Skip to content

BULLSEYE! (1990)

Written By:

Ian White
bullseye-dvd

Oh dear. On the disc’s sole and lonely-looking extra feature, Sir Roger Moore – charming and self-deprecating as always – hopes we enjoy the film and, if we don’t, please don’t tell anybody.

Which makes us feel bad, because we really like Roger Moore and we hate the idea of upsetting him so Sir Roger, if you’re reading, you’d better stop reading now.

Has he gone? Good.

Bullseye! is the most appalling tosh we have seen in a very long time.

It’s a supposed comedy about two con-men (Roger Moore and Michael Caine) who discover they are the spitting images of two shifty nuclear scientists who have just discovered how to solve the world’s energy crisis. Together with their ex-partner in crime (Sally Kirkland) they set about stealing the formula for themselves but their plan backfires. Suddenly they’re working undercover for British Intelligence, trying to stop the scientists from auctioning their invention off to dangerous foreign powers. There’s a lot of running around, unfunny one-liners, deeply unfunny slapstick, and everybody involved looks suitably embarrassed. And they should be. We’re embarrassed and we only watched it. In fact, as soon as this review’s over I’m going to sit on the naughty step and stay there for a fortnight, and then we’re going to check ourselves into a clinic for post-traumatic stress disorder because if a film could ever be so bad it would give the viewer PTSD, this film is it.

But it’s our own fault. You see, this is a Michael Winner film, so we really should have known what we were getting involved with. And Winner co-wrote the (and I’m using this word in the loosest terms) ‘screenplay’ as well, along with Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran (two of TV comedy’s most inexplicably successful scriptwriters – true, they wrote The New Statesman but they’re also responsible for the risible Birds of a Feather) and Leslie Bricusse, who had enjoyed a pretty impressive career as a songwriter and even wrote the lyrics for a couple of really good James Bond themes, so when he agreed to co-write this he must have been on some hugely strong medication, quite possibly with a gun at his head.

As usual, Winner took his crew to good-looking locations (including a scene set on a beach in Barbados that probably doesn’t even last five minutes) but somehow everything he pointed his camera at still looks dull and badly photographed (which is quite an impressive trick, when you think about it.) There are loads of shameless cameos too, including Jenny Seagrove (Winner’s then-girlfriend… what information did he have on her that she agreed to that relationship?) playing two blink-and-you’ll-miss-them characters, John Cleese (obviously enjoying a free trip to Barbados) and Doctor Who’s own Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, Nicholas Courtney, who’s in there somewhere but we’re embarrassed to say we missed him and no, we’re not going back for a second look.

As for the DVD, this is also one of the worst presentations I’ve ever seen. The picture is flat, lifeless and fuzzy with the colour washed out. In fact, we’ve got thirty-year-old VHS tapes that look better than this. But the sound is good, which means you’ll hear all the hackneyed gags you won’t be laughing at with crystal clear clarity.

There is no other word to sum this fiasco up other than – Avoid. And the two marks are for Sir Roger’s special feature (which isn’t a double-entendre but if it was it would still be funnier than the film. Honest).

BULLSEYE! / CERT: 12 / DIRECTOR: MICHAEL WINNER / SCREENPLAY: LESLIE BRICUSSE, LAURENCE MARKS, MAURICE GRAN / STARRING: ROGER MOORE, MICHAEL CAINE, SALLY KIRKLAND, DEBORAH MOORE / RELEASE DATE: OUT NOW

 

Ian White

You May Also Like...

First-Look Images and Sizzle Reel for Disturbing Shocker CARA

You can now get your first look at the upcoming disturbing kitchen sink horror film CARA, directed by Hayden Hewitt (Lips) and starring Ellie O’Hara, Johnny Vivash, Laurence R. Harvey,
Read More
chinese remake of anaconda drops trailer

ANACONDA Trailer Grants First Look At Remake Of 1997 Horror Flick

Three sequels and a spinoff-crossover film wasn’t enough for the 1997 creature feature Anaconda, which not only has a new movie in development, but is getting a Chinese remake! From
Read More
black widow star scarlett johansson in talks to lead new universal jurassic world film

Scarlett Johansson In Talks To Join JURASSIC WORLD Film

Another MCU star appears to be taking up the reins for Universal’s new Jurassic World movie: two-time Oscar nominee Scarlett Johansson is reportedly in talks to lead the franchise that
Read More

Exclusive Reveal! Titan Comics to Deliver Prehistoric Hysterics in First 2 DUMB DINOS Collection

Titan Comics have exclusively revealed to STARBURST that they’re gearing up to publish the first-ever collection of the hilarious cult digital comic strip 2 Dumb Dinos, and we’re not the
Read More

New Dates For Lovecraftian Key of Dreams

Key of Dreams has announced new spaces for its titular immersive luxury horror event. The critically acclaimed company is known for its overnight experiences that dunk you into a strange
Read More

FAB Café to Host Free Film Screening of New Indie Comedy SECRETS OF A WALLABY BOY

We’re well known for our championing of truly independent filmmakers here at STARBURST, so it’s doubly exciting to be writing about one of our own! After joining the crew in
Read More