Cannibals and Carpet Fitters is the latest in a long line of comedy horror movies where the title spells out the content of the film for you in no uncertain terms. As you may have guessed, it’s about a group of carpet fitters clashing with a group of cannibals.
The Hannings family are your classic horror movie cannibal family – one lead parent (in this case, the mother, Mrs. Hanning, portrayed by Jenny Stokes) who organises and leads a clan of seemingly inbred, mute and simple children. The film’s opening prologue shows them picking off celebrity-cameo campers, Jack (Alex Zane) and Gill (Jessica Jane-Clement) which, whilst largely pointless in the overall scheme of things, does establish that this family have presumably been picking people off and eating them for decades. It’s impossible not to question the longevity or general viability of such an operation – especially when, in the case of the carpet fitters, the victims are people who will be missed by friends and family that knew exactly where they were going – but it’s not the sort of film where you’re supposed to think about things too hard.
Written by Richard Lee O’Donnell who also portrays one of the film’s two leads, Dean, the script leaves a lot to be desired. There’s a handful of decent jokes scattered around but not nearly enough for a film with such an otherwise unoriginal (not to mention not particularly well plotted) set-up. The best line is lifted from Shaun of the Dead whilst others might have been sold by better actors, but the cast are a mixed bag at best.
Having said that, as uneven and generally basic as the film is, there’s an undeniable charm to the proceedings – much of which is squarely down to stand-out cast-member Darren Sean Enright. Darren portrays Colin, our other lead character and a big, loveable, dumb stereotypical man-with-van type.
Also along for the ride are Tasha (Zara Phythian), Chris (Christopher Whitlow) and Malcolm (Dominic Holmes) as other employees of the carpeting company caught up in the mayhem.
It has to be said that – and particularly given its apparently low budget – the film has pretty remarkable special effects. If you’re watching purely for the gore then you shouldn’t be disappointed as the kills come relatively fast and frequently and showcase some brilliant practical effects work at times.
Sadly, in spite of a general sense of fun, the film simply doesn’t have a single original idea contained within its runtime. If it did, then perhaps it would be easier to forgive the ending which feels as though the production ran out of money before being able to finish filming the last few pages of the script.
CANNIBALS AND CARPET FITTERS / CERT: TBC / DIRECTOR: JAMES BUSHE / SCREENPLAY: RICHARD LEE O’DONNELL / STARRING: DARREN SEAN ENRIGHT, RICHARD LEE O’DONNELL, ZARA PHYTHIAN, JENNY STOKES / RELEASE DATE: TBC
