldfinger (1964) spoofs (the titular doctor in that one was actually Goldginger rather than Goldfoot), we’re not going to cause anymore confusion because we’re on a word-count here. However, Doctor G did feature the Italian comic duo of Franco and Ciccio, so you get rather a lot of them in this one too. You have been warned.

The plot? Oh, same as the last one practically. Instead of gold-bikinied robot girls that seduce rich men, these ones blow up NATO generals. Clue is in the title. Only Dr Goldfoot (Price) has returned from the original cast but as he was the only one who was any good in the original, this is no bad thing. What happened to Dr Goldginger? Knew we shouldn’t have mentioned that other movie. Forget about Goldginger.

Is it any good? Dear lord, no. OK, there are some nice moments where Vincent Price breaks the fourth wall (very hip in 1966 – see Alfie) and at least it understands that speeded up film (as per Benny Hill) is always funny but in all other respects, this is dire stuff. What was Mario Bava thinking? Actually, he was thinking quite clearly, as he apparently tried to get out of it but was under contract. Executive producer Samuel Z. Arkoff believed the problem with the movie lay in the fact that Laura Antonelli wouldn’t take her clothes off (no, really) but as she spends half the film in her nightie, we think he may have missed a couple of other glowering problems with it. As with Bikini Machine the absence of anything funny is a bit of handicap to a “comedy” but at least that didn’t have to contend with the aforementioned Franco and Ciccio. Now this duo were very popular in Italy, so perhaps it’s to do with the ‘60s Italian humour, but it has to be said that, to the British 21st century sophisticate, these boys are about as funny as syphilis. And on the subject of Italian humour, there is a bizarre gag that, if we’ve understood it correctly, is about General Francisco Franco. Actually it’s one of the best gags in film but we just couldn’t work out why an office in Italy would have a huge picture of the Spanish dictator necessary for the joke to work. If anyone can explain this one, we’re all ears. And while the original had The Supremes doing the theme song, this one has The Sloopy’s (sic) who a) we’ve never heard of and b) don’t even have a grammatically correct name.

Vincent Price summed it up pretty well when he said, “the most dreadful movie I’ve ever been in.”

DR GOLDFOOT & THE GIRL BOMBS (1966) / DIRECTOR: MARIO BAVA / SCREENPLAY: GIUSEPPE MOCCIA, FRANCO CASTELLANO, LOUIS M. HEYWARD, ROBERT KAUFMAN / STARRING: VINCENT PRICE, FABIAN, FRANCO FRANCI, CICCIO INGRASSIA, FRANCESCO MULÉ, LAURA ANTONELLI / RELEASED: OUT NOW

When Jordyn (Paulie Rojas) celebrates her eighteenth birthday and blows out the candles on her birthday cake, she quickly discovers she should have been more careful with what she wished for. She always thought she was an orphan, raised by her aunt (Nancy Wolfe) who ruins Jordyn’s birthday celebrations by screaming at the top of her lungs and plunging the obscenely long cake knife into her chest. But her aunt’s attempted suicide is only the beginning – soon, Jordyn realises she is being pursued by a malevolent supernatural force, a hideous Witch (Maria Olsen) who seems to follow Jordyn everywhere she goes, even snips off a lock of her hair before she realises it, and is poised to initiate Jordyn into some truly twisted occult secrets. Jordyn has always wondered where she came from, but is she really prepared to discover what that is? Her journey will take her through sleepwalking reality-shifts and hurl Jordyn into a cruel looking-glass world. As her aunt warns, “There is something out there… and it will find you, whether you want to be found or not.”

Mark of the Witch was originally screened at London’s Frightfest 2014 under the title ‘Another’ (a less sensational title but a better one) and was quickly hailed as one of the hits of the festival. It was also, in this reviewer’s opinion, the best film of that year, so it is great to see it finally appearing on DVD.

This is that rare cinematic accomplishment – an intelligently written, beautifully crafted horror movie that is also, quite often, magnificent to look at. From the bleached browns and greys of the opening sequence to the golden bright eye of the raven that is always close by, to the rich reds and darks of the Witch’s boudoir, the photography and art direction of Mark of the Witch is never less than superb. Writer / director Jason Bognacki has accomplished something quite phenomenal with this film and his cast rises to the challenge, especially the stunning Audrey Hepburn-lookalike Paulie Rojas whose switches between innocence and dark cunning are convincingly unsettling, Maria Olsen who plays the Witch with an intensity you rarely see outside of the blackest Brothers Grimm fairy tale, and gravel voiced Nancy Wolfe, whose measured tones and heavy lidded eyes make Aunt Ruth a character we’re never quite sure should be trusted. Lillian Pennypacker, as Jordyn’s best friend Kym, who finds herself violently caught up in all the diabolical shenanigans, also deserves a strong mention.

Don’t miss Mark of the Witch. When Lucifer Rising’s Kenneth Anger pronounced that cinema could also be a magical ritual, he could easily have been talking about this film. It has tremendous power and it stands alongside Dario Argento’s Suspiria and Inferno as a disquieting depiction of black witchcraft that is also quite gorgeous to behold. Evil hasn’t looked this good in a very long time.

MARK OF THE WITCH / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: JASON BOGNACKI / SCREENPLAY: JASON BOGNACKI / STARRING: PAULIE ROJAS, MARIA OLSEN, LILLIAN PENNYPACKER, NANCY WOLFE / RELEASE DATE: 15TH FEBRUARY

 

Japan. 1824 A.D: Hypnotic regression goes a bit far when, hoping to cure her bout of depression, Basia’s psychiatrist accidentally sends her back a bit too far, unlocking memories from reincarnations past, in locales as diverse as Olde England, India and the aforementioned Japan of 1824. Oops.

As past lives begin to merge with the present, Basia is sent spiralling into a fevered living nightmare from which she cannot wake, experiencing horrific visions, dirty strangers from the past appearing in her living room, and waking up with her head and arm stuck in the wall. What’s a ‘Scopia Effect’? Phenomenon that cannot be explained by science, the film helpfully tells us. Yeah, that sums up The Scopia Effect pretty well.

A dreamlike, tricksy, supernatural thriller featuring fully realised digressions into the (long) past (oh hi, 18th Century France), The Scopia Effect is one of the most ambitious low-budget Indies you’ll ever find. That’s an even more impressive statement when one realises that it’s only writer/director Christopher Butler’s first film. There’s a level of ambition, intelligence and sheer technical competence at play here that some budget horror directors never achieve during their whole career. Butler’s background in advertising surely helps, a strong eye for imagery and storytelling that sits at ease with his short cuts and the movie’s own scattershot style.

The whole thing lives or dies on its Basia, and thankfully Joanna Ignaczewska is more than up to the part, anchoring the film with her heartbreaking portrayal of the terrified, confused young woman under attack from time itself – contending not only with the demons from her own past, but those of lives lived millennia ago. She is slightly annoying when she cries, but we’ll let her off, given the horrors experienced here. And there we were thinking that acting like a chicken for a few days, or the plot of CBB’s Big Kids was the worst possible outcome of hypnosis.

Put down the phone and pay attention: The Scopia Effect is a smart, unpredictable and original little thriller. It’ll have you on the edge of your seat literally wondering where it is headed. Africa of 1954, you say?

THE SCOPIA EFFECT / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: CHRISTOPHER BUTLER / SCREENPLAY: CHRISTOPHER BUTLER / STARRING: JOANNA IGNACZEWSKA, AKIRA KOIEYAMA, LOUIS LABOVITCH / RELEASE DATE: 15TH FEBRUARY

At first glance, Joanne Schwartzbaum (Cara Buono) is the stereotypical suburban Mom, living in a daze of grocery shopping, meal preparation and ferrying her kids to and from school. But Joanne’s malaise is caused by so much more than the drudgery of everyday life – she’s become transfixed by the design of the pastries on the bakery counter and is unaccountably fascinated by the prop lighthouse standing outside the fishmongers, and when she wakes up in the middle of the night and finds herself mesmerized by a brilliant white light only to wake up the next morning to find herself lying on her patio with no idea how she got there, Joanne begins to suspect she has been abducted by aliens. What’s more, the mysterious mark that has just appeared on her side only lends credence to Joanne’s suspicions.

After an uninspiring session with the weirdoes at a UFO support group, Joanne meets Abraham (Isaach De Bankole) who has had similar experiences and is also looking for answers. Could it have something to do with the mysterious ancient scroll that is currently being studied at the Brooklyn Museum? But what is the connection between the scroll, the lighthouse outside the fish shop, and the strange Asian guy who recently gave Abraham the finger and then seemingly disappeared into thin air after Abraham gave chase? Have Joanne and Abraham been chosen to save the world? And what does any of this have to do with extra-terrestrials?

With its cheeky b-movie title font and playful opening music, From Other Worlds should be so much more fun than it is. Unfortunately, all the promise of fun stops as soon as the story begins. It’s a shame because Cara Buono is a terrific actress whose considerable charm almost makes the film watchable, but From Other Worlds’ biggest problem is that it really doesn’t know what kind of movie it wants to be – a cute alien abduction comedy, a gentle satire on motherhood and the mindlessness of twenty-first century living, or a heist picture with a UFO and a spoonful of dodgy ancient history thrown in for good measure? Whatever writer / director Barry Strugatz’ original intentions were, the result is a tedious mess that not even Cara Buono and Melissa Leo (badly underused in the role of a crabby librarian) can save. One star for Buono, one star for Leo, and one star for the alien’s gag explaining why he chose to identify as Asian (the only joke that works in the entire fil)

FROM OTHER WORLDS / CERT: 12 / DIRECTOR: BARRY STRUGATZ / SCREENPLAY: BARRY STRUGATZ / STARRING:  CARA BUONO, ISAACH DE BANKOLE, JAY OAKERSON, DAVID LANSBURY, MELISSA LEO / RELEASE DATE: 8TH FEBRUARY 

Imagine a remake of Escape to New York with none of the imagination, humour, iconography and character that made the original so memorable. Then add zombies, while subtracting a lion’s share of the budget. What you’re left with is a film that isn’t so much bad as it is rather dull.

“AJ” Prescott’s first mission as a Navy SEAL is as part of a five-man team dropped into Baton Rouge to rescue the Vice President, caught in the middle of a zombie attack while on secret business concerning biological warfare. Once there the team’s mission parameters are altered, and AJ finds himself separated from the others, while babysitting a couple of reporters and trying to make the evacuation rendezvous before the city is sealed off.

Matthew Carpenter’s script hits most of the beats you would expect from a behind enemy lines military zombie movie, but does so in a robotic fashion that fails to add enough depth to any of the characters or situations meaning that you don’t actually care what happens. That AJ is expecting his first child gives him every reason to want to get home, but we learn so little about his or his partner’s emotional lives that when he appears to have been irreversibly infected the shock value is negligible. This same lack of attention to detail is apparent throughout the rest of the genre clichés Carpenter incorporates, the ultimate result being a screenplay that knows where it’s going but doesn’t bother giving the audience particular reason to want to tag along. 

The direction somewhat makes up for the shortfalls in the script. Most of director Stanton Barrett’s practical effects budget seems to have been blown on a single scene involving a car (that we get to see lovingly filmed from every conceivable angle using every camera he could muster), while his CG effects are rather hit and miss. But he does the best his meagre resources will allow, and fans of the genre get to see plenty of empty streets and a reasonable number of marauding undead, even if some of the attack sequences are rather tame and stagey. Much of the final third of the film is set inside a medical facility in a reminder of the debt it owes to Resident Evil, and sadly this is where the lack of characterisation allows the tension to disperse.

The acting is passably good, if lacking in charisma, and the music and photography manage to lift the film beyond its natural altitude, making Navy SEALs Vs Zombies a passably exciting 90 minutes that nevertheless does little beyond its initial premise to establish itself in an already crowded field. If your expectations are low, then they will be rewarded.

NAVY SEALS VS ZOMBIES / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: STANTON BARRETT / SCREENPLAY: MATTHEW CARPENTER / STARRING: ED QUINN, DAMON LIPARI, STEPHANIE HONORÉ, MASSIMO DOBROVIC, MOLLY HAGAN, MICHAEL DUDIKOFF / RELEASE DATE: 15TH FEBRUARY

After lusting for and going full throttle at Kim Basinger in 9½ Weeks, Mickey Rourke lusts after Carré Otis in Wild Orchid, which seems strangely prophetic considering what happened after the film’s release, and of course it all ended rather badly. The plot (such as there is one) is that a young woman lawyer is brought to Rio to help her boss make a deal on a mysterious abandoned hotel, and soon becomes mesmerized by a self-made millionaire during an encounter, setting off a series of erotic encounters.

The film is made out as an erotic thriller, but it ends up being neither erotic nor thrilling, despite the unrated lustfulness that happens at the end. Like all erotic thrillers, this falls into those traditional archetypal tropes of erotica, in that the billionaire aristocrat takes on the young and poor girl and initiates her into these strange perversions, as well as tapping into that old theme of the sexual awakening within a young virginal girl. Despite the hard 18 certificate, it ends up falling into the same pitfalls as Adrian Lyne’s 9½ Weeks and even Sam Taylor-Johnson’s Fifty Shades of Grey in as much as it feels incredibly flashy and stylish, lacking in any real substance, very anodyne, and despite near-subliminal glimpses, it has a very mainstream, sexist, middle-of-the-road anxiety about displays of full-frontal male nudity, so it all feels very vanilla as a result.

In fact, it appears that what director Zalman King is really drooling over other than the sex is the cars, the apartments, and mostly the landscapes and architectures of Rio de Janeiro, so it feels more like abroad consumerist porn than anything else. The dialogue is ear-scrapingly poor and so laughable that it’s almost parodically bad, dialogue of which EL James would’ve been proud of using if she was to do another Fifty Shades book. Because of how corny the dialogue is, you don’t truly believe or buy into any of the characters, and you wonder if at any second it could turn into a Carry On sketch.

Granted, Carré Otis is incredibly striking and gorgeous to look at, but her presence as an actress is wooden to say the least, and wearing a suit and glasses doesn’t make us buy you as an industrial lawyer. She either stands there and looks pretty or delivers small lines in a seemingly forced manner. Mickey Rourke is essentially playing the exact same character he portrayed in 9½ Weeks, walking around trying to be cool and mumbling like Marlon Brando. Both Jacqueline Bisset and Bruce Greenwood offer solid support, but their roles in the film are only there to support the growing sexual tension between Otis and Rourke.

Critically panned at the time, Wild Orchid is not as bad as it could’ve been; mainly because of how laughably bad it is, although whether that is good for someone’s health or not remains to be seen. Nevertheless, it suffers from that classic problem of being all style and no substance. Terribly bland and awfully ordinary.

WILD ORCHID / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: ZALMAN KING / SCREENPLAY: ZALMAN KING, PATRICIA LOUISIANNA KNOP / STARRING: MICEY ROURKE, CARRÉ OTIS, JACQUELINE BISSET, BRUCE GREENWOOD / RELEASE DATE: 8TH FEBRUARY 

Movies based on old TV shows may not seem so original nowadays, but back in the ’80s, the idea was more of a novelty. Inspired by the success of his SNL spin-off The Blues Brothers and his appearance in Twilight Zone: The Movie, comedian Dan Aykroyd turned his attention to ’50s cop show Dragnet, which he revived in ’80s buddy cop style, now re-released on DVD by Fabulous Films.

And when we say ’80s style, we mean very ’80s – ‘Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks rapping the theme song over the closing credits’-level ’80s. Aykroyd plays the nephew of the series’ hero Joe Friday, who also happens to be called Joe Friday. Like his uncle, Friday is meticulous and formal, except Aykroyd plays this up for laughs; he’s able to rapid-fire any section of the California Penal Code in an instant, and tells his muggers off for assaulting him “on a school night”. He’s paired with Hanks’ laid-back Pep Streebeck (again, how ’80s is that name?), the perfect foil for the rule-obsessed detective.

Friday and Streebeck investigate a series of robberies committed by a secretive society named P.A.G.A.N., leading them to the mansion of a porn mogul, a zoo with missing animals, and a ludicrous satanic ritual. As plots go, it’s hardly coherent – if you come out of Dragnet fully understanding what all the pagan stuff was about, or why the villain seemed to change his motivations every five minutes, or why the film needed its final elongated chase sequence, you’ve done a better job than we have.

But that hardly matters. The appeal is not the plot but the comic tomfoolery of Aykroyd and Hanks, perfectly cast against each other, and the mocking of ’50s cop show conventions, which, though sometimes playing it safe, provides many genuinely funny moments, not least the take on Dragnet’s opening narration.

Christopher Plummer hams it up entertainingly as the film’s villain, and those who remember the series will recognise Harry Morgan reprising his role as Bill Gannon, now the department Captain. Alexandra Paul’s role as Friday’s love interest, however, is disappointing, as she exists purely to be a damsel in distress and to provide a couple of cheap virgin gags.

Dragnet isn’t the funniest police send-up of its era (that would be The Naked Gun), nor is it the best showcase of Dan Aykroyd’s talents (Ghostbusters or Blues Brothers, take your pick), but it is an enjoyable send-up of its source material, held aloft by the comic charisma of its two leads and its almost consistently witty script. A case worth re-opening in 2016.

Special Features: Sadly, there are no new extras here, just the rather basic materials from a previous release – production notes, cast and filmmaker bios, theatrical trailer.

DRAGNET / CERT: PG / DIRECTOR: TOM MANKIEWICZ / SCREENPLAY: DAN AYKROYD, ALAN ZWEIBEL, TOM MANKIEWICZ / STARRING: DAN AYKROYD, TOM HANKS, CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER / RELEASE DATE: FEBRUARY 15TH

Five Dolls For An August Moon sounds like a satanical sacrifice and when you see that Italian director Mario Bava (Black Sunday, 1960) was behind it, then you expect it to be just that. You could say there was a lot of sacrifice in this feature; unfortunately the slasher element of this Giallo film doesn’t quite live up to Bava’s reputation. A group of friends gather for a vacation on a remote island. What is supposed to be a fun and relaxing holiday soon turns into a whodunit, when one of them decides to go on a killing spree. Tensions rise as they try to understand each other’s motives and the true reasoning for being trapped on this island in the first place.

The opening scene starts as if it were a sixties Spanish soap opera, young woman peers in from the outside, into a stylish living room, a group of wealthy socialites are having an intimate party whilst on an island retreat. It’s magnificently cheesy and obvious, however, you also have to appreciate Bava’s eye in this moment, and there is sly humour that is mocking these characters. He portrays a carefree atmosphere then he swiftly introduces individual characters and all of a sudden the atmosphere is disturbed by envy, boredom and desperation, anyone of these people could be a psycho killer, it is this that Bava has managed to depict, creating a story with no words necessary. Fuelled by alcohol and drugs, a faux murder is staged to fool friends but just a day later a real murder is committed. Now this is where it really starts to become bizarre, common sense is out the window as the story comes off its hinges. The house boy is found washed up with a stab wound, the women are slightly perturbed, the men bemused but actually no-one really cares so they continue their vacation after wrapping the guy up and popping him in the cold store room. So a murder mystery is very slowly unwinding as one by one the group dwindles, the body count rises as each cadaver is placed in the giant fridge with a score that is like chalk on a board. The desperation to discover the murderer is definite but more for the audience than the ignorant characters.

Mario Bava insisted this was one of his worst films and though it most certainly isn’t his best work, Bava still delivers a feeling of unrest and discomfort that he has been known to do so well. It may have perhaps been the script that made Bava despise it so, after admitting from the beginning the script was pretty much an Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians knock-off. He had little to no input in the screenplay and was hired last minute to direct after another had dropped out. You could say this film had little passion behind it and that could well be what is at fault, though there are still moments to appreciate with Bava’s cinematography expertise. The graceful movements of the camera, the light and airiness of the film is alluring and radiant, even more so on Blu-ray. The colours and detail are so vibrant we are transported to the slick colour pop of the sixties.

The fact that Bava made the decision to have the majority of the murders off screen is a very interesting one and could have succeeded had the script and characters been well developed. Bava chose to focus on the drama and politics of the film rather than the slasher horror aspects and whilst (in parts) this brought some interesting scenes, the reactions of the characters were far from believable and ineffective. The final double-twist is filled with dramatic irony; it’s a satisfying finish despite it also being a ridiculous one. This could have been Bava playing around with the script or merely shunning it, either way, it seems he would have produced the same effect. It’s very enlightening to notice the difference in Bava’s work before and after this project, Five Dolls For An August Moon is still an integral piece to his filmography.

Special Features: Audio Commentary by Tim Lucas, English/Italian Soundtracks, Mario Bava: Maestro of the Macabre documentary, Isolated Music and Effects Track, Optional Subtitles, Designer sleeve, Illustrated Booklet, Trailer

FIVE DOLLS FOR AN AUGUST MOON (1970) / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: MARIO BAVA / SCREENPLAY: MARIO DI NARDO / STARRING: WILLIAM BERGER, IRA VON FÜRSTENBERG, EDWIGE FENECH / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

We all have cinematic pleasures that baffle even ourselves as to why we like them. Films that populate this so-bad-they’re-good genre in reality, for whatever reason, are terrible examples of filmmaking. Sinbad Of The Seven Seas could easily have become one such film, but it is so truly, completely and without reasonable question dreadful that even deeming it worthy of comment feels like a wasted exercise in creative reviewing.

Based upon an Edgar Allan Poe story (Edgar Allan Poe!!) Enzo G. Castellari’s film (we are contractually bound to call it such) follows the mighty hero Sinbad (Ferrigno) as he …blah, blah, blah…seeks to recover the mystical jewels that evil wizard Jaffar (Steiner) …blah, blah, blah… you can fill in the rest surely? Accompanying him on his quest is his band of racist clichés including the dashing Prince Ali (Wybenga) who must also rescue his bride-to-be Princess Perfect from Jaffar’s dastardly clutches.

To begin with, the acting is so woefully bad as to be insulting to the art. Ferrigno does little more than utter well-worn sub-Schwarzenegger pay off lines and flex his ample pectorals; something he even manages to do with distinct woodiness. Steiner tries and fails to chew up some of the cheap scenery but the worst culprit by far is the dubbed narrator. Surely reading from a book Peter Falk-style would be simple but no, it is the worst form of plot-describing, stating-of-the-blatantly-obvious your ears could ever hope to suffer without any discernible hint of passion or irony.

What could have provided Sinbad with a desperately needed lifeline would have been its targeting of a younger market. The woeful storytelling that frames the film involves a child certainly but even this glimmer of hope is dashed on a rock of misguided costume design. As Jaffar wreaks his “evil plan” he is joined by what can only be described as a Madame from an S&M dungeon, parading around as she does in a curiously un-sexy leather-look basque. Queen PVC’s inclusion, along with the Amazonian inhabitants of a mysterious island who gyrate like Playboy Mansion rejects, makes it abundantly clear that this is not a film for younger viewers.

There are many, many things wrong with Sinbad on every single level you could imagine, and far too many unworthy of spending time listing. However tempted you might be to watch this film; however curious you might be, or however confident you are that it might just qualify for that so-bad-they’re-good genre…RESIST! This is a tediously dull and misogynist take on an epic legend that should never, ever be viewed by anyone of sane mind. You have been warned!

SINBAD OF THE SEVEN SEAS (1989) / CERT: 12 / DIRECTOR: ENZO G. CASTELLARI / SCREENPLAY: TITO CARPI, ENZO G. CASTELLARI / STARRING: LOU FERRIGNO, JOHN STEINER, ROLAND WYBENGA, DARIA NICOLODI / RELEASE DATE: 8TH FEBRUARY