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It’s Only a Movie – a Column By Jordan Royce

Written by Jordan Royce Thursday, 13 October 2011

It's Only A Movie - by Jordan Royce

I need to begin with an apology. I am going to cover a couple of Movies later on but the Comicbook historian within has hijacked the column. Normal services will be resumed next month.

We probably all remember the day the news broke. D.C Comics had been trailing behind Marvel Comics for some time, and rumours were rife that the current Mini Series ‘Flashpoint’ would shake up the DC Universe. We had heard this many time before and with a ‘Crisis’ Mini Series almost every year , it seemed that a few tweaks and a few ‘deaths’ would be the most likely outcome. DC Boss, Dan Didiot, and Publisher Geoff Longjohns certainly had something to unleash. Then the news officially broke that at the end of ‘Flashpoint’, DC Comics would be finishing every Comic Title and re-launching with 52 First Issues. Many titles would be cancelled, many restarted, and there would be a few newbies that would altogether make up the new range. This new Universe would be in the hands of Geoff Longjohns (long seen as DC’s writing guru, after a string of successful character relaunches), and Jim Lee (who would provide the new ‘look’ of the rebooted characters). Accompanying this substantial shocker, was also the news that DC were moving to digital print. Effectively selling directly to your electronic medium of choice, and offering a way of bypassing the Comicbook Store entirely. Within hours the Internet exploded, and conjecture was rife. What would the new DC Universe be? Was it a complete reboot of 70 years of continuity? We did not have long to wait, and four weeks ago I started to work my way through the brand new DC.

Dan Didiot and Geoff Longjohns welcome you to the DC Reboot

I have the advantage of having experienced the reboot of the mid-eighties, and the superb ‘Crisis On Infinite Earths’. This epic 12 issue series not only changed DC Comics, but also set the bar for these multi issue epics, and their prolific crossovers. Which would become essential fuel for both DC and Marvel ever since. Flagging Title? Boring Super Team? Falling Sales? Time for a Crisis! Now younger comic fans talk a lot of crap when it comes to the original ‘Crisis’. You will often hear “Well it isn’t THAT great. It wouldn’t be good enough if it were written now”. Probably, but it was written during the mid-eighties, and the basic social complexities, and lack of knowledge (yes the Internet has made us all cleverer – trust me!) of that era need to be considered when evaluating it. I can tell you first hand that it was received as a work of genius, and was the biggest change in International Comicbook History. When The Flash died, no one had ever seen anything like it. It was a real game changer in every sense. Supergirl also fell, and many others, in a story that defined the term Epic.

'Crisis On Infinite Earths' - The Comicbook series that defined the term Epic

The ending of the Multiverse and the creation of the New DC Universe could not have been handled with greater skill. For me personally I was very happy to see the Golden Age Superman get a send-off, and end up in a Cosmic Heaven with the original Lois Lane. An ending that DC Head Honcho, Dan Didiot, cruelly threw away in the weak sauce that was ‘Infinite Crisis’. Why could he not let the original Comicbook Hero remain happily watching over the New Universe from his resting place? It is a shame that the Superman lifting that automobile on the front cover of ‘Action Comics’ number 1 is now simply dead…

Following on from ‘Crisis On Infinite Earths’ the new DC Universe was recreated with new origins moving forward. With Superman you had a new beginning penned by John Byrne, and the storyline would continue forward in the regular comic from that point on. Byrne issued the directive at the very outset. If it has not happened in the new series, it had not happened. You were ordered to sit back and enjoy the new version of Superman, from the very beginning. The same approach was delivered across the board. Was it perfect? No, but everything generally hung together. It all made sense, and for everything you missed from the old Universe, there was a new gem for you to discover. How many thirty and forty somethings have fond memories of The Giffen and Dematteis Justice League? The New DC Universe delivered, and most importantly brought in a new batch of readers, whilst appeasing long term fans. Years of planning had gone into this commercial maneuverer and it worked like a charm. Interestingly it never once came across as a cynical marketing exercise. It just felt like DC understood what we wanted, and set out to deliver it.

If you want an example of how not to reboot a comicbook range, then you need look no further than the ‘Heroes Reborn’ disaster of 1996. Sales were down and Marvel Comics performed a massive misstep that must have looked great on paper, and gone down well in the boardroom. They rebooted most of their classic superhero titles and performed simultaneous redesigns. For a period of 12 months, characters such as The Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, and many others – existed in a pocket universe, with brand new origins. Artists Jim Lee and Rob Liefield were put in charge of this project, which was effectively farmed out to them and their Wildstorm imprint. There was a massive outcry from most of the fanbase over the costume redesigns, which just looked plain wrong. In a move to be modern, much of the classy (and sometimes cheesy) looks had been ditched with the result that the characters were unrecognisable to long term fans. Captain America and Thor were particularly unpopular. The new origin stories were similarly not well received. Once the initial sales of the new number 1’s had faded, the sales went into a steady decline, and the entire line was abandoned after only 12 Issues. Performing the shit-bag shuffle, Marvel pretended that this had only ever been intended to be temporary, and we were then told to get excited over ‘Heroes Return’, in which (I’m sure you have guessed) – the heroes returned to their old Universe and continuity was restored. Voila, another batch of Issue Number 1’s, which did not sell out this time around. Worryingly Jim Lee is also nuts deep in the costume redesigns of this new DC Reboot…

The aesthetic nightmare of 'Heroes reborn' - the misstep that nearly ruined Marvel Comics

The lead up to the DC Reboot (now officially branded ‘The New 52’) did nothing to calm the fears of those in the Industry and fans. Many were very vocal about it (your humble columnist included). Leading to an embarrassing set of commercials in which Dan Didiot did his best to convince us that, well, it would not be shit. Ok Dan. Well, now here we are at the start of ‘The New 52’, and a new beginning. It is a month on, and I can call this situation for what it is. ‘The New 52’ is the worst event I have witnessed in my life. It is a disaster for the DC Comics entire range of titles and the rich mythos of characters that fans have embraced through thick and thin. You are left with a malformed and dysfunctional mess that has had the completely opposite effect of the stated intention to tidy up the continuity and provide a jump on point for new readers.

A bunch of teenagers going to a fancy dress party?

The main problem begins with the ‘Flashpoint’ Mini Series itself. Whereas ‘Crisis On Infinite Earths’ was one of the greatest comicbooks ever written, ‘Flashpoint’ is a piss poor DC ‘Elseworlds’ story. Not remotely up to the standard of ‘Elseworld’ classics such as ‘Red Son’ or ‘The Dark Knight Returns’. The Flash wakes up on a world that has changed, then it is put right, but it results in 3 Comicbook lines being merged. Namely DC, Vertigo and Wildstorm. Referring back to my earlier comments, this totally comes across as a business move and instead of good storytelling. The entire saga is rushed, and appears to be thrown together. When you also consider that ‘Flashpoint’ had over 30 crossover issues. It reeks of commercialism, and not creativity. What a sad way for the DC Universe to limp off into the twilight. As for the characters in their own final issues of their respective magazines, it is equally rushed and there is an atmosphere of desperation about all of the conclusions. Superman illustrates this perfectly. When ‘Superman’ and ‘Action Comics’ wrapped up to make way for the Post Crisis reboot, we were presented with ‘Whatever Happened To The Man Of Tomorrow’. The then current creative team (including the legendary Supes Artist, Curt Swan) decided to go out with a bang. As a result you were given one of the greatest comicbook stories ever written. It is still hard to do this story justice, and even harder to read without tears in your eyes.
Superman 714 ended a previously interesting run by B5 writer J. Michael Straczynski with a sub-par story, and a flyby ending in a cheesy wink. It just screams of a rush job. I can only imagine how poor Straczynski felt having this situation forced on him. So far I have only commented on the build-up. What about the New 52 itself? In order to explain the myriad of problems, I will just attempt to give you a quick overview of some of the main characters and their respective comic’s titles.

BATMAN
Just prior to the reboot Dick Grayson had replaced Bruce Wayne as Batman, and in a stroke of genius, Robin was now borderline psycho Damian Wayne. This had created a new team where Batman was reined in by a more serious (and grumpy) Robin. Bruce Wayne had formed 'Batman Incorporated'. Where Batman as a worldwide entity was openly funded by Bruce Wayne, and he intended to spread the concept across the Globe. Now (Post reboot) all of the Batman titles seem to occupy different time periods, and any attempt to understand the current backstory is impossible. I have no idea what is supposed to have previously occurred, or which Villains even exist in this new scenario.

‘Detective Comics’ seems to be set at the point of the first encounters with The Joker. Whereas in ‘Batman and Robin’ Bruce Wayne is Batman and his 13 year old son Damian is still Robin. Which is a great feat for a character who is now drawn to look 22 years of age. In the new title ‘Batman-The Dark Knight’, characters are discussing ‘Batman Incorporated’ which places it right now, and suggests that the events in that title have actually still occurred. Dick Grayson appears in ‘Nightwing’ Issue 1, and has just given up the mantle of Batman. Suggesting that this (again) is set in the here and now, with at least some events still intact from recent issues. Batman also appears in ‘Justice League’ but is a teenager who has not met any of the other heroes. Confused? I have not even warmed up yet - The Man Of Steel is next up to bat (no pun intended)…

SUPERMAN
Superman is an absolute nightmare. We have another 3 timelines to follow. In ‘Action Comics’ we seem to be experiencing his first appearances in public, set about 8 years ago. You have probably seen the costume consisting of jeans, a red table cloth cape, and a pair of work boots. If you were offended by this, perhaps you should have left it on the shelf and spared yourself the horrors within.

This Superman is an utter cock. I would love to be more eloquent but his is just a cock. They have ruined the coolest aspect of the character of Superman. He comes from an advanced culture, where his own people were a superior bunch of know it alls. He arrives on Earth and is lucky to be found and adopted by a lovely couple who can’t have children. It was always the values and honesty of the Kents that made him Superman. It is at heart a cracking yarn of nature versus nurture. Here we find him at 19(??) behaving like a spoilt punk. Didn’t like anything about this awful version of the character.

A very Un-Superman

In the 'Superman' title he fares slightly better. It appears to be set now (although he is wearing the same costume in ‘Justice League’ – which is set 5 years earlier), and he is sporting a suit made of Kryptonian Battle Armour. In a change of world shattering importance, he has also ditched the red underpants. Aw, bloody hell. Couldn’t they have spray painted his crotch red? The Daily Planet is demolished to make way for the new Daily Planet Building, which now doubles as a TV Station. Clearly this was meant to modernise the title. Can I refer the bunch of clowns to the fact that this occurred in 'Superman' Issue 232 back in the early 70s. The Planet was bought by Morgan Edge and Clark Kent became a News Anchor. This was a similar attempt to update the title. It was unpopular with readers and quickly reversed. Lois and Clark are not together and have never been married in any of the titles. Lois is even with another boyfriend who works at The Planet. Again, there is not any indicator of what has or has not happened in this new mythos. Is there a Fortress Of Solitude? What about Kandor? Which Villains are around? Is there a Bizarro? Etc, Etc…

The 'Supergirl' title is similarly ambivalent as to when it takes place. She arrives on Earth for the first time. Is an aggressive bitch unlike the former ‘sweet’ persona. Then Superman turns up, wearing the Armour, which suggests the same timeframe as the ‘Superman’ title?

GREEN LANTERN

Sales were good, and so the 'Green Lantern' titles are relatively untouched. Not surprising as the previous makeover by Geoff Longjohns has propelled 'Green Lantern' to the centre stage of the DC Universe and it’s mythos. The ‘Green Lantern’ and ‘Green Lantern Corp’ titles seem unchanged, and so it seems that these readers have been spared simply because they had the decency to pony up more dosh during the last few years.

I have to confess that I really like ‘The Red Lantern’ title. I have liked these rage monsters from the second they appeared. Great art, and I like the concept. So far so good? Now we have a real problem, and his name is Kyle Raynor…

Oh dear. ‘Green Lantern – New Guardians’ – what a mess. They have kept the Green Lantern mythos intact (including recent additions from the War Of Light / Blackest Night)and yet they have still royally cut and pasted this one. When Hal Jordan became the Villain Parallax, Kyle Raynor took over as the sole remaining Green Lantern. He was still a popular character when Geoff Longjohns wisely decided to bring back Hal Jordan in ‘Green Lantern – Rebirth’. So he was kept around and even granted his nickname ‘the torch bearer’. Which gave a nod to his role in keeping the Corp alive (and the title – clever eh? Works on two levels). In ‘New Guardians’, none of this has happened. He is chosen in the first issue to become a Green Lantern, then he meets ring bearers of the other spectrums. Even though he was a pivotal character in ‘Green Lantern – Rebirth’. It seems that Geoff Longjohns is even prepared to cannibalise his own works of genius, in the pursuit of mediocrity. Surprise, surprise. No indicator whatsoever as to the time period that this is set. Which makes it really confusing as it is his first appearance and yet the other colour spectrums have ring bearers which makes this a recent event?

WONDER WOMAN

After the failure of the Kelley TV Series, and the on-going Movie Hell that is the screenplay for a new 'Wonder Woman' Movie. Surely DC will want to give our favourite Amazon a big relaunch. So what is new? She is now seven feet tall, and positively dwarfs the other females in the issue. She is also as aggressive as hell, and will clearly cut you up if you cross her. The new Jim Lee cossy is OK. Seen better. No clear timeframe (but you guessed that, right?).

Giant Sized Wonder Woman Number 1

THE FLASH

My favourite superhero – The Flash (shut up, he’s great), gets the worst treatment of all. It seems to be set years ago (usual utterly vague time line), is not married to Iris Allen (a famously long Superhero marriage, lasting some 40 plus years), and never died in the ‘Crisis’. Which could mean that ‘Flash Rebirth’ probably never happened. Again with the probably. Everything is bloody probably. You have no idea what the history or backstory of anything. Devaluing the entire Universe they expect you to rebuy into.

JUSTICE LEAGUE

The 'Justice League' is the flagship of this reboot, and the title that Dan Didiot hammered on about like a sermon. Simply put, it is not very good. It takes place 5 years ago (at least we got a caption this time). The Heroes all start to meet up, and look about 21. Not much happens. Batman, Green Lantern and Superman meet up as some creature from Darkseid attacks Gotham City. Meanwhile we prepare to meet everyone’s least favourite member of The Teen Titans (Cyborg), in a run up to him becoming a major player in the new DC Universe. Yet another misjudgement of what the readers really want. Glad Didiot likes him though…

THE REST

Of the other new titles we have a great relaunch of Jonah Hex in ‘All Star Western’, and ‘Blackhawks’ brings us a new version of the WW2 heroes. I like these simply because they are a fresh start, and have no ambiguities. They are not great but they show how the entire line should have been rebooted.

We have a few more superduds in the form of the truly awful and deadly dull, ‘Justice League International’, which totally misses the mark, failing to capture any of the magic of the original 80s title. A shame as there is actually a following out there for a comeback.

Soft core ‘Bat-Porn’ is offered within the titles of ‘Batwoman’ and ‘Catwoman’ – for those of you that really need you main characters to be prancing around in their underwear for no real reason. ‘Catwoman’ is especially great for these targeted younger readers, as they get the see Batman giving Catwoman a really good rodding. The fetish levels of Batman have never reached such giddy heights.

‘Green Arrow’ manages to go one stage further in pointlessness. The character is another young prick, who is no longer married to Black Canary, or has even met her? It is hard to be totally sure as we have the murky time frame to contend with. There is no point in bothering with this poorly written (and drawn) mess. Green Arrow has always worked best as part of an ensemble, as he is a bit lame and boring on his own. Why bother revamping this? Oh yeah, and what is it with 'O.M.A.C.'? Please will some of you please email Didiot and tell him you do not want to ever hear the name again!

WORST OFFENDER

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the New Old ‘Batgirl’.

Even the most casual of readers will be aware of the seminal classic that is ‘The Killing Joke’. Alan Moore and Brian Bolland gave us the definitive Joker story in 1988, and then sensationally shot Barbara Gordon through the spine, ending her tenure as ‘Batgirl’. Over the last twenty years she became the information broker of the DCU - ‘Oracle’, and redefined her place as a much bigger player in the DC Universe than she ever was dressed in gold and purple. Best of all, they never went back on it. Even in a Universe where dead is never dead for long, and miracles happen weekly. They never cheapened this bold move, until now…

So how does the original ‘Batgirl’ return? At least we have scope for an epic 12 Issue storyline equal to the gravity of the situation and giving Oracle a massive send off? Yeah. Right. Didiot’s answer to this is one page showing that The Joker shot her, but in the words of Babs Gordon, “The Joker never beat me. The bullet never beat me”. Great. That is the best they could come up with. Pathetic. So Oracle never happened, erasing ‘Birds Of Prey’? But no, wait. Isn’t there a new ‘Birds Of Prey’ title? My head feels like it might explode at this point. Yup. Didiot’s fudge here is that the bullet didn’t do much damage and she got over it. The disabled readership took appropriate umbrage at losing a unique hero, and quite rightly. Lazy, sloppy, and downright insulting. This actually treats us with contempt.

20 years of a disabled Comicbook icon - erased by one panel

My real pity is for the owners of Comicbook Stores, who have been shafted by the digital switch, and then expected to peddle this quasi-rebooted crap with conviction. Every night they cosy up in bed with DC, who now reek of the cheap perfume of the tablet market. They have been put in a hopeless position where they are fully aware that this new line of comics is very poor indeed, and yet they have to promote them, because their commercial existence depends on them. All around the Globe these poor sods are in varying states of denial, but can’t be too vocal as they have a very big dog in this fight. It used to be that Turkeys didn’t want to vote for Christmas. DC expects their Turkeys to actually stuff and baste themselves.

So what has all of this achieved?

The characters look younger. Some people drink Red Bull. Lois Lane talks about Twitter. Most of the major female characters get their tits out a lot and wear sexy underwear.

What a fantastic reboot. Nice one guys. Maybe their next project should be rebooting ‘Hollyoaks’. (US readers can find out about ‘Hollyoaks’ on Wikipedia – it’s a search engine that cool young DC Comics characters use).

In concluding last month, I did promise that I would give Lars Von Nazi a second chance after he subjected me to the awful ‘Antichrist’. I can confirm that I have indeed taken the plunge and seen ‘Melancholia’ – his stab at a Sci-Fi movie. I will be brief. It is actually a totally new genre which I refer to as ‘Artmageddon’. We are subjected to the end of the world playing out with unpleasant toffs in a Country Manor. Dreary, and boring as hell. There is an astonishing 7 minutes sequence at the beginning and a gripping 5 minutes at the end. You might be also interested in the bit where Kirsten Dunst moonbathes in the nude, about two thirds of the way through. Just watch those bits. Believe me I am doing you a massive favour.

Another massive favour I can perform would be to also warn you about another potential nightmare out there in Movieland. Me and Kris Heys (News Editor and my radio Show Co-Host) took some time out and had a lovely weekend as guests at the ‘Grimm Up North’ Horror Film Festival. How nice to have one in Manchester. We never get anything (sigh). Sadly we had to endure a very sad occasion at the closing of the Festival on the Sunday Night. The final movie was the sequel to ‘The Wicker Man’ – penned by the original Author, Robin Hardy. ‘The Wicker Tree’ would be far more worthy of the title ‘Carry On Wicker’, as it evokes the same atmosphere as the disastrous ‘re-launch’ of the ‘Carry On’ Franchise in 1992 with ‘Carry On Columbus’. Watching this movie is a bizarre experience. Can’t remember seeing anything quite like it – and not in any good way. Kris tells me that this monstrosity had been in the works for quite some time. Apparently originally written as ‘The Riding Of the Laddie’, later resurfacing as a novel entitled ‘Cowboys For Christ’. It seems that Author Robin Hardy has been trying to get this on screen for some time.

Christopher Lee prays to the Sun God for a happy and sequel free retirement for Robin Hardy

I need to be blunt about this movie. This is in no way a sequel of any sorts to the seminal ‘Wicker Man’. It involves a Pagan Village and sacrificing, but other than a dreadful scene on a hill, spliced into the movie just to gain the eponymous title, there is no connection - other than being a polar opposite in terms of quality. I feel bad because Robin Hardy is a nice old geezer, and he was charming in person. Unfortunately he seems more than a little deluded about all of this. This reached alarming proportions when the poor sod told us that this was in fact only the second part of His ‘Wicker Trilogy’ – oh jeez man! I just wanted to give him a hug and wheel him off to the retirement home. I can’t even begin to review this movie. It is a bizarre experience from beginning to end. Every actor involved pitches their performances towards varying levels of sitcom farce. The atmosphere is strange and inappropriate throughout. There is one scene involving a dead cat that had me looking around the cinema just to confirm that everyone was as confused as me. Later on we are even subjected to an actual ‘Wayne’s World’ style 'Scooby Doo' Flashback. Just to be clear. This is not one of those experiences that is “so bad it's good”. It is a terrible movie. It is like visiting a dead relative to say a last goodbye in the chapel of rest, only to find that the Undertaker has stuck their head on backwards post autopsy. ‘The Wicker Man’ is a one off, and no amount of enthusiasm from poor Robin Hardy is going to change that obvious fact.

That is me done. Next month I will know whether the rumours of Steampunk Musketeers and Airships are true…

Jordan Royce can be contacted at jordan.royce@starburstmagazine.com and co-hosts the Starburst Radio Show with News Editor Kris Heys,  every Sunday 9pm until 12 GMT  on Manchester Radio Online – www.manchesterradioonline.com also available from iTunes as a Podcast.