GONKS GO BEAT (1964) / CERT: U / DIRECTOR: ROBERT HARTFORD-DAVIS / SCREENPLAY: JIMMY WATSON / STARRING: KENNETH CONNOR, TERRY SCOTT, FRANK THORNTON / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW
Films where the main characters are called Steve and Helen are few and far between these days, but imagine a world where this kind of fantasy is commonplace. That world is the past, and Gonks Go Beat very much belongs there, despite its setting in the far future.
Kenneth Connor – every bit of his 47 years old at the time of filming – is Wilco Roger, the worst mediator the Intergalactic Council has to offer. Unfortunately, he’s the only mediator the Intergalactic Council has to offer and so when the neighbouring countries of Beatland and Ballad Isle look like going to war, he’s dispatched to Earth to prevent a catastrophe. If Roger fails, he’ll be exiled to the planet of the Gonks, and this is where some exposition might come in handy. Gonks were a craze in the mid-1960s, I guess; small furry things with cardboard feet and big noses. The fad was short-lived, and they really only lived on in those puffballs with feet and googly eyes and long ribbons that you got from fetes when you (assuming you are as old as STARBURST) were a kid, along with those weird spiralling paper caps and a photo postcard of a future Yewtree subject of interest. Somehow, this was enough to base a whole movie around, even though they make sparing appearances, albeit in one of the film’s highlights, a Pan’s People-Style dance number by some very groovy chicks.
Anyway, back to Earth, where Roger finds both islands preparing for the Golden Guitar competition, which will decide the best country. This is presided over by Mr A&R – Are You Being Served?’s Frank Thornton – and it’s up to Connor, Thornton, Helen, and Steve to bring the islands together and save the day.
Gonks Go Beat is not a good film. It’s not even a particularly good snapshot of the time’s music scene. It is a loose collection of set pieces around musical numbers performed mostly by bands who would not trouble the charts, let alone history. Only near the movie’s end, when Lulu and The Luvvers and The Nashville Teens turn up, is there anyone you might have heard of, although Cream’s Ginger Baker drums away in a couple of scenes.
Arthur Millard and Terry Scott do liven things up with some of their usual magic, but it’s really only watchable as a spectacle of colour and oddness, and maybe also as one of those so bad it’s good affairs. It’s never boring, though, and its ninety minutes pass at a steady pace.
If you are interested in the comedies of the 1960s, slightly psychedelic music movies, or are some kind of Kenneth Connor obsessive, Gonks Go Beat might be worth picking up. Otherwise, splash out for Head or Help! or a box set of the Carry On films; less Gonks but also less Gonks.
