It’s Only a Movie – a Column By Jordan Royce
Written by Jordan Royce
Sunday, 14 August 2011
It's Only A Movie - by Jordan Royce
Last month I had a very strange cinema experience.
I had arrived totally prepared for another mind numbing therapy session. This was to be my eighth and final session, completing the course of mind relaxation/boredom therapy, which had been spread across a ten year period. I estimate that the cost of this series of treatments is approximately £75 English Pounds, and has afforded me a regular opportunity for my entire mind to go into a Zen-like trance of meditation for two hours and fifteen minutes. During this period you would be normally subjected to some Fantasy Cinematic imagery, some children taking acting lessons at your expense, and a plot made of gossamer. The Imagery would begin, the children would provide a distraction as you compare their behaviour to that of the actors, then finally the gossamer plots floats away in the breeze, and your mind achieves total shutdown. You remain in this meditative state for the duration of the imagery, and then leave with no memory of the experience. This therapy has been part of my life for a decade, and has helped me to cope with two divorces and several bereavements.
I knew something was wrong almost immediately, as I had begun to watch the cinematic imagery and it actually appeared to have some relevance to the plot. The plot itself did not appear to be made of the gossamer of the previous sessions, and seemed to be remaining intact within my mind. There was a small amount of actual acting from the children, which came as a tremendous shock, and further prevented my mind from drifting off. What on earth was going on? The last session had been amazingly disconnecting. A perfect example of what I had come to expect. How dare they try to entertain me, and keep me awake. This ruins everything. What about my planned eighteen hour rerun of the entire sessions? I was going to try to achieve enlightenment like Buddha.
Of course, you realise that I am referring to the beloved Harry Potter Franchise, and my viewing of ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2’. It is probably best that I elucidate. I am THAT guy. The one that never quite got where all of this was coming from. I make the primary admittance that I only read the first novel, and have not read any of the subsequent ones, including the novel upon which this current screenplay is based. But so what? These films need to stand up on their own without a copious knowledge of a set of books. Those books may be classics (although based upon the first one, I am sceptical), but they don’t automatically validate a movie version. A movie adaptation of any novel has to stand on its’ own two feet, and cater for those of us not lucky enough to have been exposed to this literary zeitgeist. I am not convinced that they ever delivered on that level, and merely serve as an accessory for Potter addicts, and as trailers for the novels.
A group of enthusiasts dressing up
For the last ten years I have felt like a young child growing up in the deep south of America, in a town where lots of the adults are members of the Klu Klux Klan. The people seem nice enough. You have known them all your life. Good old George the town barber, Uncle Gary the town Sheriff, etc.
Then you get a little older and realise what those meetings at the Town Hall, the costumes you get glimpses of, and the weird songs are actually all about. Exactly like the Harry Potter phenomena, all of the people around you are into something that you just don’t understand, or ever want to. In similarly cultish (that is the right word, but there is another one I could have used) behaviour, ‘Pott-Heads’ even attended Waterstones dressed as Wizards at midnight. Often queuing for hours, just to be there to get their early copy. These are the only guys who make gamers look cool! Anything would be preferable to Rowling with these homies.
A group of enthusiasts dressing up
J.K. Rowling herself is also a constant contradiction, and I find myself wondering what she is really all about, as she makes great claims that she no longer writes for money, but for the fans. For a lady who bangs on ad nausea about her single parent hardships, she has constructed a fantasy world that reeks of the upper middle-class Public School system. With names like ‘Hermione’, and ‘Ron Weasley’, these kids wouldn’t last 5 minutes at ‘Grange Hill’. Then you have to consider the ‘Lexicon’ lawsuit. For those of you wearing Rowling tinted glasses, I will elaborate. Steve Vander Ark is a full time loser of epic proportions, and the poster boy of how twisted fandom can get. He published a factually jam-packed website devoted to the Potter experience, so impressive that J.K. Rowling used to log on herself, and was a fan. Her enthusiasm for our favourite, creepy ass, ‘Bill Gates’ lookalike, faded when he then decided to publish it as a book. J.K. promptly went to town on the sad bastard, and sued him into oblivion. “Not about the money?”- really? Rowling’s global acolytes predictably leapt to her defence, and made Vander Ark’s life a living hell. Ironically she has been accused herself of plagiarism, by the late author Adrian Jacobs, whose ‘Willy the Wizard’ bears some striking similarities to ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’. I find the fans (especially), Rowling, and the whole ‘Pottermania’ phenomena, to be very off putting, and more than a little bit repugnant. When I then have to hear Rowling compared to ‘Lewis Carol’, I laugh. Lots. Ha Ha. See. It happened again.
J.K. Rowling - The new Lewis Carol and a bit of a bitch - seen here having a stroke
I had almost given up on Hogwarts therapy, after ‘The Half Blood Prince’ had put me in so deep a trance, that I was nearly swept away with all of the spilt popcorn. Unfortunately ‘The Deathly Shallows – Part 1’ was one of the in-flight movies on my way to Vegas in April, and so I figured I could do with the mental shutdown in order to pass time quickly. How wrong I was. This was the longest flight of my life. All down to the overblown, bloated, mess that is the first part of this finale. Wisely cut into two halves from my perspective, as I would have jumped from the emergency exit had this convoluted mythology wank gone on for a second further. The only part I liked was the unintentional homage to those ‘Dr Evil’ meetings by the bad guys in every ‘Austin Powers’ movie. Which, though very funny to watch, appeared very strange, and out of kilter with the vibe of the film. It was clear in those scenes that poor Helena Bonham Carter was the only person aware that she was appearing in a movie that was screwing up that important last bit on the CV. We can have no such sympathy with Ralph Fiennes, as his names sounds silly.
Having already endured 7 sessions, our News Editor Kris Heys, dragged me at wand point to watch ‘Deathly Hallows – Part 2’. I may be exaggerating a little, but I really was not looking forward to this ordeal. This is where, as I previously stated, I had many surprises in store. Firstly, I have to state that this is not a complete movie experience in its own right. The structure is totally wrong. Beginning with a massive lull in proceedings, better suited to the mid-section of a lengthy adventure film. This is an unavoidable flaw due to splitting the novel into two screen plays. The join would always show. If you ignore that obvious limitation, what follows is actually entertaining, and there is the obvious shock from my perspective. Something actually happens at long last. The long awaited battle between Hogwarts and the Dark army of Voldemort, and the personal showdown between Potter and Voldemort are both visually impressive, and the pacing is actually superb. I was bothered for the first time, about the final outcome. The acting from Radcliffe, Watson, and Grint is better, but still terrible. They will always rank as the worst major casting choice ever. I cannot believe that these wooden buggers were the best available. When you also have the superb ‘SUPER 8’ released within weeks of ‘Hallows’, you are given an example of how wanton their performances have been over this last decade. How reassuring to see that the Potter trio are just an aberrance and that some child performers can still deliver a central performance. It is a good job that Radcliff is prepared to get his knob out on stage, because he will need to have some way of getting attention once these movies start to appear in the blockbuster clearance bins. I was actually worried that we were getting another glimpse at Radcliffe's little wand in the weird sequence in which Harry and Ron stripped down to the waist, with Hermione clearly not wanting to join in the sweaty hilltop revelry. Congratulations also to Mr Grint for giving us the first (and last) moobies of the saga. They were impressive, but I hope that they were genuine and Mr Grint has not fallen for the Hollywood obsession with silicone.
'It's Only Some Moobies'
My firm opinion on the future career prospects of my boy Daniel, also appear to have landed me with a potential future problem. On the 17th July episode of the Starburst Radio Show, I ended up so frustrated that I offered £500 to any person who has a copy of the show off iTunes, should Mr Radcliffe have a role in any film on release on the same date, ten years later. This was legally binding. The next day a helpful reader on twitter informed me that I had a potential liability of over two million pounds should this be the case. Blimey. I was also pleased to see that the special effects were also pretty spectacular in the final battle sequence, and far superior to the previous instalments, which were variable if I am being polite. The scenes of devastation were very effective, and seeing Hogwarts in ruins had the desired shock value, even though previously I felt like planting explosives in the place myself.
So, it was great to be finally getting a few decent movies after the dismal start to blockbuster season with the appalling fourth ‘Pirates’ instalment. But it is way too late for me to see the entire Harry Potter movie franchise as anything other than a missed opportunity to put some real magic up on the screen. I’m sorry for all you ‘Pott-Heads’ out there that are desperately trying to convince the rest of us, that these movies are not mostly rubbish. The truth is simply that they leeched cash off a bunch of fans, desperate to see the imagery from the books up on the silver screen. A rousing ending does not compensate me for the 7 previous lacklustre adventures. It is a real shame because that final scene was really quite fantastic, and affecting. It is a shame that the makers of this saga took so bloody long to get their act together.
There were no such shocks in store for me when I sat down to watch the wonderful ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’. Now I had done my tour of duty with the good old Captain. Being a long-time reader of the Comic, and witnessing the Reb Brown TV Movie, and the woefully under budget 1990 Movie starring Matt Salinger, who would later do nothing because he could not act. I use the term ‘witnessing’, as it reflects my feelings that I was a bystander to a series of terrible crimes, rather than a mere viewer of some bad movies. They were THAT bad. In fairness, the character is a tricky one. Especially after ‘Team America’ made it all but impossible to get away with American Patriotism in movies, without having your tongue firmly placed in your cheek. When the whole ‘Marvel Movieverse’ started to take shape, and another Cap movie was announced, I was pretty apathetic. Then Joe Johnston put his name to it, and I got very excited indeed
Joe Johnston helmed one of my favourite Superhero movies ‘The Rocketeer’, which famously bombed in the summer of 1991. Cut down in the tsunamic wake of the dreadful ‘Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves’. ‘The Rocketeer’ was a revelation to me at the time. A perfectly crafted comicbook translation that wasn’t remotely trying to cover up its source material. This one had it all. Nazis, gangsters, Howard Hughes, all in a superbly realised WW2 period setting. It also had one of my favourite movie visuals – an airship! Whilst also explaining what really happened to the Hollywood sign. I was mortified to see this movie fail so badly, amidst very favourable critical feedback. It remains an incredibly underrated movie, and I have always been a bit gutted for poor old Joe. He really nailed it. When I heard he had got the Captain America gig, I was a very happy chap. If this went well, Mr Johnston would get some vindication at last...
Kevin Costner has much to answer for...
‘Captain America: The First Avenger’ is an absolute corker of a movie. In every way, the thematic sequel to ‘The Rocketeer’. Again Johnston nails the era to perfection. The clothes, the attitude, the very feel of the WW2 setting. The entire cast is superb, but for me the portrayal of Howard Stark by Dominic Cooper is a revelation. Also Stanley Tucci raises the role of scientist Abraham Erskine, way above his function as the provider of the super serum. The entire Marvel Universe of the 40’s is brilliantly realised, and it made me want to see this retro 'Marvel Retro Movieverse' again. Which is a shame, as it was always destined to propel the character into a contemporary setting. Otherwise – no Avengers. It is a real shame though, as it all worked so well, with Stark Senior as Q Branch for all super hero needs. It would have been great to see S.H.I.E.L.D. being formed, and many other pieces of the modern Marvel sandbox being established.
'an absolute corker of a movie...'
The character of Captain America has always been a potential jingoistic nightmare. As you are effectively dealing with a proganda tool, which in the current climate post 911, is hard to sell overseas. Certainly, the fact that the movie has been released as simply ‘The First Avenger’ in quite a few Countries, explains how hard a sell this movie could be if handled incorrectly. I have to admire the manner in which these problems are deftly handled in the movie. In a stroke of genius, the writers manage to include the original comics, the original cheesy costume (and the original non-chuckable shield), and totally side-step the questionable aspects of a guy dressed in the flag of his country. They even manage to include Bucky. The un-coolest sidekick ever. Even that works well. Providing a lot of the emotional drive of the character. Evans himself I was unsure of when I heard he had landed the gig. Boy did he prove himself, creating a great balance between the wooden character of the early comics, and the grittier, contemporary version seen recently. Hayley Atwell you totally accept. You have no doubt she is of that era. The romance between Cap and Peggy is touching stuff, and you are moved by what transpires later on.
I have to say one major element about 'Captain America: The First Avenger’ that I really appreciate. The pacing. How sick and tired I am of wading through movies that slow up for long periods of exposition, and then race madly through the last hour to fit in the action set pieces. I am also sick of movies being at least half an hour too long (‘Pirates 4’ gets its second mention this month). Please everyone watch this movie carefully, and teach this as a text book example of how to get the pace right. It is a perfect two hours, which maintains a completely consistent flow and pace throughout. Not even once did I consider what time it was, or how long there was until the end. Perfect.
Downsides? No Airships and the 3D was a load of crap. But, if you guys wanna keep giving them the extra money, then they will keep doing these shit conversions. Also, how many times have you ponied up for the glasses you forgot to keep from the last mugging?
Am I saying it vindicates Joe Johnson. Yeah, I think the box office and the reception has been pretty good. With doubtless healthy Blu-Ray sales. I think it is safe to say that this is not ‘The Rocketeer’. But please remember where he cut his teeth. That little box office bomb has contributed greatly to Captain America at last making his long overdue breakthrough into cinema.
That is me done. Next month it’s the return of my beloved ‘Apes’ franchise, and ‘Cowboys and Aliens’...
Jordan Royce can be contacted at jordan.royce@starburstmagazine.com
and Co-Hosts the Starburst Radio Show with News Editor Kris Heys,
every Sunday 9pm until 12 GMT
on Manchester Radio Online – www.manchesterradioonline.com
also available from iTunes as a Podcast
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Comments
I also have to disagree with your analysis of the Harry Potter Saga overall. They started of reasonably well as good clean kids' fun, and by the final film, they were a muddied barely visible mess. That final film was by far the worst. An atrociously paced cinematic train crash. What the heck was going through David Yates' mind, when he decided that the film should be in black and white and shown with projector bulbs at half brightness? I don't know...
As for Super 8, there I have to agree! A wonderful nostalgic nod back to the way kids films should be made! Superior to Potter in every way.
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