Say you’re the scion of the most successful filmmaker in history. You want to follow your old man’s steps but would rather avoid people using the term ‘nepo baby’ to describe you. What do you do? For Destry Allyn Spielberg, the answer is a mid-budget zombie movie with some Amblin-esque elements but none of the sweetness or hope. Unfortunately for the young filmmaker, there’s nothing special about Please Don’t Feed the Children. It’s competently made, but very mild for a subgenre known for pushing boundaries.
Tell us if you’ve heard this one before: in a not-too-distant future, a virus has wiped out most of mankind. Adults have grown resentful of children and started sending them to camps (makes no sense, just go with it). Mary (Zoe Colletti) wants to avoid such a fate and find a pass to an orphan sanctuary in Belize.
Mary’s path intersects with a group of teens also hiding from the authorities. Nothing good comes from the encounter as the kids’ cover is blown and they must go on the lam. A couple of calamities later, the fugitives find shelter with Clara (Michelle Dockery), an inexplicably British lady living in the middle of nowhere in the American south. You just know she has some skeletons in the closet. Or the basement.
If this sounds a bit like The Goonies, it’s because it is, if Mikey, Chunk, and company had witnessed their parents ripped to shreds by rage monsters. For a zombie movie, Please Don’t Feed the Children is surprisingly light on flesh-eating creatures. In an approach similar to Jaws, Destry Spielberg avoids showing the ‘big bad’ until the last quarter. The outcome… differs.
There is nothing intrinsically bad about Please Don’t Feed the Children. It’s just ordinary, except for two bright spots: a death that wouldn’t be out of place in Saving Private Ryan and Michelle Dockery. Freed from the shackles of Downton Abbey, Dockery chews the scenery with gusto. Makes you wonder what else she can do.
As for the young Spielberg, as a first feature Please Don’t Feed the Children is fine, but mechanical. Perhaps a little more feeling would make a difference next time.
PLEASE DON’T FEED THE CHILDREN will be available on digital platforms September 29th and on DVD October 20th.
