If you are the sort of vacuous, chin-stroking individual that thought The Blair Witch Project was a masterclass of modern filmmaking, then you need to hunt around for an alternative review of this “movie experience”. If you are right-minded, and can actually see the wood for those trees, then we can only strongly recommend that you find something better to do with your free time than catching up with this “sequel”.
Blair Witch is a cinematic headlong dive into a cesspit, without even the distraction of a forward triple somersault. The Blair Witch Project was probably the most overrated horror flick ever made, a one trick found footage pony that ejaculated its finishing scene in the first five minutes of its runtime. A badly made movie artificially elevated to cult status by a viral internet campaign powered by moronic hipsters. Yet, in a masterstroke, Blair Witch has actually managed to waste five million dollars on an updated embarrassment that might actually be worse…
In an almost virtual rerun of the original, a bunch of similar half-wits set off to uncover the fate of the snotty-nosed girl from the original. The link is provided by character James (the brother of the snot fetish queen), played in pay cheque-grasping mode by James Allen McCune. While he is fairly competent, the rest of the cast are pretty much a disaster, the lack of acting talent rendering any later plot reveals mute as you had already figured everything out from their ham-fisted attempts at subtle foreshadowing. Most of them act like seven-year-olds in a school play just biding their time waiting for their moment. We felt sorry for Callie Hernandez who was the only person that could form facial expressions and reactions that were in sync with the actual events unfolding around them.
We say unfolding, but that is a misleading comment, as the experience is just a disorientating mess designed seemingly as ammo for chin-strokers to use whilst lording it over casual moviegoers, with their protestations that they get the genius of it all. In reality it’s just a mess of cut scenes, flashes. Vague imagery (that won’t be vague once everyone downloads the torrented version and starts with the screen capping!), running scenes, and bushes. It’s the original with a five-million-dollar budget, and a one-thousand-dollar drone. Obviously, the drone was meant to enforce the passage of time. Although to be fair we would suggest you contact director Adam Wingard and find out the model of this bad boy drone as its battery lasts for days, not the standard 75 minutes. As for Wingard, we loved The Guest, and even had a lot of time for V/H/S, so this is a disappointment on an epic level.
There is one interesting idea – just one! The passage of time seems to exist on another plane in the woods. This is quickly jettisoned to make way for a load of running, screaming, and torch beam porn. Ultimately you would be expecting this to lead somewhere, and expand upon the ending of the original movie, whilst expanding the mythology. Don’t hold your breath.
Blair Witch is another Emperor’s new suit of clothes, sadly made from the same material (faeces).
Avoid this film at all costs. If you later find that any of your friends or family actually liked this movie, then we suggest you disassociate yourself from them, and avoid them at all costs too, as they will only disappoint you somewhere down the line.
BLAIR WITCH / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: ADAM WINGARD / SCREENPLAY: SIMON BARRETT / STARRING: JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE, CALLIE HERNANDEZ, COBRIN REID, BRANDON SCOTT, WES ROBINSON / RELEASE DATE: SEPTEMBER 15TH
Expected Rating: 6 out of 10
Actual Rating:
