It obscures the matter a little, but the title does not lie – those mad bastards at Full Moon went and made five Evil Bong movies. What, haven’t seen Evil Bong 1-4? Don’t worry; the plotting here isn’t aimed at mere casual potheads, but rather the absolutely near-braindead blotto, like Cbeebies for imbeciles or Seth MacFarlane humour at its very worst. Their girlfriends held hostage by EeBee the Evil Bong, the film’s heroes must try and raise their ransom by selling pot, smoking pot and talking about pot. Relentlessly.
Evil Bong party game: every time someone smokes weed, talks about smoking weed or smokes some more weed, take a hit. To the face preferably, with the nearest blunt instrument (your bong will do), until either blacking out or seeing enough sense to put Pineapple Express on instead. There’s stoner humour and then there’s the complete and utter laziness of Evil Bong, which doesn’t even attempt to cater to anyone beyond the hardcore weed-sucking crowd. With its faux-Reggae soundtrack, bong-laden landscapes and deeply luminescent plumes of Re-Animator smoke, it takes stoner humour to the next level: using weed as the setup and the punchline to every joke, pausing only to swear and charmlessly hoof a bit of merchandise or spin-off.
Although, in all fairness to our stoner audience, it’s hard to imagine even the most pie-eyed finding anything to enjoy in High-5. There’s no drug on Earth strong enough to make it seem funny, or even, in fact, tolerable. Certainly not when you could be watching Adventure Time or SpongeBob Squarepants instead, and not alienating your non-baked friends in the process.
The smallest of small mercies: EeBee is barely in it, sparing us at least a little bit of stupid, offensive shit in a movie rammed to the hilt with stupid, offensive shit. The Gingerdead Man (not Gary Busey anymore) gets plenty of time to shine, the closest thing to being amusing in a movie in which absolutely nothing is remotely amusing. Certainly not the boring swearing, rubbish puns (Poon-isher, geddit), racist caricatures or shockingly un-erotic nudity. The whole thing strikes as written by a man who has never smoked a joint in his life, looking to cash in on those who willingly watch Sharknado, put things like ‘weed lover’ in their social media profiles and own an actual bong in life.
That all this comes from the mind of Mister Charles Band makes it all the more depressing, the continued devolution of Full Moon into purveyors of the unwatchable, tarnishing its director’s once (alright, semi) respected horror name. Weed, it’s said, may or may not kill off brain cells, but there’s not a single one to be found in the entirety of Evil Bong: High-5. Bummer, dude.
EVIL BONG: HIGH-5 / DIRECTOR: CHARLES BAND / SCREENPLAY: CHARLES BAND, KENT ROUDEBUSH / STARRING: SONNY CARL DAVIS, ROBIN SYDNEY, AMY PAFFRATH, JOHN PATRICK JORDAN / RELEASE DATE: JUNE 22ND