A NEW YORK WINTER'S TALE

PrintE-mail Written by Kieron Moore

DVD REVIEW: A NEW YORK WINTER’S TALE / CERT: 12A / DIRECTOR: AKIVA GOLDSMAN / SCREENPLAY: AKIVA GOLDSMAN / STARRING: COLIN FARRELL, JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY, RUSSELL CROWE, JENNIFER CONNELLY / RELEASE DATE: AUGUST 18TH

What if once upon a time there were no stars in the sky at all… what if they aren’t what we think at all? What if they come from our wings as we turn into angels?” is the first line of A New York Winter’s Tale. Fuck me, that’s terrible, isn’t it? But it’s OK, lots of films stumble on the opening voiceover, I’m sure it’ll get better… oh, the monologue’s continuing with some tedious bullshit about the miracle in all of us. It’s fine, we’ll have some actual dialogue soon and surely it’ll improve. I mean, imagine if every second line in the whole damn film exhibited the same awfully po-faced seriousness. But that wouldn’t happen, right? Oh.

There really isn’t a lot to recommend in Akiva Goldsman’s ridiculously failed attempt at mimicking Neil Gaiman. Colin Farrell, a thief with a fabulous 1910s-style emo fringe, is on the run alongside his inexplicably flying horse (who also has a fabulous fringe) when he falls in love at first sight with some girl from Downton Abbey and packs in thievery to mope over her. The problem is, she’s dying of tuberculosis and needs to be kept in chilly environments, Victor Freeze-style. Cue love story with worse romantic dialogue than Attack of the Clones, the lowlight being “Give me a chance and you'll melt all the snow in the world”, somehow simultaneously turning both her terminal illness and a potential climate change catastrophe into a chat-up line.

There’s also a bit set in 2014, in which Farrell is still young and active. Why? She made him love her so much that he didn’t die. No, really. That’s it. That’s actually in the actual film.

Adversity comes in the cracked face of Russell Crowe, who makes a half-assed attempt at playing a mob boss demon out to catch Farrell for reasons I can’t be bothered to remember. Maybe you and your mates can entertain yourselves for five minutes with a game of ‘guess which accent Russell's trying to do’.

The one thing that does score Winter’s Tale some points is Will Smith’s absurdly weird cameo as the Devil. Not because it’s at all good, but I’m not sure it’s terrible either, it just… is. It defies explanation. If you watch it and understand what you just watched, and why, you’re a cleverer person than me. I wanted him to come back, just so I could maybe understand and learn something about myself in the process.

That surreal transcendental experience aside, A New York Winter’s Tale is a big steaming pile of magic flying horse shit. With an utterly muddled plot and dialogue that would make Tommy Wiseau cringe, the only real miracle in this film is when it ends.

Extras: Featurette


Suggested Articles:
Forty years after it was broadcast in the ‘Drama Two’ slot on BBC 2, the acclaimed dystopian ser
As far as alluring film titles and lurid thrillers go, giallo films have always ruled the roost, and
Initially almost buried by the studio that bankrolled it, and subsequently reappraised to such exten
Nisekoi: False Love Season 2 starts with Chitoge mulling over her romantic feelings for Raku despite
scroll back to top

Add comment

Security code
Refresh

Other articles in DVD / Blu-ray Reviews

1990 SERIES ONE 23 April 2017

THE NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE 22 April 2017

PERFORMANCE 22 April 2017

NISEKOI SEASON 2 22 April 2017

THE HUNGER 22 April 2017

MIDNIGHT SUN 22 April 2017

ELSA: FRAULEIN SS (FRAULEIN DEVIL) 21 April 2017

SHERLOCK SERIES 4 20 April 2017

DRUNKEN MASTER 18 April 2017

THE CHUCK NORRIS COLLECTION 14 April 2017

- Entire Category -

Sign up today!
Banner
Banner
Banner
Banner
Banner
Banner
Banner