SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO!

PrintE-mail Written by Ed Fortune

Historians often talk about key moments in history; points in time where one can identify a shift in culture. Often these are seemingly minor things and can be used to track if a society is continuing to rise or fall. Sharknado 3 is a phenomenal cultural event. The significance of it, however, is best left as an exercise for the reader.

In case the franchise has passed you by, the Sharknado movies are set in a world where tornadoes filled with sharks are a thing. It rains predatory fish so hard that the creatures can smash through walls and devour anyone in sight. This happens with alarming frequency. Sharknado 3 opens with lead character Fin Sheppard (Ian Ziering) being honoured by the President at The White House for all his shark fighting shenanigans in the previous movies. He is honoured with a gold-plated chainsaw for his services, and alas, festivities are cut short when a rain of sharks attack, bursting through the White House walls.

Cue a series of very silly action scenes in which a host of C-list celebs (including Lou Ferrigno and Jackie Collins) get devoured by the fishy fiends. Fin fights the beasties, assisted by a less-than-Presidential-looking President (played by entrepreneur and producer Mark Cuban). After a spot of patriotism and some exploding public buildings, the opening titles appear.

The action quickly shifts to an American theme park. Amidst the product placement and celebrity cameos, we meet Fin’s pregnant wife (Tara Reid), his daughter (Ryan Newman) and mother-in-law (Bo Derek). The sharks attack from the skies yet again, this time landing on rollercoasters in order to snack on unsuspecting thrill seekers. More celebs get chomped (including the likes of Chris Jericho, Jedward and Jerry Springer) as well as a whole host of American TV types we neither recognise nor care about. By the time we get to the appearance of franchise regular Nova Clarke (Cassie Scerbo), enough blood has been spilled to open a very red aquarium. Nova explains that these sharks live in the clouds, feasting on birds. Of course they do.

The silliness continues in a similar vein throughout. The pattern includes unlikely locations, random celebs, some sneaky adverts and CGI gore. By the time we get to Penn & Teller talking to Fin’s deadbeat astronaut father (played by David Hasslehoff), we’re pretty much sharked out. Surely, we think, it can’t get sillier. It does. Trust us, it does.

Director Anthony C. Ferrante takes every opportunity to turn the movie up a notch. Just when you think it couldn’t be dafter, gorier or more ridiculous, it goes there. With its many, many cameos, rampant product placement and repeatedly silly moments, you may be forgiven for thinking that Sharknado 3 is a parody of Hollywood excess. It isn’t. It is instead the inevitable result. It sets the bar for movies that are made solely to wow the audience. Michael Bay take note: if your next awful franchise feature does not have laser chainsaws and space sharks, then you are doing it wrong.

To give this film a decent score would be an insult to the many low-budget features out there that scrape every penny they can find together to produce something good. Sharknado 3 was made to make as much cash as possible whilst making you giggle at how cheap it looks.

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! is a very bad movie, and deliberately so. When a movie suggests how you should react to it in its title, take note. It’s trying to warn you. On the other hand, if you need a truly terrible movie in your life, then Sharknado 3 is perfect.

SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! / CERT: 15 / DIRECTOR: ANTHONY C. FERRANTE / SCREENPLAY: THUNDER LEVIN / STARRING: IAN ZIERING, TARA REID, CASSIE SCERBO, BO DEREK, DAVID HASSELHOFF
 

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