Upon occasion, there are movies encountered which have so few redeeming qualities as to render them nigh-impossible to discuss with any semblance of impartiality. Director Chip Gubera’s Slasher.com is the very epitome of that particular kind of film. While the premise is standard – a young couple takes a weekend in the country to get to know one another, and bloody backwood shenanigans ensue – everything about the presentation is utterly lacking.
The initial setup of a serial killer in St. Louis, Missouri, meeting young women through a dating app and then murdering them sends a very clear message as to whom Jack Roper (Ben Kaplan) is when he meets up with Kristy Smith (Morgan Carter) to head out for their date. Given the fact that the two have never before met, it seems strange that their first date would be three days at a bed and breakfast in the middle of nowhere, but that’s only the first of many, many issues with plot.
They meet Momma and Jesse Meyers, owners of the B&B, and played by The Return of the Living Dead’s Jewel Shepard and Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III’s R. A. Mihailoff, respectively. They’re fine if utterly devoted to chewing every bit of scenery in front of them, but that’s far preferable to Rebecca Crowley, who plays their daughter, Caitlin, with a complete lack of anything remotely resembling charisma, interest, or ability.
Jack and Kristy get weirded out by their hosts, go skinny-dipping, hop into bed together, have breakfast, and are then drugged and pulled into some basement where they’re tortured by Momma and Jesse – because that’s what was obviously going to happen. There are no twists in Slasher.com that aren’t tipped off long before they happen, and the experience of watching the movie is an exercise in seeing how inexpertly it’s pulled off.
The cinematography looks like Slasher.com was shot with a low-resolution camera and then laden with black-and-white effects to make everything artistic and edgy, but it only comes across as cheap. The effects and blood are perfunctory, and the nudity is presented as if it were the film’s highlight, resulting in a film which might’ve passed muster for a 13-year-old in 1993, but currently results in nothing but sighs of frustration and impatiently checking to see how much time is left in the movie’s runtime.
If nothing else, Morgan Carter is fairly charming as Kristy. Her character is given the most to do, and it’s nice to see how well she acquits herself in what is evidently her first feature role. Here’s to hoping this leads to something more worthy of Carter’s talents in the future.
SLASHER.COM / CERT: 18 / DIRECTOR: CHIP GUBERA / SCREENPLAY: CHELSEA ANDRES / STARRING: JEWEL SHEPARD, R. A. MIHAILOFF, BEN KAPLAN, MORGAN CARTER / RELEASE DATE: MAY 7TH
