In a surprise announcement, James Cameron has said that he is currently working on a “reimagining” of his classic Aliens (1986). Cameron told shocked journalists that he’d always wanted to return to his sci-fi/horror masterpiece but had never had the right angle until now. Cameron had this to say:

“Aliens was a parallel with US involvement in the Vietnam War. It showed how superior firepower was worth little against a determined and resourceful opponent fighting in an environment they knew well. But Vietnam has been overdone in the movies; I always wanted to repeat the trick but with different inspiration”.

Apparently Cameron had let the idea lie dormant all these years until recent news from the UK caught his attention. Slated for a 2015 release, Badgers will tell the story of a team of marksmen sent into a badger cull zone (CZ) in the Tewkesbury area.

“They go into the CZ with all the confidence and bravado you’d expect but their opponents are elusive and once they start moving the goalposts and playing on their own terms, things start going to hell in a handcart”.

Not being familiar with “soccer”. Cameron had to research the analogy to goalposts but his imagination has been fired, nevertheless. He promises a “rollercoaster” ride of visceral thrills and sheer terror as the badgers quickly gain the upper hand.

Veterans of Aliens will be returning with Lance Hendrickson as Owen Paterson and Paul Reiser as the treacherous Brian May. Obviously Bill Paxton will reprise his role as an excitable but doomed marksman but what about Sigourney Weaver?

“Well obviously we’re keen to have Sigourney on board and she’s expressed an interest if she feels the part is right for her. We thought she could play a veteran with bitter experience of the Randomised Badger Culling Trials (RBCT) of 1998 to 2005. They were interrupted by the foot-and-mouth outbreak of 2001 and Weaver’s team never recovered. She’s come to put things right but fails to convince the rest of the team to use gas as ‘the only way to be sure’. At the climax she goes alone into the sett to confront the ‘king’ badger. It’s going to be awesome.”

A spokesman for Twentieth Century Fox said, “We haven’t said he can have the money yet. He hasn’t even decided if the badgers will be CGI, animatronic or a bloke in a furry suit. We also have serious doubts about the need to get H. R. Giger on board; he’s not cheap and his badger-related work is not amongst his best.”

“We do wish James would stop talking to people”, they added wearily.

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