Starburst Magazine

The newly formed sub-genre of ‘Artmageddon’ provided us with the second Arthouse movie to deal with potentially World changing (or ending) events in as many months. ‘Another Earth’ thankfully proved to be both more thought provoking and entertaining than the dreary Von Trier ‘Melancholia’.

Arthouse Cinema and sci-fi in the mix always worries me. Having met several Arthouse Directors who openly mock the entire sci-fi genre, I remain sceptical whenever the two genres meet. ‘Melancholia’ delivered a great example of my greatest fears being realised. A pretentious, dreary, bore-athon. The inherent weakness with the Arthouse aesthetic is the approach to the primary focal issues. The sci-fi concept will always be used solely to provide an excuse for the characters to engage in emotional turmoil. Usually in a highly thespian manner. This is why ‘Another Earth’ actually surprised me, and made me reassess my fears. The arrival of another parallel Earth is indeed handled as a mere backdrop, but the performances from Britt Marling and William Mapother lure you in. The atmosphere is early Soderbergh, and the soundtrack is perfection. The requisite arthouse angst is provided by the main character Rhoda Williams, when she plows her car into another vehicle whilst drunk. Killing the wife and child of John Burroughs. The film then concerns itself with the attempts of Rhoda to befriend and help Burroughs, in order to make amends. This is played out nicely against the emerging details of the duplicate Earth that has arrived, and the questions posed by the existence of doppelgangers on the other planet. Being a junkie for cool sf concepts, I did like the idea of synchronicity introduced by a TV scientist. Stating that it could be possible that the hitherto duplicate lives of the humans on each Earth could diverge from the point they view the other Earth for the first time. It is total nonsense, but like the rest of the movie, it is played out with such conviction that you find it easy to accept and go along for the ride. I hope that some of you give this movie a chance, you might be pleasantly surprised.

On Earth 2 The only way Britt Marling can prevent herself from eating a mobile phone is to hold her head firmly with her left hand!

Tragically there were no pleasant surprises in store when I was forced to watch ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn’, in order to review it on the Starburst Radio Show. In the weeks leading up to it being released, Kris Heys had introduced me to the scary world of the YouTube Twilight trailer. Where mindless teenage girls webcam their (often bewildering) reactions to their first viewing of a Twilight trailer. I watched several of these, hoping to gain some insight into this entire franchise, and find out what on earth was going on. I watched with horror as one girl in particular cried for Edward Cullen to say the romantic words to her instead. I cringed as she then proceeded to state that her life would be over once the second part of ‘Breaking Dawn’ was released in 2012. All this was to prepare me for my first cinema viewing of a Twilight film. I had watched the first three in my cinema room at home, and so this was to be my first shared social ‘Twilight’ experience. I remembered to soak my popcorn with sufficient butter. I may have needed to trigger a coronary to end my misery. Two hours later and I was in total shock. ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn’ is one of the worst experiences I have ever had in a cinema. It is a film so bad it is difficult to know where on earth to begin.

Twilight Mentalists

Having now sat through all four ‘Twilight’ movies, it is surprising that this is actually the worst one so far. I would have at least hoped it would be better than the previous sickening drivel. This was the final denouement after all. This big payoff. I was at least expecting that the insipid storyline would finally deliver some tension or drama or something. Anything. Instead it was another two hours of sickening teenage Mormon drivel, with a nice topping of Pro-Life. This latest instalment delivered the wedding, and pregnancy of Bella. The wedding was a remarkable event, and you were supposed to accept that all of the humans never once wondered why half of the congregation came dressed for Halloween. The character of Bella continues with her task of unravelling the past 100 years of feminism. I can honestly now state that Bella is the worst role model for teenage girls to ever make it to the silver screen. She exists only to pine after Eddy baby. She has no other purpose. It is horrendous to watch her go through the motions yet again. Her IQ has dropped even lower this time around, and she has to ask Eddy how long they have been on honeymoon. Disturbingly this time we also have a subtext of domestic violence tagged on. Apparently if a guy can’t control his strength, bruises and injuries are just the price you pay. He doesn’t mean it. It’s just the way he is.

Stephanie Meyer continues to force her Mormon sermons of abstinence in via the Trojan horse of narrative. This time around the price for sex for poor brainless Bella is her life. Sex is definitely the behaviour of evil tarts in her twisted little universe. Then we are subjected to the follow up sermon from Meyer. Abortion is evil too. Even if the pregnancy is life threatening. It may seem like I am overreacting, but couple this with the YouTube videos and you can see that some teenage girls may be taking this subversive doctrine on-board without even realising it. It is this aspect of the phenomena that bothers me, and gets me hot under the collar.

Breaking Dawn does manage to provide some astonishing moments of unintentional comedy. This time around it’s the amazing cartoon werewolf meeting. In a first for the franchise, we get to see the boys in wolf form, having a telepathic chat. Words are not sufficient to describe how ludicrous this scene played out on screen. Even the 15 year old female audience sniggered. In the intervening weeks since the release, some of the film makers have taken to Podcasts to state how lazy we are as journalists to seize upon this scene. Did we not realise that it was supposed to be a scene of comic relief? Sorry boys. Not buying it. Even if that was true (and it ain’t), it just exposes their poor skillset. When has any skilled filmmaker ever had to explain scenes in their movie? Jeez. It’s pathetic.

The absolute bottom of the barrel is reached with the ‘Renesme Moment’. Finally, after four years, the cast achieve a strange kind of self-awareness whilst delivering frankly embarrassing dialogue. I will not spoiler the moment, but you will know it when it arrives. You will know, and feel every embarrassing second of it. Renesme is, of course, the name of Bella's baby girl whom Jacob decides he wants to have sex with. Well that certainly is one way to get over a long running love triangle! Throughout the film I found myself questioning how anything with this much cash being thrown at it could be so bad. Even when you look at the movie from a technical perspective, it is way below the standards of a major motion picture. Let alone one that is part of a major studio property. It is so badly put together. The filming, the editing, the lighting – it’s all really poor. Even the soundtrack (one of the only saving graces), is abused this time around. Used to cover up any long drawn out sequences where there is nothing much happening. It is reduced to the level of an audio comb over.

Thicko Bella was confused - someone had painted her chess pieces red!

Finally, with regards to the usual ‘Twilight’ montage. This time around we are treated to the funniest so far. Bella and Eddy Baby playing chess. Yeah, you heard me right. A cinema first. The chess montage. Only in ‘Twilight’.

Well that is me done. Next Issue a certain daughter of a certain 70s sit-com star is back in the leather…

Jordan Royce can be contacted at  jordan.royce@starburstmagazine.com
and Co-Hosts the Starburst Radio Show with News Editor Kris Heys,
every Sunday 9pm until 12 GMT
on Manchester Radio Online – www.manchesterradioonline.com
also available from iTunes as a Podcast

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