Remake Hell Vol 5: INCOMING!

Written by J.D. Gillam Friday, 14 October 2011

Remake Hell - by Jon Gillam

Okay, for October’s column, I have decided to forgo the usual and not concentrate on one specific film or company. Normal service will resume next month. Instead, I thought I'd give you, my loyal reader, an insight into just how many remakes / re-imaginings / reboots you've got to look forward to over the next few years at your local multiplex.

I'm going to cover most of what I know is coming across genres that, as a Starburst reader, you might show the slightest interest in, and as is my right as the author of this page, I'm going to give you my opinion. You may not agree with it, but I'm always happy to hear what you've got to say, so don't hesitate to comment at the bottom.

So, here we go. These are in no particular order or set genre pattern, just try to keep up!

Firstly, I'm going to start with two beloved 80s horror films of mine. John Landis' classic horror comedy, An American Werewolf in London and Sam Raimi's critic and censor baiting Evil Dead.

My first response here, as I hope yours will be too, is why? American Werewolf is a classic in all the right ways. Apart from the stuffy British acting on display by some of the actors, it is almost perfect horror cinema. It has gore, nudity, comedy and scares aplenty. The make up effects won an Oscar and still look pretty damn good today. I'd go as far as saying that they trample over most of these CGI attempts that litter the movies nowadays. If you have to remake a horror film about a Yankee lycanthrope, can you make it the one in France instead please?

As for Evil Dead, I also can't see the point. The much touted fourth instalment is apparently close to fruition, although when we will ever get to see it is anyone's guess. But to remake one of the original 'video nasties' that Thatcher and her cronies so ashamedly banned in a move akin to Nazi Germany and their burning of the books is tantamount to horror sacrilege. Although Bruce Campbell has been saying via Twitter and every other possible outlet that the fans should give this a chance, I am in fear of a PG-13 remake that just doesn't cut the mustard. The news that Diablo Cody is polishing the script also doesn't fill me with glee. Her acid sharp dialogue is great in high school movies - I enjoyed Jennifer's Body, so shoot me! - but in a secluded cabin in the woods, I want to see carnage and possessed people getting cut up with chainsaws, not joking about their period.

Chucky is due for a reboot with the much mooted, but still unconfirmed, update of Child’s Play. Another horror franchise that started in the 80s, the original was an understated film that played on the fears of toys coming to life and wanting to kill you. Unfortunately, like with Freddy Krueger, the makers diluted the series and allowed it to descend into comedy. I understand that numerous sequels about a killer doll can realistically only stay dark for so long, but they went a little bit too far from the original idea by the time Seed Of Chucky was released. So I welcome a return to the dark, evil killer doll ideals of the 1988 film.

Another horror series that suffered from the law of diminishing returns is the Stephen King shocker, Children of the Corn. This is also rumoured to be gearing up for a remake. I found the original to be an interesting gem, where the local children of a mid-American small town kill off all the adults in honour of something in the cornfields. It wasn’t afraid to be gory and unsettling, but I can see a new slant that could work in the present day. Back then, there was virtually none of the technology that is available to the youth of today. Imagine the massacre of the original combined with the recent London riots. Imagine a planned uprising of youth against the adults of the world, via Twitter et al, where the governing bodies would be so unprepared for the bloodbath to come. I think it could be interesting – although I don’t know if that’s the angle that will be taken.

Clive Barker’s Hellraiser is also due a revisit. Pinhead and his band of Cenobites have – again – been the victim of a movie industry that seems determined to bleed the profitable horror franchises dry. The original is a nasty and quite brutal film that doesn’t really need a glossy Hollywood update. After all, just look at the sequels after Hell on Earth to see what happened when they tried.

Come to think of it, is it possible that the most recent sequel, Revelations, which looks like it was only made so Miramax could keep hold of the rights, was deliberately made so that when the remake does pop up, we’ll be so happy to see it, we’ll beckon it in with open arms? I mean, for the love of Pinhead, Doug Bradley’s not even it and Barker himself, hardly the guarantee of a superior product, has gone on record to say “Hello, my friends. I want to put on record that the flick out there using the word “Hellraiser” is no f*cking child of mine … I have nothing to do with the f*cking thing. If they claim it’s from the mind of Clive Barker, it’s a lie. It’s not even from my butt-hole”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orWK-QlPSfg

Also, a rumour going around online is claiming that if a remake does go ahead, they’ll be aiming for a PG-13 (ie 12A in the UK) certificate. Watch the trailer for the original below to see if you think that would work...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAx34IZ8bTk

To round up the rest of my favourite genre, I’ll give you a short list to peruse and consider.

Pet Semetary, Phantasm, Poltergeist, Rosemary’s Baby, The Entity, The Fly (yes, again), Don’t Look Now, Carrie and The Tingler are all being prepped by studios and productions companies that can see a low budget film that would be almost guaranteed to turn a profit.

The Blob is also being lined up, with Rob Zombie attached, which is fine. He destroyed Michael Myers, so why not just give him a faceless alien lump of jello to play around with?

Moving away from horror, next up for your viewing pleasure is a remake of Barbarella, the 60s psychedelic sex romp with Jane Fonda. I'm torn on this one. The original is a cult classic that spawned - albeit by name only - one of the best UK band of the 80s, Duran Duran. However, it is a film that was made in the decade that prudence and reality seemed to miss. Maybe a crueller, darker take on it would be interesting to see. Then again, maybe we'll get a remake that tries nothing new and will even have a cameo from Austin Powers? Who knows?

Also on its way is a retooling of the adventures of Johnny 5, with Short Circuit on the remake table. I still enjoy this great bit of escapism from 1985, even taking the dated robotics of the title character into consideration, so I’m a little disappointed to see this one up for a fresh visit to the multiplexes.

Regular readers will already know that there is a new version of Hitchcock’s The Birds on its way in the next couple of years. As we saw with Psycho, trying to bring Hitchcock films up to date doesn’t always turn out too well, although there have been re-imaginings (of sorts) of Rear Window over the years. Can’t think of them? Try Fright Night or Disturbia. Maybe after the debacle of Birdemic: Shock & Terror (see below), we could do with a modern take on the story. After all, nature biting back tales never go out of fashion, whether they’re disaster movies or the SyFy Channel mash-ups starring pop princesses of the 80s.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jE5dJDgZ644

I don’t think that anyone will begrudge my annoyance at the very recent announcements regarding a possible remake of Paul Verhoeven’s seminal satire, Robocop. I was slightly interested when Darren Aronofsky’s name was linked with the project, but he moved on. The new official director is Jose Padilha, who has gone on record to say that a reboot is ‘urgently needed’. Personally, I couldn’t disagree with that sentiment strongly enough. As my interview with Verhoeven back in Volume 3 hopefully showed you, I have a lot of love for Robocop, and I don’t feel that the dystopian feel of a near future Detroit needs any updating at all. Even the special effects still look good today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1BKtF1cJug

While on the subject of 80s action movies, how about a remake of Commando, the violent 1985 Arnold Schwarzenegger film? I don’t know about this, as I’m not sure that Hollywood is able to make those kind of films anymore. One man army kill-fests were everywhere in the Reagan era 80s, but they are scarcer than a good horror film these days. Even The Expendables felt like a diluted version of the over the top ferocity and body counts of the escapades of Arnie, Sly and chums. Action films these days seem to be geared towards gadgets, rather than the John Rambo-esque approach of killing everyone in your way with a gun and a knife.

If they can recreate the same intensity of the original, then I’m prepared to give it a chance, but mark my words, this’ll probably end up as a tame movie aimed at teenagers and starring someone out of Twilight.

The wonderfully named Snake Plisskin was the anti-hero of choice in John Carpenter’s Escape From New York and the risible, CGI-laden sequel. Sent into a prison – Manhattan island now cordoned off and harbouring the worst criminals around – Snake is on a mission to save the President who has been kidnapped. It was dark and gritty and it’s near the top of a lot of 80s action movie lists. Personally, I feel that Kurt Russell is Snake Plisskin, and to recast is tantamount to heresy. By all means, remake the sequel – taking out the CGI as you go, thank you very much – but leave the original alone.

The Michael York starring Logan’s Run is also rumoured to be ready to be remade. I can see a remake to this working actually. The original, a tale about a future society where everyone has to die at the age of 30 to ensure that overpopulation doesn’t cripple a society that thrives on pleasure, is very dated and could do with a fresh lick of paint and there have been titles that have riffed on the ideas of the original. The Island, with Ewan McGregor and the upcoming In Time with Justin Timberlake both seem to have similarities with Logan’s Run and I can see an update going down a storm.

Other sci-fi ‘treats’ due to visit our multiplexes include The Neverending Story, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Fantastic Voyage, Flight of the Navigator, Forbidden Planet, Highlander, Outland, The Host and War Games.

Is it just me or did anyone else feel like their childhood just got completely raped by the vacuum of ideas that is in Hollywood at the moment?

I’m going for a lie down before I get a headache.

Until next month…

Have I missed a personal favourite of yours in this mini roundup?

Do you agree or disagree with my opinions?

What would you like to see covered in upcoming volumes?

Please leave a message in the Comments!

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