It’s Only a Movie – a Column By Jordan Royce
Written by Jordan Royce
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
It's Only A Movie - by Jordan Royce
Another month and yet another movie falls before the 'Transatlantic hatchet job'. The plague that is currently sabotaging the chances of many perfectly fine offerings during the crucial 14 days leading up to a UK release. The latest victim - ‘The Green Lantern’.
Just to come clean from the outset. I am a long time comicbook fan, especially of D.C. Comics. Green Lantern as a character has been around since the 40’s, and this particular incarnation, in the form of test pilot Hal Jordan, has been around since 1959. The interpretations of this character have varied both in approach, and status. Over the years he has been a jokey character taking out the bad guys with ‘boxing glove’ ring constructs. Whilst later emerging into one of the main players in the current D.C. Universe (which is itself about to be ‘Etch A Sketched’, but please let’s not get me started on that one). This is a character that has the unique distinction of also having served as a major villain. Having once murdered countless characters (including other Green Lanterns), whilst possessed by the entity ‘Parallax’. Similar to Batman he had a large and well established mythos, being one of 3600 members of the Green Lantern Corp, assigned to protect the universe on behalf of ‘The Guardians’. The current storylines emanating from a bank account syphoning, cross comic, epic known as ‘Blackest Night’, have been the main D.C. story for the past 2 years. So a ‘Green Lantern’ movie, couldn’t fail right? It went in with the zeitgeist firmly on board. Well, sorry Warner Brothers, welcome to the 2010’s and the ‘Transatlantic Hatchet Job’.
The hatchet job mentality has, to be fair, been around for a VERY long time. Nothing new there. Journos always find it easier to tear down. It is simply easier to write. That closing ‘barbed’ comment tends to jump out at you, as the movie trundles along. “Let’s hope the sequel doesn’t get the green light”, etc. You catch my drift? Lately it has gotten quite ridiculous. Lots of UK Magazines who ought to know better, simply follow the herd these days. Chief amongst these has got to be ‘Scrotal Film’. Honestly, I pity anyone reading this crap at the moment. You must have noticed the same wording, phrases, and non-existent put-downs that reappear in UK reviews. Almost identical to their US counterparts. If I were a cynical guy I could almost imagine that they were reading the US comments in order to write a review that would point in the direction of the prevailing wind. Surely not? They, after all, must have their own opinions. Then I also notice the little details missing from some of the UK reviews of these movies. Details that someone familiar with the subject matter of the movie would be able to comment upon. Whenever a particular genre rears its head (such as the case with GL), we always get someone at least vaguely familiar with the movie to do the review. Otherwise many nuances are missed, resulting in an uneven review. Filmmakers always have to walk the tight rope between a mainstream audience and the fans of the subject matter. So why not have both aspects reflected in a review. Sadly ‘Scrotal Films’ and a few other publications do not tend to follow this principle, and this is now accepted as the ‘norm’.
Of course ‘Green Lantern’ is by no means the first to fall on this sword so far this year. ‘Sucker Punch’ suffered a similar fate, upon its UK release. A perfectly good fantasy story, with staggering special effects, and equally stunning fight choreography. Pure escapism, which I found very enjoyable. It even had quite a downbeat, non-Hollywood ending. Yet myself and my co-host were pretty much alone when we gave it 8 out of 10 on the Starburst Radio Show. Pretty much every review was exactly the same as one another, and the same as the US viewpoint. Strangely, everyone else that I saw the film with, all thought it was very enjoyable. Unsurprisingly, myself, Kris Heys, and a radio review were not enough to turn the tide and prior to the DVD / Blu Ray release, it has barely covered its $80million budget. Yet the awful, tedious, and dull ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides' stormed across the planet. It was unhampered by any hatchet job, and rode across Europe on a magic carpet of non-committal reviews. Perhaps those HUGE double page ads are having their influence? Surely not? I mean we are dealing with people of integrity here that have their own voice, and don’t have to borrow one from their US based brethren. I think we need to have a look at one particular moron, in order to see the Hatchet in action.
The word moron naturally brings us back to ‘Scrotal Film’, and their ace reviewer Neil Stiff. Hi Neil, hope you’re well. Pleasantries over. When ‘Scrotal Film’ need a job doing they might as well send this chump. His review of ‘Green Lantern’ was one of the first out, hurrah, well done lads. You can read his drivel HERE. He begins by stating that the intro sequence was, “a bewildering prologue that tries to convey a complex mythology in a few narrated minutes”. Really? I think he may be as thick as a donkey. I was sat near ten year olds who followed this complex (though seemingly Wagnerian to Neil) intro. He then proceeds to explain this narrative, condensed into two sentences, so perhaps not that complex eh, Neil? I also love the ‘Scrotal Film’ movie language. Check this out. Neil attempts to describe the early plane crash. “Jetting into the stratosphere with wing-woman Carol (Blake Lively) he proceeds to destroy one of these costly toys (the film’s most exciting set-piece) and get himself shit-canned.” “Shit-Canned”? Neil actually likes ‘Thor’, but he was allowed to. It was released first in the UK and we all had to write original reviews, not copy the States. Likening Hal Jordan to Thor, he seems to have missed the fact that the pivotal moment in the entire film is when he decides to sacrifice his life to save Earth. Neil says, “Jordan, alas, is a bit of a tool who – bar an unlikely third-act conversion to noble warrior – stays a bit of a tool. He is, in short, a hard guy to root for..”. In conclusion Neil Stiff leaves us with his parting thoughts, “The result is a film that’s all set-up and no pay-off: an origin story for a hero we don’t much care for with an elaborate lore we have zero interest in”. Yeah, the past 54 years in print, and the fact that it is currently right at the top of bestselling lists of comicbooks in most countries should not get in the way of a dismissive parting snark. A snark that isn’t remotely beneath him. Right Neil, go and sit in the corner while we speak about your bosses.
Mark Strong did his best, but it wasn't good enough for Neil Stiff...
‘Scrotal Film’ sent a guy to review one of the biggest releases of the year, who was totally unfamiliar with the characters, or source material. Neil Stiff doesn’t know any better, but THEY should. They owe the readers that pay to buy their publication, and the filmmakers that work for three years on their craft, the decency of a balanced review, and not a lazy hatchet job, by a poor writer. If you want any further examples of ‘Scrotal Film’ and their approach to their readers, you only have to look at the recent “All American Issue” number 182. I was wandering through WH Smith when I clocked this cover and I couldn’t stop staring at it. Something was not quite right. Then I picked it up and could not believe what I was looking at. They had done a cut and paste mash up of 'Captain America' star Chris Evans. Firstly they have the body from the main poster, where Evans is holding his head down. Then they drop on a badly photoshopped shield, with horrifying use of the clone tool (Photoshop users know the score, anyone else, it just looks bad!). Finally they place the head of a forward looking Evans on top of the body. Other than the shockingly blurry join, the problem is that the head is teeny tiny. It is the wrong size. Also the pixilation (Photoshoppers are high fiving at this!), is very low resolution, compared to the high resolution body. It is the funniest thing I have ever seen on the cover of a magazine published by a media giant. Namely, Future publications. Having some Photoshop skills myself, I have decided to correct these mistakes, and I have provided you with the new improved version. With Chris Evans facing firmly forward at a correct ratio and resolution. I guess I will just wait for Future Publishing to give me a ring. I’ll sort all those guys out for them.
Making a Hero, Scrotal Films Stylee: STAGE 1
Making a Hero, Scrotal Films Stylee: STAGE 2
Making a Hero, Scrotal Films Stylee: STAGE 3 - The Finished Product
Making a Hero, STARBURST Stylee
What did I think of ‘Green Lantern’? Well I stand by the thumbs up I gave it on the radio. It is a lot of fun, and a very good sci-fi adventure movie. As for all the fanboy stuff - they managed to get most of it in, without it being inaccessible to the people I went to see it with. None of whom had picked up a copy of the comic at any stage. It had a nice pace, which allowed the story to progress, and not get bogged down. I also like the fact that it was a proper sci-fi movie, and just got on with being fantastical and far-fetched (not as big a crime as many would have you believe). Ryan Reynolds wisely downplayed his personality, Blake Lively never had one to begin with, and Mark Strong blew everyone away with his stunning performance as ‘Sinestro’. I just wish that the final half hour had been paced better and more epic. The pace could have slowed down, allowing for more exposition and a sense of the enormous threat of the crisis. As it stands, the final act does seem quite a let-down. I am well up for the sequel, but as it stands the poor box office, and the poor critical response, make this seem unlikely. It’s a shame for all of the reasons I have gone into this month. As we are going to end up with endless sequels to the wrong movies.
A movie that managed to escape a pre-emptive strike was ‘Transformers: Dark Of The Moon’. In fairness, there was a certain amount of negative vibes from the States, but it did not seem to gain enough momentum to derail a juggernaut performance. Personally, I found this Transformers movie to be the best of the three. Which is a relief, as I actually got a migraine watching ‘Revenge Of The Fallen’. Unlike the ‘Pirates’ sequel, this movie is bright, and brainless, and fun. Not a boring, turgid reworking of its past glories. To be fair, it is very much a game of two halves, with the initial first part delivering very little in the way of plot or character development. We also had to deal with the big screen debut of Rosie huntington-Whiteley. Which is a topic we can deal with later. Suddenly, with the the first half out of the way, the screen explodes and we have an enormous game of capture the flag between Autobots and Decepticons, with Chicago as the playground.
Glorious movie carnage - a great cinema battle...
In 3D I found this to be absolutely the best fun I have had with special effects in the cinema in many years. With the massive overuse of CGI since the mid-nineties, it is increasingly hard to experience a ‘wow’ factor. With sci-fi we have always relied upon geniuses like Rick Baker or the late Stan Winston to bring much of our chosen pastime to life. Lately the over reliance on CGI has often meant that Sci-Fi can often be a label that foreshadows two hours of cartoony, videogame action. To me the main purpose of any special effects in a sci-fi movie is the suspension of disbelief - to show the impossible. Special effects are rarely THAT special in modern sci-fi, and yet are so much more advanced. I am delighted to say that with ‘Transformers: Dark Of The Moon’ ILM knock the ball clean out of the park. What a stunning battle sequence. Filmed in a much slower, deliberating style that actually allows you to see who and what are fighting, and what is going on - thus avoiding the fatal mistake of ‘Revenge Of The Fallen’ and rubbish like ‘Battle: Los Angeles’. Both great examples of how to disconnect your audience from what is happening on screen. With ‘Dark Of The Moon’ I felt involved, and not like I was witnessing a mate clearing levels on ‘Call of Duty’. There will always be a place for movies like this, and there will always be the Pseuds there to mock us for loving every minute of it. But this is what the cinema was created to deliver - escapism and fun. This is a good one to end on. I did promise to get back to Ms Huntington-Whiteley whom Kris Heys assures me is being cranked by Jason Statham. Good for him. He must have many, many nights of deep and penetrating debates with her, as she brings her many varied and enlightened view points into his life. However, if things don’t work out for my mate Jase, there is a sex shop on Tib Street in Manchester. I will pop round and treat him to some inflatable companions, who will provide him with exactly the same level of stimulus.
Rose Huntington-Whiteley and an Inflatable Sex Doll
[you should have labelled them to avoid confusion - News Ed]
Jordan Royce can be contacted at jordan.royce@starburstmagazine.com
and Co-Hosts the Starburst Radio Show with News Editor Kris Heys,
every Saturday 11am until 2am GMT
on Manchester Radio Online – www.manchesterradioonline.com
also available from iTunes as a Podcast
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