BLAIR WITCH

PrintE-mail Written by Jordan Royce

If you are the sort of vacuous, chin-stroking individual that thought The Blair Witch Project was a masterclass of modern filmmaking, then you need to hunt around for an alternative review of this “movie experience”. If you are right-minded, and can actually see the wood for those trees, then we can only strongly recommend that you find something better to do with your free time than catching up with this “sequel”.

Blair Witch is a cinematic headlong dive into a cesspit, without even the distraction of a forward triple somersault. The Blair Witch Project was probably the most overrated horror flick ever made, a one trick found footage pony that ejaculated its finishing scene in the first five minutes of its runtime. A badly made movie artificially elevated to cult status by a viral internet campaign powered by moronic hipsters. Yet, in a masterstroke, Blair Witch has actually managed to waste five million dollars on an updated embarrassment that might actually be worse…

In an almost virtual rerun of the original, a bunch of similar half-wits set off to uncover the fate of the snotty-nosed girl from the original. The link is provided by character James (the brother of the snot fetish queen), played in pay cheque-grasping mode by James Allen McCune. While he is fairly competent, the rest of the cast are pretty much a disaster, the lack of acting talent rendering any later plot reveals mute as you had already figured everything out from their ham-fisted attempts at subtle foreshadowing. Most of them act like seven-year-olds in a school play just biding their time waiting for their moment. We felt sorry for Callie Hernandez who was the only person that could form facial expressions and reactions that were in sync with the actual events unfolding around them.

We say unfolding, but that is a misleading comment, as the experience is just a disorientating mess designed seemingly as ammo for chin-strokers to use whilst lording it over casual moviegoers, with their protestations that they get the genius of it all. In reality it’s just a mess of cut scenes, flashes. Vague imagery (that won’t be vague once everyone downloads the torrented version and starts with the screen capping!), running scenes, and bushes. It’s the original with a five-million-dollar budget, and a one-thousand-dollar drone. Obviously, the drone was meant to enforce the passage of time. Although to be fair we would suggest you contact director Adam Wingard and find out the model of this bad boy drone as its battery lasts for days, not the standard 75 minutes. As for Wingard, we loved The Guest, and even had a lot of time for V/H/S, so this is a disappointment on an epic level.

There is one interesting idea - just one! The passage of time seems to exist on another plane in the woods. This is quickly jettisoned to make way for a load of running, screaming, and torch beam porn. Ultimately you would be expecting this to lead somewhere, and expand upon the ending of the original movie, whilst expanding the mythology. Don’t hold your breath.

Blair Witch is another Emperor’s new suit of clothes, sadly made from the same material (faeces).

Avoid this film at all costs. If you later find that any of your friends or family actually liked this movie, then we suggest you disassociate yourself from them, and avoid them at all costs too, as they will only disappoint you somewhere down the line.

BLAIR WITCH / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: ADAM WINGARD / SCREENPLAY: SIMON BARRETT / STARRING: JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE, CALLIE HERNANDEZ, COBRIN REID, BRANDON SCOTT, WES ROBINSON / RELEASE DATE: SEPTEMBER 15TH

Expected Rating: 6 out of 10

Actual Rating: 

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Comments  

 
0 #28 Scott 2016-09-26 19:07
How frighteningly mature of you, what a professional class act you are...Seriously though thank you for that as now I know you are just pathetic...
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0 #27 Jordan Royce 2016-09-26 14:35
*cough* http://www.starburstmagazine.com/scott.jpg
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0 #26 Scott 2016-09-25 21:40
*cough* the problem here isn't your opinion of the film, it's your need to insult every reader who doesn't share your opinion. Your 'review' was borderline abusive, I don't appreciate being called a chinstroking moron Mr Royce. Also *cough* a lot of your insults were based on your thoughts about the original film and it *cough* didn't bomb did it? Perhaps you should consider apologising for being unnecessarily insulting to people rather than acting so *cough* smug about it...
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0 #25 Jordan Royce 2016-09-25 13:09
*cough* http://1428elm.com/2016/09/20/blair-witch-bombs-box-office-franchise-likely-dead/
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0 #24 Jordan Royce 2016-09-25 13:08
*cough* http://variety.com/2016/film/columns/blair-witch-is-the-found-footage-horror-film-over-1201864069/
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0 #23 Jordan Royce 2016-09-25 13:07
*cough* http://www.cinemablend.com/news/1557760/why-blair-witch-bombed-at-the-box-office
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0 #22 Scott 2016-09-22 20:59
I don't usually double post on articles but damp it if you didn't make me angry, I just had to check your other reviews to see if they were all as unprofessional and insulting as this as I couldn't understand how I never noticed it before. Speaks volumes that I couldn't find a single other review by you. What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is the quintessential case of don't give up your day job.
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0 #21 Scott 2016-09-22 20:50
Just FYI perhaps, having written such a childishly vitriolic review based entirely upon the notion that your opinions are actually cold, hard facts and stating that anyone who disagrees is a moron, you shouldn't proudly state that you are the editor of starburst. The reason I say this is my original intention in visiting the site today was to subscribe to the magazine, but having read your pretentious outburst, and then checking one of my issues of the mag to confirm that you are actually it's editor, I will not pick up an issue ever again. You see, I am a moron...not because I do actually like the original film but for reading starburst for the last 3 years. I suggest in future you stick to editing not reviewing/insulting your readers. In short, you sir, are an ASS!
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0 #20 Dach 2016-09-19 16:20
"A badly made movie artificially elevated to cult status by a viral internet campaign powered by moronic hipsters."

Dislike the film all you want, but how exactly are they "moronic"? That campaign helped turn an $80K movie into a $250 million sensation.
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0 #19 Chinstroker 2016-09-17 17:40
Who are you, and WHAT magazine/site/clickbait is this place? I'm indeed thankful that I've never heard of you, aren't paying attention now, and won't ever have to hear of/from you again. It is indeed enjoyable to listen to a feces(faeces)(s ic)-thrower banter words about like an aggravated chimpanzee. You are proof of the saying that it is far easier to destroy than to create. Please enjoy your 15 minutes, as the chance won't come around again.
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+1 #18 Jack Saint Hunter 2016-09-17 17:38
You do realize that this movie is most likely the best movie of found footage since TBWP right ?!? You might need to go back to grammar school. Insulting the film makers is not the way to go. I could understand if this was a direct to DVD movie but the people behind this movie are a group of amazing people and film makers. Dan and Ed would kick your ass if they personally knew you. I bet you couldn't even make a decent porno movie due to the fact that you couldn't 'measure up' . If you think the movie sucks then go make your own movie in which is most likely not going to happen due to you bashing people who have done thins with their lives. Good job on writing for a website that you do voluntarily . Keep up the good work..... You need to re-watch Bambi and take some morality notes.
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+1 #17 Dave from California 2016-09-16 20:55
Wow...did the filmmakers pick on you in grade school? Way to get personal in the reviews and come off like a one night stand that hasn't been called back, Simple Jack.

Starburst (haha!) Magazine should hire another critic.
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-4 #16 Brieanna 2016-09-14 05:48
Even though he hates Blair Witch you all got that it wasn't serious? Comically OTT? luv the films but this had me LMAO. Y'all need to put on your smiley faces.
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+1 #15 Jonathon 2016-09-14 02:17
I now know to avoid this critics reviews of films at all costs. This is absolutely the worst film review I have ever read. I don't believe I have ever read a film review where a critic, and I use that title extremely loosely here, insults it's viewers so blatantly and attempts to go as far as to suggest they alienate friends and family if they like the film. This would be a perfect template for a professor to use in an English course of how "NOT" to write a review. I never heard of your site or you before I saw this, and I will never again give you that satisfaction of a click. May your site go down in flames quickly and painfully.
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+2 #14 Everyone 2016-09-14 02:12
You must be so alone. Even a movie I hated like Suicide Squad, I would never tell other people to avoid it at all costs and if someone liked it they're dumb. It truly shows how dumb you are. Art is up to each individual to perceive differently. Please quit. You're very, very bad at this.
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+6 #13 Jesse 2016-09-13 21:53
This is not how a film critic writes. This is how an obnoxious polemicist writes. Reign it in already.
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-3 #12 Ash 2016-09-13 21:28
The first Blair Witch was a triumph over marketing rather than anything artistically meaningful!

It's also responsible for the trend of equally poor 'found footage' movies-somthing else to blsme it for.
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+1 #11 Quethan 2016-09-13 18:17
The passage of time/warped space shit was heavily implied in the first film too.
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+8 #10 Johnnie 2016-09-13 18:09
Wow - what a gross piece of writing. You can dislike the movie all you want, but the level of smug, self-satisfied condescension in this review is almost embarrassing (and, ironically, sounds like *exactly* the type of thing a "vacuous, chin-stroking individual" might write!)

I won't presume to know what kind of weird things are happening in your life, but judging by the vitriol you just sprayed all over this silly, spooky movie, maybe it's time to step back and take stock of whatever went wrong.

I hate to be an asshole, but if you don't like being insulted, try to refrain from speaking down to your readers - you'll get a lot farther that way.
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+7 #9 Brita 2016-09-13 17:54
What an embarrassing review. We get it, you're sooo much smarter than everyone else. Congratulations .
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-12 #8 Jordan Royce 2016-09-13 14:58
"is not the sort of thing that should get past the editor of a website/magazine of the calibre of Starburst."

I wrote it, and I am the Editor of STARBURST Magazine.
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+5 #7 Harry 2016-09-13 10:57
I really enjoyed this movie but have read some entertaining negative reviews of it too - one describes it as 'just the 1999 version done with an electric guitar instead of an acoustic,' which I find quite clever.

This review is not clever. This reviewer sounds like a little child with an axe to grind.

'Blair Witch is another Emperor’s new suit of clothes, sadly made from the same material (faeces)' is not the sort of thing that should get past the editor of a website/magazine of the calibre of Starburst.
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+4 #6 Pete 2016-09-13 09:43
I really liked the movie! But then I really liked the original. Guess I might be a vacuous, chin-stroking individual!
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+12 #5 Jay 2016-09-13 02:20
This article reminds me why I'm not a film critic. I could never be this joyless or bitchy.
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+15 #4 Steven 2016-09-12 23:48
This review is so obnoxious and the writer is such an unpleasant person that its actually making me more excited to see the movie.

Because if this is the type of person who would complain about it then I'm sure I'll have a fun time with it.
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+13 #3 Joseph 2016-09-12 22:25
I agree with William, very well said, what a garbage review. This is not a movie meant for sniffling critics who like dramas exclusively. The least you could do is judge it from a person's perspective who actually likes these types of movies. Judging by the overall consensus, this is clearly not a one star movie. I'm sick of snotty critics who only like one kind of movie.
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+14 #2 Maccorf 2016-09-12 22:23
This is a comically loathsome review. You are obviously trying to insult those who liked the original (whether you realize you are or not), a group which I am definitely a part of, but it just comes off as puerile. I haven't seen the new one, and maybe it is seriously a horrible experience, but no one should trust a word of this aggressive review. I suppose you got your click though, which is all that matters.
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+12 #1 William 2016-09-12 22:11
You can review a film without insulting those that have a different opinion than yours. In fact, your "review" is almost completely constructed of insulting and criticizing everything surrounding the movie, focusing very little on what you actually disliked about the movie itself. You sound like an entitled brat, and if this is actually your career, you have a lot to learn. This coming from someone who was bored to death through the first movie, don't plan on seeing the second.
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