DVD REVIEW: KISSING DARKNESS / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: JAMES TOWNSEND / SCREENPLAY: JAMES TOWNSEND, LOIC MAGNERON / STARRING: NICK AIRUS, KYLE BLITCH, SEAN PAUL LOCKHART, RONNIE KROELL, ALEXANDRA FULTON / RELEASE DATE: MARCH 9TH
Having been doing this reviewing malarkey for a fair while now, Kissing Darkness is something that this particular writer never thought he’d be writing. But I’m putting it out there now, this is a truly horrendous film and one that wouldn’t be recommend to a worst enemy (or even to Michael Bay – hey, a Transformers grudge still lingers, okay?). So let’s get to why it’s so bad.
First up, the plot. To condense it to its simplest form, a group of gay friends decide against going to a Pride event in order to spend the weekend shacked up in a cabin in the woods. Once there, they accidentally awaken the spirit of a non-pleased vampire-like spirit who begins to corrupt them one by one. In terms of plots, there’s been plenty worse over the years. The problem is, quite simply, everything else. Every. Single. Thing.
Kissing Darkness is an offensive film on so many levels. Unlike films that offend some yet provoke thought, this is a movie that just offends in the way that makes you want to turn off your TV, smash it up, and promise to a higher power that you will never watch such tripe ever again.
From the moment the film opens, there’s literally not a single scene where the full group are fully clothed. In terms of stereotypes, Kissing Darkness makes a mockery of what was once perceived to be the “queen” gay man. Filled with plenty of “bitch, please” quips and enough penis jokes to leave a Carry On film with its head in its hands, the only way the film could get any more over the top with its overly-presented sexuality is if it slapped you in the face with its dick. Subtle, this one most certainly is not. And dialogue such as “protein smoothie”, “butt pirate”, and “this isn’t the made-for-TV movie where a load of queers get lost in the woods and have to eat each other’s asses to survive” only add to the groans.
Badly shot, poorly acted, horribly written, and riddled with shockingly clichéd characters, Kissing Darkness is hands-down the worst film to have been made in recent memory. And me personally, I hate to write that. The fact that a film got made, that’s enough for me to try and find something positive in it. With this, that rule is stamped on and completely ignored. In fairness, a little research reveals that the movie supposedly only cost $30,000 to make, and it’s always great to see Chillerama’s Sean Paul Lockhart, but that’s literally it in terms of taking any positives from this viewing experience.
Yes, Kissing Darkness has many restrictions on it, but the stuff that doesn’t cost a lot monetarily, as in scripting and storytelling, helps it none. The film’s tagline reads “Love has never been so cruel”. In reality, you could easily just substitute “love” for “a viewing experience”.
Special Features: TBC
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