DVD REVIEW: CARE BEARS – TOTALLY SWEET ADVENTURES / CERT: U / DIRECTOR: JEFF GORDON / SCREENPLAY: VARIOUS / STARRING: DAVID LODGE, PATTY MATTSON, MICHAELA DEAN / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW
“Grumpy, what did you put in these cookies?”
And so begins a tale far from sweet, far from adventurous, but definitely deranged. In each of the four episodes on this DVD, a child mysteriously arrives in the acid-laced world of the Care Bears. The Care Bears take their victims on the ‘rainbow ride’ and feed them with hash cookies before sending them home, presumably leaving their parents to put them through rehab.
As well as the usual Care Bears suspects (Grumpy, Share, Lionheart, and Cheer) there’s an Ewok-ish creature called Beastly who likes to cause trouble for the doped-up bears. Beastly steals the keys to the emerald bridge gate because he’s scared of a monster he saw there. But two squirrels have become trapped on the wrong side of a two-foot wide, two inch deep ‘river’, leaving the Care Bears unable to help them because the bridge is closed. Rather than get their toes wet carrying the squirrels back to safety, they hunt down Beastly and his gang who hang out in a cave, and steal the keys back in a mind-blowing action sequence which involves some light throwing, and which the bears describe as ‘hot and painful’.
Major spoiler: The monster turns out to be a tree shadow. “Don’t let it harsh your mellow!” as Share Bear would say.
Grumpy bakes up a batch of what look like roasted magic mushrooms but are in fact his special recipe cookies. Share Bear, also a local dealer, is distraught when her customers prefer Grumpy’s blend. A turf war ensues with the bears getting baked regularly and exclaiming “Blazing!” when the buzz gets really rad.
Despite his bad-ass exterior, there’s more to Grumpy than meets the eye. He doesn’t believe in labels and really wants to share his drugs out equally with his best friends. And children. He’s a kind guy who likes to ride the rainbow and chill – ‘Grumpy’ must be more of an in-joke nickname. Likewise, Share Bear is a selfish, raging anger-machine from the bowels of hell who simply can’t abide other dealers getting a piece of the action. This is a lesson for kids in not trusting anyone, especially if other people describe them as caring or sharing.
These bears are sure to ruin the afternoon of any child, so consider it more of a threat than entertainment. Eat your peas, kids, or the Care Bears will come and get you. You have been warned.